Flying Home from GP Weekend

Pulled from my written journal

I’m on a plane back to San Francisco now, thus indicating an end to our GP weekend. It was an enjoyable weekend hanging out with everyone, even considering it rained a significant portion of it. I guess I am also very lucky to be in the situation I am in. I’ve been able to personally meet a large number of other T’s around my age via GP, probably doubling the number of Gen Xers I know here in the Bay Area. I’m lucky that we can sit around and talk about a lot of stuff and not have to worry about rejection since we all understand what one another is going through. A lot of the girls that came to Chicago for the GP weekend don’t really have any T friends around their age to hang out with, nor many T friends going through some of the same parts of their journey. I got a lot of big hugs when I said my good-byes last night and this morning. I know quite a few people that had a wonderful time being able to discuss a lot of different issues and see a lot of successful people that have transitioned. Even myself, I was able to talk to Laura about her SRS and how things went for her. She’s an incredibly smart and funny woman, even if I did pick on her a little about a few funny instances.

Like I said, I was able to get to know some of the girls a little better. Quiet Meg finally started opening up to us by Saturday night. She’d never really applied any makeup and was interested in having us show her a few things about applying it. Jaded and Becca figured they would watch as well, whenever Laura and I got around to doing the mini-makeover, that is. Sunday afternoon, we decided to get out when the weather finally decided to cooperate with us. I also told a lot of them that I wanted to get my ears pierced in Chicago since I was past my 3 months of FFS. We walked along the Magnificent Mile and finally found a Claire’s in the Water Tower Place. Becca said she wanted to get her ears pierced as well, so she followed me in the ear piercing ritual. (Note: I do not recommend anyone that is not full time getting their ears pierced simply because they don’t want to give anyone any clues in their transition.) A very kind girl name Romi had me select my earrings and fill out the necessary paperwork. I selected the July birthstone, Ruby, for my studs to be worn continuously for the first 6 weeks. She marked the spots on my ears and had everyone else make sure they were even. She inserted the studs into the device, placed it on my ears, then squeezed as the stud pin ripped through my ear lob and through to the other side. Sure, it hurt a bit, but it was easily tolerable. If electrolysis pain right under the nose is a 10, then this was a 1. Becca followed with silver ball studs.

After finally being pierced, we went downstairs to Marshall Field’s to find some decent makeup for Meg. We helped her pick out some good liquid foundation and powder at Prescriptives. They do a pretty good job of color matching and they were very helpful in matching colors for her even though she was in boy mode. We had a little help at MAC finding her lipstick and a liner pencil, then picked up some of the cheap necessary basics at Walgreens on the way back to the hotel. (By the way, we had excellent service and a wonderful stay at Hotel Allegro in downtown Chicago.) We set her up with some brushes, blush, eye liner pencil, and eye shadows. After eating out with Makenna, Laura, Becca, and Meg at a pretty decent Thai restaurant, we had Meg’s little makeover. She turned out pretty decent, but I think she might have been a little disappointed that she didn’t look more feminine. She has some great features to work with including some great hair. She just needs to take care of some electro mainly on the upper lip. That will help her out the most in the short term. After her makeover, she headed home since she had to work today. The rest of us tried to manage a night out, but it didn’t go quite as planned. Anyway, we still went to bed pretty late (2:30am) with Laura setting her alarm to go off at 4:30am. Youch! That was pretty early this morning. An hour later, I was saying my good-byes to Laura. We had a wonderful time this weekend and got along really well. It was hard to say good-bye. Becca, who crashed in our room, and I got up around 10 to start getting ready. We grabbed a fast breakfast/lunch nearby at a Dunkin Donuts combo place, then said good-bye to the rest of the group. After finishing up my makeup, I checked out then said my good-byes to Becca. I walked half a block north toward the Blue Line back to O’Hare and looked back at Becca who’d walked a half block south to the parking garage that held her car. My weekend was ending – my trip to Chicago was basically over. My own sadness crept over me and I began to tear up. I hate to say good-bye. Suddenly, my phone rang. It was Becca. The garage her car was in was closed and they wouldn’t be open until tomorrow. Crap. She told me to get going to make my flight, but I told her to give Nova and Juri a call to see if they could help. Nova and Juri are two girls living together in a great relationship in Missouri. They met just over a year ago and seem to have found their love in one another. I sorta envy their relationship and hope one day I find a person to share my life with – T or not. I talked with Juri a bit last night and realized both of us grew up near one another. She had her SRS after waiting about 8 years between full time and having the surgery. I don’t know how she was able to manage so long as a pre-op, but the nice thing about waiting was that she met Nova when she was having her SRS. Anyway, Becca called me as I was checking in my luggage to tell me she’d been able to get her car out with Nova and Juri’s help, which I was happy to hear.

