And they lived happily ever after

So, a few weeks ago, I was reading Gwen Smith’s blog. She mentioned that this year’s V-Day performances of the Vagina Monologues would include the transgender option from last year’s transgender V-Day performance in LA. At first, I wondered if a transgender group in the San Francisco Bay Area could put something together in time to perform our own version, but I realized I didn’t have enough time for something to come together, nor enough time for myself to be involved with planning it.

I looked online to see if there were any local performances, and found that the University of California - Berkeley was having three performances. I contacted them via email to see if they were having the transgender option. Two people responded that they were. They also mentioned that they were in need of transgender performers and asked if I knew anyone who might be interested.

I passed along the names of Sherilyn Connelly, who I met at the Cotillion when she performed her own spoken word piece, and Gwen Smith, who was very much involved with last year’s performance piece.

Longer story short, Sherilyn and I auditioned for spots in their monologue and got them. I wasn’t sure I was even supposed to audition, but I said what the hell, looked over the script for a few minutes, then read the entire thing as an audition. They appeared to like my rendition well enough to ask me to perform Eve’s transgender monologue this year. Cool. Sherilyn and I will also hopefully be writing our own personal monologues since it appeared that most of the production crew weren’t that impressed with Eve’s T-monologue. They didn’t think it was as personal as others they have had. You see, UC-Berkeley has had transgender performers in the past - regardless if there were transgender monologues or not. So, I guess this will be keeping me busy. The last of their three shows falls just over a week before I have my own vagina.

That still seems to weird to say. Vagina. My vagina. When I look in the mirror and pull my penis to the side and hide it so I can’t see it - cupping it as though it weren’t there - and imagine that there is a vagina there, things seem right. What’s remarkable, though, is that there is this feeling of just being me. Me. And it feels nice, like a warm happy glow. I wonder if that glow - this happy high feeling - exists post-op? I also wonder how reality sets in afterward. Will I grow depressed due to loneliness? I’ve been alone most of my life, but the times I have been in some type of relationship, I have been a lot happier. I have so much I want to do in life, but now I feel hampered by my age and my debt. I can and will work off the debt, but dealing with growing old is something I will just have to deal with. I’d like to deal with it with someone I love - but that is a new bridge I will have to cross.

Phucking cold

    
I’m tired...and way too busy. I just spent the past few days on the East Coast. The frigid East Coast. It was phucking cold. I froze my phucking balls off. OK, for a while longer I can say that. Seriously, the guy on the radio yesterday morning said it was 7 degrees on the wrong side of zero - and that was after it had warmed up a bit. They had a blizzard last weekend, and, of course, since it hadn’t been that warm, most of the snow was still around. The roads, though, were quite clear.

While in the area, I was able to visit with Reise, a good friend I’ve now been able to hang out with twice since visiting her area. Although we are both quite unique, we still share similarities outside our vast differences. She’s one of my few close friends that isn’t hung up on being straight. Like me, she’s open to women, men, and T’s. I think I need more friends like her. :)
   

One Month

    
People ask me if I am nervous or excited. I say yes. I’ve had a variety of people...a fling, a good friend from college, co-workers, other T friends, my grandmother....ask me how I am doing, if I am excited, or nervous. I am doing OK, and yes, I am excited, nervous, worried, anxious....for it to be over, and for it to begin.

One month. I’m exactly 34 and a half years old today. Thirty-four years and six months, four hundred and fourteen months old. It’s flown by, but it’s gone so slowly. And now I have one more month to go. The past 11 months being full time have flown by, and the next one will too, but it will also go as slow as....well, as slow as I want it to go. I’ve stayed busy....busy keeping my mind busy. I probably need to take a day or two off and just think. Or not think. Ponder. Just sit and be one with nothing. To answer the question of who I am. Just to make sure? Why am I looking for a reason not to have it. Nothing says to keep it...well, except for the occasional sexual appetite for a woman. Is that it? Do I only worry about keeping it in case I meet a woman that is into having penetrative sex with a TS? I don’t know. I do like girls. I also like boys, and TS. And yet, I’m just a child dealing with her sexuality. I’m not even comparable to a college student testing out her passionate boundaries of intimacy.

