Genetic Predisposition

Although this was obviously produced by the gay community to mock the Republicans who are trying so hard to be homophobic assholes, I found it to be quite funny:

REPUBLICANISM SHOWN TO BE GENETIC IN ORIGIN

Scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE announced the discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically determined. This caused uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism, discovered after a decades long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans' unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics -- a remarkably high percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle.

Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all," said one author of the NURTURE article, "It's quite common for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican." The finding has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable children, family, and un-indicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy on hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said, seated with her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "My boys would never freely choose that lifestyle!" When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she said, "You can just tell watching their conventions in Houston and San Diego On TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone not rich, you know." Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through.

The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from sharing not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as products of the same parents and family dynamics.

A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted Republican at least once -- or often dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that three out of five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience, although most outgrow teenage experimentation with Republicanism.

Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their lifestyle any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn't be denied civil rights, which other minorities enjoy.

If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something Republicans can't help, there's no reason why society shouldn't tolerate Republicans in the military or even high elected office -- provided they don't flaunt their political beliefs.

For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a different future. In a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism altogether.

But should they be allowed to marry...?

4 letter words

Everyone knows all of the bad ones, but what about the other four letter words...the ones that are so complex, so intertwined with definitions inside definitions...words like LOVE, WORK, ROAD, and SOUP. Yes, soup.

I’ve been sick the past few days, well, mainly Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I just kinda chilled. I’m feeling better, although I never felt horrible. Monday I felt overwhelmingly tired and had the uncomfortable tickle in the back of my throat. A cold was trying to find it’s way into my body. So, I took off Monday afternoon, grabbed two small bowls of hot and sour soup on the way home, then snuggled up under my covers for an afternoon nap. Tuesday I made it back to work, but was still feeling a bit tired. So, yes, Tuesday night I picked up two large bowls of hot and sour soup. What can I say, it’s my chicken noodle soup, ok? I just love the spicy flavor, the light veggies, the tofu, and just the general way the hot soup makes me feel. Yes, I’m easy to please. Anyway, on Wednesday I finished off the second bowl for dinner. I haven’t seen much of the cold since early Tuesday morning, but I’ve still been a bit tired this week, and fighting a little drainage through the nose.

As I IM’d Amber this week, have you ever felt so overwhelmed at work that you just wanted to sit there and do nothing? That’s almost the way I felt today, although I didn’t sit around doing nothing. Let me try to put into words the way I have felt lately. Remember, I was away from work for 3.5 weeks with surgery. Imagine you are going to climb a huge mountain. You have all of your supplies and set out that week at the base. You climb all week long, yet when you look up at the mountain on Friday, you find that you are no further up than when you started, and the mountain’s top has grown taller, so you actually have more to climb than you did at the start of the week. That has been this week. I started the week off with enough to keep me busy for quite some time, yet work kept flowing in throughout the past four days.

Last night, an old friend IM’s me. We chatted back and forth about how each of us were doing (He’s known about me for almost a year), and then he asks me about my sexuality, and if I have anyone I'm in love with. He’d noticed I’d gone out on a date with a guy and wondered if I had dropped women altogether. I told him I just went on a date with a guy to kinda experience the other side of things. All I did was talk over a pizza with the guy, but it was one of those things I kinda wanted to try before I went fulltime.

Anyway, so, let’s discuss relationships and love. Love is quite an intricate little word. It’s meaning is defined by so much more. And if you try to find a synonym for love, you’ll never be able to even come close to it’s meaning. What is love? To me, love is made up of physical attraction, sexual attraction, psychological attraction, and relationship attraction.

Right now, I have a physical attraction that is very complex. I’m attracted to women in their softness, their femininity, their curvature, and their beauty. I also find some men attractive in their firmness, their masculinity, their roughness, and their strength. So, if you’re playing along at home, let’s chalk that up as a 10 for women, and a 7 for men.

For sexual attraction, I’m basically attracted to having sex with men. Yeah, I’m attracted to hetero sex. As a woman, I’d rather have sex with a man. However, I also find lesbian sex quite attractive, but the dynamics of lesbian sex are quite a bit different than hetero sex. My attraction to lesbian sex is more about cuddling, foreplay, caressing....the total softness with it. So, let’s give guys a 10, and girls an 8.

