One Month

    
People ask me if I am nervous or excited. I say yes. I’ve had a variety of people...a fling, a good friend from college, co-workers, other T friends, my grandmother....ask me how I am doing, if I am excited, or nervous. I am doing OK, and yes, I am excited, nervous, worried, anxious....for it to be over, and for it to begin.

One month. I’m exactly 34 and a half years old today. Thirty-four years and six months, four hundred and fourteen months old. It’s flown by, but it’s gone so slowly. And now I have one more month to go. The past 11 months being full time have flown by, and the next one will too, but it will also go as slow as....well, as slow as I want it to go. I’ve stayed busy....busy keeping my mind busy. I probably need to take a day or two off and just think. Or not think. Ponder. Just sit and be one with nothing. To answer the question of who I am. Just to make sure? Why am I looking for a reason not to have it. Nothing says to keep it...well, except for the occasional sexual appetite for a woman. Is that it? Do I only worry about keeping it in case I meet a woman that is into having penetrative sex with a TS? I don’t know. I do like girls. I also like boys, and TS. And yet, I’m just a child dealing with her sexuality. I’m not even comparable to a college student testing out her passionate boundaries of intimacy.

Staying busy....today, I was in a wrap-up meeting for Day of Remembrance 2004. We just sat around discussing what went right, what could be improved, and just chatting in general. We had barbecue and pasta salad that I brought, and a little ice cream to wrap it all up. A few asked how I was doing. Nervous, excited. What else can I say? To go through all of my thoughts, I’d have to write about a zillion pages. Or well, I can say what I have summarized before...on my trip with Amber during her SRS last summer: SRS is the best available option at having a fulfilling life. Yes, it is the only option outside of an orchiectomy or keeping it, but I’m done worrying about having it. I wish I didn’t have to go thru the mess of obtaining it...of spending a lot of my lifetime savings, of going through the pain, the swelling, of having to dilate, of having to worry about surgical complications....worrying how I will feel 20 years from now about a decision I’m making today.

Too much thinking. I’m off to party.