(once again, from my written journal)
The emails from my sister earlier this week weren’t good, progress maybe, but still not good. At least she will correspond with me here and there. She doesn’t like my transition. Period. I’m not exactly sure what her fear is, but tonight she said it wasn’t moral to transition from one sex to another.
This morning, we spent most of the time painting my sister’s family room. She and her husband had picked out two earth tone colors to paint it, along with a chair rail to encompass the room. We were scheduled to visit the doc this afternoon around 2pm, so I started getting ready around noon. I asked my sister and mom if they would be OK with me going in girl mode. Both said they were fine with it. I got ready then came out to eat the lunch my mom had prepared. My sister was in the living room doing something with her son, as a fourth sandwich sat alone on the kitchen table. Not until I’d basically finished my sandwich and my mom had gone out to smoke, that my dad said my sister and mom argued, and now my sister wasn’t going to therapy (and wasn’t eating lunch either). Damn. I really wanted her to go.
Anyway, the session with the doc went fine. I think he understands the basic underlying issues a transgender person goes through. We talked a little about mom and dad’s trip to San Francisco, how they were doing with things, and then we moved to my sister. Dad has finally started to understand most of this. He realizes where I need to get to, and he’s working on accepting all the resulting consequences. I explained some of the family dynamics to the doc and we talked about some of the ways to work through those dynamics.
We came home and painted a little more, then ordered a pizza for dinner. After finishing dinner, I started to get into the reasoning for my transition timeline - with FFS at the time of living full time. I don’t remember how we got on the topic, but we did. I should not have been so naive, as any conversation on my transition with my sister would eventually lead to someone getting upset. We got on the subject of moving on with jobs, either by being fired, or however, and I said it was possible to have my name changed on my diploma so that I could get a new job as Kara. She didn’t like that, then said she should get a new diploma and sell it on eBay to whoever needed an MA...to the highest bidder of course. I said that would be morally wrong, and she threw that back in my face. It was a setup.
“Do you think what you're doing is moral? You were a man in high school, and college, and your degree should stay the same.”
I asked her why it made a difference if I was a man or a woman when I earned them. Obviously, she thinks my journey is morally wrong. Mom walked into the kitchen, and although it was just my sister and I in the discussion, the approach by my mom upset my sister, and she ran off into the living room. Mom sat down and got mad at dad, but dad was doing well in the conversation. I asked mom not to get mad at dad because he had handled the situation very well. Mom became upset, though, and went to smoke. I whispered to dad, “Is there any way out of this situation?” I started to cry and told Dad, “All of this is so hard on me added onto my own transition.”
Here is where my dad spoke some of the most sincere and bravest words I have ever heard from him, “You do what you need to do.” So firm....so fatherly....so caring.
I sat in the bathroom after that just crying into the sink thinking how my transition is tearing at the basic foundation of our family. It’s a no win situation right now that currently rests mainly with my sister.
Friday, November 28, 2003
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Progress
(again, pulled from my written journal)
My sister just dipped into the room I’m staying in her house and said, “I don’t mind you dressing as a woman here.”
I responded by saying, “I didn’t bring along enough clothes.”
She reiterated, “It doesn’t bother me your dressing as a woman or becoming a woman...well......it does, but I’ll get over it. I just didn’t like your attitude from the 4th.”
I asked if there was more than the one incident. She said I just seemed like I was a bitch. She’s probably right, but then again, I forced myself back into the male shell for the visit. It’s not a happy place for me to go anymore, but I do it for work. Around people that know about my journey, I usually let the male shell go. Anyway, I think it’s progress with my sister. She even brought in a skirt that she said would no longer fit her, and asked if I was interested in it.
My sister just dipped into the room I’m staying in her house and said, “I don’t mind you dressing as a woman here.”
I responded by saying, “I didn’t bring along enough clothes.”
She reiterated, “It doesn’t bother me your dressing as a woman or becoming a woman...well......it does, but I’ll get over it. I just didn’t like your attitude from the 4th.”
I asked if there was more than the one incident. She said I just seemed like I was a bitch. She’s probably right, but then again, I forced myself back into the male shell for the visit. It’s not a happy place for me to go anymore, but I do it for work. Around people that know about my journey, I usually let the male shell go. Anyway, I think it’s progress with my sister. She even brought in a skirt that she said would no longer fit her, and asked if I was interested in it.