For the Chicago trip, I took along my little book of pictures that shows the journey of the girl and the disappearing journey of the boy. Things started out pretty ugly on the girl side, and it took me quite a while before things started to look decent. I took the pictures along because some of the girls are just starting and they might get intimidated by some of us who are full time. I can remember the beginning of my journey and thinking I could never get to where I am now. But I have, and I still have a little ways to go.

One funny thing that a few of us mentioned was the way we came across on our GP forum postings and the way we appeared in real life. Someone noted that Makenna came across just like her posts, and I had to agree. She was very bubbly and energetic. In fact, most people came across very similar to the way they post on-line. Laura told me I came off a lot different than the way I posted in that I wasn’t as serious as she thought I’d be. She said she’d noticed that I did joke around a bit, but didn’t realize I was that much of a goofball. Yep, I’m a goofball. I like being able to laugh about a lot of different things.

Juri also said I seemed more laid back than my postings. Hmmm….I wonder if I come across too serious sometimes. Perhaps I do on that forum, but I intentionally hold myself back sometimes so I don’t clutter it with useless comedic banter.

To close off this entry, I was finding my way from the Blue Line train to the terminals to check in at O’Hare. On the last escalator up to the check in, I noticed a sign at the very top that simply said “Up” with an arrow above it. As I rode the escalator up, I thought, “Duh. Who would post such a stupid sign like that?” But then I realized that the sign wasn’t for those riding the escalator, it was for those already on that level.

There’s a sign at the top of the escalator I’m riding now. It’s for those that have made it to the top of that last escalator, whatever it may be for each of us. It’s also there for those that are riding all of the other escalators it takes to get there. That sign says “LIVE” and there are an endless amount of gates to depart from to a place called “the rest of my life.” Pssst…pass it on.

GenderPeace'n out in Chicago

Pulled from the pages of my written journal

Actually, it’s early into Sunday morning, but I’ll keep this entry on Saturday. I’ve spent the past day with some of the girls off of GenderPeace; well, the ones that were able to make it. I wish we could all gather in one location just to be able to say hi in person, but we all have financial or other constraints that prevent us from traveling around the world.

After arriving at O’Hare yesterday afternoon, I rode the Blue Line to downtown, where our hotel was located. It’s too bad more cities don’t have mass transit like this.

Anyway, I met Becca downstairs and we kinda just sat around until more people showed up. A lot of us eventually ended up in Nova and Juri’s suite. We then went for some deep dish pizza down the street. Ya gotta eat deep dish while in Chicago, right?

Let’s see, I’ve met a ton of people: Becca, Laura, Makenna, Juri, Nova, Meg, Jessica, Crista & Beth, Sarah (who is the only person I’d actually met before), Jaded, Jade, Taylor, Rebecca, Jennifer, Tina, Artemisia, Shoshanna, and Amy from AmyNews.

This morning, I was off for a run in the drizzle. I ran along Wacker Drive (what a name, huh?) to the lakefront. I ran along there for a while before turning back right past the fountain that’s in the intro to the Married with Children TV show. There was a Memorial Day Parade downtown, so there were a number of buses with military personnel in them. During my entire run, I never had any whistles, cat calls, or heckling. Either they were very well behaved, or I did not come across as distinctly female. Catching glimpses of myself in the passing windows, I think it’s the latter.

