Who ya gonna call???

Janet called early this morning and apologized for not getting back yesterday. She said Dr. Meltzer reviewed the pictures I sent and that I should go back to putting Bacitracin only on the clitoris, but that everything else looked fine.

I was back at work today, but, luckily, only part time. I’m doing half days for the next week before I go back full-time. I will have to say that I kinda like being a slacker (especially while I’m getting paid...albeit I am recovering, though), and almost dread going back to work.

I don’t know if it’s that dread or what, but I’ve felt a little depressed lately. I don’t think it’s really due to SRS, but more to my body anxieties...that I will never be GG, or look normal, blah, blah, blah. And if I try to look more normal, that means pumping so much more money into implants, cheeks, lipo, fixing the jaw, hair transplants...and losing the muscle. I actually don’t mind too much muscle, I just wish it were a little less. I guess some of that will go down in time with HRT. This depression seems a lot lighter than the depression I felt after FFS, but I can still feel a little of it this time. I just tell myself that I'm going through a little depression and that with time, it will go away.

Some of it could be due to SRS, though, as I wait for things to completely heal. I haven’t started exercising, yet, as I’m waiting for the clitoris area to reach a state where I feel like getting out again. I’ve always been able to use exercising as a valuable stress buster in my past, and it’s hard when you can’t. So, I guess I’m stressed that I can’t go about my normal stress busting activity.

#5?

I talked to LaCrista from Dr. Meltzer's office this morning and ordered #5. She says it will ship today. I almost feel giddy and dread at the same time.....driddy???

I also talked to Janet late this evening. She said she would forward my photos on to Dr. Meltzer to see if anything needed to be done concerning my clitoris.

Yes...I am a slacker

Some people continue to ask how I’m doing and what type of super incredible revelations I’ve had. Funny thing is, I haven’t. Not that I’m really aware of, that is. I think I was able to dig through a lot of it before surgery such that I didn’t have to deal with anything afterward.

Actually, you want to know what one of the hardest things has been for me? Putting on socks and tying my shoes. The surgery has left me very rigid around the mid section. OK, not rigid, but inflexible. It’s hard to bend down to my feet while also bending my knee. It’s getting better, but I wouldn’t have survived had I not had my mom tying my shoes those first few times. Luckily, I also took along a few sandals so I just slid my foot in and out. That’s mainly what I wear now...or my house slippers. Occasionally, though, I have to put on shoes that have laces. I won’t say it’s hard, but it’s a little uncomfortable...still.

I think I’m going to be ready for #5 soon. I’ll probably talk to Dr. Meltzer’s office on Monday concerning my clitoris as well as order the #5. Looks like I will have to work on a name for it. I should go uber femme for it.

Speaking of dilating, I initially started out with jazz music to help relax and get in a dilating mood. After a while, though, I started watching the TV to keep me entertained while I dilated for my standard 30 minutes.

I watched the Incredibles the day it came out on DVD. After that, I finally dug out the Sci-Fi Channel’s miniseries, Taken, which I recorded way back in 2002. It’s a 10 part, 20 hour marathon that has kept me busy for the past 11 days during dilations. Tonight, I finally finished it off. Unfortunately, I was disappointed in the ending. Now I have to find something else to watch while dilating. I guess I have a few movies to watch...but at one movie a day, I’m going to need something else pretty soon. Luckily, I drop down to twice a day later this week. Since February was a short month, I figured I would continue the four times a day until Tuesday, instead of dropping down tomorrow, which will be one month of dilating.

It's been a long road

It’s funny how important events in our lives slowly fade into memories...distant dreams. Even SRS, an event I built up before, but realized wasn’t that big during it, is something that I’m mainly reminded about only when I think about it.

There are things that will probably remind me of it for a long time. And you know what, I don’t mind. It was a positive experience for me. Like a girl who finally has her period, some might say, “Kara, you are now a woman.” However one wants to put it, I feel very comfortable as me now.

Memories for me, though, are sometimes triggered by rather unique senses. When I was a child, I remember the smell of these particular flowers that were in the planters by the front door of my grandparent’s house. Every time I smell those flowers now, I’m reminded of their house and the times my family visited.

I’m reminded of my FFS journey whenever I visit Noe Valley, or see the front license plate on my car that was scraped in my mom’s little accident, or wear the black scarf that I bought at Mia’s Flower’s and Gifts just around the corner from Cocoon, or fix pancakes (since the first time I ever fixed them myself was in Cocoon).

