Duty Free

I made it back from China about a week and a half ago. It's kinda interesting...we took off around 1pm on Friday and landed at 8am the same day, which made it a very long 39 hour "day".

My boss went, too, and a few days before we were scheduled to fly back, he had a little stomach trouble. Another of my coworkers suggested that I just take Immodium AD the entire time so that I wouldn't have to deal with any stomach issues, but I figured I would take it as needed. On the flight back, I felt my stomach start to rumble, and for a few days after arriving home, I, unfortunately, didn't feel so great.

Things have since cleared up and I'm feeling fairly well, but what made me feel quite uneasy while I was there was the almost constant staring, especially when I was by myself.

Sure, I realize that China (and a lot of Asian countries) has less diversity than the US, especially San Francisco (which is probably one of the most diverse cities in the US), but I know they are used to seeing foreigners to some degree.

When I was out with my boss and some of our vendors (who were American, but living in China), I didn't notice as many stares, but we were often waved down in order to attract our attention to their business when we were in smaller shopping districts.

When I was out running in the morning, there were not many people out and about, and those that were out seemed to be quite older and performing their exercises. I often got stares from people in buses during my runs, or sometimes from the sparse people I did see on the sidewalks.

When I went walking on my own, that's when I noticed quite a bit of staring, again, mainly from people on buses or in cars, and only sometimes from people on the sidewalk. Inside one of the shopping malls, though, things seemed rather nice and there were far fewer stares.

I'm sure they were harmless stares, but either way, I felt a bit uneasy, mainly because almost all of the women are dainty and very feminine. I almost felt out of place to a degree, due to my lack of uber feminine stature and my semi-infatuation with lesbian gear. I tried wrapping my head around the illegality of being gay or lesbian in China, and couldn't imagine how awful it would be to live there and be attracted to the same sex.

It was nice to see, though, that a majority of people just went about their business and focused on where they needed to go, because I have to admit, their traffic methods are utterly insane. If you're not watching where you're going in China, you're probably not going to last long there.

International

I'm flying out to Asia this afternoon on my first trip out of the US since transitioning six and a half years ago. I have my passport and visa in order, so there shouldn't be an issue...but still, in the back of my head there is always that cautious part of me that worries about the worst things that can happen.

Leggy dreams

I was going to do this whole countdown to turning 40 by doing a blog a day for the 40 days before my birthday. Since I turn 40 in just over a month, that idea just didn't pan out since my schedule hasn't allowed it, and to be honest, I'd probably run out of good ideas to write about less than halfway there.

In the meantime, though, I do hope to get in a few more entries since we're on the verge of San Francisco Pride and I have a few interesting things to write about...including a weird dream I had last night.

Sometime over the past year, I caught a Jerry Springer clip about a transwoman named Sandra with Body Integrity Identity Disorder. While this subject matter has appeared on Nip/Tuck in the past and some researchers have debated if GID is somehow related to BIID, I hope that people see that while the two may have very distant similarities, both are theorized to have different causes. BIID is thought to originate from a body mapping disfunction while GID is thought to be a gender development issue of the brain based on exposures to different hormones. So, that being said, let me also preface this next paragraph by stating that I have absolutely NO desire to cut off my own arms or legs.

Anyway, in my dream last night, I was missing my left leg below the knee. I have no idea how I lost it, but at one point I was in the hospital...then going through rehab...then I had on a prosthetic leg. What I found interesting was that I didn't seem phased by the situation either due to realizing it was a dream or that I realized it was more important to be alive than worry about missing part of my leg. I love my legs...and my feet, and everything included with them...even my ugly unpainted toenails. I love being able to walk and run everywhere. In the past, people often asked me why I ran...and I told them 'because I could'. I just found it kinda weird that I wasn't freaked out because, if that really happened, I'd probably be an incredible wreck.

I think I realized I was dreaming, though, as I had woken up shortly before the dream, but had gone back to sleep. As the sun starts to creep into my bedroom around 6am, I typically wake up, groan, and then go back to sleep, sorta entering a little twilight sleep period. Also, one of my teammates recently suffered a season-ending...and possibly a sport-ending...injury to her knee, so I'm not sure if this was a little bit of survivor guilt manifesting in a dream or not. I had offered to taxi her around this weekend since she's unable to drive in her current situation, but she never called.

OK, it's late...off to bed...hopefully without any amputee dreams.

Fashion

The weather has been a little unusual lately. Typically, once May arrives, there is little rain in the Bay until Novemberish. While the rain is good for our reservoirs, it's not so great for practices at night.