Psychological attraction is the attraction you have for what’s upstairs in your mate. For me, I need someone that is intriguing, thoughtful, intelligent, witty, slightly sarcastic, yet also quite liberal. I mean, come on, dating a transsexual is going to take a bit of tolerance and open-mindedness. I also need someone who is secure in themself. (Yes, I know no one likes the word themself, but it works for me in a singular genderless sort of way.) For me, my attraction to another person’s psyche is independent of their physical sex, so that’s a 10 for both the girls and the boys.

Relationship attraction is a bit harder to define. Sex and physical attraction work well in the sack and when you’re just in love with their appearance, but loving someone for the relationship is entirely different. For me, women and men love in two entirely different ways. A woman loves a man for his strength and his security. She wants to feel surrounded by his large arms knowing that he loves only her and has given his heart in protecting her. A woman loves another woman based more on a friendship basis. Yes, they both share in surrounding one another with love, but the masculine factor is mainly removed (assuming we aren’t talking butch dyke stuff). The dynamic behind a male-female relationship is more about sexual relations, while that behind a female-female relationship is more about friendship relations, while I’m sure that sex plays an integral part in both relationships. Both relationships, though, build upon the sharing of one’s souls, and to be honest, the souls do a lot of crossing of the gender lines, even if they never think they do. Of course, all of this is from my point of view. I could be way the hell off target, but then again, I could be hitting on a number of bull’s eyes, but I just might not be hitting all of the targets. Anyway, so, relationship wise, and this is based simply on the bell curves (so, yes, I am stereotyping), I will give the girls a 10, and the boys a 9...assuming the best of what each has to offer.

So, let’s add up the totals...and we have: girls - 38, and boys - 36. So, yeah, I guess I prefer women still, but there are so many factors to consider. Let’s just call me bi, and one day I’ll figure it all out. Who knows, the boys may hit a 3-pointer at the buzzer.

Anyway, I dragged Amber up to a TGSF social meeting tonite so that I could say a few words on the reasons people should vote me as one of the new Outreach Co-Chairs. Actually, she volunteered to go. I’m sure she has a few interesting things to say on her blog. I warned her before we went, though, that there would be people from all along the gender spectrum. Her, Claire, and I grabbed some Thai food before the meeting. Claire had some interesting things on her mind as well, and I tried to tell her that the thoughts she was having were ok. I told her that I had a few times where I would say, “what the hell am I doing?” or “am I doing the right thing?” Sure, this may not be the best road to travel, but it was better than the road I was on. Don’t get me wrong, though, the previous road was ok and there were many highlights, but the likely destinations along that road looked very gloomy from my point of view. Anyway, this is the road I have chosen. It’s going to take a lot of work along the road of my journey, and one day, hopefully I’ll find love on the shoulder, but in the meantime, don’t be surprised to find me pulled over to the side slurping some soup.

Can you hear me now?

Claire, Rachel, and I met the visiting Ali and her boyfriend over at the Cocoon House, then went to lunch in the Castro. After hearing Ali tell us that there was a blue-haired woman visiting one of the recovering women at the Cocoon House, we went back to visit the most likely blue-haired person that would be there - Rach. We visited for a while with the 2 visitors upstairs, then went to the unit down below to find Rach, Debbie, and her fiancé Chris. And, of course, we stopped by to say hi to Tricia and Mary-Lou again. They don’t often get to see visitors much beyond 1-2 weeks, so seeing us allows them to see how recovery goes after that.

Tonite on King of the Hill, Peggy was an artist who had a showing at a gallery, but the owner said her stuff wasn’t selling. He said it might help if she was "insane." Hank said, “no way.” As Hank was leaving, the owner says something else to make her more “unique,” then finished with “transgender?” thus implying that if she were transgender, her artwork might be worth something. Can you remember when TV satirized that an interior designer wasn’t worth anything unless they were gay (well, that’s what I remember from watching Cheers in the 80’s when Norm tried pretending to be gay to get more business)? I guess TV is trying to find subjects that are more novel than being gay, as being gay becomes more acceptable.

I paid my phone bill the other day. Usually, it runs around $40, sometimes more if I use a large number of minutes outside of my free time. This time, however, the bill was $241. Yowch! I knew it was going to be high with all of the calls this past month, but that’s a bit higher than what I was expecting. Perhaps I need to look at a new plan.