I bought the candle to bring back from Arizona as an aromatic reminder, but there will probably be some other things that will remind me. Will I ever think of rubber duckies the same? Also, I created a little CD before the trip. I created one for Amber before hers last year, and based on her ‘weiner roast’ party’s name, Wangapalooza, I named the CD the same thing. So, this year’s CD was Wangapalooza Volume 2. Here’s the list of songs I put on it:

1. Where My Heart Will Take Me - variety
2. Just A Girl - No Doubt
3. I Can’t Tell The Boys From The Girls - Lester Flatt
4. Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
5. Sex Change - Snap-Her
6. Meant to Live - Switchfoot
7. The Change - Cledus T. Judd
8. The Reason - Hoobastank
9. When You’re a Tuesday Girl - The Tuesdays
10. 100 Years - Five For Fighting
11. Just Be A Woman - Lenny Kravitz
12. Hurt - Johnny Cash
13. Coin-Operated Boy - The Dresden Dolls
14. Welcome to My Life - Simple Plan
15. Everyday is a Winding Road - Sheryl Crow
16. Shooting Stars - Edwin McCain
17. Save Tonight - Eagle-Eye Cherry
18. Time To Move On - Tom Petty
19. This Is Your Life - Switchfoot

Some of these songs will definitely remind me of the experience. Some are just fun songs that I dug up which I will probably never hear again unless I play the CD. Some are very popular songs that just talk about the different things life throws at us and how we deal with them. I likened some to the pain and joys of dilation, one to the day of the week that I had the operation on, and some that speak about simply being a woman. One might ask why I have Save Tonight on the list. If you actually listen to the song and think of the singer singing from the perspective of a penis, it’s actually quite funny...and believe it or not, it was sort of a farewell/send-off song that actually got me to cry a few times before surgery. I will never think of that song the same way ever again.

I’ve been home for over 2 weeks now, but it seems like forever. Perhaps dilation has done that to me. I won’t know what to do with myself when I actually decrease to twice a day from the current four times a day.

Tonight, though, I was able to slide #4 in without warming up with #3. I’ll probably have to use #3 to initially warm up for a few more days until I can get #4 in by itself, but it was rather encouraging. I wonder if I’ll have to order #5 or not. I guess I’ll see how #4 goes.

I’m still kinda worried about my clitoris. It’s not looking black or anything, but the skin around it doesn’t seem to be healing that well compared to the rest of the incisions. In fact, most of the other ones are pretty much healed, even the slight tear in the bottom triangle area. I’m thinking about making an appointment with one of the local T docs or sending in a picture to Dr. Meltzer’s office....just to be sure things are going OK.

Helga

I tried #4 the past two days and it was quite tight. I’ve had #3 in at good depth lately and have been working #4 in when possible. I’m getting decent depth out of it as well, almost the full 6” to the edge of the labia, but it is really really tight. I basically have to lube it up at least twice during the session if I keep it in for any reasonable amount of time.

Surgery was a month ago today. Time has flown by so fast. Initially, I had planned on disability covering me for the first 4 weeks, although I had hoped they would cover me for the first month of dilation. They wouldn’t tell me how much they would cover me for, so I just went with the 4 weeks that HR said would most likely be covered. I also turned in the California state disability forms with this information. I figured I would simply take a week of vacation and then work half days from home, which would give me a total of 5.5 weeks following my first dilation before I physically returned to work. My boss was totally fine with this.

When I came home from Arizona, though, I found a letter from the disability provider saying they would now cover me for 5 weeks. Since I already had my plan into HR and had turned in my disability information to the state, I decided to just call in and tell them I was returning to work based on 4 weeks.

So, tomorrow, I am officially back to work....but I’m on vacation.

#3 at bat, #4 on deck

I used only the #3 today. It was a little rough getting it past the PC muscle at first, but after relaxing, I was able to get it in. I’ll probably start working #4 in to the lineup sometime in the next few days as #3 slides in easier.

Jigsaw puzzle

Janet called yesterday afternoon to see how I was doing. I told her things were going fairly well and that I hadn’t really had any problems. I told her I’d torn a little at the bottom, and that my clitoris was still spotting and still had a yellowish covering over the lower half. She said as long as it didn’t turn black I was doing ok.

“Are you still using the rubber ducky.”

“Actually, I don’t use it that often anymore.”

“Yeah, right,” she says in a very humorously sarcastic manner. Typically I’m the one that “yeah, right’s” someone, and it felt very weird to be the one on the receiving end. I told her I was serious, but I don’t think she believed me.

The clitoris continues to have a slight pain to it. It basically feels like someone squeezed my penis down into a very small area and there is a lot of pressure on it. It’s very weird because sometimes I can feel the penis shaft as though it has been tucked down between my legs and I can feel the head of the penis as though it has been squeezed down on where the shaft was originally located...which is basically the case for both. The weird part is feeling both of them at the same time because the sensation is now disjointed instead of being all in one continuous line.

