Yesterday, I went to Ellen’s celebration service. I went in girl mode - black top, long black sweater jacket, jeans - and threw a little extra eye shadow on like I did for La Cage. Steven had organized a lot of stuff for the service to remember her, including all of the cast members in attendance getting up on stage to sing the number from the opening act. I sat there during the celebration going over the lines of the song, hoping I could remember them. Then I went over one of the late lines which went ‘muscles and tits”...whoa!!! We can’t say that with this crowd...although we probably could have. I reflected on my memories of Ellen from the play and listened to the stories being told.
When it came time for the finale, Steven called us up there. There were five of us total...Steven, Tammy, Vanessa, Michael, and myself. Steven was in total drag, Tammy and Vanessa looked great as usual, and Michael was in a black dress with black wig. We all got up there and Steven started the music. I audibled “muscles and bits...muscles and bits.” We moved around a little like we did with the play, but mainly I just kinda stood in one spot. At least I was out there more than Vanessa and Tammy, who kinda wanted to hide. Amazingly, we did pretty good with the song, considering we hadn’t sung it in 4 months. I was impressed that we all knew the lines still.
Vanessa, Tammy, Steven, Michael, and me.
Monday, September 29, 2003
Saturday, September 27, 2003
Whatchu lookin at?
Kelly and I arranged an education seminar in SF for today. We had about 9 people total for the legal presentation concerning transition and the review of AB196. There was a T that came in a little late who said she saw the event posted downstairs in the lobby of the LGBT Center, and decided to come up for the seminar.
After the event, I talked Amy and the girl from the UK, Stephanie, into doing a little shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. I finally found a nice little jacket at Nordstrom Rack, but still couldn’t find the purse I wanted. I think I am just going to get the one I saw last weekend at Macy’s with Brooke.
Anyway, we got dinner in the Castro at a nice little Italian place. I had my favorite, angel hair pasta with fresh tomatoes and garlic. Yep, I’m a real kiss-target after dinner.
Stephanie was in town to see Dr. O for a hairline revision. She’d had FFS about a year ago. She looked pretty decent...not a supermodel, but definitely femme. We talked a little about Dr. O and she said I looked a lot like her before FFS, and was at the same age when she started transition. She was pretty surprised earlier in the day when I told her I was still pre transition...that I was waiting for the official legal protection of AB196 in January. She seemed to like my transition schedule for going full time in early 2004 combined with FFS. I told her I was also looking at straightening my hair and finally getting my ears pierced.
Stephanie kept flirting with our waiter, even though she knew he had a boyfriend. Amy and Stephanie also noticed that we had people on both sides staring at us. I guess I wasn’t really paying attention since I was having a good conversation with them. After one guy kept staring over a lot, she motioned for one of the guys at his table to lean forward while she said “We’re transsexuals...are you ok with that??” It wasn’t the best way to handle that situation, but they kinda stopped staring.
Since I was watching Boobers this weekend, I had to take off after dinner. It was nice meeting her, though. She said she would be at the Cocoon House, so I told her I would try to stop by again.
After the event, I talked Amy and the girl from the UK, Stephanie, into doing a little shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. I finally found a nice little jacket at Nordstrom Rack, but still couldn’t find the purse I wanted. I think I am just going to get the one I saw last weekend at Macy’s with Brooke.
Anyway, we got dinner in the Castro at a nice little Italian place. I had my favorite, angel hair pasta with fresh tomatoes and garlic. Yep, I’m a real kiss-target after dinner.
Stephanie was in town to see Dr. O for a hairline revision. She’d had FFS about a year ago. She looked pretty decent...not a supermodel, but definitely femme. We talked a little about Dr. O and she said I looked a lot like her before FFS, and was at the same age when she started transition. She was pretty surprised earlier in the day when I told her I was still pre transition...that I was waiting for the official legal protection of AB196 in January. She seemed to like my transition schedule for going full time in early 2004 combined with FFS. I told her I was also looking at straightening my hair and finally getting my ears pierced.
