Thursday, October 30, 2003

Courtney crashes again

It’s late, and Courtney is, yet again, crashed on my bed. Too many Long Island Ice Tea’s.

This morning we stopped by the Cocoon House to look around, then visited Dr. O’s office again so I could view before and after slides of girls who have gone through his FFS. Courtney and I looked through the book and noted the different procedures. Some looked like women...and....some looked feminine, yet still not quite as well as I would like to look. He’s the best in the business, though, and since I am fairly lean in my face, I think he’ll be able to do some pretty good work....well, I hope he can. I put down the deposit and scheduled my surgery for the end of January. What a way to watch the Superbowl, huh?

Claire met us at the office as well. I decided to take them down to Noe Valley for lunch so they could see some of the area around the Cocoon House. After finding a parking spot, we walked down to the restaurants. As we walked along, there were a number of guys just sitting along the sidewalk area at one establishment. They did the leering thing, which made all three of us feel uncomfortable. Anyway, we had a nice economical lunch at a local Chinese restaurant.

I had scheduled voice therapy since I knew I would be off work a little this week. So, they dropped me off then took my car to do a little shopping. The voice therapist and I went over some different ways to work on my voice. She was impressed with my overall range, but the voice still needs a lot of work.

Court and Claire picked me up two hours later, then we grabbed a little ice cream. After that, we dropped Claire off then cruised home to get ready for tonight.

We had reservations for 8pm at AsiaSF. My two roomies, Courtney, and I crammed into my car and cruised up to the city. We were early and waited as the rest of the group showed up. After a while, Aaron, Devonna and her husband, Brandon, Sam, and Vaniity (yes, that's how she spells her name now) finally made their way to the restaurant. We enjoyed some pretty decent food, some lovely Tgirl waitresses, and the hourly shows. I will have to admit, Brandon and Courtney looked pretty good together. As you know, Courtney had a few too many...and since it’s late, I’m headed to bed again.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Courtney crashes

I was planning to work the entire day today since I had my meeting at 9am, and a rather important meeting at 2pm...and I don’t have that much vacation time built up. When I arrived at work, I found out the 2pm meeting had been canceled, so after finishing the work that I needed to get done, I took the afternoon off.

Courtney and I were able to get some fast shopping done. Courtney suggested some prenatal vitamins since my therapist had mentioned for me to start taking a multi-vitamin. I looked at the contents and noted that there is no potassium in them....good, because it’s not recommended while taking spiro. We then came back home to get ready for dinner with the other GenderPeacers. I wore a simple little top and jeans, with my jacket from Nordstrom’s Rack, and my new purse from Macy’s. Courtney and I were able to find parking nearby and were early to dinner at Fino’s. We waited for a while until JoanB showed up, with Tyler not too far behind her. Claire was running a little late, so we decided to be seated and just wait on her from there.

I had angel hair pasta with tomatoes and garlic for dinner. I liked it. The conversation was even better. Courtney started feeling a little happy between her 2nd and 3rd Long Island Ice Tea and made Claire blush when we got on the subject of “exercising”.

I also told the rest of them that I think I had finally decided on my name. Courtney continued to call Scooby a "he" because she thought the name Scooby was a boy name, even though she was presented with a girl dog. My mom couldn’t get past calling Scooby "he" either, and I was always correcting her as well. So, with that, I know I will be going with Kara instead of trying to use the female version of my own name. Now, it’s just picking out a middle name.

Well, Courtney crashed on my bed earlier, and it’s getting late, so I’m off to sleep.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Courtney arrives

Yesterday was pretty packed. I took an early lunch yesterday and went to a book signing of one of my favorite authors. It was so cool finally meeting him in person. He signed a few of my books, then off I went back to work.

