Transgender Day of Remembrance 2008

This Thursday is Transgender Day of Remembrance. It's an annual event every November 20th where we honor those that have been killed over the past year due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice.

Gwen Smith used to run the primary vigil in San Francisco, but her activity has declined over the past few years. Worldwide activity still continues though, as evidenced at transgenderdor.org.

A friend of mine sent me a note about Stanford activites being planned for this Thursday. I know that Oakland and San Jose both have activities planned for this Thursday, while San Francisco is planning a Friday service. The Stanford activities work better for myself, so I'll be heading there to honor those that have fallen victim the past year.

Below are the Stanford activities:

I wanted to invite you to a "Year Ten" Day of Remembrance vigil we're organizing on the Stanford Campus. The vigil is scheduled to take place at the Papa New Guinea Sculpture Garden on campus on Thursday 730p, and there will be a mostly-student discussion taking place at the LGBT-CRC right before at 6p. We'll then walk over after the discussion (across the street) for the vigil.

The LGBT-CRC is on the Stanford Campus, and is on the second floor of the Firetruck house (433 Santa Teresa, Stanford, CA 94305).

This email is the first in a weeklong series to raise awareness about trans issues and the trans community. If you are interested in learning more, please come to our informal dinner discussion this Thursday 6pm at the LGBT center.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=36027283177

Since Thursday is Transgender Remembrance Day, as well as the 10th anniversary of Rita Hester, we will be having a vigil at 7:30 meeting at the LGBT center (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=36027283177)

Please forward widely to help us raise awareness and create a more understanding and safe space at Stanford for trans members of our community.

This campaign was organized with help from the Emma Goldman Society for Queer Liberation.

2am

There is something serene about driving across a bay bridge at 2 in the morning. The roads and bridges, built more for the heavy daytime traffic, become darkened dance floors lit by the spare sparkle of a passing headlight.

The cities of the bay exist in a luminescent line around the horizon, reflecting present day technology against the eternal waves below and the effervescent sky above. These roads, where solar navigation requires concentration, and aggravation and congestion run rampant, turn crowded chaos into perches of a beautiful, tranquil distant canvas.

And with light music playing, I almost didn't want the drive home to end, less the tired feeling of my eyes, of course.

I've always felt this internal peace at night. I don't know what it is. Perhaps I don't feel as alone when the sun is down. Sure, there are fewer people awake at that hour, but, of the people that are awake, I know there can be this common desolation that keeps us from being entirely alone.

Since the acceptance of my own path, I, and numerous others of the same heritage, share an ability to see beyond what others may see. In the past three and a half years I have been playing women's sports...ever since I recovered from SRS...I have met a number of women who push the gender boundary of male and female. I've met a few that often times are seen as men, even though they are still quite female. Are they still going through their own acceptance, or is this state between the genders who they are, or who they prefer to be? I don't know.

But, I now know that some of my inclinations are true.

I met one woman a few years ago. We played a few games together and I saw her a few times over the years. When I saw her Saturday night at an almost exclusively female event, she was no longer she.

His face was more masculine. Gone was the slight female hair cut. The proud straggles of hair growing from his chin were enough to announce his manhood to me. As I recognized him, I told him he was looking rather buff as I squeezed his bicep.

I still wasn't sure what his status was, but after he left our little smattering of teammates, I asked a friend. She said he was now going by a new name and that he was now going by "him" instead of "her".

I quickly caught up with him and gave him the affirmation that a lot of T's look for from friends.

It was kinda cute...he said he had to be himself. I so just wanted to pick him up and give him a big hug, but doing so probably would have hurt my back considering how buffed he is now.

But, really, I know I would have liked people to just affirm my situation and then basically go on with their lives. No big special deal, right? Just use the right name and pronouns, and be understanding.

Some might say I should tell him my own journey, but, in this case, does it really matter?

Most of our common friends and teammates seemed OK with all of it, although some might have hidden the news for a while...which is understandable in a way since it's really none of our business what he does in his life.

I ate brunch with a few of my teammates on Sunday, and we briefly talked about him. They all seemed OK with it, and, to be honest, I'm sure a few of them kinda saw the same thing I saw in him. It almost makes me debate whether or not to come out to my own teammates. I wonder how many of them would ever suspect my own prior journey.

I also wonder if I should come out to them as a courtesy and respect as teammates, and most importantly, as their friend. I have talked at numerous colleges now, and often times, people would want to know the past of their friends that have transitioned, mainly because they feel as friends, it would be something friends would share. The part I worry about are the students that don't raise their hands as to if they would want to know or not. I wonder if it bothers them, or if they just aren't paying attention in class.