Staying busy....today, I was in a wrap-up meeting for Day of Remembrance 2004. We just sat around discussing what went right, what could be improved, and just chatting in general. We had barbecue and pasta salad that I brought, and a little ice cream to wrap it all up. A few asked how I was doing. Nervous, excited. What else can I say? To go through all of my thoughts, I’d have to write about a zillion pages. Or well, I can say what I have summarized before...on my trip with Amber during her SRS last summer: SRS is the best available option at having a fulfilling life. Yes, it is the only option outside of an orchiectomy or keeping it, but I’m done worrying about having it. I wish I didn’t have to go thru the mess of obtaining it...of spending a lot of my lifetime savings, of going through the pain, the swelling, of having to dilate, of having to worry about surgical complications....worrying how I will feel 20 years from now about a decision I’m making today.

Too much thinking. I’m off to party.

Gay Fish

    

I attended a presentation tonight by biologist Joan Roughgarden, author of Evolution’s Rainbow: Diversity, Gender, and Sexuality in Nature and People. She led off with a profile that the BBC put together which was fairly interesting. I guess I wanted to hear more about the sexual diversity in the animal world more than the rest of it though. We did hear about a little of some topics, but just not enough of the why...which probably can’t be answered. I do like her theory about sexual selection which totally sets aside what Darwin says. She also mentioned that she had more than 300 separate cases where homosexuality exists in nature, but none of it is taught in our general science classes, of course. No one wants to tell their kids that nature also has cases of homosexuality because, well, if nature has it, then maybe all the humans doing it might not be all that bad, huh?

Anyway, one day I will have to pick up her book and read it. Maybe I can also get an autograph since we both have the same zapper.

Louisiana

....finally passed their anti-gay marriage crap today. That’s too bad. Bigotry still seems to reign supreme in the US. And we call ourselves one of the greatest nations, yet here we are one of the worst when it comes to granting equal rights. I guess I am just a second class citizen.

OK, so why am I so upset with this marriage thing still? So, here’s another argument. People say that gay people should just get civil unions. What happens when they provide their civil union paperwork to HR or somewhere to apply for benefits for their partner? Will they be discriminated against when they don’t have their marriage certificate but have their gay civil union?

Louisiana has decided, though, that a couple can’t even get a civil union, or anything even remotely similar. If you aren’t a straight man and woman, forget about having any type of legal relationship.

Ironically, Louisiana still allows one to change the sex marker on their birth certificate. I know this because I was looking at it online today. Why? Because I was born in Louisiana. I’m trying to dig up what I will need to do after SRS to obtain a new birth certificate when I have a letter from my surgeon that says I have had irreversible sex reassignment surgery. Looks like I had better get it done as soon as possible after SRS in case they decide to take away that right as well.

Always the bridesmaid and never the bride

Well, the Cotillion is finally over. I’ve spent quite a bit of time over the past month or so getting ready for it. I made a few items for the attire sections, practiced my dance routine in my living room, shopped for some of the outfits, and put together some of the publicity for it.

This year’s theme was ‘Back to the 80’s’ which is OK for a theme...but I was in school for most of those years....well, actually, all of them...grade, middle, high, and part of college. The active wear section had a ‘Raider’s of the Lost Ark’ theme and the formal wear section had a ‘Cheers’ theme.


So, for the active wear, I put together my own little Tomb Raider of Golden Gate Park outfit complete with black boots; tight black shorts; Lara Croft guns I found on ebay; holsters that I made from black straps, clips, coat hangers, and some vinyl; sun glasses that rode on the end of my nose; and a black T-shirt a friend gave me that says ‘Sorry, I don’t do boys’ on the front. The guns and holsters were the only thing I had to buy or construct for the outfit. My write up included the Tomb Raider of Golden Gate Park bit, causing Doom in a Temple of love, and Searching for the Holy Girl.