Last week at the monthly young-T support group meeting, we got on the subject of breast augmentations. I told the group that I wasn’t worried about it at this time, and that I would assess my development no less than six months following SRS. I’d like to give them the chance to develop on their own. One of my female coworkers stopped by to see the new me for the first time this past week, though, and at one time said I needed bigger boobs. She said that I should pad. I told her I don’t mind having small boobs. Also, I play sports with some of the guys from work, and I’d hate to have the disparity of my “sports boobs” versus my “work boobs.” So, I figure I’ll just keep the boob presentation at the same consistent size. Right now, I’m probably at a nice A with my year and a half of hormones. Yeah, that’s not too big for my size and build, but I do have them. Who knows if they will grow more or not.

I was thinking, though, wow, it would be cool to have at least B-cup breasts. They’d fit my body size a lot better, definitely help alleviate more of the GID, and, well, be an eye catcher. But, after reading a posting on GP about a pre-op girl getting in some very precarious positions, I think it would be best not to get the boobs, if I decide to, until after I’m post-op. I figure not having the bigger boobs will keep me out of most trouble, initiated by myself or anyone else, for quite a while.

Uuuugggghhhh...my nose itches. The bad part is, I can’t even itch it. It itches right at the base of the nose at the septum, but inside, which I assume means that nerves are reconnecting and, thus, healing. I can only scratch the outside...very softly. ggggrrrrr!

The small things

I went to dinner last night with Claire, Brooke, Tyler, /Amber/, Amy, and Rachel, along with “JoanB” who heads out for SRS next week. We also had three celebrating recent or upcoming birthdays, but we won’t mention names. We had some very good Peruvian food at a little place called Fresca. Very good. I have leftovers that I’ll be chowing on for lunch today. Yum!

“JoanB” heads out this upcoming week to basically finish off transition, and then, well, I guess she’s set to get back to living her life. She’ll still have a couple of fun months of dilating, but that’s what it’s all about, right?

After dinner, Brooke, Amy, /Amber/, Claire, and I found a pool hall to hang out in for a while. I think Claire wanted to do a little dancing where there were “a lot of single, straight, good looking guys,” but she settled for pool. I want to say we got there about 10ish and waited for about 30 minutes on a table to open up while I took a small nap. We played 5-way cutthroat. Claire was definitely the best shooter, while the rest of us just tried to play along. Claire seemed to have this fascination with sinking all of my balls first, as well as jinxing me with the #2 ball. We played a number of games, only the first few which I was able to win (and act really cocky). When I went to check the time, I found it to be 3:15am. Wow! I hadn’t been out that late in a long time. We played one last game in which Claire routed us again, then headed out. Brooke and /Amber/ stopped by my place a little after 4am before they headed home themselves, then I was off to bed slightly before 5am. Just over a month ago, I would have been waking up and heading off to see Dr. O.

I woke up this morning around 10am to miscellaneous sounds, especially to some annoying person who kept banging on the metal siderails of the apartment building stair’s. Dooiiinnnnnggggg! Doooiiiinnnnngggggg! ggggrrrrrr!!!!! That’s just so annoying. So, I got up and took Scooby for a walk since it’s just her and I this weekend.

This past week has continued to include a lot of small milestones. The IT department finally got around to my name change stuff, and even though it included a lot of small annoying system hangups, it was nice to finally have my name on my messages.

I contacted my old university about name changes and new diplomas. One of the women in the alumni office emailed me back saying that another woman had recently gone through all of the stuff I’m going through with the name/gender change. Yep. We’re out there, but it appears I’m only the second of 2 at my alma mater. I told her she could forward my email info on to the other one who’s journey took her along the same route.

Let’s see, the mail brought my new bank checks, the initial package of info from Dr. Meltzer for SRS, and my driver’s license. Yep, it arrived with my new picture, and where it says “SEX:” there is a big fat F following it. I look swollen in the picture, but all of the information is correct, for once. I might go back in a few months and have a new picture taken in which I’m hopefully less swollen.