A tube a day keeps the doctor away

The shooting pains are still continuing to run through the surgical area. They last anywhere from about 1-5 seconds. They’ve also seemed to increase in the clitoral area...which I hope is a good thing. These pains come and go in spurts. Sometimes they happen when I am sitting down, standing up, or simply while lying down.

I was never able to find any Surgilube in regular pharmacies, but was able to make do with the tube from Dr. Meltzer’s staff and two tubes that Amber graciously offered (since she bought like a gross of them or something). I recently looked online to see if I could simply order it from a respectable company, but then decided to see if there were any good deals on ebay. Sure enough, someone was selling 10 tubes of the stuff...at a pretty decent price. Including shipping and handling, I think I paid about $2.40 each, and most importantly, they arrived at my door yesterday.

So, I have finally started using #3. It is definitely tight getting it past that PC muscle, and I usually spend at least 10-15 minutes with #2 in first. The hard part is getting it all the way in. I’ve managed about 4-4.5” of vaginal depth thus far, and will hopefully get it a little further in time. I feel slight twinges of sharp pain at the very end, so I’m not pushing things yet.

Exploring

I stuck my finger up into my vagina the other day. I’m not one to be easily grossed out, but it was rather nasty feeling all around. Yeah, it feels warm and soft (and a bit moist from all of the Surgilube), but...well...it’s kinda different when you can feel all of the different little things up inside your gut.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably end up doing it again because I like exploring and experiencing new things...and well, I should probably become accustomed to my new body.

The other day, I also felt a slightly painful twinge in my lower stomach...near the internal suture. When I looked at that area, I noticed that the dimple there wasn’t as pronounced. I felt around there and could feel a tiny knot in the same place that the dimple was, so I’m guessing that the skin released there, but the suture was still hopefully in place within the muscle wall....or something like that.

My clitoris also seems to be hurting a bit more. When I try to figure out where exactly the pain is coming from, it looks like it is the underside of the clitoris...where the incision and sutures are located. One of the sutures was just hanging there the other day, and when I touched it (not knowing what it was), it basically just came off in my hand. It wasn’t really holding anything together at that time.

The good news about feeling the pain in the clitoris is that at least I’m feeling something.

Dilating

So, I've been on the 2T and 2 since Sunday, using the 1 sometimes just to get things started. Hopefully I can just use the 2 sometime this week before jumping to the 3 next week.

I liked using the chair in Greenbaum and the couch at the hotel, but I had to use the bed at Donna's and my bed since getting home. I just don't have a comfy chair in my room, and won't risk the roomie catching me on the couch.

I first start some light jazz music, place two paper towels in the approximate spot were I might be dripping any extra Surgilube, and lay down on the changing pad. I set my butt down in the paper towel area, of course, and rearrange as necessary.

Then I lube up the necessary dilator, but not quite as much as Janet recommended. Then, I use the mirror to kinda line things up and insert the dilator. Getting it past the PC muscle is a bit painful, but the pain typically reduces fairly rapidly, except if I've just jumped up to the larger size. I'll rotate it a little and move it around in circles to kinda loosen the PC muscle up a bit.

I typically go at least 20 minutes, but sometimes shoot for longer. If I start getting sore, then I go ahead and wrap things up.

Cleaning up depends on which dilation I'm on. If I am showering after the dilation, then I basically just wipe the extra Surgilube off and jump in the shower. If it's the other ones, I typically wipe the extra Surgilube off with a feminine wipe. I place Bacitracin along the incision lines, the lower triangle, and my clitoris after I take a shower and after the last dilation of the day. The last dilation of the day also gets Bacitracin on the end of the dilator before I start. I typically change pads about 3 times a day.

For this first month, I'm dilating 4 times a day. That doesn't leave much time for anything else. Wake up...dilate...shower...dilate...eat lunch...nap...dilate...eat dinner...watch TV...dilate...go to bed. OK, well, I have a little time between dilations, but you get the point. There really isn't enough time to do much else than dilate, eat, and sleep. I could probably escape for 2-3 hours at a time, but that time would have to fall between like 1-5pm or 6-10pm.

At least once the first month is over, it all gets easier...supposedly.

What to do?

I got in late last night...almost too late. I only dilated twice before leaving, then sat in the airport too long before the flight. So, I only dilated 3 times yesterday, that's if you count #3 at around 1am. It was a little tight, but things went OK. I've mainly been on the 2T and the regular 2, except for #1 this morning (in order to get things started).

It's nice to be home, but it's also kinda lonely, even with the roomie around. I only unloaded the light weight stuff last night, and unpacked some of my suitcases into a smaller bag that I could carry, so that I had my dilators and something to sleep in.

I went grocery shopping today and since I figure I'll have time to mess around with cooking some different dishes, I bought some stuff to try, as well as the basics. Getting around seems to be OK, although I still walk a little funny and slow.

