Schlepping

When I told my parents that I would be traveling to Israel for work, they both expressed the concern that any parent would express when they think their child is headed into an unsafe environment.

"It's OK. I'll be working with my colleagues there and we'll be in the northern part of Israel...away from the terrorist areas. That, and the Egypt stuff is pretty much limited to Egypt right now."

I was pretty cautious about going to Israel, though. I mean, when you see news about Israel, it's not typically good news.

When people at work asked if I was going to have time to see the area, though, I said that I really had no need to look around. Even though Israel is full of very old historical sights, I'm not religious and had absolutely no desire to see anything.

"You'll be fine, Kara."

"It's OK. I'd rather not."

A lot of my coworkers couldn't understand why I wouldn't want to get out and see the sights, and it's not really something I can chat with them about, because besides not being religious, I was simply worried about my safety.

I'm a transsexual.

Not everyone is fond of transsexuals.

On my first full day in Israel, we had a group meeting to go over previous details and evaluate some of the progress they had made there. We were introduced to a new member of the team who had written some simulation software for the program. Once our formal meeting was over, we were all introduced to him. He wore older Jewish attire and had his hair and facial hair long. He looked like a combination of a priest and an Amish man. Like the men in our group, I stuck my hand out to shake hands with him, but he simply kept his hand by his side and shook his head.

"Uhh..OK."

"It's not you, Kara, he just can't touch a woman other than his wife...it's part of his religion."

I really don't understand religion...nor the amazing things people do for it. I marvel at how advanced our society has become, but shake my head sometimes with how archaic we can still be. Fortunately, I was there in Israel for science, not religion. I spent the week working with colleagues on our new technology. It went well, but they still did not understand why I didn't want to get out.

They thought I was afraid. I was...they just didn't understand why.

I flew in on Saturday and rode the train with a coworker to where we needed to be. We were able to get out at night during the week and grab a bite to eat at a number of interesting restaurants, including one which had a view of the coast up to Lebanon (which was indicated by "where the lights went out"). On my last day there, one of my local colleagues brought back falafel for lunch, which I actually enjoyed the most out of all the meals I had there. So, chalk at least one win up for the culinary delights.

After wrapping business up for the week, I caught a taxi to the train station in order to get back to the airport and fly home, to catch BART, to catch a taxi to my apartment. Planes, trains, and automobiles.

The same coworkers that said I would be safe in Israel and should get out to see the sights also warned me that I might see people walking around with machine guns. I figured if I saw any people with machine guns they would be at strategic entrances to certain buildings or something.

I did not expect them to be riding across the aisle from me on the train, nor did I expect them to be so young.

When I got to the airport Thursday evening, I went through Israeli security. Surprisingly, they do not require you to take off your shoes, but they do require about everything else...and I mean everything.

When I went to check in my bag, the security personnel there interviewed the crap out of me. They also wanted the special letter by any Israeli people that I had been working with. Once through that, the bag I was checking in was scanned. They didn't like a number of things in it, so I was pulled to the side while they went through the contents. Now, I took along my dilator because I thought I might have to go to China directly from Israel, and worried about my time without dilation. And, of course, they found the dilator tucked away in my bag, along with a tube of Surgilube. I just had to smile...because, really, it was kinda amusing to me.

They also found a can of Coke that I had stashed away in my bag. Israeli Coke is made from real sugar, and I figured I'd bring back a few as souvenirs. The inspector didn't like the one can of Coke she found in the main part of my bag, though. The woman in charge sent one of her assistants off to wrap the can of Coke in bubble wrap and put it in its own cardboard box. I told the inspector that there were two more cans of Coke in my bag. I even pointed to them. She wasn't concerned with the other two cans, though, but simply with the one can that she pulled out. And, thus, it was packaged in it's own box and sent through with the other checked baggage.

I'll probably never understand why that one can of Coke had to be packaged by itself, nor will my coworkers likely understand why I had no desire to see any of the sights there, but we each have our reasons to secure the important things in our lives.

Transgender Day of Remembrance 2010

I'm on vacation in Fort Lauderdale before Thanksgiving and decided to catch the Transgender Day of Remembrance Vigil here. It was a small crowd of about 50 people, but it was a very caring and lovely presentation. Charlotte and myself both participated in the reading of the thirty names of transgender or gender diverse people that have been killed over the past year.