I'm talking at a high school tomorrow morning, and now that Prop 8 likely won't be dominating the conversation, perhaps I'll be able to delve further into the mind of the non-trans to see what they are thinking.

I had such hope

I had the beginning of a really incredible blog entry started last night as I watched the election results come in showing Obama's overwhelming win. Tears started to well up in my eyes.

I watched Senator John McCain's very classy, very graceful concession speech. I watched Fox News somehow jump on the Obama bandwagon and go from being the Conservative Right, to healing somewhere in the middle. They saw America speak and they recognized the change ahead. I then watched Obama give basically an acceptance speech to the thousands of people that already knew the outcome before the day had started. Change was at hand.

And then.

Well, and then, I saw the results starting to pour in for Proposition 8...the Proposition that legislates hate...making gay people second class citizens. When I first saw the numbers, Proposition 8 was passing 53-47. I stayed up way too late last night watching the percentage of precincts increase up to nearly 50%.

I've been sick the past two days, and although I should have been at home getting some rest, I've been at work because of my heavily weighted portion of the project's schedule. And, perhaps because I am a little out of it, the fire within me feels...well, it feels like shit.

I thought we stood not on the verge of change, but that we saw the sun set on a time of segregation...of separatism...of inequality. And, yet, we haven't.

Proposition 8 passed 52% - 48% (95% of precincts are reporting). And if you look at the breakdown of the exit polls, it wasn't the white people, or Asian people, nor most of the Latino people that voted for Proposition 8. What percentage of people voted in favor of Proposition 8?

Black people.

I thought they had a dream. I thought we all had a dream. I thought, they, out of all the colors of our skins, would understand this election more than any other.

I was wrong.

I won't be cliche and say that I'm not a racist...but I believe in equality for all, no matter the color of our skins, the inabilities we face, the sexual orientations we have, the genders we are, or any other item that makes each of us unique.

I voted for Obama, not because he is Black, not because he is from Illinois, nor because he is married and has children. I voted for him because I thought he was the right candidate to be in office.

California had the chance to not only lead the way of change, but stand proud and say, "We are all equal. We can all have a dream."

But we didn't. We said that it is ok to discriminate based on sexual orientation. That separate, but equal, is still OK.

And it wasn't just California, it was Arizona, Arkansas, and Florida, not to mention the numerous states that have already legislated against gay people and gay people seeking to adopt children or have children via either artificial means.

The one sliver of hope I have, though, is in the youth of our nation. Those under 30 were overwhelmingly against Proposition 8...the only age bracket with a majority of people against the proposition. And they are the ones that can finally take this nation forward.

So, today, we may still live in a land of separatism, but we stand strong with the hope that one day, all of our dreams may come true.

Plausible Acceptance

It seems like every year when I get a flu shot and the nurse prepares to stick me with a needle, I get the usual line:

"You must work out."

"Yup."

There's no denying it, I do work out. Probably not as much as they may think, but the muscles are bigger than most women. That's just the way it is.

Plausible acceptance is what I call it now...saying "yes" to whatever their assumption is, unless that assumption isn't true, of course.

Please vote No on 8

The election is next week, and lately, it seems like more focus has been on Proposition 8 than anything else here in California. Proposition 8 was added to the ballot earlier this year, and is the usual strategy for the Religious Right.

What is the usual strategy?

Well, lately they have used gay marriage and a number of other hot issues to get Conservative voters out to the polls in order to get more of their own voters out. I believe it is one of the major strategies that helped Bush win both of his elections. Here in California, they are also using Proposition 4, which makes it mandatory for a parent to be notified before a girl under 18 can have an abortion. In principle, it sounds good, but what it doesn't cover is if the parent does not agree with the abortion or is abusive, which could lead a girl to get a back alley abortion if the Proposition passes. This is the third time it has been presented to California voters.

Proposition 8, though, redefines marriage as that between only one man and one woman. I say "redefines" because earlier this year, the California Supreme Court decided that the prior Proposition 22 was unconstitutional since it did not treat all Californians with the same rights...and that same sex marriages would be considered valid. Proposition 22 passed with 61% of the votes in 2000. Hopefully public opinion has changed a bit in the past 8 years, and to be honest, I think it has. It shows dramatically in the polls where things have been running pretty even for the past few months, with both sides pulling slightly ahead at different times. The airwaves have been flooded with commercials for both sides the past month.