After that, I spent a few hours at work trying to get everything done but all I could think about was Courtney arriving later that afternoon. I tracked her flight online to make sure it wasn’t delayed, then headed for the airport. I parked in the short term parking, then hiked over to the baggage area. Right when I made it up to that area, I saw a large crowd had just begun flowing down the stairs. I looked at the current crowd, then flowed with them while checking the group ahead of me as they moved toward her airline’s baggage claim. I circled around the stairs since I didn’t see her, and as I re-approached the stairs, I saw her....a tall blond girl wearing a comfy T-shirt and baggy jeans carrying a backpack.

She didn’t see me as I approached her from behind. She was still considerably ahead of me but I reached her at the baggage claim. I tried calling her number just to be a smart ass, but it didn’t go through, so I just whispered her name. She slowly turned to see who I was.

We hugged.

We dropped her stuff off at my place, then did some brief shopping as we waited for Brandon to make his way up for dinner. She was starving since it was rather late for her. We met Brandon at TGIFridays for dinner about 8pm our time, then crashed back at my place. Since I have a queen sized bed, Courtney and I just slept in it instead of forcing someone to take the couch. I was worried at first since she is rather tall and might “push” me out of bed, but it worked out fine.

This morning, I got up early and went for over 3 hours of electro. After we were done, I met a TS named Rachel who was having “down below” worked on. She looked great...maybe a few inches taller than me, slim, not overly muscular, and a cute face with nice hair. Some of my electrologist’s clients aren’t involved with the T community that much, and simply just get to where they need to be without really making many TS friends. This was one such girl. She had a great GG support group, and was getting to where she needed to be.

Sometimes people ask me why I have my stuff on the web. I guess I am one of those that just likes to help people. I never found any good sites while I was trying to figure all of this TS stuff out, and not until recently have I seen some good ones pop up. If I can add my own story of an early 30 something TS making her way through transition, then maybe someone else down the road will have something to get them through their own journey. Plus, my family and friends can learn a little more about the person they think they never really knew. Some think I have lied to them for a long time...and in a way, I have, but it was to protect them and myself from the rough cruelty that society inflicts on those that are different.

Anyway...back off tangent. After electro, Courtney and I drove up to the city for her to get her X-rays. We stopped off at In-N-Out on the way there, barely making it to the appointment on time. As soon as we walked in, I spotted another TS friend from the young TS group I’ve been to a few times. The girl is like 22, skinny as a rail, and has a father that is going to pay for FFS. Whew, lucky girl. We chatted for a little while, and after getting her X rays, convinced her to look at them before heading over to Dr. O’s. I told her that her bone structure looked a lot like mine and quoted her a price near $40k, but she was hoping for something far less. Between the time Claudia left and Courtney had her X-rays, I was only able to read about 2-3 pages of Middlesex. And people wonder why it takes me so long to read books.

After that, we headed over to Dr. O’s, and like myself before, she got in a little early. I finished a few more pages before Claudia and I struck up another conversation after her consult. My quotation came out about right, and she was a little disappointed. We talked a little more about where she was in her journey, and what the future held for her. I envy her. She’s young and is just finishing college, with a financially-supportive father.

Courtney joined us after her consult with a dollar figure just barely above mine. It appears he raised the rate on two items between our two consultations. We took the conversation rather late in the office waiting area, and I think at one point they were gradually trying to get us to leave.

We grabbed some pizza tonight at one of the local pizza shops. I finally got her to try artichokes on her pizza. She said she wasn’t that impressed, but at least she tried them.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

TGSF Halloween Party

The TGSF Halloween Party was last night, with me going as a vampiress. Brandon enlightened me on where to find some kick ass fangs via I also was able to piece together a little bit of a dark, sexy outfit....sorta Underworld meets Matrix...with the jacket and fangs getting the most attention. Brooke and I both went over together, and I crashed at her place after we were done since I had electrolysis this morning. I was able to get in 3 hours yesterday and 2 this morning.

Anyway, as Brooke, Michelle, and I were standing around outside on the balcony during the party, I saw a falling star behind them. I told them I just saw it, and that I’m living my wishes from a long time in the past. I told them it was a thing that came up plenty in my past, and they said the same thing. Anytime “wishing opportunities” came up in the past, usually “fixing the GID thing in some manner or another” was right there at the top of the list. This ranged from birthday wishes, wishbones, and shooting stars...especially shooting stars.