Each person would walk to the microphone, read the name and their story, and then extinguish one of the thirty candles they represented. After all the names were read, each candle was relit, which I found to be very unique. I suppose it represents our honoring of them and how each of us can keep their memory alive.

After that, ceremony facilitator Jacqui addressed the audience with her speech entitled "Hate". Although the name insinuates something else, her speech was really great and to the point. Afterward, Charlotte and myself spoke briefly with Jacqui about the very honorable vigil for DOR. The whole event lasted about an hour, which was the perfect length for us, and it did not have a heavy religious theme, which was more to my liking.

Getting Parents to Let Go

Before I start this post, I wanted to mention how ironic it is that the one woman most impersonated by gay men has a daughter that became a man. The irony just eclipses this total gender binary.

OK, so Cher was on Letterman last night, and the two talked about her son, Chaz, for a while. (I didn't catch the episode, but you can catch the interview here.) Now, I've never met Cher, but I have had the opportunity to chat with Chaz for a while, and he seems like a really nice guy.

I watched the interview and it's this total mash-up of improper pronouns and sexual orientations...even calling Chaz a lesbian. Dave tried to stay on track with the pronouns, sexual orientations, and providing a glimpse of the female past along with the male present, but Cher can't seem to let go.

I suppose that's one of the hardest parts for a parent...saying good-bye to the child you raised and then welcoming in a new member of the family that you feel you don't even know.

She's not a bad parent...she's still there for Chaz, but I get a strong sense that not everything is keen for Cher. What I thought was awesome, though, was the audience's applause when Cher said that Chaz was brave. I think if more parents saw that society is more impressed with parents being there for their children no matter what, than the parents being embarrassed because they think they'll be thought of differently and blamed for something their child did, there would be a lot fewer homeless transgender children.

I also cringed when Cher kept messing up the pronouns and then said that Chaz didn't care about her using the wrong pronouns. Yeah, right...he's probably just tired of always correcting your ass. OK, that's not what Chaz thinks...it's just what I think. That would drive me crazy if my parents did that, and I really hope that's not how they talk about me when I'm not there.

At least they won't be on Letterman anytime soon, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Is Tranny a Bad Word?

It's back. Yup, the T-word...and it just happens to correspond once again with Trannyfest.

I've seen a number of people head to my post from two years ago which concerned the word "Tranny", and I have noticed the response from two TV programs the past week...both dealing with transgender women, so I kinda put two and two together.

People still want to know if 'tranny' is a bad word.

Well, is it?

Last week I caught Glee's Rocky Horror-themed episode and heard the lines that are causing a stir. I also thought the song "Sweet Transvestite" sounded different...and it did, with the decision to replace "transsexual" with "sensational". I've never actually seen Rocky Horror (I know, gasp, right?) all the way through so I wasn't quite sure that they changed some of the lyrics. I thought it was pretty groundbreaking to use what they did, but I was disappointed with all the stuff going on behind the scenes...such as removing the word "trannsexual" from the song. When one of the characters said their parents wouldn't let them play the tranny part (I'm paraphrasing, of course), it's not the greatest situation. It tends to make people think that being a "tranny" is horrible or degrading. The episode used the characters decision to further enhance the battle of doing the play in the first place and was simply a mechanism for further plot development, but the way they did it was purely without class.

So, to recap the Glee episode, they used the word 'tranny' a number of times...mostly in ways that made it sound horrible to be one, and they were prevented from using the word 'transsexual' in the lyrics of a classic Rocky Horror Picture Show song.

Via a transgender forum a few days ago, I also caught some of the issues with the Jersey Shores crew. It's no fun to be mocked with "If you have to think about it...."

GLAAD tackled both issues, and MTV has since apologized for the episode. Glee is one of the most LGB friendly shows on TV right now, but I think the jury is still out on if they are LGBT friendly.

As for Trannyfest, I attended Saturday's showing when Marty's film, Gillian, was presented. I helped Martin and Lisa brainstorm after we received the film requirement, and came up with the idea of having a woman with a sprained MCL fall in love with her physical therapist. Sound familiar? Although I love writing, Marty wrote the script since I was too busy with work and sports.

