Face Trans-plants

The first US face transplant occurred earlier this week. I was on the road at a vendor so I caught this and a few related stories via the radio. One interesting interview came up discussing the psychological impact of obtaining a new face. She wouldn't look like the donor, but she also wouldn't look like her old self...she'd be more of a blend of the two. They pondered how the recipient of the new face would deal with her new identity.

Sound familiar?

I've seen a few FFS patients struggle with the identity issue following FFS...and, I've seen some people totally embrace their new face. I wouldn't call this "identity absorption factor" a measure of how T we are, but maybe it deals with how far each of us has either prepared, witnessed ahead of time, or thought about what we are going through.

I mean, look at it on a larger scale...by the book, I needed to see my therapist for at least 3 months before she would prescribe hormones. I "needed" to live part-time in order to get used to going full-time, and of course, I needed to live full-time for a year before having SRS. I also needed 2 letters from certified therapists/psychologists in order to obtain SRS.

But for FFS, all I needed was enough money to pay for the surgery. There was no letter, no amount of time spent living full-time or part-time...just money.

Am I one for gatekeepers? No. I don't think therapists should be considered gatekeepers, but more like keymasters. They are there to help us open the doors ahead of us, not hold us back. They should be there to help transitioners ensure they are prepared for what lies ahead and how to deal with all of the motions and emotions that comes with transition. I'm not proposing we have therapists issue letters approving FFS for transitioners, but it would be nice if FFS surgeons did ensure their patients had at least discussed the psychological issues of FFS with someone. Sure, most people totally love their face after FFS, but there are still some that struggle with their new identity.

When I first woke up from FFS, one of the first things I did was to feel my new forehead...because I really wanted to confirm that the male brow ridge was finally gone. My face would no longer look male, but would now appear female.

Out of everything I have gone through, I would say that FFS has been the most life changing. Our faces really help say so much about who we are in terms of how other people see us and how that perception helps us to interact in the world.

I'd say one of the harder things I had to deal with on FFS was how many people thought I didn't need it or didn't need it on certain features...that I looked fine. Some of the people who pondered my actions probably didn't know what to expect with the results with some trying to sort of talk me out of that procedure.

Claire, an old friend, recently visited San Francisco and just happened to have old photos of myself that were shared with a few residents of the Cocoon House. It's an ugly reminder of just how bad things were back then. Yeah, FFS drastically improved the quality of my life and I'm totally glad I had the procedures that were performed. (On a side note, I recently heard that Dr. O will be retiring in about 2 years.)

Some of the same issues came up for the face transplant recipient. Was it OK for the patient to have life threatening surgery just for quality of life? It's really interesting listening to the justification for the face transplant surgery. Here is a quote from one of the interviews on the ABC link:

"Even though we say it is only for quality of life, for someone with severe facial deformity it is almost impossible to live your life as we all do."

Hmmmmm.....

For those that say the face transplant recipient shouldn't risk the surgery, perhaps they should ask themselves how they themselves would live the rest of their life without a nose or most of the middle of their face, not be able to breath through anything resembling a mouth, or to not have lower eyelids. They simply cannot imagine what this woman has gone through. If she decided to partake in this surgery, I say good for her. I hope she has the support of her family, and access to the psychological resources to deal with this trying, yet exciting time of her life.

0 for 2

I play fantasy football. I have now, for like 15 years. It's fun since I can watch other games besides the Packers and still root for different players. I also enjoy the social aspect of the draft, when you can pick who you want on your team, and also rib others for their selections.

For probably every season I have played, I have always had a Packer player on my team...even back to the beginning when I grabbed this young pup named Brett Favre.

When I watched Brett play on Sunday, there was still the same sporty vigor ever present, but you could tell he is still feeling the slow tolling of age. I enjoyed watching the game with my friend, especially since she has season tickets 3 rows from the field. It was too bad, though, that while I was up buying garlic fries, that the Jets marched down the field and Brett eventually scored a rare rushing touchdown. Other than that, though, the Jets, and Brett, didn't have that good a day.

In my fantasy league, I just had to win one of my doubleheader games to move into the playoffs. Losing both games would also almost definitely spell any chance I had at walking away with not only money, but bragging rights with the girls and guys in my league.

And, of course, I went 0 for 2.

It's probably best, though, as I got very lucky this season. My total points were well below the other teams with the same record, and my points against were far below anyone else in the league. Seriously, I got very lucky.

For the past few weeks, I have known that two other things were coming, one of which was my mom obtaining the latest test results on her cancer today.

I had also heard rumors over the past week or two that job layoffs were expected. When I analyzed the conference room schedule for this week, I found an alarming amount of rooms booked by building admins for a good portion of today with the simple title of "Training".