On the way over, Brooke mentioned that she was finally noticing breast nodules under her nipples. She says because she doesn’t feel pain (I think I mentioned her bike accident before) that she really hadn’t noticed the breasts starting to grow, but that she had felt a little twinge when she bumped it the wrong way. She mentioned the “I’m actually doing this” feeling I’ve also experienced lately. When we ran into Rachel at the party, we talked a little more about her upcoming SRS in January and she too mentioned the same thing, except she’s at a stage quite a ways further down. And, of course, I’m having the same feelings with going full time early in 2004 and having FFS as well.

As we were cleaning up after the party was finished, I stood on a chair and reached up to take down one of the decorations. At that point, I fell out of my tube top. Whoops! Hmm....I’ll have to watch that a little closer next time.

Friday, October 24, 2003

A transsexual walks into a bar. Bartender says...

Kathy called me at work late tonight as I was putting in quite a few extra hours. She sounded like she was in a small room because her voice was resonating. She asks me if I know a local TS and I tell her I do. She says that she is hanging out with two of our friends at the bar one of them works at, and that the TS is at the bar talking with all of them. Kathy is definitely excited while talking to me. I, on the other hand, can’t believe they ran into one another. Kathy is quite joyful and tells me she’s glad I picked up. She was worried I was at electrolysis and not able to talk to her about the current situation. She said our two friends were doing quite well with the TS.

Kathy called me later tonight after I had made it home and told me that our two friends did awesome, and that they were still calling the TS “her” after she left. I guess my TS friend mentioned quite a few things with transition, but never quite fully came out that she was a transsexual. I guess Kathy and her got into a conversation about the whole transition thing. Kathy asked if she had read Millie’s book, how her family was taking it, and if her employer was OK with it all. Since Kathy had met Marina earlier this year, she used Marina as her source of information into the transgender world, and not my name. Our two friends were impressed, and of course inquired more about Marina.

Anyway, Kathy thought our two friends would do OK with my situation. I told her that it’s much easier to meet someone after they have transitioned than a person they knew as one sex changing to another.....but it’s definitely encouraging based on the events from tonight. I told her we just have a few more months to go before we’ll find out.


I was in yet another meeting with a vendor this morning, when she tells me she will be taking a trip to the company I used to work for. She's going there to discuss business and sales stuff.

Unfortunately, I'm out to my old employer...and since it's in a small town in middle America, not all of them responded well. Because my vendor knows that I used to work there, she will probably bring my name up to people that know about me. With the statewide non-discrimination policy going into effect Jan 1, and full time status looming on the horizon, I’m just not going to get this close and have it all taken away from me. Yeah, I'm being totally pessimistic about my job, but you have to walk side by side with reality.

Should I come out to her before she visits my old company, or should I tell my former company to please not mention the TS stuff? My fear is that one of my former co-workers will mention it, and then she would not have heard it directly from me, at which point I am afraid that the news will travel back to my current company.

Well, after talking to Susan this afternoon and Jamie at my old company, they both said what I was thinking....come clean to her because it's going to be harder to shut all of my old coworkers up if my name is mentioned during her visit.

So, I called her late this afternoon and told her I was a transsexual.

She laughed.

I said, "I'm serious."

She said, "You're kidding me."

I said, "no."

She apologized for laughing and then we had a short conversation on the situation. She understood and said she would keep it to herself.

I hate telling people in person, or over the phone. I just don't get good reactions. People need their space when reacting to this situation, and telling them in person just doesn’t give them the room they need to come to grips with it. I prefer telling people via a letter or email, which allows them to respond in any initial manner they choose without hurting me, or thinking that they are hurting me.

