Thursday, January 06, 2005

Enough with the boobs already

I visited with my therapist this afternoon and had the typical round of questions. SRS is next month and I asked her about what dose of hormones I should switch to after surgery. Because the body no longer has to fight testosterone, a lower dosage of estrogen is needed to maintain and continue the feminizing effect. Therefore, she’ll be dropping me from 5mg per day to 1.25 mg per day. She sent in the prescription today so I can take the new prescription with me for SRS. I also get to stop the dang spiro after SRS.

I also asked her if I needed to set up something with a GYN soon in case I needed a checkup immediately following my return. She says I should just stay in contact with the surgeon if things go awry.

I also told her that I talked to the surgeon’s office about breast implants and my concern about the incision around the nipple. I showed her my incision from the trachea shave and how half of it is good and the other half has a bit of a ridge. She said my incision looked great, but you know, I don’t want to see any incision of any type on my breast. She also said the incision under my chin was in an area with extra skin, but that one on my breast would be stretched out a bit more and would look OK. Still, I don’t want it there.

Lastly, I told her I had that tiny little voice in the back of my mind that was asking, “Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?” and “Will I regret this 20 years from now?”

SRS feels right, but I let her know that I still have that little voice that wants to make sure this is absolutely the right decision. The thing is, I’ll probably always have that little voice up until I do this.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Incision Indecision

I talked to Dr. Meltzer’s staff today concerning the breast augmentation. I asked them about the armpit incision versus the nipple incision. They said that Dr. Meltzer prefers the nipple incision because he can place the implant much better in that manner, and it’s a smaller incision. They said that the armpit incision leaves the implant further on the outside of the chest (which is probably the case due to just having a larger chest than a genetic girl). They said the nipple incision leaves a less visible scar than the armpit incision, which would be visible any time I raised my arm while wearing a sleeveless top.

I also told them about my scars not healing up quite as well as other people’s....thus my concern for putting a scar right in the middle of the breast, something I find to be quite beautiful without having to notice a huge scar.

Because I’m often concerned when I hear about surgeons making the implants too big, I told them I preferred a more natural shape and a smaller size than some. I told her I didn’t want porn star boobs. The funniest thing she told me was that “Dr. Meltzer is not a big boob man.” We both laughed with that comment. She said he does a good job of keeping them fairly reasonable. I told her I’m fairly athletic like Dr. Meltzer and that I wouldn’t want them too big with my activities. She said that would be a good thing to mention to Dr. Meltzer during a consult.

We discussed costs and a few other items, but since I was still torn between the arm pit incision and the nipple incision, and did not really want to just go in blind with the nipple incision, I told her I would put off the possibility of a breast aug until June at the earliest, but that I would discuss it with Dr. Meltzer when I had my pre-surgical consult next month. Luckily, I believe there is still time to do the BA during my labiaplasty later this year.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Gung Hey Fat Choy

So, I have continued to waver back and forth on having breast augmentation at the same time as SRS. I have some questions I’d like to have answered first, such as:

Can the incision through the arm pit or belly button be performed?

Does he use textured or smooth implants?

What sizes of implants are there?

I’m only thinking 200cc per breast with the incision through the armpit. This past weekend I measured out 200cc of water into two ziploc bags. I placed them in an unpadded bra and took a look at the results. The size looked pretty decent on me, simply because I do already have a little there, and it would simply help accentuate what I do have. I read online, though, that I should use rice in pantyhose to get a better approximation since the baggies can’t give a good idea based on their odd size. They also suggested using a sports bra to compress it since it would likely be under the muscle. Because the bags slightly leaked, there was no way I was going to put the extra pressure on them.

The rice looks about the same as the water in the baggies, and it was lumpy as well. So, 200cc should be just fine for me.

I met a TS porn star a few months ago, and emailed back and forth with her a while back. I emailed her again this past weekend asking about her implants since she is similar in size to me. She said she had 290cc and went through the armpit. She wasn’t too keen on the areola incision either, although a friend of hers had it and she couldn’t see the incision.

I had dinner two days ago with the friend of mine who had the trachea shave the same day as my hairline advancement. Her scar is minimal, yet mine is still quite present...and mine is approaching a year. Although I don’t keloid, my scars never seem to heal that well. With that information, I’m definitely not doing the areola incision.

I also talked to Courtney this weekend and brought up my dilemma of the breast augmentation. She went through the nipple and although lost some sensation early on, said that she regained it in time. She also said she went with 490cc per breast. Wow!!! That’s huge. She’s basically walking around with a liter on her chest. She’d have more in one boob than I’d have in two.

And, finally, to round out today’s entry....I heard, even though the Chinese New Year is next month, that 2005 is the year of the rooster. Since I was in San Francisco this past weekend, I heard somewhere that it was being called the 'Year of the Cock'...obviously for it’s sexual connotation.

Great. Year of the Cock.....and I get mine inverted.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

The check is in the mail

I mailed my payment for SRS today. All sixteen some odd thousand dollars. Fun.

Basically, though, I’m paying the same amount for my new vagina that I paid for my car 10 years ago. Car, vagina....I wonder which one will get the most mileage? :P

Although meager in comparison, I also made a donation of $100 to the tsunami survivors a few days ago. Even if everyone in the US donated one dollar, we’d still be able to raise almost $300 million.

The tragedy is just unreal. We thought 9/11 was bad, but this could end up being a hundred times worse.

Does everyone live in a closet?

I spent last evening with a male friend. We hung out at Diva’s, and although we are not romantically linked, I was still hoping he would kiss me when the new year rang in.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. He knew me before transition, so the image of me as a guy will probably always be in the back of his mind somewhere.

As we were driving home, though, we talked a little about the men who visit Diva’s. Chaser’s are a complicated group of men. Some of them like T’s to have anal intercourse with them, and others like to have anal intercourse with T’s. Oral sex is also a factor for both.

Unfortunately, most of the men that frequent Diva’s are married men who are trying to live out their fantasies. The girls there are typically working girls who charge a fee for the sexual act.

Most of these guys are not looking for a relationship, and basically just want to find someone to have casual sex with...for free, if possible.

The San Francisco Chronicle actually ran a story recently on Diva’s and the men who frequent it. So many of these men, though, are afraid to come out of their own closet. They’re afraid of being labeled gay or something.

Even the guy I was out with admits that he’s not out to any of his family about the type of women he likes. He is, unlike many of the other men, though, seeking a long term relationship...and he's a fairly nice guy.

He asked me who I’d prefer to end up with: a genetic girl, a man, or another T. I told him I’d probably prefer to end up with another T because I’m attracted to girls and we’d both share a history few will ever experience or understand.

Since I knew he wasn’t into men, I asked him if he’d prefer to end up with a genetic girl or a T. He said he would prefer to end up with a girl, even though he admitted that he wouldn’t mind having a long term relationship with a T. If he dated a T, though, he said she would have to be basically living stealth and would not be out to any of his family.

Why are people so afraid to just own up to who they are? Do we all risk being alone - outcast to the friends and family that we have? Well, being gay or liking T’s still allows you to walk around as your regular self, but being T puts everything on the outside. One can’t just walk around as a guy one day and a girl the next without people noticing. I think many people don’t understand how hard it is being T - being yourself and laying everything out on the line - and the things we go through in trying to be ourselves.