This past Thursday, I had my first therapy visit since FFS. My therapist thought my FFS went well, and we discussed what exactly Dr. O did. Other than that, we just talked about the past month or two, including going back to work. As I was driving back to work, /Amber/ calls. She noticed that I went out for a couple of walks this past week and wondered if I wanted to go for a walk or run. As I told /Amber/, though, I bounced up and down a few times at home to see how the face would handle the jarring, but portions of the forehead and nose felt weird, so running was out for a while. She said her work computer had gone bonkers or something, and that she didn’t have anything to do. I told her it was better for me to stay out of the sun, so we met in the evening on a local university campus to walk around. I think we walked for about an hour and a half, jumped one fence, rambled all over campus, and talked, talked, talked. I’d never really visited much of the campus that wasn’t accessible via car, but there was so much more on the interior part that I had never seen before. We grabbed dinner before I headed home. Anyway, I put in walks of 2, 3, and probably 5 miles this week. Not too bad.

Anyway, I have a ton of things to do this weekend...taxes, pay bills, CLEAN, get an oil change, and probably do a little shopping (Express has a sale!!!). Uuuugggghhh. I feel so tired though.

I spent about 5 hours going through tax stuff this afternoon. It’s the first time I’ve done it online and through a service. I figure I’ll be doing that from now on. The good news is that I have a federal and state total return that basically equals Dr. O’s down payment. Nice! This next year should be even better with the major payment of Dr. O’s fees counting as a medical deduction, assuming, of course, that my tax return goes through ok. I’ll hopefully be able to use that money to pay for at least half of SRS.

Let’s see, what else did I do today. Hmmmm. Well, I had the oil changed, but now I’m headed to bed.

The Vulcan Mind Meld

Sitting at work as me lately, along with a few other events, has been very...unique...sorta. For the past few years, I basically had two different worlds. I had the boy-world which grew smaller and smaller until it existed mainly at work, and then there was the girl-world which grew from my closet outward. They were almost always distinct...never crossing. Still, though, the girl-world was consuming the boy-world, and each new encroachment was sometimes hard to get used to...hard, but in a good way. Now that girl-world has fully consumed boy-world, it’s still something I’m getting used to. Perhaps I shouldn’t say consumed, but more like merged.

For example, last Thursday (Day 2 at work), Robi and I went out to lunch to a place that calls your name when your order is ready. After I ordered, the lady at the front counter asks for my name. Because this place, along with being with Robi, had forever existed solely in boy-world, I started to give her my boy name...but I corrected myself as the syllables slowly slipped out of my mouth. And it’s just wild sitting in my cube at work as me...a place that had forever existed only in boy-world. It’s still something I’m getting used to...quite fast. Really, it’s strange looking back at how I used to sit in this cube as a boy. It was only a shell that I hid within. The boy, not the cubicle. So, now my worlds have melded, and there is only one world in which to live. It’s kinda nice so far.

Yesterday morning, I finally changed my work ID over to the new girl name and picture. The security guard didn’t seem to have any trouble with the entire affair. The picture wasn’t the best, but at least it has a better picture than before.

I went for a nice 2 mile walk last night. As I told a friend, I tried jumping up and down to see how my face would take the jarring, and too many things felt just a little too weird to do any running yet. It was nice to get out, though, and do a little exercising.

Today, I decided to wear a skirt to work. Hey, it’s been rather warm here lately, so I figured it would help keep me cooler in case the building suddenly hit a heat wave. So, I was walking on my work campus up to the mailbox to drop in a birthday card to my sister, and as I turned to walk back, I saw a UPS truck turn the corner. Right when the truck was level with me, I turned my head and caught the UPS guy checking me out. He just smiled. Hah! Snagged!!! Pretty sweet!

I also called Dr. Meltzer’s office to begin looking at SRS for next year. It appears that they are booking about 8-9 months out, which means I can probably get scheduled for about this time next year. Now, I just need to take care of their paperwork request, which they mailed out to me, and pay the down payment of $500 to book a date.

I guess today was a little day filled with a lot of different little milestones. I received my new Social Security card in the mail today. HR also officially changed my name at work and finally sent a request to IT to change everything else...including my email.

Elevator Ride to the Top

The check from my state disability had my new legal name on it, but I still haven’t changed my checking over to the new name since I just went to the DMV this past week. Anyway, I figured it would be better to get the check in the ol’ checking account, so I went to my bank with my old license, my court order, and my old checking stuff to change my name. Things went pretty good, and her eyes didn’t pop out of her head when she saw the old male license, but I did sense a bit of discomfort from her at times. After that, I deposited the check in my account, which also has my old name on there as an “AKA” just in case I have other checks that come in with the old boy name.