I pulled the idea from my own experience from around two and a half years ago when I sprained my MCL. I had a physical therapist who I thought was a lesbian, but she was just a cute short-haired girl who drove a jeep and had a dog, but also had a boyfriend. And, of course, I never hit on her or anything. In our story, though, I figured we could use the knee brace as a metaphor for her loser boyfriend. Ahh...metaphors.

Anyway, there were a number of trans-themed films shown both Friday and Saturday. Some were great, some were good, and some weren't...but that's the thing with independent films...you get a good mix of things and just appreciate the art factor.

As for if 'tranny' is a bad word, it all depends on the situation. If you are not trans, 99% of the time the word is going to be considered offensive.

There are a lot of trans people that still use the word, and there are a lot of non-trans people that hear them use the word, but they often times aren't aware of the situation. There are a lot of reasons that trans-people use the word...from using it in an artful manner such as Trannyfest or Tranny Roadshow to trying to reclaim it as their own, similiar to the N-word used by African Americans. There are many black people that are offended by people using it, though, no matter what color of their skin. The same can be said for many trans-people...they don't like anyone using the word, even within the T-world.

There are other options to the word 'tranny', though...such as trans-woman, trans-girl, trans-man, trans-guy, trans, and my favorite, 'T'.

So, if you really want to use the word 'tranny', you should have been at Trannyfest this past weekend where you could have said it as much as you wanted and no one would have cared.

Permission to be Feminine

Recently, I had a day off to participate in a few speaking gigs, and with a little bit of time between two of the sessions, I decided to do a little shopping. My work wardrobe needed a little pick me up with the cooler weather approaching and it's always fun to stop by the sports store to see what they have. I've been really bad in sports stores lately, significantly upgrading my sports and running attire to the tune of way too much money.

As I was shopping, though, I ran across a Halloween store. "What fun," I thought, and stopped in to see what they had. I looked through all of the female adult costumes and picked out the ones that looked nice, while also covering the bicep. My arms just seem too big, and thus, I have a bit of an issue with anyone seeing them. I found five outfits that I liked: a superhero costume, a vampire costume, two fantasy costumes, and one schoolgirl costume.

I eventually ended up trying on a few of the costumes last weekend, but walked away with none of them. They just don't quite seem to look like they do on the front of the package, nor do they fit me as well as they do the model who is wearing it.

I previously showed my selection to a few friends, though, and many of them were gaga for the superhero costume and the naughty schoolgirl one. I was hesitant to get the schoolgirl costume for one reason...it was too cliche for transgender women.

There are a number of stereotypes of transgender women. We're tall, we're hookers, we're out to deceive straight men, and we all dress a little bit too feminine. (There are a few other stereotypes such as wearing clothes a few sizes too small or a few years outside our generation.)

I'm not tall, I've never been paid to have sex, and all of my sex partners have known of my status...but sometimes I do have trouble dressing feminine because of that damn stereotype that we all dress too feminine.

And I hate that.

Sometimes I hate dressing like I'm some vegan lesbian living in a Berkeley co-op (not that there's anything wrong with that), but I tend to feel comfortable wearing long sleeve stylish layers with my North Face sleeveless jacket. It would be nice to just let go and dress like some slutty woman who's looking to score with a guy from the bar, though.

The problem is, most of the slutty little outfits that I see would not fit me the way they fit most girls. I have bigger arms and a bigger chest, not to mention the lack of a super tiny waist. And so, I feel like I would be judged as a "man in a dress".

One of the muscular butch girls on my team once told me she doesn't wear dresses or makeup because she says she looks like a tranny if she does. I suppose there is this perception that if you appear masculine, and you wear anything feminine, you're almost instantly tagged as a transgender person, and I'll admit, it definitely affects my attire.

I've found that I tend to only wear a dress on special occasions, and it's almost as though I need permission to do so. I hardly ever wear a dress or skirt to work mainly because I'm cautious as to how they fit and I don't want the extra attention by wearing them. And yet, I want to, and I'm jealous of the women who can and do wear a dress or skirt to work, or even out into public for a night out, for that matter.