Because of the drizzle, we moved our scheduled picnic inside. Three of us walked down to McDonalds to grab some burgers to eat with the rest of the food that Artemisia brought along since we obviously weren't about to barbeque inside.

Tonight, we were off to the Blue Man Group. We rode the Red Line up there and caught a fairly entertaining show. We ate dinner afterward, and then caught an amateur drag show before heading back to the hotel.

Me and a Blue Man

Oh yeah, circus girl - Jayne - made it in midday today. She showed us some of her handstand and juggling skills. We actually did a little juggling together where she would steal the balls from me, then I would steal them back. I’m a total amateur juggler, but I do OK considering I don’t really juggle much. She’s quite skilled. Tonight, she was doing her pole hanging trick.

Most of us are full time, but there are a few that are on their way. It’s sorta strange looking back at where they are and when I was at a similar stage. As Laura said, “our journeys are the same, but yet they are so different.”

To stand or not to stand

Pulled from the pages of my written journal

Last week, I had a rug thrown over my head. Well, I thought I did. Amber and I were with Claire in the city and headed to dinner. As we stepped out of Amber’s car, Claire hears some of her coworkers yell her name from across the street. Claire asked us to hold on for a minute before crossing the street to the restaurant so we didn’t have to deal with them. At first I thought Claire didn’t want to be seen with us since her coworkers don’t know that she’s T, but she says it’s because one of the guys is a dickhead. Either way, it made me wonder about the decision to be functionally stealth – where no one basically knows. I left one closet, why go back into another? But if you think about it, it’s not a new closet, but a new world. It made me think, “Do I really want to be labeled a T all of my life? Does it matter what others think of me as long as I am treated equal and respected as a person? Can I ‘disappear?’ Do I want to ‘disappear’?”

I mean, right now, obviously all of my friends and coworkers know about my journey because....well.....I did it right in front of their faces. Will I always be the boy who became a “girl?” Will they always see that remnant of who I used to be to them? Will I always be the boy in a dress? Where do I go? What do I do? Is it important for me that my friends not know my past so that it doesn’t influence what they say and do around me? Does it matter? At this point in my life, I really don’t care, as long as I’m not disrespected.

So, anyway, I’m on another flight – this one to Chicago. It’s a small vacation to hang out with some friends from this one Generation X and Y TS forum.

I just finished watching the in-flight movie, Welcome to Mooseport. It was a cute little movie, and one of the friendlier movies that Gene Hackman has been in for a while. After the movie, I had to go. They had three or four movies on this flight, and at least three of them all finished about the same time. With that unfortunate timing, there was a line for the lavatories. Once into the lavatory, I did the usual wipe-down of the seat, and there was a bit of yuckiness in the back. OK, so when I run into not so clean single stall bathrooms, the debate then becomes whether or not to stand. I mean, I still have about 8+ months that it will still be there – why not use it? The bad part, though, is that the person after me could think that I was the one that left the messy seat. So, yes, I stood in the lavatory. Hey, it’s one of the perks for now, OK? When I’m at home, I usually sit, unless I’m in a rush of some sort. I’ve found, though, that it’s easier to get a more comfortable tuck from the sitting position. OK, so when I am in a public restroom, though, I always sit, no matter what. But if it’s a gross seat in a private setting, I’ll definitely reserve the right to stand. Well, for a little while longer, that is.