I went to Damon’s 30th birthday party in the South Bay, saw a few friends, ate some burgers and brownies, and chilled inside for a while watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. As I sat there watching the movie, I thought to myself, “Hey, this Charlie kid is probably getting pretty old by now...they’ll need a new person running the factory pretty soon.” So, I found that Willy Wonka came out in 1971 and Charlie was supposedly 10 in the movie. That makes him 43 about now, which is still pretty young to be running a factory....but maybe not THE Chocolate Factory. And, when I looked at IMDB, they listed a new movie for release next year: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is Charlie turning over the factory to someone new? Nope, it just says that Tim Burton is remaking the story closer to the book (always think dark with Tim Burton...thus, they should call it Charlie and the Dark Chocolate Factory?!?!)...and believe it or not, Johnny Depp is taking on the role of Willy Wonka. I found a bunch of neat little items on IMDB, though. Did you know that the role of Charlie was the only role that child actor ever had? It’s hard to believe he never had a role after that.

I then cruised to meet Kathy for some shopping and dinner. It was Kathy’s first time to see me since before surgery. She said she was really worried about the results, but after seeing me, she said she was pretty happy with how I looked.

We did a little shopping, and as I was checking out with my credit card, the guy at the counter asks to see my ID. Since the DMV took my girl ID card, I only had the boy one. So, I said, “OK, this might not be an ID you'll like” as I handed it to him. He was totally unfazed, then handed it back. He’s rung me out at that store before a number of times, so maybe he remembered me...who knows.

I’ve noticed that the local news channel is running promos for the Gwen Araujo murder trial jury selection process that begins on Monday. Gwen Smith also reminded me of the upcoming trial a few weeks ago. Gwen Araujo was a transgender teen that was murdered by a group of guys after they found out she was T. They buried her body over a hundred miles away in the Sierra foothills. Since one of the guys pleaded guilty and turned state’s witness, the graphic details have come forward on what happened to Gwen on that fateful day in October 2002. I can remember her name and story being read at the 2002 Day of Remembrance and how I cried uncontrollably. That was the first time I noticed that the intensity of my emotions had increased drastically on hormones. I think the events just hit a little close to home. I mean, I attended her funeral with a few T-friends, although I showed up in boy mode since I had to go back to work afterward. The girl, though, wasn’t a saint. She had sex with these guys even though she was pre-op, but they never knew until someone questioned her gender. During a house party, one of the girls discovered Gwen’s physical gender in the bathroom and disclosed that information to the guys that were there. They spent a few hours bashing her body, then hauled it away to bury their deeds. Sure, she played with fire, but she didn’t deserve to be killed, and her killers will hopefully receive their rightful punishment.

Very Glad It's Friday

I caught a glimpse of my “horoscope” today, and found it amusing again:

Cancer

You have to laugh at what others consider normal. You stop believing in your old expectations. Why limit yourself? Cautious, quiet types blossom into delightful expression. Call up the part of yourself that always wants to come out and play. Friends and associates watch in awe as you tap into a hidden reservoir of creativity. You're a beacon of bright energy over what was once a sea of neutral color. People who don't know you will feel the attractive power of your transformation. Longtime acquaintances recognize the old you and wonder where he or she was for all these years.

Well, hmmm...the person who wants to come out and play has decided she’d rather take a nap. Her beacon of bright energy needs a recharge. And just to let you know, that power of transformation cost $40,000...just for the face.

Day 3 at work was pretty much like the other two. All I can say, though, is that I’m glad I made it a short three day week for my first week back. Ooofff...I’m tired. Basically, I went to work, then went home. Next week could be a battle getting through five days in a row. Hopefully I can get a bit of rest this weekend.

Y came down to say hello again to Pete, Ro, Robi, and myself for lunch. Even though I am still getting back into the solid stuff, I decided to give a burrito a try at my favorite local taqueria. It was difficult opening my mouth that wide, but I was able to squish the burrito down so it fit. My nose was a little sore afterward from having to orient my mouth to bite down...something I really haven’t had to do. All of these little distractions during recovery really kinda suck, but hopefully in the end, they’ll all be worth it.