It probably doesn't help that most of my friends are lesbians, although some of them do tend toward the feminine side of things. It's probably the lesbian environment combined with my own anxiety over the muscular build that stops me from dressing super-femme.

At least I won't have to buy new clothes if I decide to go vegetarian in the future.

Childhood memories

I visited my parents' place over Mother's Day weekend earlier this spring. I normally stay in a room on the second floor, but since my dad moved some of his office stuff into that room, I stayed in another. And, thus, I saw something that I hadn't seen in a very long time.

In the twilight of time between then and tomorrow, the small stool caught the soft hue of nearby light. The legs, four pillars of foundation, still stood willing and ready for the weight of a young child's imagination. I knelt down, knowing that while it may not hold my physical weight, it would still support the dreams and aspirations of a lost adolescent. I cried.

My childhood name was written across the top of that stool.

I don't know if it was the emotion of seeing something I cherished from my half bottled-up youth, or if it was a nod to the time spent alone as a kid while sitting on that stool pondering the reasons why my body didn't match who I thought I was. While I remember many of the toys and items I had as a child, I have realized I cherished the ones where gender didn't matter.

My sister had the Barbies and stuffed animals, along with makeup and a small toy house. I had the Matchbox cars, the Shogun Warriors, and a number of other boy items. We both had sporting equipment, along with watercolor posters made by our mom that had our names and other things that started with the same letter. Mine was K, her's was L.

We both had kites that we flew when the wind was swift enough to keep our dreams afloat. In the winter, we had sleds that let us slide along on journeys we'd never taken. And when we could, we both rode our bikes wherever our little legs could take us.

My sister and I had Christmas stockings with our names labeled across the top. We both received similar ornaments from our grandmother, mine often resembling a boy's toy, but not always.

My sister and I shared a collection of 45's that we played on our little record player. We both loved the song "YMCA".

And my sister and I both had stools with our names on them. I remember her's breaking at some point, which we fixed, but if I'm not mistaken, mine weathered the years quite well. Sure, it still shows its age, but it has remained sturdy throughout the years.

I've broken down crying while writing this entry tonight...an amazing four months later...in shear awe of the power of emotion I felt that night. And I'm not sure if the tears are good or bad, whether I'm crying from the memories of a happy, yet unfulfilled childhood, or if it's the sight of something dear to my heart that interlaced that childhood with the power to keep that little girl inside me alive.

Perhaps this weekend I shall fly a kite and see.

Pride(s) and Frameline 2010

I meant to write this entry shortly after SF Pride, but I was super busy in the weeks following then. Since today was Oakland Pride, I figured I would finally finish it.

I was a little sick the week prior to and including SF Pride, the same time that the Frameline Film Fest was running. This year I decided to take in as movies as I could, along with a wide variety of topics and languages.

As with most independent films, it can be tough to find a movie that has great acting, a great script, great editing, and great directing. Typically, though, you get a couple of items, but never all of them.


Bi Request - Friday, June 18th

This was a collection of shorts set around a bisexual theme that I saw with a number of friends. One section featured portions of the web series, Rose by Any Other Name with a lesbian who starts dating a straight guy. It was mainly about their friends reactions to the two starting to date. It has pretty good acting and writing, but the story ended too soon as it's part of a series that was too long to showcase in a "shorts" series, but too short to be featured by itself.

Curious Thing was a nice little documentary with interesting voice-overs combined with a visual side story. In Between a Kiss was interesting as a girl gets caught by her boyfriend as she slips in to see her girlfriend.

There were a few other shorts, but nothing really worth mentioning. One had a French boyfriend sleeping around on his girlfriend with a guy, another was about a female porn performer, and the last was a stoner short about Wayne and Garth in San Francisco.


Elvis & Madona (imdb link) - Saturday, June 19th

In this Portuguese film, Madona has a run in with her previous pimp, but in the process meets Elvis, the girl of her dreams. Madona comes across as somewhere between Drag Queen and Male to Female transsexual, but however she identifies, she falls for pizza delivery girl, Elvis, who in turn falls for Madona. The two lovebirds make their way through a number of difficult times, culminating with Madona's show. There was such a diverse setting of scenes...everything from a campy drag show (that went on even after a shooting) to the series side of the two visiting Elvis' parents. Overall, I liked it, although it had a little more camp in it than I would have preferred.