A T friend has been discussing a little more of her upcoming SRS journey lately. It makes me ponder my own journey set for early next year. I try to imagine things after surgery to get an idea about how I will react, feel, think, live, breath, and be. How will I be? I know pants and underwear will fit a lot better. Yeah, I can still laugh about it, but at this time, it’s still hard to imagine actually being post-op. I’m going with my friend to help take care of her, as well as to hang out and keep her company. I asked her how she felt about all of it as we drove into the city last week. She said she hadn’t really thought about it, that is, until I asked her. For me, SRS is the only option to a fulfilling life. It’s too hard tucking all of the time. It’s also hard to be in a relationship with it. Yeah, I’m sure “chasers” and a few “lesbians” might like it, but it’s still not me, and it's a huge part of the GID. Plus, I’ll be able to stop taking the spironolactone at that time since there won’t be a need to block the testosterone anymore once the testes are gone. The bad part about all of this, though, and I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, is that it just becomes a vaginal opening. There’s no uterus, no ovaries, no tubes, - no girl - just an inverted boy part. Some girl, huh? Well, I’d rather be an inverted sorta-girl than have Junior. Since I still like girls a little more than boys, though, holding on to Junior is the only benefit in that case. But in the end, having SRS is the only way at getting rid of more of the GID.

It’s funny, but when I see myself in the mirror now, I’m much happier. It’s only been basically three months in a decent presentation, but in that short time I’ve reached an incredible peace with myself. The GID isn’t as “bang-bang-in-your-face” anymore. What’s even more amazing is looking back at old pictures. Yeah, that was my external appearance at the time, but, wow, I can’t imagine going back. I fit back into society now, I just want to fit back into having a life.

OK, well, we’re getting close to landing. It’s sort of a homecoming being back in the Midwest, but of course, I don’t know if the Midwest will ever be my home again.

Three month-ish post-op FFS

A week ago today I was three months post-op FFS. So, here’s my report, albeit a little late.

The top of my head is still a bit numb, but I have about 20-30% feeling in the front along the hairline, fading to about zero percent feeling on the very top of my head. The bad part is that it itches itches itches….bad bad bad. The good part about the bad part is that I can feel most of what I’m itching, so it feels good to itch it. The hair is also growing out of the incision along the hair line, with the average length of the hairs being just under an inch (about 2cm).

The nose is still a bit stiff, but I can move it side to side a bit. The swelling in it continues to go down, except you can now see the one larger bump on the upper part of my nose. I can live with it, but it would have been nice if my nose ended up straight. It’s still going to have that loopy look to it.

The incision inside my mouth is still a bit stiff, but it’s loosening a little each day. The jaw and chin are still a bit lumpy, and sore to a firm touch in some areas. The trachea shave scar is still lumpy as well, including some of the tissue down along the route he had to move in order to shave the Adam’s Apple.

I have my three-month check up with Dr. O next week, so I’m supposed to pick up the particulars on everything he did to my face, as well as have him look at the overall recovery. He only gets to do this with the local girls since most everyone else lives too far away to travel here for just a check up. I think they really enjoy being able to see the results.

Oh yeah, I can sorta get my finger up into my nose now...not that anyone really wanted to know that. Fortunately and unfortunately, I have had a very runny nose the past couple of weeks…ever since the trip to Arizona. I haven’t really had to clean out any solid boogers, instead, I’ve had to blow my nose every couple of hours. My nose still starts running as soon as I hit any cool air. That part of it is really annoying, especially when I am caught without a tissue.

Moving from boogies to boobies, my breasts have been a bit tender lately. Hopefully that is a good indication they are growing again. I hope so.

To be or not to be

This past weekend was kind of a blur…2 hours of genital electro, comfort food, put my door back together, took a nap, then drove into the city to party with Delilah, Brandon, Sam, and a few other people. We had an awesome dinner at AsiaSF, then danced downstairs after the girls finished strutting their stuff along the bar upstairs. They have some incredible T waitresses there, most of which could move away from SF and totally disappear into the woodwork. Some of them could almost be models.

