A new Kara on the scene

I saw her on TV and totally fell in love.

She ran across my screen and dashed into my heart. Her name is Kara Goucher and she placed 3rd in today's Boston Marathon.

And she's hot.

Don't be surprised if you see her name a little more often now.

I totally forgot that today was the Boston Marathon, but I caught the highlights tonight on the news. Today was also the 10th anniversary of Columbine. I happened to be sick that day and spent the entire day on the couch in my pajamas watching the affair unfold on live TV. It was such a tragic event.

Another year, I found myself at home with food poisoning, and yet again curled up on the couch watching TV. I think it was the only time I have been able to watch almost the entire Boston Marathon. Before moving to California, I used to race home for lunch just to watch the winners cross the finish line. The three hour time difference has prevented that from happening since.

Perhaps that will change now that America has a new gal to root for.

Of course, she broke my heart when I saw the big rock on her finger...but I totally understand the emotions she is going through right after the race.

She came so close to winning, and was right there to see the winners just ahead of her. I'll still be rooting for her in the future...even if she does like guys.

2009 Transgender Leadership Conference

I have attended a variety of different conferences throughout my life. The first one on my own was the Hugh O’Brien Leadership Conference when I was between my sophomore and junior year. I was the only representative for my high school. A girl from the grade ahead of me who had attended the previous year was one of the counselors. She and I had also kinda dated on and off for a while. I’ll admit, I went in unsure of what I was doing there. I wasn’t sure what to expect at the conference, either.

The following year, I went to Missouri’s Boy’s State...a political model acted out by high school males. I would equate it to a conference on who had the larger penis, without the mess of getting naked, nor the act of violence.. I was one of two from my high school who participated, and perhaps that experience alone made me realize I had no business in politics. Also, I was the lamb thrown in with the lions, a girl amongst a tidal wave of testosterone. I did have fun with the sports we participated in there, though, and I met a lot of new people. Upon reflection, I remember one feminine quiet guy...I wonder what happened to him.

I was never aggressive as a kid. I was the one in study hall that actually studied, ran off to the library, or slept. OK, I ran off to the library more than anything. Instead of study hall, it should have been called Library Hour. I’m sure in one of my trips to the library, I wandered through the forty-pound dictionary and found the word transsexual. I probably put it in the same vault as fairies and leprechauns. No one would ever change sexes.

And, yet, some twenty odd years later, I attended the 2009 Transgender Leadership Conference. Last year was my first time, which happened to be local to me in Berkeley. This year, San Diego played host. Luckily for me, I have family in San Diego...and was able hang out with them a bit. My uncle, who is only 10 years older than me, his wife, a mere 3-4 years older than me, and their son, my cousin, who is headed off to college later this year, are a total blast to hang out with.

I flew in Friday morning and caught up with my aunt and uncle. I was able to chat one on one with them while the other was off at their appropriate appointments that day. It was actually really nice being able to just chill with them. When my little cousin got home from school, he, my uncle, and I jammed on Rock Band for a few sessions. OK, I just tried to stay up on Medium while both of them rocked out on Expert.

After bringing down the house, I headed over to UC San Diego for the Friday introduction to the conference. I met up with Ally, Lisa, and Bonnie, who all drove down from San Francisco. I saw a number of other familiar faces, as well, along with a lot of new faces.

Saturday started off with the first main plenary, as Masen Davis provided the first look at their transgender survey results (summary available here). It’s incredible data, and I hope TLC will move forward with gathering more info. There are some very obvious results, and some shocking ones, as well.

The first class sessions started shortly after the morning plenary. A number of us from TGSF headed off to the Lobby 101 session in what looked to be one of the better classes for the first time slot. It turned out so well, I came back for the second class after lunch.

I bounced around a few classes during the third time slot until I found the Beyond Jerry Springer session. It was entertaining, and actually led to some interesting discussions about how transgender people are portrayed on the screen.

Mara Keisling and Ms. Major delivered the evening plenary, which contained some very lively vocabulary. Mara has to be one of my favorite speakers at both leadership conferences I have attended. While she gives a great update on the current affairs in DC, she is also very entertaining.