A Marine Story (imdb link) (website) - Saturday, June 19th

Just a few hours after Elvis & Madona, I caught what I would consider to be the best film of the film fest, A Marine Story. This stars the same actress and director/writer from The Gymnast (which I never saw), which is supposed to be a fairly good film, as well. A Marine Story had good acting and a good story, and it made for a good movie. I was worried a little at the beginning that it was going to come off a little too Red State-ish for me, but it turned out well. At some point, I'm hoping I can get my parents to watch it.

It is the story of a marine that is kicked out of the service for being a lesbian. She returns to the town where she grew up and slowly starts to come out to the people she associates with. In the process, she also inherits a local female youth who needs to be polished into shape before she's semi-forced to join the military. The movie takes a few expected turns (a la Hollywood), but overall it made for an enjoyable experience.


Paulista (imdb link) - Sunday, June 20th

In this Portuguese story, a young woman named Marina leaves the countryside and runs off to the big city of Sao Paulo in order to earn work as an actress. She stays with a woman named Suzana who is just starting a relationship with a man she knows from work. Marina seems to fall for a punk rocker, while Suzana grows closer and closer to her new boyfriend. The main draw for me was the Suzana character, a post-op male to female transsexual. Her character went through many of the situations that MTF's go through once past transition. I loved the story, acting, and the settings, but the editing between scenes and the story's ending really brought this film down for me. I was left there at the end going "NOOOOOO!!!!!!". I was really hoping they had more resolution, and it almost made me wonder if the writer either didn't know how to end it or they ran out of time filming it.


Plan B (imdb link) - Monday, June 21st

In my third film to watch with subtitles, I went in thinking it was going to be a romantic comedy, but it ended up being a little more series and way more artsy that I expected. (I'm not sure if the distant reference to Plan 9 From Outer Space influenced my thoughts or not.) The Spanish film had a great story and some fantastic acting, but the writing had a lot of gaps, and the editing was poor. This film probably could have been half the length just from all the super slow times. I actually fell asleep near the end of the film due to so many lulls in action and dialogue, but woke up before the superb ending.


Elena Undone (imdb link) (website) - Friday, June 25th

I was expecting a lot from this film since it had two fairly attractive women playing lesbians in love with one another. Even the movie "poster" has the two of them basically naked, but not showing anything significant. I'm not sure if my higher expectations lead me to be disappointed in this film or if me not feeling well also contributed. I was also in a bad mood from earlier in the day, but still, the story was horrible and they focused way too much on the two women being wrapped up in one another. It's sorta like making a trans-movie and totally dwelling on the trans-people (which can be boring), instead of focusing on how their journey affects those around them. They set up some supporting characters with potential for great conflict, yet all of that was dealt with in such short order and far less degree of difficulty. Also, the director has us believe that the very obvious gay narrator is, in fact, actually straight. I actually fell asleep in this one, too, and was utterly bored trying to finish it. The ending was also pretty corny, as well. Like I said, though, I wasn't in the best of moods, so perhaps that clouded my judgment on this film.


Lost in the Crowd (imdb link) (website) - Saturday, June 26

This was a fantastic documentary about trans and queer youth living on the streets of New York City. The filmmaker initially intended to film a different subject matter, but stumbled upon the story of a number of at risk youth. The youth include gay men and a number of trans women who find varying degrees of success with the cards they have been dealt. The documentary was filmed over a number of years, and unfortunately, the filmmaker was unable to reach several of the youth she had filmed in previous years. I wish this film were slightly longer than the 75 minute running time listed, but it was definitely worth seeing. I even had one of my teammates and her girlfriend decide to watch it with me at the spur of the moment, and even they liked it and found it deeply touching.


I'm glad I had the opportunity to see seven of this year's films, but I really wish I hadn't been sick the week of the film fest. I watched about half of the films by myself, but later found out I knew a number of other people at the films who were watching them by themselves, too. It can be so hit-or-miss at these independent films, though, but at least a few turned out to be really great and very touching.