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Travels
(Pulled from the pages of my written journal)
I just got off a flight from San Francisco to Chicago, and am now sitting at the terminal to catch my flight to Oz. On my 4 hour flight here, I sat beside a woman about my size, but the age of my mother. I stayed silent much of the flight between sleeping and reading my book Middlesex. About 3 hours in and with the refreshment cart approaching, I started up a conversation we’d briefly had earlier, “So, where are you headed in Michigan?”
Believe it or not, Grand Rapids popped into my head first, followed by Detroit, but she said Grand Rapids. We continued the conversation as she said she’d been visiting SF the past week at a literary conference and that she taught English at the University in Michigan. I asked her if she read the book I was reading. She said yes and asked me how I liked it. I told her I found it fairly entertaining so far and that a coworker had read it before me. I’m not sure how we moved to the subject, but I told her I was an engineer. That was the beginning of a very unique conversation. She asked why I got into that field since there weren’t many women....for the men, or the job? (OK, yes, I’m in girl mode.) I said I liked math as a kid and it kinda lead me down my current career. She asked if I still liked doing math and I said that I didn’t really use my degree anymore, and was more of a babysitter now...as I gave her a big grin. No, I still use some of my degree, just not too much of it. Again, we drifted along in conversation until she asked, “How long have you known what you are doing?”
Now, somewhere in the drifting of our conversation, she mentioned that she just loved identity stuff. So, most people might ask “doing?” but I knew what she meant. I don’t go around haplessly thinking that I’m passing under the scrutiny of the human eye, but I do OK. Perhaps it was our conversation and my inability to perfect a female voice, but she knew.
I answered, “All my life,” just as I told Amanda in my dance class. I’d never known any different. She wasn’t phased though. Our conversation diverged as we talked about identity and families, religion and politics, and the ever present Thanksgiving break. As we chatted about Thanksgiving and spending time with the family, I told her I was nervous as hell. I asked her how I looked, and she said I looked quite calm. Hmmmm....I guess the facade from work is pretty good.
Her family was coming over for dinner tomorrow, and I’m visiting mine in the Midwest. The tone changed as she told me that she thought her husband was gay, and that she’d had these thoughts the past 10 years. She’d given him the opportunity lately to come clean and to tell her, but he hadn’t. She thought he was having a relationship with another man who had entered into their lives. They had three sons, all of which she thought would enter into the family business. She thought her husband was afraid to tell her for some reason. I said it could probably be for the kids or the job....or the family. I said that I was asked as a kid if I was a boy or a girl, and after that, I started to create a male shell. Not until I had accepted who I was was I able to openly talk about all of it. If someone would have asked me if I was a transsexual before I moved to SF, I probably would have flatly denied everything simply because I hadn’t even accepted myself yet. She started to cry as she told me more of her concerns. She loved the man. I could tell. You don’t see that true love at this stage of life very often, but here it was sitting next to me 7 miles over the Midwest. She was afraid to lose him, but in contrast, she also wanted him to be true to himself. Torn. What can you do in that situation? She asked me anyway...”What would you do?” I didn’t have an answer for her. I dug out a tissue for her to wipe her eyes. She said all she wanted was the truth.
Anyway, we arrived here just a while back. She’s headed for another flight right now, but she did tell me that she has a book that will be out in about 9 months. “It deals with identity,” she said as she smiled. Cool. I’ll have to read it.
...written later....
My ride to KC wasn’t as exciting as the one to Chicago as I sat next to some dude who played air guitar. He needed a little practice still.
I just got off a flight from San Francisco to Chicago, and am now sitting at the terminal to catch my flight to Oz. On my 4 hour flight here, I sat beside a woman about my size, but the age of my mother. I stayed silent much of the flight between sleeping and reading my book Middlesex. About 3 hours in and with the refreshment cart approaching, I started up a conversation we’d briefly had earlier, “So, where are you headed in Michigan?”
Believe it or not, Grand Rapids popped into my head first, followed by Detroit, but she said Grand Rapids. We continued the conversation as she said she’d been visiting SF the past week at a literary conference and that she taught English at the University in Michigan. I asked her if she read the book I was reading. She said yes and asked me how I liked it. I told her I found it fairly entertaining so far and that a coworker had read it before me. I’m not sure how we moved to the subject, but I told her I was an engineer. That was the beginning of a very unique conversation. She asked why I got into that field since there weren’t many women....for the men, or the job? (OK, yes, I’m in girl mode.) I said I liked math as a kid and it kinda lead me down my current career. She asked if I still liked doing math and I said that I didn’t really use my degree anymore, and was more of a babysitter now...as I gave her a big grin. No, I still use some of my degree, just not too much of it. Again, we drifted along in conversation until she asked, “How long have you known what you are doing?”