We've had some nasty practices in the rain this year. At one practice, my hands were so cold I couldn't take off my shoes and simply drove home wearing all of my wet clothes with the heater on full blast.

Thus, when the rain came again this week, one of my teammates shows up with water-proof pants pulled up to her knees.

"Those kinda look like old school basketball shorts," says one of my teammates.

"What?" I ask.

"Well, for you, they aren't so old school," she says in reference to my rapidly approaching 40th birthday.

I laughed...well, sorta.

We then somehow got on the subject of the sportswear of the past.

"It was horrible in the 80's...shorts were way too tight," I state.

"What do you mean?" asks one of my many lesbian teammates.

"You could see everything."

"What?"

At this point I realize I am talking about men's fashion...not women's fashion. The male past blows in on a gust of wind. I try to recover.

"You could see their package...it was just gross. Women's fashion was just fine...well, except for the collared shirts and the poofy hair."

Hopefully my little stray into men's fashion didn't trigger any suspicion, but simply makes her think I was more into boys in my past.

Buttons

My coworker and I were both headed downstairs to the receiving dock. As we approached, he, like many others I have seen, pressed the handicap button that opens the double doors leading into the area.

"Why do so many people have to press that button when they could easily open the door themselves?" I asked.

"I like having doors magically open for me."

"I have doors opened for me all of the time."

"Yeah, but that's because you have breasts. It's no fair."

A little crude, but I still laughed...and, of course, then we briefly discussed the fairness of it all.

Boxers or Briefs

So, a number of my teammates love to wear boxers. I'm not exactly sure why, but they love them. Of course, a number of lesbian women also love to wear boxers, and since a good proportion of my teammates are lesbians, it figures that a healthy number of them would prefer boxers.

After a few of us had brunch in the Castro, we walked along Market on our way to another destination. Somehow we got on the conversation of underwear, and my teammate walking closest to me says she wears boxers. I ask her why so many of our teammates wear boxers. What does it do for them? Men wear them because it is supposedly healthier for sperm, but what does it do for girls?

She said she just liked wearing them and that she found comfort in them. She said her mother didn't quite understand but just kinda accepted it.

"I'm not one of those transgender, I just like wearing boxers," she said, reinforcing her diverse gender expression. "I mean, I like wearing masculine clothes, and I love my bra. I just love my boobies."

"Hmmm...you're a cross-dresser," I said jokingly.

"Haha! Yeah, I guess I am."

San Francisco Student Survey Report

A few months ago, I caught an article about a survey on San Francisco LGBT students. This survey basically asked students about their sexual orientation and gender identity, along with a number of questions concerning their social interactions.

The report is quite eye-opening, and I'm surprised that it didn't receive more national recognition. It reports, based on student surveys, that approximately 12% of students have seriously considered suicide while more than twice (27%) of the lesbian, gay, or bi students have. Double that percentage again (54%), and you get the number of transgender students that have seriously considered suicide. That number is just astounding, and shows just how hard transgender students can have it...and we're talking just San Francisco schools...not somewhere out in the middle of a red state. This is about San Francisco students!

When I talk on LGBT panels, I usually quote the fact that queer youth have basically double the suicide rate of non-queer youth, and that trans-youth have a higher percentage than the queer youth. This number is amazing, though, that basically half of transgender youth have seriously considered suicide. Now, while no one can confirm suicide rates for trans and queer youth simply because often times we don't know why people kill themselves, this report gives solid numbers to something many have been saying for a long time. It's not easy being queer or trans, and most of time the pressure comes from their peers or family.

Another section talks about how safe the students feel at school. Seven percent of hetero-students have skipped school because they felt unsafe. The number jumps up to 11 percent for LGB students and an amazing 56 percent for transgender students that say they have stayed away from school because of fears for their safety.

One of the biggest things I have seen recently is the push for people not to use "That's so gay", which can and does affect queer and trans-youth. I've seen all types of people use that phrase, and in many situations, it is harmful to queer and trans-youth because it encourages verbal bullying. The hardest part is that people say this without even realizing the harm they are creating...and it's basically spread as a socially accepted phrase in our society.

When I talk on the panels (and if there is time), I like to discuss how best to be a queer or trans ally. One of the best ways, I tell them, is to just create conversation and dialogue about the panel discussion.

I would say, "Go home and tell your parents, family, or friends about the interesting people and topics that we discussed tonight. And be there with open arms should anyone ever need to talk about anything. Tell them you'll be there to listen and not judge."

One at a time, we can make a huge difference in this world.

The full San Francisco Unified School District report