Mara (not pronounced like Kara) told us that Alzheimers runs in her family. From what it sounds like, Mara’s sister is also a good kidder...just like Mara. Her sister joked that Mara’s future included her screaming “I want to transition” and “Who stole my penis?” I have to admit, I totally laughed my ass off.

After that plenary, a number of us were off to the Transgender Law Center’s fundraiser and then over to the San Diego LGBT Center for the night activities. My aunt and uncle were in the area, so I was lucky enough to have them drop by so I could introduce them to a lot of my friends, and my friends to them. I then jaunted off with them for a little dancing at a spot in the very posh La Jolla downtown.

Since I’m not religious, I skipped the early Sunday morning plenary focused on religion, but caught the final plenary which included San Francisco local, Cecilia Chung. I consider her one of my big trans-sisters, especially with how active she is here in the Bay Area.

Over the weekend, I’ll admit that I ran into a number of people that I was attracted to. There was a guy in the Lobbying 101 session who I thought might be pre-transition, but he turned out to be a recently transitioned FTM...and probably a bit too young.

And then there was this guy I saw at the LGBT Center. Cute, tallish...well, taller than me, and nicely built. I asked one guy who he was, and got a name. Later, I introduced myself and we chatted briefly. The guy who I initially asked later came up to me and asked if he wanted him to introduce me, and I told him I already took care of it.

I ended up introducing myself to a lot of new people at the conference, and found it was a great way to network and meet new people. It's amazing how easy it is now to just walk up, say hi, introduce myself...and get a conversation going.

I ran into the guy again Sunday morning, and he told me he had been looking around for me. Ahhh...so cute. It was unfortunate that we met so late into the weekend. In fact, we were basically the last two to leave as we wandered off to our separate vehicles after chatting for almost an hour.

I caught an early dinner with my relatives before almost missing my plane home. I even saw a number of leadership conference attendees on the flight home.

So, what about the guy, huh? Well, we’re still chatting here and there, but since he is in San Diego and I am in San Francisco, it makes it kinda hard. But who knows, our circles overlap here and there.

Gender Diversity of a different degree

A week and a half ago, I was at the San Jose Coronation. I hung out with the usual crowd of Ally, Lisa, and Carol. During the evening, Ally and I talked a bit...especially about the crowd and our observations.

The two girls that won Co-Empress of San Jose are fairly femme. They look fabulous as seen in this photo, and, well, they seem to have a slightly different gender expression than your typical drag queen. There were also a few others in the crowd that showed slightly different drag qualities, and more regular femme qualities.

Ally called it gender diversity.

I like it. I mean, it seems like a person would be very secure with themselves to even present with gender diversity.

What is gender diversity? It's kinda hard to explain, but there are fairly distinct qualities to being a drag queen or a gay man. Drag queens in themselves have gender diversity, but there are some that do drag quite well such that the dramatized quality of it is almost absent, and a more femme quality is present. I suppose this could also be said of drag kings.

Anyway, this gender diversity deals more with a person expressing a security around different gender presentations.

As Ally and I conversed further, we talked about a number of people that expressed gender diversity. Most often, we noticed that there are some gay boys that show this quality. A few seem fairly comfortable and quite natural as women, but they are also quite comfortable being gay men. Well, they seem to be.

Perhaps it is a stage toward self acceptance, or perhaps it is just a variety of gender that does not need labels...other than to say some people are more gender diverse than others.

More women playing men

Today's movie news:

'Twilight' Star Nikki Reed To Play Transgender Woman In 'K-11'

Sigh...two more women playing men playing women.

It seems like basic knowledge that a transsexual would probably play a transsexual best. Instead, it looks like they will have a pair of attractive women playing the down and out transsexuals.

If you look back at movie history, you rarely see men playing very passable transsexuals. They always throw women in the role if they are looking for the shocking "she was born a man" scenario. It happened in Ace Ventura, and Nip/Tuck, and TransAmerica. When a man plays the role, it seems like it's more for slapstick or chills...Tootsie, Silence of the Lambs, To Wong Fu, Dressed to Kill, etc. The only one that kinda falls out of that is The Crying Game...where a man did a pretty decent job of playing a MTF transsexual, and perhaps Boys Don't Cry...where a woman played a woman becoming a man. OK, OK, they did a decent job with TransAmerica. I've heard rumors about Southern Comfort, but haven't seen anything further on it.