Even on the LGBT panels I have participated in lately, Prop 8 has been a hot topic. Luckily, we have a gay minister active in one of our panel groups that has been a great resource. There are a lot of myths about gay marriage and marriage in general, and he has been able to dispel many of them on the panels we have attended. Prop 8 has been so hot, though, that many of our panels have not had the usual transgender focus that I've seen in the past. I don't mind, as the Prop 8 topic definitely deserves the attention.



Even a few coworkers have really gotten into the "No on 8" motion. One of them is a good friend who has treated me with a lot of respect the past few years before and after my transition. His sister in law is a lesbian, but honestly, I've never seen a straight guy with so much determination, and so much frustration with people that want to legislate discrimination into law.

That's pretty much what Proposition 8 is all about...preventing same sex marriages. What's so surprising is if you substituted "interracial marriage" for "same sex marriage" you see the same rhetoric used what...some 70 years ago to keep different races from marrying one another. What's even more surprising is there are still a lot of people that believe interracial marriage is wrong.

And, of course, if you watch the "Yes on 8" commercials, you see the version of fear and hate they are using to push their agenda. They almost believe that the world will end if Proposition 8 doesn't pass. Of course, we say some of the same things if it does pass.

Same sex marriage became legal back in June, and seriously, the world hasn't ended. There has been no Armageddon. No fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. No rivers and seas boiling. No dead rising from the grave. No human sacrifices. No mass hysteria. No dogs and cats living together. (Hmm...wait a sec.)

Seriously, though, if you listen to the Yes on 8ers, it's a lot of the same stuff.

"It will ruin the sanctity of marriage."

"It protects our children from being taught about gay marriage."

They also like to state that marriage is about a man and a woman for the purpose of raising children. So, if two people get married, and one of them can't have kids, does that mean their marriage is invalid?



There are too many flaws in their reasons, and basically it comes down to their religious belief and not accepting same sex marriages. What really bugs me is when I see people say they have "homosexual friends," and that they still won't be voting against Prop 8 because their "homosexual friends" will still have the same benefits as a civil union. It's amazing that it all comes down to the word "marriage". (I know I have run into a number of people that want to remove any article of marriage from the government and just let everyone have civil unions.) But, by making us "separate, but equal," means gay and lesbian people are being marginalized...that we are second class citizens...similar to how segregation existed after the Civil War until the Civil Rights movement eliminated it.

The reason Proposition 8 is so important, though, is that California does end up setting precedence for much of the future of the US. When things change, they usually change in California first...and they know that. That's why they are putting forth such a huge effort to remove legal same sex marriages. And I mean, the effort is so huge that this proposition has basically move from a state decision to a national decision...to possibly even a global decision. The future of same sex marriages for the next 30-50 years could be determined on Tuesday.

So, on Tuesday, please vote. And if you live in California, please vote No on 8. And if you know anyone in California, please ask them to vote No on 8, as well.

Karaoke

This past weekend, our softball team took home the championship trophy. Afterward, a lot of us decided to celebrate at a local bar.

This season, I was a half-timer, meaning I split the season with another girl, so we were basically called upon when needed. She's a lefty, and I'm a righty, and we can both pummel the ball to our own sides of the field.

I was usually available to play most weeks, but once in awhile, I wasn't available, and would mention it so we could schedule which weeks the two of us would show up. Of course, we also had male substitutes that played, too.

When I hurt my knee earlier this year, I mentioned to the team that I wouldn't be there for awhile. One of the substitute guys replied to me that he was torn...that he'll get to play since they need a few extra people to play, but the girl he has a crush on won't be there.

Now, if I read it right, he was saying he had a crush on me since I wasn't going to be there, but I really wasn't sure, so I responded to him asking which girl. He then says that perhaps his email wasn't clear, and that he had a crush on me.

OK, whoa.

This guy is pretty cute. He's about 5'9, in very nice shape, and 10 years my younger. (What is up with all the young people?)

The team gathered the previous weekend after a long day in a tournament. We got on the subject of music and a variety of different songs, and my fondness for alternative songs from the 90's...one of which was Mr. Jones.

So, this weekend, they have Karaoke going on and he wants me to pick a song to sing if he sings Mr. Jones.

"You did like Mr. Jones, right?"

So, I pick out a song that I like, not realizing how hard it would be to sing it, and sing it well, nor that it's not a really fun fun song to sing and have others sing along with you.

So, let's call him K. K says he'll actually go up and sing first.

And he does.

And he actually sang fairly well, and really got into the song.