Now, somewhere in the drifting of our conversation, she mentioned that she just loved identity stuff. So, most people might ask “doing?” but I knew what she meant. I don’t go around haplessly thinking that I’m passing under the scrutiny of the human eye, but I do OK. Perhaps it was our conversation and my inability to perfect a female voice, but she knew.
I answered, “All my life,” just as I told Amanda in my dance class. I’d never known any different. She wasn’t phased though. Our conversation diverged as we talked about identity and families, religion and politics, and the ever present Thanksgiving break. As we chatted about Thanksgiving and spending time with the family, I told her I was nervous as hell. I asked her how I looked, and she said I looked quite calm. Hmmmm....I guess the facade from work is pretty good.
Her family was coming over for dinner tomorrow, and I’m visiting mine in the Midwest. The tone changed as she told me that she thought her husband was gay, and that she’d had these thoughts the past 10 years. She’d given him the opportunity lately to come clean and to tell her, but he hadn’t. She thought he was having a relationship with another man who had entered into their lives. They had three sons, all of which she thought would enter into the family business. She thought her husband was afraid to tell her for some reason. I said it could probably be for the kids or the job....or the family. I said that I was asked as a kid if I was a boy or a girl, and after that, I started to create a male shell. Not until I had accepted who I was was I able to openly talk about all of it. If someone would have asked me if I was a transsexual before I moved to SF, I probably would have flatly denied everything simply because I hadn’t even accepted myself yet. She started to cry as she told me more of her concerns. She loved the man. I could tell. You don’t see that true love at this stage of life very often, but here it was sitting next to me 7 miles over the Midwest. She was afraid to lose him, but in contrast, she also wanted him to be true to himself. Torn. What can you do in that situation? She asked me anyway...”What would you do?” I didn’t have an answer for her. I dug out a tissue for her to wipe her eyes. She said all she wanted was the truth.
Anyway, we arrived here just a while back. She’s headed for another flight right now, but she did tell me that she has a book that will be out in about 9 months. “It deals with identity,” she said as she smiled. Cool. I’ll have to read it.
...written later....
My ride to KC wasn’t as exciting as the one to Chicago as I sat next to some dude who played air guitar. He needed a little practice still.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Knots
My stomach was in knots all day today. Yesterday, I sent an email to my family asking what their feelings were about my presentation this Thanksgiving holiday. My dad and mom both had letters back saying to be conservative when at my sister’s since the situation was already tense.
My sister wrote back basically saying (and I’m being nice here): I’m having trouble with your transition, especially with the name and pronouns, and right now I’m having a hard time accepting it. I fear you’ll show up with the same attitude as the 4th of July and I won’t tolerate it in my home.
I sent an email back: I understand your concerns. May I ask what type of attitude you felt from me over the 4th of July. I’d like to know so that I do not offend you.
She replied: Attitude? I think it went something like this...”Princess [sister]” That was when I was asking you and Dad not to splash for a little while...remember now?
Of course I remember. My Dad (or actually my uncle, I believe) and I were throwing these water balls around in my parent's pool. My sister, whose husband has been serving abroad for 4 months at that time, and has been taking care of her 6 month old son alone, decides to move from the lounge chair to a floating raft. We were splashing and throwing around the balls, thus causing spray, some of which continued to land on my sister. She’d had enough, and sat up “Would you stop splashing for a while.” I thought...hey, it’s a swimming pool, there’s water...hello? Instead, I said, “Anything for Princess [sister].” My sister was pissed. I saw it in her eyes. She wanted to relax...something she really hadn’t been able to do since her husband was so far away and she was temporarily a single parent. If I could take back my comment, I would, but the attitude my sister has now is the same attitude she’s shown me since this spring. She doesn’t want to talk to me and she can’t accept my decision. I don’t know if she can see that it’s the best for me or not. Perhaps she thinks it’s not the best decision for her. Either way, I can’t believe she’s turned such a small event into this catastrophe.