What's even worse is when they think I am kidding. I guess I am just doing the guy thing too well. It would be nice once in a while if they would say "oh, yeah, we knew...we were just waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to tell us." Oh well, I guess the positive side is I'm still doing well at acting like a man.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Climbing Mountains

When I think about my journey ahead, it all seems like a dream. It’s still hard to believe that I’ve made it this far and the goal is well within sight. If someone would have told me three years ago where I would be today, I never would have believed them, but inside, I would have known it’s what I wanted.

I was thinking about how I’ll be having surgery with Dr. O early next year and how things will drastically change with my face. And then coming out at work and how that whole fiasco will go. I am so numb to coming out to people that it won’t be anything unusual for me, but all of these people are probably going to be severely shocked.

I also thought about SRS in early 2005 and how I can finally get on with my life with the body that matches my mind. To not have to look down and see a’s just incredible. I can’t imagine actually being all gowned up in the OR and having it done, but yet, I know one day I will be there. I’ll be nervous as hell, but I’ll also be quite happy and probably horribly excited.

I can remember coming home from my first night of upper lip electrolysis and seeing it all swelled up. I stood there looking in the mirror and saying to myself, “You’re actually doing’re actually doing this.” I couldn’t imagine taking all the steps along this journey. Here I am a long way along the path, but just into the foothills with a large mountain still to climb.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Just Rambling

I was out walking Boobers before work this morning and forgot to take my gate key with me. So, instead of walking all the way around, I just hopped the fence. Well, the key phrase should be “TRIED to hop the fence.” I could barely pull my body up to climb over the top. We do push ups in dance class, but I never thought I was this much of a wuss. My muscles still seem pretty big, but they have really turned to mush it feels like.

.....and rambling......

I visited a work vendor yesterday, and finally met someone I had only talked to over the past 2 years. As I was leaving, he said, “I never would have pegged you with a ponytail. I figured you were clean cut.” Oh well...wait until January, right?

....and rambling.

I was in a teleconference meeting this afternoon with another vendor when one guy asked about something he had sent via email.

I said, “What email?” with everyone else just staring at me like I was dumb or something.

The vendor, while looking at his sent email, says, “Whoops, I sent it to everyone but you.”

My coworker pops up, “Always the bridesmaid and never the bride!”

As usual, I just laughed.

Sunday, October 19, 2003


Last night, I multi-tasked on my way through San Francisco and Oakland. I picked up some artwork I purchased from last weekend and then went over to another Open Art showing by a friend. She’s a photographer that I met through Craig’s List about 1.5 years ago. It was one of those coincidental meetings. I was posting on there for something, and ran across her post looking for a transvestite for a photographic project. She didn’t spell transvestite right, so I would never even have seen her post if I hadn’t been posting on there at the same time. Wild. Anyway, I kinda introduced her to some of the TG community and she made a lot of friends and took a lot of good pictures. I hadn’t seen her in quite a while, though, so it was good to catch up with her, although it was only a brief conversation.

After that, I was off to Oakland for the show Pageant being produced in the same place I had the show in May. I knew 4 people in this show who had all been in La Cage. I barely recognized one of them, who before, had not played the part of a woman. It was a fun little comedy about beauty pageants, but all the contestants were played by men. I said hi to a few TS and CD friends, then cruised home. Since I was still full from lunch and had skipped dinner before the show, I went for an oreo cookie shake on the way home. I know.....I know.

Well, it’s just me and Boobers for a few days. Hopefully she doesn’t do anything freaky.

Saturday, October 18, 2003


Well, I tried half a pain killer pill again this morning, but she started working right under the chin, which in the past has really killed me. So, I caved and went for the other half of the pill a little further into the session. Darn.

I worked a little on fixing some of the small items on the TGSF website. I finished about the same time that Brooke did, and I offered to drive her home...or get some lunch. I asked Kelly as well. There was also a young person that stopped by for a consult with my electrologist. She was 22 and just starting to look at things. I told her it was good she was getting started with the electrolysis. I looked at her face and said she had less hair to start with than what I now had with 200 hours. Yep, 200 hours this weekend. Whew, I can’t believe it’s been that many.