For the formal wear, I kept it simple. I found this dress online at Macy’s that I really wanted, but when I went to the store to look in person, they didn’t have my typical size...an 8. I found a 6 and thought, “What the hell....try it on and see how tight it is.” Well, after zipping it up and putting my arms thru the straps, it seemed to fit OK. Awesome! I made a wrap to sorta match the colors simply because I couldn’t find anything else that was even close to the same color.

For the talent section, I incorporated most of the dance routine I learned this past semester in dance class, but spent a day watching old Michael Jackson videos to add in a little more. For the outfit, I wore a little black sports bra, black pants, white socks that I sprayed with glitter, black dance shoes, a black hat I obtained at a New Year’s Eve party from years past, and a black sweater coat just like Claire used to wear. I danced to Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal.

So, the results. Well, I won both the formal and active wear. I had a lot of fun in those sections...and probably because I have worked on my posture, walking, and general grace...especially with the dance classes...those two sections came easy to me.

I placed second in the interview, just behind the first place person by a fraction of a point. This section we actually did the week before, and it was weighted the highest.

My poorest performances came in talent presentation and the final question. I actually thought I did OK in my presentation with the little dance number, but I came in last. After talking to one of the judges via email, it appears they were looking for more personal presentations...something from the heart. Each judge is going to look for different things during the presentation. Last year, I think I grabbed second in presentation with a dance number that was worse than this year....but this year, the judges were looking for something different. I also messed up a number of times this year, but I think it was still better than last year. The rehearsal went a lot smoother, but, of course, it didn’t count.

My final question...which I’d hoped to study for again this year, but didn’t because I stayed up way too late Friday night messing with my hair...really bit me in the ass again. This year, I was first and had the question, “How would being Ms. TGSF change your life?” I just sat there for a few seconds wondering how it would. To be honest, it wouldn’t really change my life...that I know of. I guess that sounds a bit arrogant, but I currently do outreach and I go to a lot of the functions...as well as participate on the Ex-Com. The only thing it would increase would be the social functions I would have to attend. I’m already reaching out to people via a support group and outreach activities. It took me two days to figure out a good response to that question....I wouldn’t know how I would change. Would any of us? All we can do is go out there and be ourselves...grow with time...learn lessons that life throws at us, and just be there when people need us. Otherwise, no one really knows the future and what might lie ahead of us. So, I wouldn’t know how being Ms. TGSF would change me, but I would be there ready to grow through the experience.

Anyway, I was slightly behind in points before the final question, and when the eventual Ms. TGSF answered her question, I knew she had won. I gave her as much of a congratulations as I could without saying she won backstage before they announced the winner. I still held out hope, but I knew that she most likely won.

As we stood there in the wings waiting for the final tally, I chatted with Rachel, Ms. TGSF 2003. She had her SRS about a year ago and has done well at moving back into society. She’s a little bit older than me, but she looks great. I mentioned my upcoming SRS and told her some of the things I mentioned with my therapist and the little voice asking if I am sure. She looked at me and said, “Oh honey, there’s no question.” She wanted to know if I was having doubts, but I told her I just wanted to be sure....that I was making sure there wasn’t something I was overlooking. It was kinda strange discussing that right at the pinnacle of the Cotillion, on the verge of finding out who won, sorta like a pitcher and catcher discussing dinner on the mound during the bottom of the 9th inning of a baseball game.

Although I won’t say that I didn’t want to win, I will have to say that I wanted to win more last year than I did this year. So, I’m the First Runner Up two years in a row. The first place loser. That’s kinda been a theme all of my life. At least I got more pink flowers out of it...and shared some of them with the other contestants.

After the event, I crashed back in my hotel room with a previously planned call in for pizza delivery with a few friends in attendance. I had spent the past month or so dieting...making it down to about 134 from 142. I’m even holding OK in the mid 130’s today...which seems like a pretty decent weight. I’d like to be lighter, but let’s see how this weight goes for a while. The hard part is not going immediately off this diet in favor of foods I haven’t had the past month. I think I have knocked bad snacks out of my diet in the short term, though. Plus, I’d like to remain in very decent shape for SRS.

