Who ya gonna call???

Janet called early this morning and apologized for not getting back yesterday. She said Dr. Meltzer reviewed the pictures I sent and that I should go back to putting Bacitracin only on the clitoris, but that everything else looked fine.

I was back at work today, but, luckily, only part time. I’m doing half days for the next week before I go back full-time. I will have to say that I kinda like being a slacker (especially while I’m getting paid...albeit I am recovering, though), and almost dread going back to work.

I don’t know if it’s that dread or what, but I’ve felt a little depressed lately. I don’t think it’s really due to SRS, but more to my body anxieties...that I will never be GG, or look normal, blah, blah, blah. And if I try to look more normal, that means pumping so much more money into implants, cheeks, lipo, fixing the jaw, hair transplants...and losing the muscle. I actually don’t mind too much muscle, I just wish it were a little less. I guess some of that will go down in time with HRT. This depression seems a lot lighter than the depression I felt after FFS, but I can still feel a little of it this time. I just tell myself that I'm going through a little depression and that with time, it will go away.

Some of it could be due to SRS, though, as I wait for things to completely heal. I haven’t started exercising, yet, as I’m waiting for the clitoris area to reach a state where I feel like getting out again. I’ve always been able to use exercising as a valuable stress buster in my past, and it’s hard when you can’t. So, I guess I’m stressed that I can’t go about my normal stress busting activity.

#5?

I talked to LaCrista from Dr. Meltzer's office this morning and ordered #5. She says it will ship today. I almost feel giddy and dread at the same time.....driddy???

I also talked to Janet late this evening. She said she would forward my photos on to Dr. Meltzer to see if anything needed to be done concerning my clitoris.

Yes...I am a slacker

Some people continue to ask how I’m doing and what type of super incredible revelations I’ve had. Funny thing is, I haven’t. Not that I’m really aware of, that is. I think I was able to dig through a lot of it before surgery such that I didn’t have to deal with anything afterward.

Actually, you want to know what one of the hardest things has been for me? Putting on socks and tying my shoes. The surgery has left me very rigid around the mid section. OK, not rigid, but inflexible. It’s hard to bend down to my feet while also bending my knee. It’s getting better, but I wouldn’t have survived had I not had my mom tying my shoes those first few times. Luckily, I also took along a few sandals so I just slid my foot in and out. That’s mainly what I wear now...or my house slippers. Occasionally, though, I have to put on shoes that have laces. I won’t say it’s hard, but it’s a little uncomfortable...still.

I think I’m going to be ready for #5 soon. I’ll probably talk to Dr. Meltzer’s office on Monday concerning my clitoris as well as order the #5. Looks like I will have to work on a name for it. I should go uber femme for it.

Speaking of dilating, I initially started out with jazz music to help relax and get in a dilating mood. After a while, though, I started watching the TV to keep me entertained while I dilated for my standard 30 minutes.

I watched the Incredibles the day it came out on DVD. After that, I finally dug out the Sci-Fi Channel’s miniseries, Taken, which I recorded way back in 2002. It’s a 10 part, 20 hour marathon that has kept me busy for the past 11 days during dilations. Tonight, I finally finished it off. Unfortunately, I was disappointed in the ending. Now I have to find something else to watch while dilating. I guess I have a few movies to watch...but at one movie a day, I’m going to need something else pretty soon. Luckily, I drop down to twice a day later this week. Since February was a short month, I figured I would continue the four times a day until Tuesday, instead of dropping down tomorrow, which will be one month of dilating.

It's been a long road

It’s funny how important events in our lives slowly fade into memories...distant dreams. Even SRS, an event I built up before, but realized wasn’t that big during it, is something that I’m mainly reminded about only when I think about it.

There are things that will probably remind me of it for a long time. And you know what, I don’t mind. It was a positive experience for me. Like a girl who finally has her period, some might say, “Kara, you are now a woman.” However one wants to put it, I feel very comfortable as me now.

Memories for me, though, are sometimes triggered by rather unique senses. When I was a child, I remember the smell of these particular flowers that were in the planters by the front door of my grandparent’s house. Every time I smell those flowers now, I’m reminded of their house and the times my family visited.

I’m reminded of my FFS journey whenever I visit Noe Valley, or see the front license plate on my car that was scraped in my mom’s little accident, or wear the black scarf that I bought at Mia’s Flower’s and Gifts just around the corner from Cocoon, or fix pancakes (since the first time I ever fixed them myself was in Cocoon).