Anyway, Brooke, Kelly, and I went for lunch. I was in androg mode with just a T-shirt and jeans, as was Brooke. Kelly, however, changed into a jean camisole while still sporting a full face of hair. Not the best presentation, but oh well. I grabbed a sandwich at a deli, while the other two visited the salad bar. As I was waiting for my sandwich, I noticed a co-worker in the same grocery store. Crap. Luckily, I was in just plain clothes, but the boobs do kinda stick out a little by just wearing a T-shirt. My chin was extremely swollen, though, so a face to face conversation just wouldn’t be good. Luckily, he was a coworker that I really haven’t conversed much with. He was with his wife, and although I know he saw me, he didn’t strike up a conversation. Whew. Unfortunately, sitting or talking to Kelly during lunch while he was still there would not be a good idea. I’d hate to be diagnosed a transsexual by association. When the three of us made it outside to eat lunch, I told them about the situation, and they were quite understanding, so I sat by myself and ate. I told them after I made it to January that I wouldn’t be having these situations. I saw the coworker leave right after I finished my sandwich, and I moved back over to sit with them while they finished their salads.

Friday, October 17, 2003


I stopped by the County Courthouse on my way to work this morning and picked up the necessary paperwork for a legal name change. I also noticed the almost $300 filling fee, which was enough to keep me awake the rest of the morning.

I was looking to check out Middlesex from one of the local libraries, but after finding that most of the copies were all checked out, I ordered a copy of Middlesex from I want to read it so I will be able to relate some of the issues of my own transition to the story that my coworker Robi has already read. I think and hope that she will be one of my strong supporters at work. When I was looking at the library stuff, Robi actually stopped by my desk, but saw me looking at another book. We chatted about books for a second, and I admitted that I had only been able to finish off one book in the past year, although I had started a few. She asked which book, and since it was a T book, I lied and told her I didn’t remember the name. It was actually called Dress Codes: Of Three Girlhoods--My Mother’s, My Father’s, and Mine. I found it pretty boring, until perhaps the last quarter of the book...which is probably why it took so long for me to get through the book. Anyway, the book tells the true story of one TS’ transition, but from the perspective of the daughter. All in all, it was a good story.

Tonite, my electrologist was able to get me in a little early. She wanted to get over to a little BBQ, and said I was invited as well. So, after zapping me into a swollen mess (and hey, I made it through using only half a pain killer pill), we went to dinner. It was me, three post-op TS women, and one of their boyfriends. We had a nice little conversation, that at one point reached one of those uncomfortable points and needed another topic. So, I brought up the name change thing, and all the legalese of the form. I see why some people pay a lawyer to handle it. I just think it’s a conspiracy by lawyers to ensure people have to use them. :) I’ll have to tell my uncle, aunt, and cousin (all lawyers) that the next time I see them. :P

We also had a little conversation on Dr. O. Two of them were Dr. O grads. Neither of them liked their noses and said I should go see one of the local plastic surgeons for my nose. Yeah, the Dr. O nose worries me, but it just sucks having to do two surgeries, pay for two surgeries, and recover from two surgeries when I can do it all in one. I’m hoping my nose just needs small modifications, but I know he will have to do some digging around to fix the deviated septum.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Money, money, money...take 8

I activated the Capitol One card I finally received in the mail. The credit line isn’t as high as I was hoping for, but I hope to call them to see if they can raise it.

Well, since I have felt kinda frazzled in the brain and still fight the stupid constipation with the pain killer pills for electrolysis, I’m going to try just half a pill from now on. It’s going to be hard, but I’m tired of putting up with their side effects.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Pants on Fire

I was on a FFS group on Yahoo yesterday reading some of the posts and looking at pictures. One of the girls had posted some pictures after her surgery and I was not impressed. Sure, from a distance, she looked like a girl, but up close she looked way out of whack. What really bugged me is all of these other T’s were telling her how good she looked. People lie. I know that. But it’s kinda uncool to do that to a person...tell her she looks fine when she doesn’t. Of course, what can you tell a person who doesn’t look natural after going through FFS. I guess that’s the risk we take, though, trying to look natural after FFS, and like a the girl on the inside. Like I have said before, that’s one of my biggest worries about FFS...not looking natural.