Speaking of SRS, my credit card payment finally went thru last Tuesday. It appears that the credit card company didn’t like that $16,000+ transaction going through without some type of approval from me. Dr. Meltzer’s staff emailed me on the 6th concerning the release needed for the credit card transaction, but I didn’t get the message until after their closing hour. I had the transaction OK’d for that Friday, but forgot that Dr. Meltzer’s office is closed on Fridays. So, a few days later, we finally cleared it all up and I am now paid for.

I also rounded up the last of my over-the-counter meds for SRS by picking up the Arnica Montana at GNC yesterday afternoon. I still have to put together a list of everything I will need, and still need to review the list Amber has on her site.

Enough with the boobs already

I visited with my therapist this afternoon and had the typical round of questions. SRS is next month and I asked her about what dose of hormones I should switch to after surgery. Because the body no longer has to fight testosterone, a lower dosage of estrogen is needed to maintain and continue the feminizing effect. Therefore, she’ll be dropping me from 5mg per day to 1.25 mg per day. She sent in the prescription today so I can take the new prescription with me for SRS. I also get to stop the dang spiro after SRS.

I also asked her if I needed to set up something with a GYN soon in case I needed a checkup immediately following my return. She says I should just stay in contact with the surgeon if things go awry.

I also told her that I talked to the surgeon’s office about breast implants and my concern about the incision around the nipple. I showed her my incision from the trachea shave and how half of it is good and the other half has a bit of a ridge. She said my incision looked great, but you know, I don’t want to see any incision of any type on my breast. She also said the incision under my chin was in an area with extra skin, but that one on my breast would be stretched out a bit more and would look OK. Still, I don’t want it there.

Lastly, I told her I had that tiny little voice in the back of my mind that was asking, “Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?” and “Will I regret this 20 years from now?”

SRS feels right, but I let her know that I still have that little voice that wants to make sure this is absolutely the right decision. The thing is, I’ll probably always have that little voice up until I do this.

Incision Indecision

I talked to Dr. Meltzer’s staff today concerning the breast augmentation. I asked them about the armpit incision versus the nipple incision. They said that Dr. Meltzer prefers the nipple incision because he can place the implant much better in that manner, and it’s a smaller incision. They said that the armpit incision leaves the implant further on the outside of the chest (which is probably the case due to just having a larger chest than a genetic girl). They said the nipple incision leaves a less visible scar than the armpit incision, which would be visible any time I raised my arm while wearing a sleeveless top.

I also told them about my scars not healing up quite as well as other people’s....thus my concern for putting a scar right in the middle of the breast, something I find to be quite beautiful without having to notice a huge scar.

Because I’m often concerned when I hear about surgeons making the implants too big, I told them I preferred a more natural shape and a smaller size than some. I told her I didn’t want porn star boobs. The funniest thing she told me was that “Dr. Meltzer is not a big boob man.” We both laughed with that comment. She said he does a good job of keeping them fairly reasonable. I told her I’m fairly athletic like Dr. Meltzer and that I wouldn’t want them too big with my activities. She said that would be a good thing to mention to Dr. Meltzer during a consult.

We discussed costs and a few other items, but since I was still torn between the arm pit incision and the nipple incision, and did not really want to just go in blind with the nipple incision, I told her I would put off the possibility of a breast aug until June at the earliest, but that I would discuss it with Dr. Meltzer when I had my pre-surgical consult next month. Luckily, I believe there is still time to do the BA during my labiaplasty later this year.

Gung Hey Fat Choy

So, I have continued to waver back and forth on having breast augmentation at the same time as SRS. I have some questions I’d like to have answered first, such as:

Can the incision through the arm pit or belly button be performed?

Does he use textured or smooth implants?

What sizes of implants are there?