Thus, my odds were on today. I just hoped that I didn't go 0 for 2.

My mom called me right before I headed off to work. The prognosis...partial remission and they were continuing her treatments, with the planned procedure to take place in February. Good news. Well, better than hearing the current treatments weren't working.

On to work.

Once I arrived, I walked past the meeting room where the "training" was supposed to be occurring, and it looked awkwardly conspicuous. After I made it to my desk, my boss says that he walked by the meeting rooms I noticed, and that HR was in there talking to people.

Sure enough, layoffs were in full swing.

Yesterday, my boss indicated that our group was being taken to lunch today. I wasn't sure if was because our schedules are sporadic the next few weeks with the holidays, or because of the layoffs, but either way, it was a free lunch.

Once seated at the restaurant, he said our group was fine, but others were still being notified. While I breathed a sigh of relief, I also have issues with survivor guilt. I've already had to shake hands with one guy who sat right near me who was released. He seemed like a nice guy, and it's unfortunate it happened to him.

Last night when I went to bed, I worried if I would have trouble sleeping due to what was expected today. Luckily, I was tired enough that it really didn't matter.

I've gotten some decent marks over the past year on a few different projects, so, while I wasn't too worried about work, there was still the possibility in the back of my mind that I would have to deal with it on some scale or another. And, I mean, I'm just waiting for the day when someone has a huge issue with working with a transsexual...but so far, that just hasn't happened. Sure, people have told me that they weren't sure about working with me, but afterward, they gave me excellent marks...and obviously felt comfortable enough to tell me their feelings.

There has been some of the same emotions with my mom. Obviously they wouldn't tell us that everything was fine and she was free to just go back to her regular living. She still has treatments, and the procedure in February, and a long way to go before she is considered cancer free. She is still managing through her treatments, though, and trying to keep a positive attitude.

Thus, for today, I went 2 for 2, on a bunt-single and a double, enough to keep me in the lineup for the games to come.

Transgender Day of Remembrance 2008

This Thursday is Transgender Day of Remembrance. It's an annual event every November 20th where we honor those that have been killed over the past year due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice.

Gwen Smith used to run the primary vigil in San Francisco, but her activity has declined over the past few years. Worldwide activity still continues though, as evidenced at transgenderdor.org.

A friend of mine sent me a note about Stanford activites being planned for this Thursday. I know that Oakland and San Jose both have activities planned for this Thursday, while San Francisco is planning a Friday service. The Stanford activities work better for myself, so I'll be heading there to honor those that have fallen victim the past year.

Below are the Stanford activities:

I wanted to invite you to a "Year Ten" Day of Remembrance vigil we're organizing on the Stanford Campus. The vigil is scheduled to take place at the Papa New Guinea Sculpture Garden on campus on Thursday 730p, and there will be a mostly-student discussion taking place at the LGBT-CRC right before at 6p. We'll then walk over after the discussion (across the street) for the vigil.

The LGBT-CRC is on the Stanford Campus, and is on the second floor of the Firetruck house (433 Santa Teresa, Stanford, CA 94305).

This email is the first in a weeklong series to raise awareness about trans issues and the trans community. If you are interested in learning more, please come to our informal dinner discussion this Thursday 6pm at the LGBT center.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=36027283177

Since Thursday is Transgender Remembrance Day, as well as the 10th anniversary of Rita Hester, we will be having a vigil at 7:30 meeting at the LGBT center (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=36027283177)

Please forward widely to help us raise awareness and create a more understanding and safe space at Stanford for trans members of our community.

This campaign was organized with help from the Emma Goldman Society for Queer Liberation.

2am

There is something serene about driving across a bay bridge at 2 in the morning. The roads and bridges, built more for the heavy daytime traffic, become darkened dance floors lit by the spare sparkle of a passing headlight.

The cities of the bay exist in a luminescent line around the horizon, reflecting present day technology against the eternal waves below and the effervescent sky above. These roads, where solar navigation requires concentration, and aggravation and congestion run rampant, turn crowded chaos into perches of a beautiful, tranquil distant canvas.

And with light music playing, I almost didn't want the drive home to end, less the tired feeling of my eyes, of course.

I've always felt this internal peace at night. I don't know what it is. Perhaps I don't feel as alone when the sun is down. Sure, there are fewer people awake at that hour, but, of the people that are awake, I know there can be this common desolation that keeps us from being entirely alone.