Stephanie kept flirting with our waiter, even though she knew he had a boyfriend. Amy and Stephanie also noticed that we had people on both sides staring at us. I guess I wasn’t really paying attention since I was having a good conversation with them. After one guy kept staring over a lot, she motioned for one of the guys at his table to lean forward while she said “We’re transsexuals...are you ok with that??” It wasn’t the best way to handle that situation, but they kinda stopped staring.
Since I was watching Boobers this weekend, I had to take off after dinner. It was nice meeting her, though. She said she would be at the Cocoon House, so I told her I would try to stop by again.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Money, money, money - take....uh
...dang, where did I leave off?
I applied online for the Capitol One credit card last week. I’ve received a bunch of their applications in the mail, but I had just been saving them up. After seeing the Dr. O quote, I really need to concentrate on the finances. I got a letter back from them this week which said they were reviewing my credit and would notify me soon, but that my address did not match at least one of the credit agencies they had used. They listed the phone numbers of the agencies they had used. I called two of them, but it was only automated systems, and there was no way I could simply talk with an agent to correct the address. In fact, when I looked them up on the web, basically the only way to make contact was to buy one of their stupid reports and then challenge it. There has got to be a way to correct it, but right now, I just haven’t been able to find it. I’ll try to contact the agencies again, but I might have to turn to my bank to see if they can pull up my credit history, especially since they rejected me for the bank loan.
Office comments.
Mark has been pretty quiet on the battlefield lately. I haven’t seen him that much, and I think the HR comments from the coworker really spooked him. As I told someone who IM’ed me about Mark, he’s not really that bad, and I kinda looked forward to his slight affirmations. Mark and I get along great, it’s just friendly teasing. The reason Mark has made some of these comments is because he was on a different part of our work campus for a number of months, and thus, when he returned, saw more of the change in me than the daily dose my coworkers get. He's also a very smart and observant person. I get ponytail comments from other people as well, mainly because my ponytail looks like a rat’s nest. My hair is so curly and frizzy, that it just doesn’t look that good in a ponytail on a guy’s head. It’s as simple as that. I’d like to get it thermally reconditioned, thus making it straight, but I’m afraid that would draw too much undue attention.
Robi and I ate lunch together, and somehow got on the topic of Mark. It’s funny....her diagnosis came out almost right on the money as to what I wrote earlier about him living vicariously through others. I chuckled as she gave me the prognosis. We also talked about another guy who is divorced and a little older. She says that she gets an “odor” of need and desperation from him, but that I don’t see it because I’m not a woman. I told her I could see some of it (hell, I was the one who brought his situation up...I think I smell part of it).
Well, the guy that we were talking about sits fairly close to me, so we have a few conversations here and there. We were on the topic of football, and that I like two teams that aren’t in the Bay Area. He says “You’ve probably got a pair of boxers with Green Bay on the back and St. Louis on the front.”
I responded by saying, “I don’t wear boxers...well, except for the one I sleep in. TMI, right?”
He counters with “Just don’t tell me you have a thong!”
Luckily there were cubicle walls between us because I had the biggest grin on my face.
Finally, I went to work yesterday thinking I was giving part of a presentation on Friday. It was, in fact, yesterday. So, I chatted with the main presenter as to whether I should go home and change. Our short conversation ended with him saying, “Well, it might be best so that when bonuses come around they’ll say ‘I remember that guy - he wore a nice plaid shirt’ “ with the best sarcasm he could muster.
He was amused by his own comments, so while I was walking away, I said “Oh, they’ll remember me” in my best foreshadowing voice.
That crazy mutt.
I came home tonite to find Boobers at the front door with a ball, and after dropping off the mail on the kitchen table, I spotted two bright yellow spots on the carpet. This wouldn’t be that bad since I would just have my roomie clean it up...but guess what....it’s just me and Boobers this weekend. Grrrrrrrr. Since the spots weren’t that big and there was a blade of grass in one of them, I figured it was bile. Nice. Those things were a bitch to get out. Scooby kept trying to give me a kiss while I was scrubbing. Although I appreciate the affection, I’m not really into dog slobbers on my face.