In an IM tonite, I was talking with another T about the “pill question.” I have asked several friends if they would take a pill that took away the GID and made them normal guys. Many T’s say no, but there are some that will truthfully answer that they would consider taking it just so that they could live a normal life even knowing that the person they become might not be the person that they currently are. I, myself, would seriously have considered taking such a pill before FFS, but since no such pill exists, I didn’t. If however, there were a pill that made you a genetic girl, I would have taken it long ago. In my discussion with the other T, though, I realized that I wouldn’t know if I would be the same person if I became a genetic girl or not. How could I be so blind to willingly debate getting rid of the GID and being a man, yet foolishly rush into being a GG who may or may not still be me. What makes one choice make me know I wouldn’t be me, and the other I would be? Anyway, it’s not something I can fully answer at this time, but the best answer I can think of is that inside I know I am a girl, and would do anything to fix the outside.

I read an email today from Chris Daley at the Transgender Law Center who said that Gwen Araujo’s mom, Sylvia Guerrero, has petitioned the state to change her transgender daughter’s name from Eddie to Gwen. She’s due to see the California Supreme Court Tuesday afternoon. Ugghhh…perhaps this will finally get the news anchors to start calling her Gwen.

Athletic Performance

Yesterday morning, Blonde Rachel calls me up to see if I am interested in doing an interview with NBC Channel 11. They called her, but she’s just started dating this guy and doesn’t really want to risk outing herself at this point. Anyway, the subject of the interview concerned the International Olympics Committee decision to allow transsexuals to compete as their new gender following SRS and two years of HRT.

So, Christien Kafton calls me up and we set up an interview around the lunch hour. I was able to talk them into filming slightly off our work campus so as not to garnish a large amount of attention, but with a TV van in the central campus on the lunch hour, plenty of people still saw it. Anyway, Christien was quite the gentleman, as well as quite handsome. We had a good little interview where we talked about what hormones do over time, my decrease in athletic performance because of the hormone's effects, and how this gives everyone the chance to reach for their dreams. He compared it to the same equality of gay marriages. Luckily for us, though, the IOC is a little more understanding than the rest of the homophobic religiously-influenced US of A.

After we wrapped up the interview he told me it would be on at 6pm. So, yeah, I taped it later that evening. I was on for about 5-10 seconds as I told him how my performances have gotten worse since being on HRT. He also had some female joggers discussing their opinions…some for, some against. I can see their point, but with enough scientific evidence, one can see just how even the playing field is. The only problem I see is with MTF’s that are super tall. I have no idea how the IOC is going to handle that one.

Something to laugh about

Today was my appointment to have the Hylaform Gel injected into my nasolabial folds (laugh lines). The plastic surgeon injected something into my cheeks to numb my upper lip area, and then he began injecting the gel. It’s a clear gel containing a purified form of hyaluronic acid, a naturally occurring sugar. It’s naturally found in the skin, cartilage, joints, and eyes of humans. In its natural state, it fills the space between collagen and elastin fibers, delivers nutrients, hydrates the skin by holding in water, and acts as a cushioning agent. In my case, though, he injected the gel just below the surface of the skin to temporarily add volume, thus filling the lines from inside out. I think the numbing shots were the worst part of the entire event, and I was numb for about an hour…and almost wishing I had my electrologist around. Afterward, I was a bit red, but only a touch swollen. Tonight, I can see the tiny areas where he injected the gel with the needle, but otherwise it looks great. I mean, I can still see the laugh lines, but they are far less prominent. From what I could tell, no one noticed the effects from the injected filler all day long. This material is only supposed to last about 12 weeks or so, but they have other options which last a lot longer, but are obviously a bit more expensive. In the long run, though, they are more cost effective for the time period. At this time, I will definitely consider the longer lasting ones.

I attended a meeting late this afternoon and had two people I’d known before FFS come up and introduce themselves to me. Neither of them recognized me. It’s kinda weird having people not know who you are when you know them. I could almost be pretty evil with it, but I’m not…or maybe I’ll save it for the right victim. Muahahaha…. Dangit, Amber is rubbing off on me. Or perhaps, I should stop telling people when they do that to me and just introduce myself to them as Kara. Some might never realize that the "boy" isn't there anymore.