I’m only thinking 200cc per breast with the incision through the armpit. This past weekend I measured out 200cc of water into two ziploc bags. I placed them in an unpadded bra and took a look at the results. The size looked pretty decent on me, simply because I do already have a little there, and it would simply help accentuate what I do have. I read online, though, that I should use rice in pantyhose to get a better approximation since the baggies can’t give a good idea based on their odd size. They also suggested using a sports bra to compress it since it would likely be under the muscle. Because the bags slightly leaked, there was no way I was going to put the extra pressure on them.

The rice looks about the same as the water in the baggies, and it was lumpy as well. So, 200cc should be just fine for me.

I met a TS porn star a few months ago, and emailed back and forth with her a while back. I emailed her again this past weekend asking about her implants since she is similar in size to me. She said she had 290cc and went through the armpit. She wasn’t too keen on the areola incision either, although a friend of hers had it and she couldn’t see the incision.

I had dinner two days ago with the friend of mine who had the trachea shave the same day as my hairline advancement. Her scar is minimal, yet mine is still quite present...and mine is approaching a year. Although I don’t keloid, my scars never seem to heal that well. With that information, I’m definitely not doing the areola incision.

I also talked to Courtney this weekend and brought up my dilemma of the breast augmentation. She went through the nipple and although lost some sensation early on, said that she regained it in time. She also said she went with 490cc per breast. Wow!!! That’s huge. She’s basically walking around with a liter on her chest. She’d have more in one boob than I’d have in two.

And, finally, to round out today’s entry....I heard, even though the Chinese New Year is next month, that 2005 is the year of the rooster. Since I was in San Francisco this past weekend, I heard somewhere that it was being called the 'Year of the Cock'...obviously for it’s sexual connotation.

Great. Year of the Cock.....and I get mine inverted.

The check is in the mail

I mailed my payment for SRS today. All sixteen some odd thousand dollars. Fun.

Basically, though, I’m paying the same amount for my new vagina that I paid for my car 10 years ago. Car, vagina....I wonder which one will get the most mileage? :P

Although meager in comparison, I also made a donation of $100 to the tsunami survivors a few days ago. Even if everyone in the US donated one dollar, we’d still be able to raise almost $300 million.

The tragedy is just unreal. We thought 9/11 was bad, but this could end up being a hundred times worse.

Does everyone live in a closet?

I spent last evening with a male friend. We hung out at Diva’s, and although we are not romantically linked, I was still hoping he would kiss me when the new year rang in.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. He knew me before transition, so the image of me as a guy will probably always be in the back of his mind somewhere.

As we were driving home, though, we talked a little about the men who visit Diva’s. Chaser’s are a complicated group of men. Some of them like T’s to have anal intercourse with them, and others like to have anal intercourse with T’s. Oral sex is also a factor for both.

Unfortunately, most of the men that frequent Diva’s are married men who are trying to live out their fantasies. The girls there are typically working girls who charge a fee for the sexual act.

Most of these guys are not looking for a relationship, and basically just want to find someone to have casual sex with...for free, if possible.

The San Francisco Chronicle actually ran a story recently on Diva’s and the men who frequent it. So many of these men, though, are afraid to come out of their own closet. They’re afraid of being labeled gay or something.

Even the guy I was out with admits that he’s not out to any of his family about the type of women he likes. He is, unlike many of the other men, though, seeking a long term relationship...and he's a fairly nice guy.

He asked me who I’d prefer to end up with: a genetic girl, a man, or another T. I told him I’d probably prefer to end up with another T because I’m attracted to girls and we’d both share a history few will ever experience or understand.

Since I knew he wasn’t into men, I asked him if he’d prefer to end up with a genetic girl or a T. He said he would prefer to end up with a girl, even though he admitted that he wouldn’t mind having a long term relationship with a T. If he dated a T, though, he said she would have to be basically living stealth and would not be out to any of his family.

Why are people so afraid to just own up to who they are? Do we all risk being alone - outcast to the friends and family that we have? Well, being gay or liking T’s still allows you to walk around as your regular self, but being T puts everything on the outside. One can’t just walk around as a guy one day and a girl the next without people noticing. I think many people don’t understand how hard it is being T - being yourself and laying everything out on the line - and the things we go through in trying to be ourselves.