I applied online for the Capitol One credit card last week. I’ve received a bunch of their applications in the mail, but I had just been saving them up. After seeing the Dr. O quote, I really need to concentrate on the finances. I got a letter back from them this week which said they were reviewing my credit and would notify me soon, but that my address did not match at least one of the credit agencies they had used. They listed the phone numbers of the agencies they had used. I called two of them, but it was only automated systems, and there was no way I could simply talk with an agent to correct the address. In fact, when I looked them up on the web, basically the only way to make contact was to buy one of their stupid reports and then challenge it. There has got to be a way to correct it, but right now, I just haven’t been able to find it. I’ll try to contact the agencies again, but I might have to turn to my bank to see if they can pull up my credit history, especially since they rejected me for the bank loan.
Office comments.
Mark has been pretty quiet on the battlefield lately. I haven’t seen him that much, and I think the HR comments from the coworker really spooked him. As I told someone who IM’ed me about Mark, he’s not really that bad, and I kinda looked forward to his slight affirmations. Mark and I get along great, it’s just friendly teasing. The reason Mark has made some of these comments is because he was on a different part of our work campus for a number of months, and thus, when he returned, saw more of the change in me than the daily dose my coworkers get. He's also a very smart and observant person. I get ponytail comments from other people as well, mainly because my ponytail looks like a rat’s nest. My hair is so curly and frizzy, that it just doesn’t look that good in a ponytail on a guy’s head. It’s as simple as that. I’d like to get it thermally reconditioned, thus making it straight, but I’m afraid that would draw too much undue attention.
Robi and I ate lunch together, and somehow got on the topic of Mark. It’s funny....her diagnosis came out almost right on the money as to what I wrote earlier about him living vicariously through others. I chuckled as she gave me the prognosis. We also talked about another guy who is divorced and a little older. She says that she gets an “odor” of need and desperation from him, but that I don’t see it because I’m not a woman. I told her I could see some of it (hell, I was the one who brought his situation up...I think I smell part of it).
Well, the guy that we were talking about sits fairly close to me, so we have a few conversations here and there. We were on the topic of football, and that I like two teams that aren’t in the Bay Area. He says “You’ve probably got a pair of boxers with Green Bay on the back and St. Louis on the front.”
I responded by saying, “I don’t wear boxers...well, except for the one I sleep in. TMI, right?”
He counters with “Just don’t tell me you have a thong!”
Luckily there were cubicle walls between us because I had the biggest grin on my face.
Finally, I went to work yesterday thinking I was giving part of a presentation on Friday. It was, in fact, yesterday. So, I chatted with the main presenter as to whether I should go home and change. Our short conversation ended with him saying, “Well, it might be best so that when bonuses come around they’ll say ‘I remember that guy - he wore a nice plaid shirt’ “ with the best sarcasm he could muster.
He was amused by his own comments, so while I was walking away, I said “Oh, they’ll remember me” in my best foreshadowing voice.
That crazy mutt.
I came home tonite to find Boobers at the front door with a ball, and after dropping off the mail on the kitchen table, I spotted two bright yellow spots on the carpet. This wouldn’t be that bad since I would just have my roomie clean it up...but guess what....it’s just me and Boobers this weekend. Grrrrrrrr. Since the spots weren’t that big and there was a blade of grass in one of them, I figured it was bile. Nice. Those things were a bitch to get out. Scooby kept trying to give me a kiss while I was scrubbing. Although I appreciate the affection, I’m not really into dog slobbers on my face.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Positive Energy
I got a call yesterday from the facility manager where I participated in the play in May. He said that Ellen from the play had died of a massive stroke. She was my mirror image Cagelle during the opening number, with her and I basically doing the same thing, but on opposite sides of the stage. She was a sweet lady, and let us use her place to rehearse. She was also very accepting and quite open about everything. She asked me a bunch of questions about being transsexual because she was curious and she wanted to know. I think she had dealt or was dealing with a transgender youth in her job. When my mom was in town, she took her around the garden area in the back of her house and talked with her for a while. I told Ellen she reminded me so much of my aunts, and that she could almost pass for one of my mom’s sisters in more ways than one.