I mentioned all of this on a TS board on a subject someone else had started about the sister they had that would no longer allow her family in the same company as the TS. There were all types of suggestions ranging from just going in boy mode to going fully as Kara. Since my mom is so supportive, I think she’ll be mad if I go as a guy, but hopefully understand the circumstances. My dad doesn’t really care one way or the other. If I go as a girl, I’m afraid my sister will be upset, but it’s her place we’re spending Thanksgiving. If I go as a guy, my mom will be upset at my sister and Dad. She was a little upset during my visit in July when I was only in boy mode, when she had prepared everyone for Kara. The only girl stuff was when I was in the pool when I’d wear a sports bra top that sorta matched my male bottom bathing suit.
One person remarked on the board it was better to go in girl mode since “it’s better for them to hate the person you are than to love the person you aren’t.” Good advice, but since this is my sister’s place I think I will exist there in boy mode. I’m flying in girl mode, though, and I brought along some wipes to clean the makeup off on the drive to her place. I’ll put a sweatshirt over my blouse, change shoes, and but the side bangs back into my rat’s nest of a ponytail. We’re headed to group therapy on Friday, and I hope my sister will attend.
My sister wrote back basically saying (and I’m being nice here): I’m having trouble with your transition, especially with the name and pronouns, and right now I’m having a hard time accepting it. I fear you’ll show up with the same attitude as the 4th of July and I won’t tolerate it in my home.
I sent an email back: I understand your concerns. May I ask what type of attitude you felt from me over the 4th of July. I’d like to know so that I do not offend you.
She replied: Attitude? I think it went something like this...”Princess [sister]” That was when I was asking you and Dad not to splash for a little while...remember now?
Of course I remember. My Dad (or actually my uncle, I believe) and I were throwing these water balls around in my parent's pool. My sister, whose husband has been serving abroad for 4 months at that time, and has been taking care of her 6 month old son alone, decides to move from the lounge chair to a floating raft. We were splashing and throwing around the balls, thus causing spray, some of which continued to land on my sister. She’d had enough, and sat up “Would you stop splashing for a while.” I thought...hey, it’s a swimming pool, there’s water...hello? Instead, I said, “Anything for Princess [sister].” My sister was pissed. I saw it in her eyes. She wanted to relax...something she really hadn’t been able to do since her husband was so far away and she was temporarily a single parent. If I could take back my comment, I would, but the attitude my sister has now is the same attitude she’s shown me since this spring. She doesn’t want to talk to me and she can’t accept my decision. I don’t know if she can see that it’s the best for me or not. Perhaps she thinks it’s not the best decision for her. Either way, I can’t believe she’s turned such a small event into this catastrophe.
I mentioned all of this on a TS board on a subject someone else had started about the sister they had that would no longer allow her family in the same company as the TS. There were all types of suggestions ranging from just going in boy mode to going fully as Kara. Since my mom is so supportive, I think she’ll be mad if I go as a guy, but hopefully understand the circumstances. My dad doesn’t really care one way or the other. If I go as a girl, I’m afraid my sister will be upset, but it’s her place we’re spending Thanksgiving. If I go as a guy, my mom will be upset at my sister and Dad. She was a little upset during my visit in July when I was only in boy mode, when she had prepared everyone for Kara. The only girl stuff was when I was in the pool when I’d wear a sports bra top that sorta matched my male bottom bathing suit.
One person remarked on the board it was better to go in girl mode since “it’s better for them to hate the person you are than to love the person you aren’t.” Good advice, but since this is my sister’s place I think I will exist there in boy mode. I’m flying in girl mode, though, and I brought along some wipes to clean the makeup off on the drive to her place. I’ll put a sweatshirt over my blouse, change shoes, and but the side bangs back into my rat’s nest of a ponytail. We’re headed to group therapy on Friday, and I hope my sister will attend.
Monday, November 24, 2003
Overboard
I received an email from my mom this morning. She went way overboard by adding my soon-to-be-middle name to the intro and using “you girls” when referring to my sister and I. I sent an email back saying I appreciated the affirming words, but to kinda chill on the extreme stuff. She still is by far my best supporter in the family. I’ll be seeing some of the family later this week as I travel to the Midwest to spend time with them for Thanksgiving.