I guess today has also been one of those days where I just stare at the list of things to do. I still need to fully unpack, do some laundry, and clean things up a bit. Over the weeks leading up to SRS, I also worked on a list of things to do during this "time off":

• Watch some shows and miniseries I taped a long time ago
• Try to dig up my medical records from the military archives
• Update the sperm bank with my current info
• Work on the new birth certificate
• Update and obtain a new passport
• Update my gender marker with Social Security
• See a dermatologist about the pigmentation patches on my face
• Work on some screenplay and writing ideas
• Investigate taking music lessons
• Update my US 50 state quarters collection (Yes, I'm a nerd)
• Check into a new high school diploma with the new name
• Re-frame college diplomas
• Check stock pile of old comic books for the latest Batman movie tie-in
• Pick up my room
• Work on my presentation for California Dreaming

Let's see, perhaps a summary of how I am doing, as well:

• I'm still bleeding from the clitoris.
• I change pads (Carefree Medium Protection Regular Size Pantiliners) a couple times a day.
• I think I've slightly torn down on the lower end (what Dr. Meltzer called the triangle).
• I'm still tired a little more so than usual.
• Sitting is still slightly uncomfortable.
• I still sleep with a pillow between my knees to keep the pressure comfortable.
• The shooting pains continue as the nerves reconnect.
• Peeing is still fairly messy but it mainly comes out in a stream aimed a little more forward that what I would prefer (which will hopefully subside with the swelling).
• I'm still fairly inflexible around the middle area...somewhat.

I'm also a little sexually frustrated (but haven't seen any depression yet, although I'm watching for it). There were a lot of pretty girls in Arizona and, well, there really isn't any way of releasing those urges and desires. Hopefully this is all residual stuff from my re-exposure to testosterone, which could take a little time to expunge from my system...possibly a few more weeks at the worst. If it continues, I may have too much testosterone being produced by the adrenal gland, which might mean I'd have to restart the spiro. Yuck.

I also ate very well during my recovery (especially with the very decent food at Greenbaum) and felt I probably gained weight, even though I spent a day emptying out everything, and a day doing nothing much but surgery. I ate fruits and vegetables, along with soups and salads for the first few days. I figured I should also eat a little more than usual to help the body heal. I jumped on the scale this morning and found I gained about 5 pounds. I can't really work it off right now, but I figure with time I'll get back down to a more svelte weight.

Day 17 - Home

10:01pm - Blair and I have just boarded the flight home. It's hard to believe that the trip - my own little journey - has finally come to an end.

We said good-bye to Donna this morning as she headed off to work. After walking to lunch, we made our way to Dr. Meltzer's office - Blair for an initial consult, and myself for a little post-surgical exam and one last time to look things over.

Since Blair still needed to fill out paperwork, I was taken back first. Exam room, black robe - the usual. Walking to lunch wore me out so I started taking a nap in the exam room. Linda peeked into the room and woke me up after a few minutes, then Dr. Meltzer came in with Janet.

My list of questions:

- My clitoris seems to be bleeding: He looked it over and said that I probably had some pooled blood or swelling that was finding it's way around some of the incisions around the clitoris. Basically, nothing to worry about and things would get better with time. He said things were healing quite well.

- A patch of skin on my stomach below my belly button was numb: He said that's where he lifted the skin and sensation would return in time. He also pointed out the internal suture that caused the dimple above the mons area. Supposedly there were originally two, but I've only ever noticed the one.

- The last 2 inches (50mm) of dilation seem the hardest: Keep dilating and things will get easier. Janet reiterated that I might lose some depth as the swelling goes down, which I noticed.

- What areas need to be cleared for labiaplasty?: He said they had a diagram, but basically the hair needs to be removed 1cm around the clitoris. Since Amber ended up with a little more hair around her clitoris, my hair zapper zapped a little wider swath around the top of the base of my penis. Since I asked for my clitoris to be a little lower than Amber's, or maybe because her's was a little high to begin with, I definitely have a little more cleared area than 1cm around the clitoris. He said he could cut some of that skin out if needed.

After answering my questions and concerns, we concluded the exam, surgery, and trip with a hug. He tried to give me a hug on his last trip to my room before I was discharged, but I was dilating, so the chair and sitting dynamics didn't work so well.

Afterward, I ended up talking prices with Carol. I have the price for labiaplasty alone, but I wanted to see how much labiaplasty and body contouring around the waist would be, and how much all of that and a breast augmentation would be. It looks like the labiaplasty is around $4,200 with body contouring adding $2,500 - $2,700. The breast augmentation adds almost another $6K so the works would be a quoted $12,745 while just the labiaplasty and body contour work out to about $7,000 at the worst. Based on prices, I'll probably be skipping the boobs yet again. That might be the best since I can have my nose revised again at the same time as doing my boobs. That will give my nose more time to heal since it is still stiff.