Later that night, I got a call from one of my other castmates from La Cage. He mentioned the service being held on Sunday and that he had talked to several of Ellen’s friends. He was asking everyone to come in drag because that’s what Ellen would have wanted, especially since she was so carefree, lovable, and just a little off her rocker in a good way. So, I’ll definitely go in girl mode, but I don’t really have anything in the drag sense from the show. I can add a little spark here and there with the makeup, but I’ll pretty much just go as myself. I think she would have liked it much better that way. She was one of a few that was very supportive with me during the play, especially the last night when I did the curtain call in girl mode, instead of boy mode as the directors asked. Her positive energy was so contagious. I’ll miss her.
Later that night, I got a call from one of my other castmates from La Cage. He mentioned the service being held on Sunday and that he had talked to several of Ellen’s friends. He was asking everyone to come in drag because that’s what Ellen would have wanted, especially since she was so carefree, lovable, and just a little off her rocker in a good way. So, I’ll definitely go in girl mode, but I don’t really have anything in the drag sense from the show. I can add a little spark here and there with the makeup, but I’ll pretty much just go as myself. I think she would have liked it much better that way. She was one of a few that was very supportive with me during the play, especially the last night when I did the curtain call in girl mode, instead of boy mode as the directors asked. Her positive energy was so contagious. I’ll miss her.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Dreams
I woke up this morning at 5:30 from a dream that I had just had surgery with Dr. O. I spent some time with the uncomfortableness of the nurses around and all the things poking me. And there was a huge vein on my head that was all clogged up and I was trying to do something with it. Then I looked in the mirror at my face and some of it was bandaged and the neck area was all destroyed, but the jaw didn’t look swollen at all. Yeah, it’s just a dream. Paranoia and my brain thinking/worrying too much. That’s what I get for thinking about Dr. O as I went to sleep last night.
I went back to sleep and had another dream after that which I happened to remember. Some religious fanatic cult had broken into my grandmother’s home, wouldn’t leave, and had shot my cousin point blank right in front of me. I was trying to get them to leave the house, but the police wouldn’t help since they said the group had been invited in. One of the cops gave me a camera that shot bullets, though, and I tried to shoot the fanatics that had taken over the house. (A camera that shoots bullets...what the frell?) I think one of them shot back, but just barely grazed my hair. BUZZZZZZ...the alarm went off.
I went back to sleep and had another dream after that which I happened to remember. Some religious fanatic cult had broken into my grandmother’s home, wouldn’t leave, and had shot my cousin point blank right in front of me. I was trying to get them to leave the house, but the police wouldn’t help since they said the group had been invited in. One of the cops gave me a camera that shot bullets, though, and I tried to shoot the fanatics that had taken over the house. (A camera that shoots bullets...what the frell?) I think one of them shot back, but just barely grazed my hair. BUZZZZZZ...the alarm went off.
Sunday, September 21, 2003
The nose knows best.
This past week at work I was thinking further about the Dr. O consult and the potential surgery. I remembered the nose packing thing...having the nose basically closed off for 5 complete days. OK, so I closed off my nose and tried taking a drink of water. I swallowed, the ears popped, I couldn't breathe, the brain went into panic mode, I stood up, and began walking (that's my usual automatic response when I'm freaked out...so, if you see me walking around with this clueless look on my face, just pay no attention to me). I called Courtney since I obviously couldn't talk to anyone at work about it. She laughed, so did I. I know it's whacked. I know it's just a blocked nose and I can still breathe...but dangit, it's just an autonomic response similar to claustrophobia that has been so difficult. I almost started crying realizing how hard it would be to get through 5 days of that stuff being up there. Hell, I can barely get through 5 minutes. I'm scared I wouldn't be able to have FFS because of this situation.