Since the acceptance of my own path, I, and numerous others of the same heritage, share an ability to see beyond what others may see. In the past three and a half years I have been playing women's sports...ever since I recovered from SRS...I have met a number of women who push the gender boundary of male and female. I've met a few that often times are seen as men, even though they are still quite female. Are they still going through their own acceptance, or is this state between the genders who they are, or who they prefer to be? I don't know.

But, I now know that some of my inclinations are true.

I met one woman a few years ago. We played a few games together and I saw her a few times over the years. When I saw her Saturday night at an almost exclusively female event, she was no longer she.

His face was more masculine. Gone was the slight female hair cut. The proud straggles of hair growing from his chin were enough to announce his manhood to me. As I recognized him, I told him he was looking rather buff as I squeezed his bicep.

I still wasn't sure what his status was, but after he left our little smattering of teammates, I asked a friend. She said he was now going by a new name and that he was now going by "him" instead of "her".

I quickly caught up with him and gave him the affirmation that a lot of T's look for from friends.

It was kinda cute...he said he had to be himself. I so just wanted to pick him up and give him a big hug, but doing so probably would have hurt my back considering how buffed he is now.

But, really, I know I would have liked people to just affirm my situation and then basically go on with their lives. No big special deal, right? Just use the right name and pronouns, and be understanding.

Some might say I should tell him my own journey, but, in this case, does it really matter?

Most of our common friends and teammates seemed OK with all of it, although some might have hidden the news for a while...which is understandable in a way since it's really none of our business what he does in his life.

I ate brunch with a few of my teammates on Sunday, and we briefly talked about him. They all seemed OK with it, and, to be honest, I'm sure a few of them kinda saw the same thing I saw in him. It almost makes me debate whether or not to come out to my own teammates. I wonder how many of them would ever suspect my own prior journey.

I also wonder if I should come out to them as a courtesy and respect as teammates, and most importantly, as their friend. I have talked at numerous colleges now, and often times, people would want to know the past of their friends that have transitioned, mainly because they feel as friends, it would be something friends would share. The part I worry about are the students that don't raise their hands as to if they would want to know or not. I wonder if it bothers them, or if they just aren't paying attention in class.

I'm talking at a high school tomorrow morning, and now that Prop 8 likely won't be dominating the conversation, perhaps I'll be able to delve further into the mind of the non-trans to see what they are thinking.

I had such hope

I had the beginning of a really incredible blog entry started last night as I watched the election results come in showing Obama's overwhelming win. Tears started to well up in my eyes.

I watched Senator John McCain's very classy, very graceful concession speech. I watched Fox News somehow jump on the Obama bandwagon and go from being the Conservative Right, to healing somewhere in the middle. They saw America speak and they recognized the change ahead. I then watched Obama give basically an acceptance speech to the thousands of people that already knew the outcome before the day had started. Change was at hand.

And then.

Well, and then, I saw the results starting to pour in for Proposition 8...the Proposition that legislates hate...making gay people second class citizens. When I first saw the numbers, Proposition 8 was passing 53-47. I stayed up way too late last night watching the percentage of precincts increase up to nearly 50%.

I've been sick the past two days, and although I should have been at home getting some rest, I've been at work because of my heavily weighted portion of the project's schedule. And, perhaps because I am a little out of it, the fire within me feels...well, it feels like shit.

I thought we stood not on the verge of change, but that we saw the sun set on a time of segregation...of separatism...of inequality. And, yet, we haven't.

Proposition 8 passed 52% - 48% (95% of precincts are reporting). And if you look at the breakdown of the exit polls, it wasn't the white people, or Asian people, nor most of the Latino people that voted for Proposition 8. What percentage of people voted in favor of Proposition 8?

Black people.

I thought they had a dream. I thought we all had a dream. I thought, they, out of all the colors of our skins, would understand this election more than any other.

I was wrong.

I won't be cliche and say that I'm not a racist...but I believe in equality for all, no matter the color of our skins, the inabilities we face, the sexual orientations we have, the genders we are, or any other item that makes each of us unique.

I voted for Obama, not because he is Black, not because he is from Illinois, nor because he is married and has children. I voted for him because I thought he was the right candidate to be in office.

California had the chance to not only lead the way of change, but stand proud and say, "We are all equal. We can all have a dream."

But we didn't. We said that it is ok to discriminate based on sexual orientation. That separate, but equal, is still OK.

And it wasn't just California, it was Arizona, Arkansas, and Florida, not to mention the numerous states that have already legislated against gay people and gay people seeking to adopt children or have children via either artificial means.

The one sliver of hope I have, though, is in the youth of our nation. Those under 30 were overwhelmingly against Proposition 8...the only age bracket with a majority of people against the proposition. And they are the ones that can finally take this nation forward.