And, well, I have to admit I was super turned on that he was kinda singing that song for me.

But he's my teammate!!!

...and if I come out to him, well, I could possibly kiss good-bye ever playing softball around this neck of the woods.

Sigh.

I already know that he likes me, for some reason or another. He's kinda known for being a partier, but he's getting close to 30 and you can see that he's no longer a kid. He seems pretty mature, and I haven't really seen him act immature or anything.

So, I get up there to sing, and things just did not feel right. A few chords into this difficult song to sing I start getting super paranoid and kinda freak out. The heart races and everything starts moving in slow motion...so I stop singing. I tell the karaoke dude that I am going to stop and kindly put the microphone back on the stand.

The karaoke guy is very kind and tells people that I was forced to do it and was super drunk...which I wasn't.

When I get back to my teammates, they ask what happened. I tell them I felt a bit off, the song was different than the one I am used to, and made up some other lame excuses. Seriously, though, what was I going to tell them?

"Well, you see, I'm a transsexual, and although I can speak with a fairly decent female voice, getting in front of a bunch of non-T people to sing really freaked me out since I can't really sing that well with a female voice and I was afraid all of you would hear me sound like a guy or something..."

But, I didn't say that, of course.

They said I didn't sound that bad, and that they could barely hear me...so some of it was probably just in my head, but I already know that. Most of it was caused by my own paranoia.

So, what went from a super cool version of Mr. Jones ended with my sorry ass up on stage chickening out. Maybe K won't be so into me now, and I don't have to ever worry about coming out to him.

Sigh.

The Missing Link

I saw this in my usual Google search today and my initial reaction was "Wow".

Transsexual Study Reveals Genetic Link (and another.)

Seriously. Wow.

Part of me wants to celebrate at the validation, but a part of me is also cautious.

The part that celebrates the validation sees family, friends, and coworkers that can look at these results and perhaps not think that transgender people are mentally incapacitated...that we aren't freaks...that this isn't a choice...and that it's not a lifestyle decision.

"Hey, baby, see my androgen receptor genes....that's just the way I am. Get the fuck over it and treat me with a little respect!!!"

Sorry. Built up rage, ya know?

The cautious part wonders what this means for the long term. Will there be a test for this, prognosis of some sort, and treatments? If an embryo or fetus is tested for androgen receptor length, and given a high likelihood of being born transgender, is there something done while the mother is still pregnant? Do we correct this? Is the pregnancy aborted? Or do we deal with it down the line when the child may or may not develop further along the female gender identity? It kinda brings up the whole Gattaca thing again, something a number of people have cautiously reviewed as our knowledge of genetics moves further and further into the terabytes of data from one single strand of DNA.

And then there is the whole idea of being personally tested. If the results ring true, then it's something to pass around for even further validation.

"See? I'm not so crazy after all, huh? Looks like I made the best decision after all."

But, it has been hypothesized that transsexualism is not due to one explicit reason. Many consider that there are a variety of reasons that cause transsexualism. So, what happens if the personal test shows negative for the androgen receptor genes? Does this invalidate my own journey?

The testing, though, only provides a partial correlation. Genetic males with no gender identity issues show the longer receptors 50% of the time, while transsexual women have the markers 55% of the time. It shows a correlation, but it also shows that more testing is needed to find other areas of interest.

It is highly likely that there could be multiple genetic reasons for transsexualism, as well as multiple non-genetic reasons. And what we term transsexualism could be covering numerous genetic differences. Genetics and statistics are interesting. If something either is or isn't, it becomes a matter of statistical logic. Some people state that transsexualism is prevalent in approximately 1 out of every 1000-2000 people. It's interesting that multiples of 2 move in such order...1/2, 1/4, 1/8...up to 1/1024, 1/2048. This is around the powers of 8-9 range when we reach 1000-2000. What if there were 8 or 9 genetic markers that ended up leading to genetic gender identities opposite the X and Y in our genes. Of course, if it were so limited, then you'd see a higher percentage than 55% mentioned in the report, but it still lends a strong possibility that genetics can be possible for transsexualism.

As I brought up before, I'm participating in Kaiser's genetic research, but I wonder if they will ever tackle such an issue.

Part of me wants to know, and part of me doesn't. I seriously would love to see that I do have the longer androgen receptor genes. But, if I didn't have them, would it cause me to ponder my own validation, even though I feel very secure being me? For now though, it will be interesting to keep an eye on their research to see what else they dig up.

My bet is this is only the tip of the genetic iceberg.