My electrologist asked this past weekend if I was interested in doing some hours tonight, and of course, I took her up on her offer. She was able to put in 3 hours on my cheeks tonight. Whew....all of this facial hair removal seems to be coming together, but I know that I still have a ways to go. The upper lip still needs a lot of work. As I was heading home, I decided to go for a little fast food. Yeah, it's a bad habit, but it's my comfort food and reward for the pain. I pulled up to pay for the meal, then looked inside...don’t ask me why. Across the way, I spotted my coworker Mark. What a coincidence. Anyway, I would have brought it up tomorrow, but there would be too many questions as to why I was down there, so I’ll just let it all slide. I’m just lucky I wasn’t down there in girl mode and decided to go inside to order. That would have been a trip....but I wonder if Mark would have spotted me.
Anyway, tonight my electrologist and I had a few good conversations. Short Rachel was before me, but was on her way out as I was arriving. I haven’t really had the chance to chat with her, but then again, it appears she’s not really into hanging out with other T’s. I don’t blame her...she looks great and supposedly has a good GG base to work with. The girl doesn’t need any facial surgery as she has hardly any brow, has a small nose, and a small chin. Anyway, my electro and I talked about what finally kicked us into gear into transitioning. She said her crisis was finally realizing she’d never be a break out musician. I told her mine was a combination of a few different events....seeing another transsexual with my own eyes shortly before turning 30, turning 30, and also having an anxiety attack one night a few months later as I stared in the mirror and saw the reflection of an old man. It scared the crap out of me.
Money, money, money....take 10.
Hey, I checked my current 401k account and all of the investments from my old 401k are now in my new 401k, and appear capable of being borrowed from....which should take care of the remainder of my Dr. O bill.
My electrologist asked this past weekend if I was interested in doing some hours tonight, and of course, I took her up on her offer. She was able to put in 3 hours on my cheeks tonight. Whew....all of this facial hair removal seems to be coming together, but I know that I still have a ways to go. The upper lip still needs a lot of work. As I was heading home, I decided to go for a little fast food. Yeah, it's a bad habit, but it's my comfort food and reward for the pain. I pulled up to pay for the meal, then looked inside...don’t ask me why. Across the way, I spotted my coworker Mark. What a coincidence. Anyway, I would have brought it up tomorrow, but there would be too many questions as to why I was down there, so I’ll just let it all slide. I’m just lucky I wasn’t down there in girl mode and decided to go inside to order. That would have been a trip....but I wonder if Mark would have spotted me.
Anyway, tonight my electrologist and I had a few good conversations. Short Rachel was before me, but was on her way out as I was arriving. I haven’t really had the chance to chat with her, but then again, it appears she’s not really into hanging out with other T’s. I don’t blame her...she looks great and supposedly has a good GG base to work with. The girl doesn’t need any facial surgery as she has hardly any brow, has a small nose, and a small chin. Anyway, my electro and I talked about what finally kicked us into gear into transitioning. She said her crisis was finally realizing she’d never be a break out musician. I told her mine was a combination of a few different events....seeing another transsexual with my own eyes shortly before turning 30, turning 30, and also having an anxiety attack one night a few months later as I stared in the mirror and saw the reflection of an old man. It scared the crap out of me.
Money, money, money....take 10.
Hey, I checked my current 401k account and all of the investments from my old 401k are now in my new 401k, and appear capable of being borrowed from....which should take care of the remainder of my Dr. O bill.
Sunday, November 23, 2003
Another busy weekend
Mark and I had lunch on Friday, and ate outside to enjoy the somewhat nice weather...out of the wind. As we were sitting there, Mark spots a group of people walking in to order their food, and says that they are dressed as programmers....and that they have stereotyped themselves. He says they’re straight out of a movie...the punk girl, the nerdy white boys, and the skinny Asian guy. I ask him what I have stereotyped myself as. He says I don’t have a particular stereotype.
Friday night as I picked up dinner, I spotted my favorite bartender. The cute girl was there, too. Unfortunately, both were busy with other stuff than take care of me, so one of the managers rang me up.
After electro on Saturday, I was off for home to shower and get ready to go to the city. I had arranged the Dr. O seminar and wanted to get to the Center a little early to help with setup. I arrived only a few minutes early to see Dr. O and Mira fiddling with their projector. They never got it to work, so we all just huddled in tight to watch the presentation on their laptop. Although he didn’t really talk about much of the graphic part of the surgery, he did explain a little more about some of it. I was kinda hoping to tape it so that we can show it at further events to those that are interested, but I think they prefer that no one tapes it. I totally understand, which is why I asked first if I could.