Janet and Linda also worked on filling out my state disability forms, which couldn't even be submitted until 9 days after I became disabled. All of this disability stuff sucks, but it's nice being paid while I'm unable to work...and actually, I've already paid for the state part of it with my taxes and stuff, so why not get a piece back of what I've given them.

Our flight out was set for 9:40pm since we weren't sure we could make the 4:50pm flight. There were no other non-stop flights back into home. Robin thought we could make it so we headed to Donna's to pick up the bags while Blair was still being examined.

After picking up Blair, we actually did make it with about 40 minutes before take off, but they wanted almost $100 to change each ticket. So, we just sat around the airport for a while, ate dinner, and did a little souvenir shopping.

Just after eating dinner, I dragged Blair over to a window in order to see the sun slowly descend over the valley mountains, signaling the end of my days in Arizona and the end of a long journey - a journey I thought would remain only a dream.

Day 16 - Casa Dona

9:32pm - Blair and I transferred from the hotel to Casa Doña yesterday. The hotel just worked better while Blair was visiting me in the hospital and gave us more time to explore Old Scottsdale.

Donna and her son, along with Rhiannon were here when we arrived, and Rhiannon was being picked up in a few hours. I was a bit tired, so I napped for a few hours.

Later that night, Donna drove all of us over to In N' Out to get a burger before we caught the Discovery Health Channel's program with San Francisco local, Mikayla, in it. The part where I was filmed in the SF-TEAM meeting was out...like I thought it would be. The show, though, barely seemed to cover much beyond what they did with her the first time. They just kinda updated where she is now.

Donna and I also chatted a while during my stay. We both mentioned that we're attracted to straight girls, and how annoying that paradox can be.

She also mentioned how nice it was to have a lesbian help her explore her new body. She definitely recommended such. I might have to take that advice sometime.

This morning, Donna was kind enough to cook up some French toast before we accompanied her and Linda from Dr. Meltzer's office to purchase small refrigerators for the rooms at Casa Dona. If I visit here in the future, I'll probably need to stock up on a little food before crashing for a few days.

Well, it's been one week today since I started dilating. I've been using the 2T and 2 about once a day for the past few days, but I hadn't been able to achieve "full depth." I'd mainly just get it past the PC muscle for a few minutes after already spending at least 15 minutes with the 1 fully in.

Today, though, I've used the #1 to get things going but switched to the 2 or 2T as soon as possible. I also get them in fairly deep. It looks like my depth has moved closer to about 5" to the vaginal opening. The labia used to add a full inch, but as the swelling goes down, so does the length that it adds. So, the PC muscle actually hasn't been that bad, it's just getting full depth that seems to get me. I've also had some brown colored bits that I assume are small pieces of slothed skin sometimes, but I have usually had a little blood that ends up on the paper towels that I lay down. My clitoris also seems to be bleeding a bit lately. I'm still not sure if I have feeling back in it or not, but I will only know with time.

Day 15 - Thank you, Dr. Meltzer!

    

Saturday - March 05, 2005



10:07am - The good news: I had an orgasm last night.

The bad news: I was asleep for most of it.

I can remember the dream...sorta. It was mainly just me and some anatomical person, but there was no distinct head or appendages, including sexual ones. It was just a locking of two bodies. I woke just as the orgasm was starting, but was groggy for a few moments as it proceeded, so it took a few seconds to realize what was going on. As soon as it finished, I got up and went to the bathroom to check the aftermath, but I didn't really notice anything. Of course, I'm not sure what I was expecting since the boys are gone and there isn't really anything that can come out. I guess I was worried about bleeding or something, I don't know. Perhaps it was just natural instinct to clean up the mess in the bathroom afterwards.

Anyway, I think this was a good sign, even if I wasn't awake to enjoy it much.

When I went back to bed, I wanted to kinda celebrate so I whispered, "Blair, are you awake?"

"Yeah."

"I just had an orgasm." She said something to congratulate me, but I don't remember it since I went back to sleep.

Day 14 - Buster Cottonwood

11:34pm - Blair and I were up early to catch the free breakfast in the hotel, then came back to the room for me to dilate. I showered, then dilated again in order to make lunch with Connie before she flew out. We finally ate at the Salty Senorita across the street from Greenbaum.

We said our good-byes and I became slightly emotional as Blair and I headed to Old Towne Scottsdale to shop around. Ahhh...the hormones are back.

Along our walk, I told Blair that it still felt like I had a huge boner that was causing me to waddle. Huge, as in like 2 feet long or something. OK, so it doesn't feel exactly like a huge boner, but it feels like it is anchored right into my mons/clitoris area. It's all swollen below the surface there - which is where all the pressure is, which makes it feel like something is engorged - like a big boner.