Anyway, I wonder when we will finally see a transsexual in a major film role.

Attraction to the Q

In my past few dating experiences, I have dated people that were fairly oblivious to the T. While the few people I did date were attracted to me, they also felt a bit of standoffishness in me. I'll admit, I did this in order for them not to get too close before I disclosed to them, and to see if I deemed them worthy of the knowledge.

Two of the girls I dated pretty much just wanted sex. The guy most likely wanted a little more.

I know that I want more than sex. Way more.

But, I'm also aware that I'm not letting people close enough to me to see much other than my sexual worthiness.

Yet, when I meet someone that is T or genderqueer, or someone that knows that I am T...and still attracted to me, that standoffishness disappears. Am I attracted only to queer people? Are they the only ones that I will give a chance?

Or am I afraid of getting my head bashed in? Am I afraid of being a name read off on November 20th? Am I afraid of letting anyone in close enough?

If I let someone in close and leave the T stuff by the wayside...and then they find out my history, I don't want that person feeling so betrayed or whatnot, that they decide to take that anger out on my skull.

I like my skull.

And, sometimes I wonder that if a "straight" is OK with my situation, is he or she then treating me as more of a sexual fantasy? Most of the men that visit Diva's are looking for sex, obviously, and there are a section of that male population that objectifies transsexuals, especially those T's that still have a penis.

I don't want to be an object.

Just yesterday, a guy pinged me on facebook, and was all of a sudden wanting to cam and stuff.

"You are shemale?"

"Nope."

- delete friend -

I don't need it, and I won't stand for it. I'm a person...we're all people...and we don't have to stand for that shit.

But it's a double-edged sword. There are some really nice people who like me for me, and I'd hate to keep them at an arm's length simply because I like my skull and don't want to feel like an object.

The 3rd date

So, I went out a few more times with this guy...let's call him R. I took Charlotte's advice, and didn't let him in on the T stuff on date #2. During our dinner date, the topic of kids came up. I asked him if he was interested in having kids, and he said yes. I told him I couldn't have kids. When he asked why and if it was biological...I said yes.

I mentioned some of this on a forum, and someone wondered if that was too much information for the second date. It could be, but it was my way of working up to the T stuff...the consequential baby steps of dating a transsexual, right?

We set up a third date at a local billiards place, and planned to grab some dinner, too. After beating him at two games of pool, we grabbed some eats. Somehow we got on the topic of sex and gender.

I forget exactly how the conversation went, but I think he asked me more about being queer and what that entailed. I told him that I had many different and complicated attractions.

I'm physically attracted to women. I'm sexually attracted to men. I'm intimately drawn to women. I'm attracted to the completion that a man provides.

Physically, women are very pretty. Their curves are very attractive, their hair is very beautiful, their skin is soft and smooth, their eyes and faces draw you in, and their figure...legs, waist, hips, ass...well, they are all very alluring.

A man in some type of decent physical shape is hot. Men are strong, muscular, and rough...and, well, when I fantasize about having sex with someone, I usually fantasize about having sex with a guy. Male/female sex is fairly attractive to me...

...but so is female/female intimacy. What is the difference? Well, while I would prefer to have sex with a guy, I'd rather be intimate with a woman. I could probably have foreplay all night long with a woman, and never have sex. I'm also a fan of body grinding or a tribbing variation, so, whatever works.

Although I will admit that female/female intimacy is incredible, there is also a fantastic feeling of completion by having sex with a man. The man's masculinity reinforces my own femininity...and the more masculine he is, the more feminine I can feel.

So, while were chatting, and even in our previous dates, he had mentioned his attraction to me...but to be honest, I didn't sense a spark from my side at all. I did want to give him a chance, though, and see if I saw anything in him that I would be attracted to. While he is definitely a masculine guy, the masculine features that I look for in a guy just weren't that strong.

Perhaps I was setting the relationship up to fail...I don't know.

I don't remember what exactly led up to my disclosure, but before I told him, I delayed for a few seconds. He leaned in to kiss me. I moved away.