Money, money, money...take 7

I was able to sell some of my stocks recently after they made it back up to decent prices. I had one I bought at $14 a share that plummetted down to about $2 before recently coming back up. I sold it at $14.50. I think I made a buck with the commission fees. Another one I sold at $27 after buying it at $24. Nice. The last stock I own I bought a whole lot higher than it is now. I have a sell price attached to it now, and hope it makes it back up there. I might just hang on to it and sell some other stuff.

Today, I was finally able to get some answers on transferring my old 401k account over to my current 401k so that I can borrow from it. Hopefully I can get all of that arranged before having to pay the full amount to Dr. O in January.


In my meeting today, we were discussing the date of a future January. One of my coworkers was thoroughly impressed that I knew which days were what...such as January 2nd being a asking, “How do you know so much about January?” Uhhh...they do make calendars. Actually, I told him, “It’s an inside joke.” How else would you explain....hey, I’ve got a face-to-face meeting set up with HR on January 2nd because I’m a transsexual. And, of course, with AB196 taking effect at midnight on New Year’s Eve, I know a lot about January 1st.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

Meeting Claire

Last week just kinda flew by. Every week I count down the time until my next electrolysis session. It’s pretty pathetic, but truthfully, I live for every time she’s zapping hairs. The more hair that is gone, the better I can be Kara without having to load up the makeup. I’ll be so glad when I can at least go out as Kara without too much makeup and still be called “ma’am.”
Last night, I went to a T dinner in the East Bay. It was a mixture of CD’s and TS. Since I arrived later than most, I was on the table that was last to fill. Actually, I enjoy sitting on those tables because I can meet new people. Although I like to keep up with friends, I also like to make new friends. Rachel and I did sit at the same table, but there were many new people I also met. Rachel and I had a decent conversation as usual. She told me she just turned 40 and was getting on with life. She was able to hang out with her female friends from work, and had a new guy she was seeing....sorta. Since she is currently Miss TGSF 2003, we also talked a little about the Cotillion. She’s having SRS right after it, and I’m looking at having FFS right around the same time. Those are bigs steps for the both of us.

In the program for the dinner, it had a line at the bottom that said all the crossdressers had to use the ladies room downstairs. Rachel explained to me that the city we were in had actually determined that a persons chromosomal makeup determined which bathroom one was to use. I thought she was kidding. I told Rachel, ”I’m not a crossdresser...I’m using the regular bathroom...not the men’s.” She said she was going to use the restroom upstairs or not at all. When I asked the organizer of the dinner, she said that TS could go wherever. So, when the time arose, we were both off to the women’s bathroom. No problem, even though there was a wedding party at the same facility with a lot of people in and out of the bathrooms. Rachel and I actually kidded around about crashing the wedding party just to do a little dancing and have a little fun. As we were leaving, we almost did. There was a bunch of young women that were leaving their party at the same time, though, and they all looked fabulous. Since we were walking right with them, Rachel turns to me and says, “OK, where are we all headed now?” and then chuckled. I laughed as well.

Rachel and I at the dinner. I'm hiding my chin cuz it was a little swollen from electrolysis. ;)

I headed down to a fellow TGSF board member’s place to do a little revision to the TGSF website. We figured out how to add in a link for the 2004 Cotillion. We still have to take care of some of the PayPal issues. After that, I went to the city to catch a CD friend’s open art studio. I told her I wanted one of them. It’s a picture of a park bench in the rain. I guess I have always been one to enjoy the rain. I love running in the rain. Usually, I am the only one out running which makes it very peaceful. I told her I would love to have a picture of me running in the rain, and she actually mentioned that she was interested in taking of pictures of runners in Golden Gate Park while it was raining. We’ll have to coordinate all of that with Mother Nature.