I bought the candle to bring back from Arizona as an aromatic reminder, but there will probably be some other things that will remind me. Will I ever think of rubber duckies the same? Also, I created a little CD before the trip. I created one for Amber before hers last year, and based on her ‘weiner roast’ party’s name, Wangapalooza, I named the CD the same thing. So, this year’s CD was Wangapalooza Volume 2. Here’s the list of songs I put on it:

1. Where My Heart Will Take Me - variety
2. Just A Girl - No Doubt
3. I Can’t Tell The Boys From The Girls - Lester Flatt
4. Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
5. Sex Change - Snap-Her
6. Meant to Live - Switchfoot
7. The Change - Cledus T. Judd
8. The Reason - Hoobastank
9. When You’re a Tuesday Girl - The Tuesdays
10. 100 Years - Five For Fighting
11. Just Be A Woman - Lenny Kravitz
12. Hurt - Johnny Cash
13. Coin-Operated Boy - The Dresden Dolls
14. Welcome to My Life - Simple Plan
15. Everyday is a Winding Road - Sheryl Crow
16. Shooting Stars - Edwin McCain
17. Save Tonight - Eagle-Eye Cherry
18. Time To Move On - Tom Petty
19. This Is Your Life - Switchfoot

Some of these songs will definitely remind me of the experience. Some are just fun songs that I dug up which I will probably never hear again unless I play the CD. Some are very popular songs that just talk about the different things life throws at us and how we deal with them. I likened some to the pain and joys of dilation, one to the day of the week that I had the operation on, and some that speak about simply being a woman. One might ask why I have Save Tonight on the list. If you actually listen to the song and think of the singer singing from the perspective of a penis, it’s actually quite funny...and believe it or not, it was sort of a farewell/send-off song that actually got me to cry a few times before surgery. I will never think of that song the same way ever again.

I’ve been home for over 2 weeks now, but it seems like forever. Perhaps dilation has done that to me. I won’t know what to do with myself when I actually decrease to twice a day from the current four times a day.

Tonight, though, I was able to slide #4 in without warming up with #3. I’ll probably have to use #3 to initially warm up for a few more days until I can get #4 in by itself, but it was rather encouraging. I wonder if I’ll have to order #5 or not. I guess I’ll see how #4 goes.

I’m still kinda worried about my clitoris. It’s not looking black or anything, but the skin around it doesn’t seem to be healing that well compared to the rest of the incisions. In fact, most of the other ones are pretty much healed, even the slight tear in the bottom triangle area. I’m thinking about making an appointment with one of the local T docs or sending in a picture to Dr. Meltzer’s office....just to be sure things are going OK.

Helga

I tried #4 the past two days and it was quite tight. I’ve had #3 in at good depth lately and have been working #4 in when possible. I’m getting decent depth out of it as well, almost the full 6” to the edge of the labia, but it is really really tight. I basically have to lube it up at least twice during the session if I keep it in for any reasonable amount of time.

Surgery was a month ago today. Time has flown by so fast. Initially, I had planned on disability covering me for the first 4 weeks, although I had hoped they would cover me for the first month of dilation. They wouldn’t tell me how much they would cover me for, so I just went with the 4 weeks that HR said would most likely be covered. I also turned in the California state disability forms with this information. I figured I would simply take a week of vacation and then work half days from home, which would give me a total of 5.5 weeks following my first dilation before I physically returned to work. My boss was totally fine with this.

When I came home from Arizona, though, I found a letter from the disability provider saying they would now cover me for 5 weeks. Since I already had my plan into HR and had turned in my disability information to the state, I decided to just call in and tell them I was returning to work based on 4 weeks.

So, tomorrow, I am officially back to work....but I’m on vacation.

#3 at bat, #4 on deck

I used only the #3 today. It was a little rough getting it past the PC muscle at first, but after relaxing, I was able to get it in. I’ll probably start working #4 in to the lineup sometime in the next few days as #3 slides in easier.

Jigsaw puzzle

Janet called yesterday afternoon to see how I was doing. I told her things were going fairly well and that I hadn’t really had any problems. I told her I’d torn a little at the bottom, and that my clitoris was still spotting and still had a yellowish covering over the lower half. She said as long as it didn’t turn black I was doing ok.

“Are you still using the rubber ducky.”

“Actually, I don’t use it that often anymore.”

“Yeah, right,” she says in a very humorously sarcastic manner. Typically I’m the one that “yeah, right’s” someone, and it felt very weird to be the one on the receiving end. I told her I was serious, but I don’t think she believed me.

The clitoris continues to have a slight pain to it. It basically feels like someone squeezed my penis down into a very small area and there is a lot of pressure on it. It’s very weird because sometimes I can feel the penis shaft as though it has been tucked down between my legs and I can feel the head of the penis as though it has been squeezed down on where the shaft was originally located...which is basically the case for both. The weird part is feeling both of them at the same time because the sensation is now disjointed instead of being all in one continuous line.