During my shopping, though, I found a nice pair of Kokopelli earrings with a matching necklace, as well as a Refreshing Desert Rain candle to bring back a scent to remember this area by.

As we walked back to the hotel, we went by the Scottsdale Mall as well as the stadium that the San Francisco Giants use for spring training. (You'd think I could get away from these knuckleheads.) A few players were showing up when we walked by, but I had no idea who they were.

I found a message on the hotel room phone when we got back. It was Donna Rose, and she asked if we were interested in dinner with some friends and her son.

I couldn't decline that, so after dilating, reading a few emails, and catching a quick nap, Donna picked us up to take us to dinner. Her passengers included her son and a person I had seen at Greenbaum during her recovery, but whom I had not met yet. Her name was Rhiannon....more on her in a bit.

At the restaurant, we met Dr. Becky Allison and Margaux, as well as their local electrologist, Marcie. So many big names.

I sat on the end near Donna and her son. Donna's a pretty decent conversationalist. It was also kinda fun talking with her son, who comes across as this heavy metal type band member, but he's actually very laid back. I asked him if he used his real name when he was playing in the band Cuss Pig because his real name is not a heavy metal type name. I told him he should come up with a performing name similar to the "porn" name we'd arrived at for Blair. (Using a pet's name for the first name and a street lived on for the last name, Blair's "porn" name is Harley Hobson...which is pretty damn good.) Donna's son mentioned their current pet is Molly.

"That won't work."

Then he mentioned "Buster." So cool. And a street? Well, he says something like North 74th Avenue. Not gonna work. Then he says Cottonwood. Oh yeah...Buster Cottonwood.

When we later talked about Donna's book, she said she had a second version coming out but still couldn't use her son's real name. I told her she should use Buster. We laughed. What's funny is I was almost calling him Buster the rest of the evening.

I also talked to Rhiannon who made big news with her fight with the IRS over her ability to claim SRS as a medical deduction. She just had a little more work with Dr. Meltzer a few days after my SRS and had been recovering at Donna's.

It was nice to get out, but sitting in that chair for a few hours started making my butt and new vagina pretty sore, so we said our good-byes and soon we were being dropped back off at the hotel.

I told Blair I finally came up with a name for that last dilator. Yes, like Amber, I decided to name my dilators just for the fun of it, and it also helps create little code words.

I named #1 Bob. It just seemed like a Bob. Since I'm bi, I also threw in a couple of female names. I thought the tapered #2 would sound like a Rosie, as in O'Donnell - she just seems like a tapered dilator. Since #2 is the biggest leap in size, I named it Arnold...he's the biggest leap lately. I couldn't figure out #3, but I wanted #4 to sound like a female German shot putter, so I named it Helga.

So, #3? Can you see it coming? Yup, I named it Buster. The name just sounded really good for the #3.
   
       

Day 13 - Released

10:11pm - I came in to Greenbaum on the two's (2/22) and I now depart here on the three's (3/3). Blair was over for breakfast after I dilated, and then I started cleaning things up...and getting the flowers that everyone sent all arranged and either placed out at the nurse's station or with Connie who has another day here. I also started packing things into the respective bags. We were originally going to just walk to the hotel, but the hospital policy specifies that I need to be discharged to someone with a car or something. They called Dr. Meltzer's office and just asked Robin to pick me up at the same time as the woman who just had her labiaplasty the day before.

So, shower, dilate, lunch, and then we were gone as fast as I had arrived.

It was nice to finally get reconnected to the web at the hotel. I was deprived for so long.

So, I've moved into trying the 2 or tapered 2 during the midday dilations. I can get it past the PC muscle pretty decent, but there is still quite a bit of pain with it. I also can't get it in too far without a lot of pressure, and since I am ahead of schedule, I figure just getting it past the PC muscle is a bonus. So, I'll typically do at least my 15-20 minutes with #1, and then do a few bonus minutes with 2 or 2T.

Blair's little spot in my journal will be her words of wisdom for today: "I'm never eating a banana in public ever again." I guess a few guys were really intent on watching her eat breakfast this morning.

Tonitght, Blair and I were meeting Connie for dinner. On the way to Greenbaum, we stopped off to pick up the pain killers I'd been prescribed...just in case. I'd previously used Walgreen pharmacies near me...before I changed my name, or perhaps it was because Dr. O had prescribed initial stuff in my old name since I didn't get a new ID until after FFS. Either way, I thought I'd had them update my information this past November with the hairline advancement. Guess not.

I gave the pharmacy guy my license to pick up the stuff that Janet had called in. He finds the item in their shelf system and brings it to the counter. He points to the label and says, "I have you down as [old boy name which can also be a girl's name]."

"Oh, that's my old name."

He looks on the computer, walks back to the counter and then whispers, "We also have you down as male. Would you like me to update your information in our system?"