I read through some of Lynn Conway's experience on the matter, and she was able to make it through a dinner and a night's rest with a nose plug on before the surgery. I'll try that....but...it doesn't look promising.
I also posted this concern on an FFS board and they suggested straws. I tried that tonite, and whew....much better. It’s still going to take some getting used to though, but like another person mentioned on still another board...you’re body gets used to it while you are still waking up from surgery so it’s not that bad. I hope she’s right.
This past Friday, Brooke, Michelle (in boy mode), and I went out to dinner and a movie. We ate some sushi then watched Underworld on opening night. It was packed. Brooke and Michelle had a good conversation while we were out since they are in the same line of business. It was the first time they met one another, and it looked like they have a lot in common, including parts of transition.
I crashed at Brooke’s place that night, then we both did a little shopping the next morning. We both went mainly looking for a decent purse. Brooke was able to find one in Macy’s, but I couldn’t really find one I liked...although I found a decent one, so I know where one is if I can’t find any others. On the way out, I found some nice casual tops at the Gap, but found I was between a size 6 and 8 on some jeans I was looking at. I got the tops, left the bottoms.
I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up some pasta, califlower, brocoli, and salad dressing to make a nice little pasta salad I saw my sister make earlier this year. I was headed to a pot-luck/meeting and that was the item I offered to bring along. I threw it together in the best proportions I could think, and put it in the fridge to chill...then off to get ready.
The meeting was with the TG Community Planning Committee. They’re a great group of people...usually T’s that have been through transition, but still work in the public outreach programs in San Francisco to some degree. We had a meeting to finalize the arrangements of next week’s Job Preparation Fair. After putting together most of the details, we relaxed in front of the TV and watched the movie “ma vie en rose.” I have the DVD, but I’ve never sat down and watched it. It’s a very beautiful and touching movie. I cried several times.
On the way home, I picked up an Oreo Cookie Shake at JITB. Yeah, I know...shame on me. Funny...I had one guy really staring me down as I was driving home and eating the shake. It’s almost kinda cool.
Today, I went for a run and crashed the rest of the afternoon. I need to pick up my apartment in a bad way.
Oh yeah, this past week at work, I had two female coworkers trying to set me up with a woman they know. They both thought the two of us would be ideal for one another. Now how am I supposed to handle that situation? They mentioned she lives about 30 miles from me, so I kinda mentioned the distance thing and left it open-ended. If they ask again, I’ll just tell them that I’ve had no success with any relationships that involved work and hope they can accept that. Otherwise, I’ll have to start the full on lying and tell them I have someone I am seeing or something. It’s not really what I want to do this close to transition, but I’ll do it if that’s what’s necessary.
Tonite, I talked to a T in Oregon who had called our TGSF hotline looking for information. We chatted for over an hour about transition and I tried to point her in the right direction. I hope she makes it.
I read through some of Lynn Conway's experience on the matter, and she was able to make it through a dinner and a night's rest with a nose plug on before the surgery. I'll try that....but...it doesn't look promising.
I also posted this concern on an FFS board and they suggested straws. I tried that tonite, and whew....much better. It’s still going to take some getting used to though, but like another person mentioned on still another board...you’re body gets used to it while you are still waking up from surgery so it’s not that bad. I hope she’s right.
This past Friday, Brooke, Michelle (in boy mode), and I went out to dinner and a movie. We ate some sushi then watched Underworld on opening night. It was packed. Brooke and Michelle had a good conversation while we were out since they are in the same line of business. It was the first time they met one another, and it looked like they have a lot in common, including parts of transition.
I crashed at Brooke’s place that night, then we both did a little shopping the next morning. We both went mainly looking for a decent purse. Brooke was able to find one in Macy’s, but I couldn’t really find one I liked...although I found a decent one, so I know where one is if I can’t find any others. On the way out, I found some nice casual tops at the Gap, but found I was between a size 6 and 8 on some jeans I was looking at. I got the tops, left the bottoms.