Anyway, after the event, I was finally able to introduce Amy and Claire to one another. We determined that they were born one month apart, and started HRT one month apart. Crazy. Are they sisters separated at birth? We hung out at the Center for a while by moving from area to area, staying one step ahead of the utility guy. Whew...we talked about a lot of issues with transition. There are just so many things that happen during it, that it just seems to consume so much time. It’s nice to be able to discuss it with people, though, although it would be really cool to have some TS friends who are finished with the whole process who don’t mind looking back at us once in a while.
Since I’d only had a banana for breakfast and a PB&J sandwich with a couple of carrots for lunch, I was starting to get hungry. We picked up Tyler on the way to Northbeach, then walked around looking for a nice place to eat. Tyler and Claire were greeted by two Italian guys basically begging us to eat there, and even threw in free dessert as a teaser. We walked around a little more, then figured all of the places were about the same....so we went for the free dessert. Wrong move. The food I had wasn’t the best, but it was edible. I think Claire had the same thoughts on it. We all shared the “free dessert” then crashed at a local cafe. It’s been a little chilly here lately, so I went for a nice cup of hot cocoa. Yum. I finally dropped all of them off then made it home, only to finally crash at 2am. It’s kinda funny that I’m driving everyone around considering I drive a small little sports coupe and everyone else is like 6’ tall. Since I’m fairly small, I fit well in my car, and never really had to worry about transporting people around....but out of the group, I’m the only one with a car. Wild.
I was up early this morning watching the pregame show. Yeah, yeah. After watching the Packers beat up on the local Forty-Whiners, I got ready in order to meet Tyler for a little shopping. We grabbed a little lunch in Nordstrom’s cafe where I experienced yet another simply edible meal. It must be the weather. Oh oh...just before our food arrived, I had to use the restroom. That was the first time I was in a crowded restroom, although there was no line. Whew. I had to walk all the way to the back of the restroom to find an empty stall. It’s just such a nervous situation because you don’t know what someone is going to do if they see you as a man instead of a transsexual in transition, and do something to hurt you. Anyway....get in, potty, wash hands, out.
Tyler spent what seemed like forever trying to pick out a sweater. Next time I'll bring back-up so we can drag her outta there. :P At least she was kind enough to help me pick out a little black dress for a dinner in a few weeks. I wanted to stay under $120 for it, and made it by about 25 bucks. The dress fits pretty good, and shows off a little cleavage which I was quite impressed with while staring in the mirror in the dressing room....the dress, not the cleavage. :P
We also went in the Victoria Secret fragrance store. The women running around in there were both quite polite, and went out of their way to call us ladies over and over. One of them spotted my freckles and noted her own as well. I said, “I guess that makes us pretty unique,” and smiled. She did as well. It seemed like they knew I was TS, but they were cool with it. Since it’s San Francisco, I’m sure they’ve seen it all.
I crashed tonight with a 3 mile run and a Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Jack in the Box....but no Oreo cookie shake.
Friday night as I picked up dinner, I spotted my favorite bartender. The cute girl was there, too. Unfortunately, both were busy with other stuff than take care of me, so one of the managers rang me up.
After electro on Saturday, I was off for home to shower and get ready to go to the city. I had arranged the Dr. O seminar and wanted to get to the Center a little early to help with setup. I arrived only a few minutes early to see Dr. O and Mira fiddling with their projector. They never got it to work, so we all just huddled in tight to watch the presentation on their laptop. Although he didn’t really talk about much of the graphic part of the surgery, he did explain a little more about some of it. I was kinda hoping to tape it so that we can show it at further events to those that are interested, but I think they prefer that no one tapes it. I totally understand, which is why I asked first if I could.
Anyway, after the event, I was finally able to introduce Amy and Claire to one another. We determined that they were born one month apart, and started HRT one month apart. Crazy. Are they sisters separated at birth? We hung out at the Center for a while by moving from area to area, staying one step ahead of the utility guy. Whew...we talked about a lot of issues with transition. There are just so many things that happen during it, that it just seems to consume so much time. It’s nice to be able to discuss it with people, though, although it would be really cool to have some TS friends who are finished with the whole process who don’t mind looking back at us once in a while.