He said that whatever I had to say wouldn't change the fact that he wanted to kiss me.

"It might."

And, so, I laid out the circumstances of my history and let him know that I was a transsexual. He took it OK.

But guys are weird...if you let them in on something sexual, they always seem to take it a little too far. Before I disclosed to him, somehow he let me know that he had watched T porn in the past, but didn't reach climax.

We had breakfast last weekend...after he knew my history. He had sensed my standoffishness before the disclosure, and he knew something was kinda up. He also told me he had googled a bunch of stuff on SRS and realized there were limitations. He told me he had a rather big penis...about 2" wide. My largest dilator is 1.5" in diameter, and it's pretty hard to get in there. (A friend told me these might be guy inches, and not actual dimensions.) He also acknowledged that if he saw me naked, there might be things about my body that he might not be attracted to.

Anyway, we chatted a bit more, and he surmised that I was giving him the "it's not you, it's me" speech. I'll admit it, I have a hard time letting some people in. Some of it is the T thing, while another part of it is the growing up as a military brat. As you move from place to place, you start putting less investments in your friends so it becomes less painful to say good-bye.

We hung out the following day as he took one of his dying pets to the vet, then did a little shopping when he got some good news with his pet.

I know he likes me, even with the knowledge of my past...but I don't think I was that attracted to him, nor was sex going to work very well...which eventually would have left neither of us with something to work with.

Changes

Have you ever had the convergence of many different changes in life happening around the same time? It seems like it has been that way for me lately.

A few weeks ago, my mom received word that her cancer treatments weren't working. At that time, they had no other options for her, and they told her that she basically has a year to live. Yes, it's crappy news, but I know the process of life. I love my mom, but I also know that none of us live forever. I suppose it seems like 'forever' as we age, and we almost assume that everyone in our lives will be around in our day to day activities. Because this fight against the cancer has gone on for years, I suppose it has given me time to deal with it all, and my own journey has given me insight into the whole grieving process. And, perhaps since I am a problem solver by nature, Denial and Bargaining never enter into my equation. Sure, there is a little anger at the whole dying thing, but I usually skip into the Depression and Acceptance steps pretty fast. There is no use spending energy on things I cannot change.

About a month ago, my roommate told me that she needed to move to Chicago to follow what her employer subtly said was basically her only option to stay employed. It wasn't much notice, and I had to go through the whole process of finding a new roommate. Not only that, but when she left at the buttcrack of dawn this past Sunday, she spent little time cleaning her room or bathroom. She didn't have too much stuff here since she was able to pack it all into a couple of suitcases for her flight, but she still left things in a bit of a mess...especially the bathroom. It took me 3 hours to clean it Sunday night, and then start on the rest of her room. Since I was also getting the carpets replaced, I had to move stuff around for the carpet layers on Monday and Tuesday. Shifting around the entire apartment was very physically demanding and time consuming. I don't think I have made it to bed before 1am all this week as I move, clean, and replace everything around the apartment. My new roommate has made minimal contact thus far, but she is due to move in sometime over the next week.

In my personal life, I have also found that Warcraft is too much of a time sink. I'm not doing anything creative, and I really need to. When I was at Wondercon, it really brought back my desire to write. I've already got a new story I need to start working on, and see what I can make of it. To free up time, though, I've already told myself that I'm only playing computer games 2 days a week...maximum. The hard part is the social part of the game. I've gotten to know a lot of fun and cool people to hang out with via ventrillo. Leaving them behind really makes me sad, but I suppose there are plenty of other people out in the world still to meet.

Taking on the duties of Ms. Transgender San Francisco has also led to a reflection on my involvement in the transgender world, as I have mentioned in a few past posts.

The other aspect is my life in general. I'd like to find a place of my own...one that I own, instead of renting. Interest rates are rock bottom low right now, but housing prices are still fairly expensive here. And finding a decent place is still kinda hard. My lease ends in November, and I think I'd like to be in a new place before then.

Finally, my sports teams have started up again, and I wonder how this year will work in my schedule. Hopefully there will be no injuries this year.

All in all, I have a lot of new paths to take...but, that is what life is all about...our roads to tomorrow.