Afterward, I met up with Claire from GenderPeace. A friend from the board mentioned to me that she was really eager to get out, but since she hadn’t been out that much, she preferred to go with someone. Actually, that’s a very wise decision, and I still prefer the buddy system when going out.

So, this was Claire’s first interactive time out in public. She presented very well for only her third time out. I was impressed. We met in the Castro since they have some decent restaurants, and since it’s mainly a gay male population, one usually won’t run into any problems. We talked over some pasta, then fed our sweet toothes (or is it sweet teeth?) at Ben & Jerry’s. She said she was nervous most of the night, but to me she looked very calm and collective.

After talking, we found we were both military brats growing up in different parts of the US. She’s out to two friends, but afraid to tell her parents for fear that they’ll abandon her. I told her it was good to tell them so they can see the baby steps instead of showing up one day and saying “Look Mom, I have boobs.” I also told her, however, that the downside was if one was relying on them financially, or as a financial backup, then it might be best not to tell them. Unfortunately, everyone reacts differently. In the end, I figure she knows her family best, and she’ll do what’s best for her.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003


I walked into work yesterday and the first thing I noticed was my boss cut off all of his dreadlocks (yeah, my boss had cool, huh?). “Oh great!” I thought, “Mark is really going to bash me now that I’m the only one with long hair.” Sure enough, Mark was pretty quick on the draw, but this time it was easily seen well in advance. Today he also made comments about it again. My boss also ganged up by saying I needed to get a motorcycle and a leather outfit to go along with my hair. Mark was quick to point out that I had none of the other characteristics that went along with my longer hair. Stereotypes?

Before work today I voted in California’s recall election. Oooohhh...politics. Well, since Gray Davis signed AB196 adding gender identity to the non discrimination policy of the state, I decided to vote to keep him in office. Unfortunately, tonight they proclaim that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be our next governor. How whacked is that?

Sunday, October 05, 2003


My electrologist was able to squeeze me in last Tuesday when she got back from Europe. I was heading out that weekend, missing my usual appointments, so luckily she was able to get in 2 hours on me. We did the upper lip, and damn, that thing was all swollen up. I iced it Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, and even tried taking Benedryl that morning. Wow...something about the pain killer the night before plus the Benedryl really zonkered me Wednesday morning.

I run a meeting every Wednesday morning, and I knew all eyes would possibly be on my upper lip. Sure enough, a coworker made a comment, “It looks like you’ve been drinking Kool-Aid.”

The only response I could manage at that time was, “My razor and I didn’t get along this morning.” I think they bought it.

Thursday, I flew in to the Midwest for a little Homecoming with old college friends. I flew in girl mode and had no trouble at SFO on the way out. At the gate, the Cal Bears Women’s Soccer Team was flying out as well. These are the type of women I think I would have been if I would have been born a girl. I super envy them. Feminine yet sporty....that’s me. I remember totally being in love with this girl in college. My friends thought I was totally obsessed with her. The thing was....she was the person I thought I should have been. I wanted to live vicariously through her...because she was me if I would have been the right gender in the first place....or even perhaps if I had figured all of this out a bit sooner.

Once I flew into the midwest, I took the shuttle to the car rental place. The lady at the car rental place didn’t even flinch when I handed her my boy license. I have a girl picture ID card, but the driver’s license is still in boy mode. I can’t wait until I get that one fixed.

I went down to Joe and Susan’s for dinner with an old roommate/coworker named Craig, and his wife. This was their first view of me in girl mode, even if it was 8 hours after I got ready. They did well, although the pronouns were pretty hard for them. At least they are trying.