"Sure."

As he's typing on the computer, he's asking me questions about my current information to make sure it is correct. I pay and he then asks how things are going for me, implying the surgery since they are right next door to the surgical center. I tell him that things are going very well. I ask him if he gets quite a few of us there.

"Oh yeah," then mentions that he's quite worldly and, "Girl, you've got nothing to worry about here."

After that, Connie, Blair, and I ate sushi down at Ra. It was pretty decent, although Amber and my mom seemed to have sub-par food when they ate there last week.

When we went back to Greenbaum to grab Connie before dinner, though, Dr. Meltzer, who was in the front area by the nurses, says, "I saw the rubber duck you got Connie," and grinned. Connie told Dr. Meltzer, Janet, and LaCrista how great it was to have it, and that they should include it with the dilators. How funny.

Day 12 - A New Day

10:08am - I was up a little earlier this morning (I'm not sure how since I always seem to stay up too late) and decided to catch the sun coming up. I grabbed the camera and stepped out on the deck and caught the sun just glimpsing over the distant mountains. The air was crisp, but not cold, and people were shuffling to and from work around the medical campus. I'll miss this place. I will have to say that being away from work for a while is definitely nice, especially with the wonderful weather here in Scottsdale. It's been 'basic shirt' weather with a jacket needed once the sun goes down...very nice, especially for February/March.

I've kinda been waiting around this morning to have the catheter removed. Nici (who unfortunately had to be re-cathetered) just called not long ago and we chatted about dilation and de-catheterization. We laughed about a lot of stuff. When I mentioned the catheter coming out she said, "Ahhh...it's THE day." The nurses this morning said the same thing. Christa, who was cleaning and changing my sheets, etc., and Julie, when I told them the catheter was coming out, both responded with, "It's the big day."

"I thought the big day was last Tuesday?"

"Nah, this is the big day."

I guess it is sorta...now that things have healed a little and all the little tubes in me will be out and I can finally look down and just be me.

I was reading Amber's blog for her de-catheterized day and she mentioned that the nurses needed proof that she had peed. I walked out to the front desk and asked Julie if she needed proof that I had peed or not, and she said she would take my word. "Why would you lie?"

"Well, some people might not like to be re-cathetered."

Julie then said that after 4 hours, they'd be in enough pain to have it re-inserted.

LaCrista, from Dr. Meltzer's office, stopped by while Connie and I were chatting. She had letters for both of us that concerned our irreversible sex change surgery. I also asked her if she knew where Janet was since I was waiting on her for the catheter stuff. It sounds like she is in the office for a few procedures.

11:08pm - I hadn't heard anything out of Janet this morning and with LaCrista mentioning a probable early afternoon visit, I figured I could get my lunch in with Amber and Blair (who'd just arrived via plane) before Amber flew out.

I briefly chatted with Jen who was having labiaplasty after having had vaginoplasty over 20 years ago. Then I was off to dilate before catching a fast shower. After applying my morning layer of Bacitracin, I was off to my local favorite, Port of Subs, to pick up sandwiches for us. As I was approaching the hotel with food in hand, Janet calls to tell me I should come back to get the catheter out. Grrrrrrr..... So, I grudgingly turned around and walked back to Greenbaum. I waited for a while for Janet to make it to my room. Amber and Blair made it to the room before Janet, so they ran off to the deck to eat lunch.

Janet came in about that time and started telling me what she was going to be doing. I laid down on the bed on top of the pad I'd already placed there. She drew about 7cc of liquid from the catheter balloon, then drew a little more residual liquid out of the second line. She then said there would probably be some pain as she slowly drew the catheter out of me. It did hurt for the first part, but then it seemed to slide right out of me. She said I needed to pee as soon as I could, so I walked to the bathroom to sit down on the toilet. I'd drank a little water when I got back to Greenbaum in the hopes of filling my bladder. As soon as I sat down and relaxed, I basically started peeing. Janet walks into the bathroom just as I am relaxing and starts filling up some bottle with water. She moves over to me as I'm peeing and says, "This is a spritz bottle and will help initiate urination." as she sits there spraying me with warm water on my mons area.

I look down and say, "I'm already peeing" and kinda chuckle.

"Good girl," she says in a very surprised voice.

I spray a little warm water and then pat dry. I put my clothes back on and listen to a little more instructions that I've probably since forgotten. Well, darnit, I was ready to eat lunch.

Janet also offered pain meds even though I wasn't really having any pain. I'd heard stories, though, about T's that got home and then started feeling pain, so I took her up on the offer. I figure if I don't have any pain, I'll just use them for electrolysis.