Since I’d only had a banana for breakfast and a PB&J sandwich with a couple of carrots for lunch, I was starting to get hungry. We picked up Tyler on the way to Northbeach, then walked around looking for a nice place to eat. Tyler and Claire were greeted by two Italian guys basically begging us to eat there, and even threw in free dessert as a teaser. We walked around a little more, then figured all of the places were about the same....so we went for the free dessert. Wrong move. The food I had wasn’t the best, but it was edible. I think Claire had the same thoughts on it. We all shared the “free dessert” then crashed at a local cafe. It’s been a little chilly here lately, so I went for a nice cup of hot cocoa. Yum. I finally dropped all of them off then made it home, only to finally crash at 2am. It’s kinda funny that I’m driving everyone around considering I drive a small little sports coupe and everyone else is like 6’ tall. Since I’m fairly small, I fit well in my car, and never really had to worry about transporting people around....but out of the group, I’m the only one with a car. Wild.
I was up early this morning watching the pregame show. Yeah, yeah. After watching the Packers beat up on the local Forty-Whiners, I got ready in order to meet Tyler for a little shopping. We grabbed a little lunch in Nordstrom’s cafe where I experienced yet another simply edible meal. It must be the weather. Oh oh...just before our food arrived, I had to use the restroom. That was the first time I was in a crowded restroom, although there was no line. Whew. I had to walk all the way to the back of the restroom to find an empty stall. It’s just such a nervous situation because you don’t know what someone is going to do if they see you as a man instead of a transsexual in transition, and do something to hurt you. Anyway....get in, potty, wash hands, out.
Tyler spent what seemed like forever trying to pick out a sweater. Next time I'll bring back-up so we can drag her outta there. :P At least she was kind enough to help me pick out a little black dress for a dinner in a few weeks. I wanted to stay under $120 for it, and made it by about 25 bucks. The dress fits pretty good, and shows off a little cleavage which I was quite impressed with while staring in the mirror in the dressing room....the dress, not the cleavage. :P
We also went in the Victoria Secret fragrance store. The women running around in there were both quite polite, and went out of their way to call us ladies over and over. One of them spotted my freckles and noted her own as well. I said, “I guess that makes us pretty unique,” and smiled. She did as well. It seemed like they knew I was TS, but they were cool with it. Since it’s San Francisco, I’m sure they’ve seen it all.
I crashed tonight with a 3 mile run and a Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Jack in the Box....but no Oreo cookie shake.
Thursday, November 20, 2003
5th Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance
Today is the 5th Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance...well, for another 18 minutes it is.
I made it to Harvey Milk Plaza slightly before 6:30 tonight, which was supposed to be the start time for the walk down Market Street. I was impressed that I was able to make it there considering the logistics of the entire thing...putting on makeup, driving into the city, parking....parking, catching the F Street car down to the Castro from the LGBT Center.
Anyway, I said hello to a few friends while we waited....Kate, Gwen, Gayle, Mikayla, Kelly, Dion, Travis, and Angel to name a few. I called Claire since I thought she would be down there as well, but the timing of the event with her zapping schedule just didn’t work out. For those that don’t know....never get between a transsexual and her electrolysis appointment. I also saw Matt Gonzalez, one of the mayoral candidates in next month’s mayor’s race runoff. I was impressed he was out there. Too bad I don’t vote in SF.
As we were all waiting, I had two separate people come up to me and asked what the whole thing was about. I told them it was the 5th Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance. One guy couldn’t believe we’d been having it for 5 years. I guess many people just don’t realize how long we’ve been around. Jeez, just looking back at all of it, I have spotted TS/TG conferences that occurred when I never even knew they were going on, way before I was out to myself. Where was I? Why hadn’t I ever heard the word transgender before 2000? Was I living in a cave or what?
The walk along Market was nicely organized. We had a police escort the entire way, although we walked a little slower than what I would have liked...but that was probably by choice...to take in the event in all of it’s glory. Usually, most of us get tired of people staring at us because we are different...but tonight we wanted them to stare at us...acknowledge who we are...and realize that we are people...just like them, and it’s not OK to kill us just because our gender identity and gender expression are different.
We made it to the LGBT Center then piled into the Ceremonial Room. We had a number of performers, including Transcendence, the first all-transgender Gospel Choir. They’ve been around for over a year and I’ve heard them perform a number of times. Unfortunately, I’m not the biggest fan of gospel, but they do sing very nicely. What was so amazing to me is that there was an entire stage filled with people who now expressed themselves in the gender they identified with, even though they were born into the opposite biological sex. It was so amazing to see all of them being who they are, and seeing them so happy.