After that, I drove down to the town I used to live in and met up with 3 old friends. I was hoping to see a few more, but a lot of them say they aren’t ready. I was able to chat with Dawn, Cindy, and Sam (whose real name is not Sam, but is way to unique to put on here). We shared a few baskets of chips and salsa while discussing the latest events in their lives, as well as my journey. Sam said (in a half kidding, half not kidding manner) he showed up just to check me out.

Cindy seemed pretty carefree on the topic, but Dawn was very concerned for me. She didn’t want me having any surgeries and was worried about my future. They definitely had a hard time with the pronouns, but at least they showed up to say hey. Dawn and I used to work pretty close together and got along so well that a lot of people seemed to think we were fooling around. We used to have a lot of good conversations that were very thought stimulating...and since both of us were thick skulled, we didn’t back down much. Dawn’s a smart cookie, though, and I know she’s just looking out for me. I did a hypothetical on her though...suggesting that some girls just move away and ditch all their old friends. People who don’t know the T before transition do a lot better just knowing her as a girl instead of seeing their male friend disappear only to be replaced by some girl they don’t really know. She didn’t like that...and said I had better stay in contact with her. I will, trust me.

Friday, Jamie, Joe, and I played golf in the rain. OK, well, we played the first 9 holes without getting wet, but I was so cold and wet on the next 5 holes that I called it a day. Jamie and Joe weren’t that cold, but I was freezing my ass off. Have the hormones made me a captive to the cold? I always used to the be the one who had to turn the thermostat down because I was hot, but I think times have changed. It’s good, I think I might fall in the normal range now.

I drove to my old college after that and met up with some old friends in a bar. I went in girl mode, and they recognized me right away. They said it was easy since I was the only one left who they knew would be sitting down with them. One admitted that he wouldn’t have recognized me if I had just walked by. They did well with the situation, but they were far off on the pronouns.

I participated in another event which I can’t really mention on here, but let’s just say that the college kids were unphased. I went to a party with a mixture of college kids and alum, but in boy mode. As I was leaving, one of the college kids had some fairly affirming words for me...I was impressed.

On Sunday I was back in girl mode. I returned the rental car and found a very warm gentleman eager to help me aboard the shuttle, but I told him I was in no hurry and needed to take care of returning the car still. Inside, I found the same clerk that had checked out the car to me. Great. Anyway, there was another big dude with her, and someone behind the corner who I could hear laughing. The dude around the corner continued to laugh for the better part of my time spent checking in the car. The big dude sorta followed me out and asked me kind questions like “How was your time here?” and “Did the car give you any trouble?” I was the lone person to board the shuttle back to the airport. The driver of this shuttle bus starts up a conversation with the other shuttle (I can only assume the first guy who was very warm in helping me get my bags on the shuttle) about how he saw John Goodman at Hertz within the past hour. The other shuttle driver says something about seeing one of the local pro football players. A third voice breaks into the conversation with “Maybe you will get lucky.” A few minutes later we hear “Did you get lucky?” My driver responds with “What do you mean by that?” Silence. Yeah, I think it was the big dude messing with him since he knew I was TS. The funny thing about all of it was the only person I didn’t feel “discriminated” against was a white guy and the older black gentleman that initially was going to help me with my bags. The rest were minorities. The girl behind the counter was Latina and the big dude was black. It kinda sucks when some of the cultures and races that have been discriminated against for a long time are the ones still discriminating against or making fun of others.

The lady at the airline check-in counter stared long and hard at my girl ID. As I was walking away, I could swear she said “That’s a man” to one of her coworkers. I think I faintly heard “...used to be a man” from her male coworker to correct her.

I used to love picking up people as they arrived into the airport. I am such a people watcher. Now, I’m just limited to people watching when I’m flying. The bad part is, however, I have been flying in girl mode the past several times. It’s a little harder to watch people when they are watching me.

As I approached my gate, I noticed a woman staring heavily at me. I could see her out of the corner of my eye. When she’d stared long enough at me, I stared directly at her...and she’d turn away. I’ve found this method works well with kids as well. When they continually stare, I’ve found staring directly back at them usually gets them to turn which point I usually smile.