So, today, we may still live in a land of separatism, but we stand strong with the hope that one day, all of our dreams may come true.

Plausible Acceptance

It seems like every year when I get a flu shot and the nurse prepares to stick me with a needle, I get the usual line:

"You must work out."

"Yup."

There's no denying it, I do work out. Probably not as much as they may think, but the muscles are bigger than most women. That's just the way it is.

Plausible acceptance is what I call it now...saying "yes" to whatever their assumption is, unless that assumption isn't true, of course.

Please vote No on 8

The election is next week, and lately, it seems like more focus has been on Proposition 8 than anything else here in California. Proposition 8 was added to the ballot earlier this year, and is the usual strategy for the Religious Right.

What is the usual strategy?

Well, lately they have used gay marriage and a number of other hot issues to get Conservative voters out to the polls in order to get more of their own voters out. I believe it is one of the major strategies that helped Bush win both of his elections. Here in California, they are also using Proposition 4, which makes it mandatory for a parent to be notified before a girl under 18 can have an abortion. In principle, it sounds good, but what it doesn't cover is if the parent does not agree with the abortion or is abusive, which could lead a girl to get a back alley abortion if the Proposition passes. This is the third time it has been presented to California voters.

Proposition 8, though, redefines marriage as that between only one man and one woman. I say "redefines" because earlier this year, the California Supreme Court decided that the prior Proposition 22 was unconstitutional since it did not treat all Californians with the same rights...and that same sex marriages would be considered valid. Proposition 22 passed with 61% of the votes in 2000. Hopefully public opinion has changed a bit in the past 8 years, and to be honest, I think it has. It shows dramatically in the polls where things have been running pretty even for the past few months, with both sides pulling slightly ahead at different times. The airwaves have been flooded with commercials for both sides the past month.

Even on the LGBT panels I have participated in lately, Prop 8 has been a hot topic. Luckily, we have a gay minister active in one of our panel groups that has been a great resource. There are a lot of myths about gay marriage and marriage in general, and he has been able to dispel many of them on the panels we have attended. Prop 8 has been so hot, though, that many of our panels have not had the usual transgender focus that I've seen in the past. I don't mind, as the Prop 8 topic definitely deserves the attention.



Even a few coworkers have really gotten into the "No on 8" motion. One of them is a good friend who has treated me with a lot of respect the past few years before and after my transition. His sister in law is a lesbian, but honestly, I've never seen a straight guy with so much determination, and so much frustration with people that want to legislate discrimination into law.

That's pretty much what Proposition 8 is all about...preventing same sex marriages. What's so surprising is if you substituted "interracial marriage" for "same sex marriage" you see the same rhetoric used what...some 70 years ago to keep different races from marrying one another. What's even more surprising is there are still a lot of people that believe interracial marriage is wrong.

And, of course, if you watch the "Yes on 8" commercials, you see the version of fear and hate they are using to push their agenda. They almost believe that the world will end if Proposition 8 doesn't pass. Of course, we say some of the same things if it does pass.

Same sex marriage became legal back in June, and seriously, the world hasn't ended. There has been no Armageddon. No fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. No rivers and seas boiling. No dead rising from the grave. No human sacrifices. No mass hysteria. No dogs and cats living together. (Hmm...wait a sec.)

Seriously, though, if you listen to the Yes on 8ers, it's a lot of the same stuff.

"It will ruin the sanctity of marriage."

"It protects our children from being taught about gay marriage."

They also like to state that marriage is about a man and a woman for the purpose of raising children. So, if two people get married, and one of them can't have kids, does that mean their marriage is invalid?



There are too many flaws in their reasons, and basically it comes down to their religious belief and not accepting same sex marriages. What really bugs me is when I see people say they have "homosexual friends," and that they still won't be voting against Prop 8 because their "homosexual friends" will still have the same benefits as a civil union. It's amazing that it all comes down to the word "marriage". (I know I have run into a number of people that want to remove any article of marriage from the government and just let everyone have civil unions.) But, by making us "separate, but equal," means gay and lesbian people are being marginalized...that we are second class citizens...similar to how segregation existed after the Civil War until the Civil Rights movement eliminated it.

The reason Proposition 8 is so important, though, is that California does end up setting precedence for much of the future of the US. When things change, they usually change in California first...and they know that. That's why they are putting forth such a huge effort to remove legal same sex marriages. And I mean, the effort is so huge that this proposition has basically move from a state decision to a national decision...to possibly even a global decision. The future of same sex marriages for the next 30-50 years could be determined on Tuesday.

So, on Tuesday, please vote. And if you live in California, please vote No on 8. And if you know anyone in California, please ask them to vote No on 8, as well.