(What's really surprising about the whole peeing thing is that in the past I had a very shy bladder. It was almost impossible for me to use a standing urinal if there was anyone standing to either side of me...especially if there were no barriers. I just couldn't pee with anyone standing around. In places like sports stadiums, it was even harder. If there were people standing in line to use the urinals, I just couldn't seem to pee. I'd have to go to one of the stalls in order to urinate. I don't know why, but the GID could have been a factor with all of it. That's why I was so surprised when I was able to go pee with Janet basically standing there squirting me. Did I finally feel in the right body that I no longer had any anxieties preventing me from peeing with people around...or was I in a hurry to eat lunch?)

"You're wearing jeans?" Amber says as I open the door to the patio to eat lunch.

"Yeah, I tried them on this morning and they fit pretty good." It's nice to get back into my jeans. I guess I just feel more comfortable in them.

I ate a quick lunch with them, then walked back to the hotel before saying our good-byes to Amber. I'll probably see her next week, but it's still hard saying good-bye.

Afterward, Blair and I found Zorba's just south of the hotel and bought Connie a rubber ducky personal massager just like I have. I gave it to her on our return to Greenbaum.

Doriz, a genetic woman who had FFS with Dr. O and whom I'd met at Cocoon this past summer, lives nearby and stopped by to chat for a while. She also brought some fantastic oranges from her backyard. We chatted a little about Dr. O and FFS, as well as my recent surgery here in Scottsdale.

As soon as she departed, though, I crashed for a nap. Tired. All of that walking really wears me out. I got up a bit later, dilated, then we all gathered to head next door to Oregano's for dinner. We (me, Karista, Connie, and Blair) took some pictures with the nurses before leaving.

We waited a while to be seated, but finally were, before ordering two pizzas. As time went on, though, I realized that I hadn't said good-bye to Julie who has taken care of me at least 5 days during my stay at Greenbaum. She has been absolutely fantastic to me and actually has some of that same vibe that Cocoon's Trisha and Mary-Lou have. Although most of the nurses here are pretty decent, there are a few that really stand out. Julie has for me.

I wanted to say good-bye to Julie since she wouldn't be here tomorrow, so since we were waiting on the pizza, I just 'ran' back across the street. I took the elevator up and found Julie busy at work, right before shift change. I told her I wanted to say good-bye and thank her for really taking care of me.

"You're going to make me cry," I told her as tears welled up in my eyes. I'm really going to miss her. We hugged. She walked me to the elevator and said to call them before I come back for labiaplasty. We hugged again and the tears grew bigger. I walked back to dinner...half crying, half drying my eyes before I got back.

After walking back from dinner, I sat with Jen as she was recovering from her labiaplasty. She transitioned so young back in the early 80's - her story is amazing. Even though she was definitely feeling a little woozy from the surgery and drugs, we still had some nice little conversations. It's nice hearing from people who had their SRS over 20 years ago and still have their wits.

Day 11 - I Rub My Ducky

9:00pm - Amber slept most of the night and seemed groggy anytime she was awake. The surgery definitely took a lot out of her. Lisa also had labiaplasty yesterday and spent the night in the room next to me. The sound of her hurling around 8pm last night reminded me that she was there.

Today, though, Robin picked up both Amber and Lisa just after lunch, and Connie (who had her vaginoplasty the day after me) and I rode with them in order to get Amber tucked into the hotel room. We also had an ulterior motive. This gave me a chance to pick up the vibrating ducky in the hotel room as well as put us slightly closer to the sex toy store, which we heard about via word of mouth, just south of Greenbaum. After we had Amber in the room and feeling pretty decent (as decent as she could feel), Connie and I headed out. We made it to North Scottsdale Road, but couldn't see Zorba's south of us, so we headed back to the other sex toy store we found via Yahoo. We couldn't find it, unfortunately. So much walking really wore me out and we rested for a bit in Old Towne Scottsdale. We walked back the rest of the way and then took a well deserved nap. I told Connie on our way back, though, that I'd noticed that doing a lot of walking usually leaves me tight when I do the next dilation.

Sure enough, my 4:45pm dilation was pretty tight. Not fun, but the good side was I now had the little ducky massager. I rubbed it over most of the area (including the bruised areas of my legs) but not too near my clitoris since it is still doing a bit of healing and adhering to the new skin around it. I mainly ran the duck over swollen or slightly bruised areas still on the upper part of my legs. It's definitely nice having it.

Connie and I also went out to dinner for some pizza, along with a visiting Karen. I think one of our conversations turned to hot flashes. Connie mentioned that she had some and I said I had been having them as well. During the day, they've been very subtle such that I didn't notice them too bad, but at night I'll notice them a little more - especially when I'm cold or I've been sweating under the bed sheets. I think it's all a combo of losing the testosterone and regaining the estrogen. Now that I'm off the spiro, though, I'll probably have to re-watch my blood pressure and salt intake.