I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up some pasta, califlower, brocoli, and salad dressing to make a nice little pasta salad I saw my sister make earlier this year. I was headed to a pot-luck/meeting and that was the item I offered to bring along. I threw it together in the best proportions I could think, and put it in the fridge to chill...then off to get ready.
The meeting was with the TG Community Planning Committee. They’re a great group of people...usually T’s that have been through transition, but still work in the public outreach programs in San Francisco to some degree. We had a meeting to finalize the arrangements of next week’s Job Preparation Fair. After putting together most of the details, we relaxed in front of the TV and watched the movie “ma vie en rose.” I have the DVD, but I’ve never sat down and watched it. It’s a very beautiful and touching movie. I cried several times.
On the way home, I picked up an Oreo Cookie Shake at JITB. Yeah, I know...shame on me. Funny...I had one guy really staring me down as I was driving home and eating the shake. It’s almost kinda cool.
Today, I went for a run and crashed the rest of the afternoon. I need to pick up my apartment in a bad way.
Oh yeah, this past week at work, I had two female coworkers trying to set me up with a woman they know. They both thought the two of us would be ideal for one another. Now how am I supposed to handle that situation? They mentioned she lives about 30 miles from me, so I kinda mentioned the distance thing and left it open-ended. If they ask again, I’ll just tell them that I’ve had no success with any relationships that involved work and hope they can accept that. Otherwise, I’ll have to start the full on lying and tell them I have someone I am seeing or something. It’s not really what I want to do this close to transition, but I’ll do it if that’s what’s necessary.
Tonite, I talked to a T in Oregon who had called our TGSF hotline looking for information. We chatted for over an hour about transition and I tried to point her in the right direction. I hope she makes it.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Say, Mr. Flynn, you’re kinda cute.
One of the most annoying things on my journey so far is when a TS tells me she likes me as a guy, or finds me attractive as a guy. On Saturday, I went in boy/androgynous mode because of electrolysis. Rachel showed up late at the BBQ, and when the statement was made about me being in boy mode, she said I was cute as a guy. GGGGGRRRRRR!!!! I hate that. She’s not the first to tell me that. Well, to lighten the mood, I told her to give me a call after January (when she would be post-op).
When I was paying for my Dr. O office consult, the receptionist gave back my credit card and said I looked good in the picture on it. She asked if I really wanted to do this since I was quite photogenic (as a guy). GGGGRRRRRRR!!!! In reality, I think she was kinda coming on to me. Oh, she was cute, don’t get me wrong, but there were a few other things on my mind.
The lights went out in Georgia.
Last Friday, I was in the shower shaving my legs when the power went out. I was mostly through one leg and yet to even start the other. Well, since there is no window in my bathroom, it was entirely dark. Shaving with the lights on is hard enough, so I tossed in the towel and finished the shower with only one shaved leg. The power came back on about an hour later. Later at work, I was complaining to coworkers that the power went out in the middle of my shower leaving me in total darkness. My coworkers told me that shouldn’t have been a problem unless I was.....shaving. Hmmm...well, I thought for a second about saying I was shaving my legs, but why push it on them, right?
When I was paying for my Dr. O office consult, the receptionist gave back my credit card and said I looked good in the picture on it. She asked if I really wanted to do this since I was quite photogenic (as a guy). GGGGRRRRRRR!!!! In reality, I think she was kinda coming on to me. Oh, she was cute, don’t get me wrong, but there were a few other things on my mind.
The lights went out in Georgia.
Last Friday, I was in the shower shaving my legs when the power went out. I was mostly through one leg and yet to even start the other. Well, since there is no window in my bathroom, it was entirely dark. Shaving with the lights on is hard enough, so I tossed in the towel and finished the shower with only one shaved leg. The power came back on about an hour later. Later at work, I was complaining to coworkers that the power went out in the middle of my shower leaving me in total darkness. My coworkers told me that shouldn’t have been a problem unless I was.....shaving. Hmmm...well, I thought for a second about saying I was shaving my legs, but why push it on them, right?
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