A guy walked around passing out cards with numbers on them. Someone didn’t want theirs, so I offered to take it. It was number 19. After the list of performers and speakers had concluded, we moved forward with the crowning moment...reading the names of those that had been killed because they were different. One...two...three......the names continued with horrible stories of how people were killed and the injustice around their murder. Many of the people that killed these transgender people were never identified or even tried for their crimes. Sixteen....seventeen....eighteen.. ..the mic was passed to me. I read the card:
Gwen rung the bell after I finished.
Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two....the names continued on, each one dying in horrible fashions. Thirty-five, thirty-six.....thirty-seven. Thirty-seven people were killed in the past year because they were either transgender or a supporter/friend of someone who was transgender. When can we stop hating people because they are different....and just move forward with life.
Sorry, but I have to continue on. This week, Bush has been in Europe. Today, a bunch of Europeans brought down a huge fake statue of Bush similar to the way the Saddam statue fell. George is fighting so hard for the freedoms of Iraqi’s and the security of Americans, but he won’t even provide the freedom of gay and transgender people in the US to marry one another. What type of two faced freedom is that?
I made it to Harvey Milk Plaza slightly before 6:30 tonight, which was supposed to be the start time for the walk down Market Street. I was impressed that I was able to make it there considering the logistics of the entire thing...putting on makeup, driving into the city, parking....parking, catching the F Street car down to the Castro from the LGBT Center.
Anyway, I said hello to a few friends while we waited....Kate, Gwen, Gayle, Mikayla, Kelly, Dion, Travis, and Angel to name a few. I called Claire since I thought she would be down there as well, but the timing of the event with her zapping schedule just didn’t work out. For those that don’t know....never get between a transsexual and her electrolysis appointment. I also saw Matt Gonzalez, one of the mayoral candidates in next month’s mayor’s race runoff. I was impressed he was out there. Too bad I don’t vote in SF.
As we were all waiting, I had two separate people come up to me and asked what the whole thing was about. I told them it was the 5th Annual Transgender Day of Remembrance. One guy couldn’t believe we’d been having it for 5 years. I guess many people just don’t realize how long we’ve been around. Jeez, just looking back at all of it, I have spotted TS/TG conferences that occurred when I never even knew they were going on, way before I was out to myself. Where was I? Why hadn’t I ever heard the word transgender before 2000? Was I living in a cave or what?
The walk along Market was nicely organized. We had a police escort the entire way, although we walked a little slower than what I would have liked...but that was probably by choice...to take in the event in all of it’s glory. Usually, most of us get tired of people staring at us because we are different...but tonight we wanted them to stare at us...acknowledge who we are...and realize that we are people...just like them, and it’s not OK to kill us just because our gender identity and gender expression are different.
We made it to the LGBT Center then piled into the Ceremonial Room. We had a number of performers, including Transcendence, the first all-transgender Gospel Choir. They’ve been around for over a year and I’ve heard them perform a number of times. Unfortunately, I’m not the biggest fan of gospel, but they do sing very nicely. What was so amazing to me is that there was an entire stage filled with people who now expressed themselves in the gender they identified with, even though they were born into the opposite biological sex. It was so amazing to see all of them being who they are, and seeing them so happy.
A guy walked around passing out cards with numbers on them. Someone didn’t want theirs, so I offered to take it. It was number 19. After the list of performers and speakers had concluded, we moved forward with the crowning moment...reading the names of those that had been killed because they were different. One...two...three......the names continued with horrible stories of how people were killed and the injustice around their murder. Many of the people that killed these transgender people were never identified or even tried for their crimes. Sixteen....seventeen....eighteen.. ..the mic was passed to me. I read the card:
My name was Michael Charles Hurd of Houston, Texas, and on June 18th, I was found shot to death in my car; at the time of my death I was wearing a wig, makeup, and feminine attire.
Gwen rung the bell after I finished.
Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two....the names continued on, each one dying in horrible fashions. Thirty-five, thirty-six.....thirty-seven. Thirty-seven people were killed in the past year because they were either transgender or a supporter/friend of someone who was transgender. When can we stop hating people because they are different....and just move forward with life.
Sorry, but I have to continue on. This week, Bush has been in Europe. Today, a bunch of Europeans brought down a huge fake statue of Bush similar to the way the Saddam statue fell. George is fighting so hard for the freedoms of Iraqi’s and the security of Americans, but he won’t even provide the freedom of gay and transgender people in the US to marry one another. What type of two faced freedom is that?
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