In what seems like a weekly episode, Mark the coworker sneaked up on me in my cube and pretended to cut off my ponytail. I told him he’d be in big trouble if he did. Then came another of his interesting comments: “Why don’t you cut your hair and be a guy again?”
"Whoa," I thought, can you be more blunt. After the quick second he caught me off guard, I just laughed.
Speaking of being distracted, I brought up the lack-of-focus issue with my therapist yesterday. She suggested making work a haven, and try to stay focused. I’m trying. It’s just so damn hard to do. I’m trying to put in extra hours to get caught up, but the extra load over the past couple of months has made it hard. I’ll get through it, hopefully with my job intact. Speaking of the job, we have pay raises next week, and maybe bonuses later this year. Awesome. With a good performance review, it seems like it would be harder to fire me for non-TS issues. Yeah right.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Candy Coated
Inside the past two weeks I had an internet friend ask me if I was in the U R Not Alone chat room. I told her I wasn’t. She said she saw me there but didn’t think it was me after a series of questions directed to this person. Friday night, I got an email from some guy who said he talked to me in the same chat room and blah blah blah thought I was attractive. Thanks.
So, I decided to visit this chat room and see if I could spot the poser. Sure enough, Saturday night after a busy day, I spotted this fake Kara hanging out in the room. I confronted her and basically proved to the rest of the group that she was a fake. I think I scared her off pretty fast, that, or she was headed out to a club. It sounded like she wanted others to join her. The club name and address she gave was in the Sunset area. I would have loved to have gone there to see who she was, but it was getting a bit late, and it was not the shortest drive. Plus, I didn’t have backup.
Anyway, I talked with the people in the room a bit more about who this impostor was. She claimed that she/I was a champion shoplifter and stole from Bloomingdales. Oh....great. Well, I guess, to a degree, it is sort of flattering to have someone posing as me, but I find it more annoying.
Yesterday I was at a shared birthday party with friends. There were a number of women there, one of which knows about me, but the others don’t. They just know me as a guy. Anyway, one of them was talking about her outfit and how she now liked the sheer 3/4 sleeve shirts over a tank of some sort. She said that was her look now...I told her it was mine, too. God, I love those little ironic foreshadowing comments, and Kathy kinda chuckled when I said it. I don’t know how to describe them exactly. Is there a word? It’s the ones where you play on what they have said, but in a TS manner they just don’t get now. I mean, when I said “it’s mine, too’, she just thought I was being sarcastic, but in actuality, I was basically stating the truth.
The first person I ever came out to was a woman I used to participate in some sports with. I’d known her for about 6 months before I came out to her. We got along pretty decent for 6 more months, but we found that we just couldn’t get along. I was a bit sarcastic, and I think the T thing was just too hard on her. I think she liked the boy, and hated to see him go as I began the initial phases of transition. Anyway, she formed her own little sports group for women, and has been doing quite well with it. After looking over her website one day, I noticed a picture of a T I knew. Wow, small world. My friend and I had emailed each other once in a while, and when I emailed her again, I asked how everything was going. She emailed me back the usual stuff, and that she thought she had an MTF with her group, and possibly two. She asked if I knew them. Well, being the truthful person I am, I said yes.
So, she had invited me to a party for her group today. I went to say hi since I hadn’t actually seen her in over a year and a half. Of course, both of the TS I knew were there, but I didn’t think they were out to that group. When talking with my friend there, she said that after discussing the topic with a friend, she found out the entire group knew they were TS, but obviously hadn’t confronted them about it. OK, how to handle this situation? Do I just brush them off like I don’t know them, or just say hi and introduce myself to them as my boyself. I don’t think they had ever seen me in boymode, so I wasn’t sure they would recognize me. I’m a fairly social person, so I wanted to at least say hi. So, I waited for a while, then with my friend standing next to me, she introduces me as K then Kara. My T friend then denied even knowing me. So, I dropped any conversation right away, and tried to get my friend away as well.
I got a phone call from the TS tonite. She asked if I had outed them to my friend, and I told her that she already knew...and in fact, the entire group already knew. She also told me that she had no idea who I was initially, but eventually figured it out. We then had a conversation on how hard it is for people when a person they knew transitions from one sex to the other, but it’s so easy when they meet the person as their new gender, and never knew them as the old person. It’s also far less confusing for them since they don’t have to worry about messing up pronouns since they will have always known them as “she.”
Finally, this afternoon I was rotating the tires on my car. My dad would shoot me if he knew that they hadn’t been rotated in two years. Anyway, here’s me in jeans, a t-shirt, and running shoes, wearing a floppy ponytail. I had heard someone else making noise on their car, too, when about halfway thru my endeavor, a guy starts to approach me. I had my side/back to him, but quickly turned once I saw him. He struck up a conversation that he was rotating his tires, too, and wondered if I needed any type of help. I said I was ok with my one jack and jack stand. I wondered if he thought I was a girl initially, or perhaps he was just a friendly individual. It’s one of those things were I’d love to just ask him why he came up to say hi to me:
A. Thought I was a girl
B. Just being friendly
C. Don’t know
D. All of the above.
So, I decided to visit this chat room and see if I could spot the poser. Sure enough, Saturday night after a busy day, I spotted this fake Kara hanging out in the room. I confronted her and basically proved to the rest of the group that she was a fake. I think I scared her off pretty fast, that, or she was headed out to a club. It sounded like she wanted others to join her. The club name and address she gave was in the Sunset area. I would have loved to have gone there to see who she was, but it was getting a bit late, and it was not the shortest drive. Plus, I didn’t have backup.
Anyway, I talked with the people in the room a bit more about who this impostor was. She claimed that she/I was a champion shoplifter and stole from Bloomingdales. Oh....great. Well, I guess, to a degree, it is sort of flattering to have someone posing as me, but I find it more annoying.
Yesterday I was at a shared birthday party with friends. There were a number of women there, one of which knows about me, but the others don’t. They just know me as a guy. Anyway, one of them was talking about her outfit and how she now liked the sheer 3/4 sleeve shirts over a tank of some sort. She said that was her look now...I told her it was mine, too. God, I love those little ironic foreshadowing comments, and Kathy kinda chuckled when I said it. I don’t know how to describe them exactly. Is there a word? It’s the ones where you play on what they have said, but in a TS manner they just don’t get now. I mean, when I said “it’s mine, too’, she just thought I was being sarcastic, but in actuality, I was basically stating the truth.
The first person I ever came out to was a woman I used to participate in some sports with. I’d known her for about 6 months before I came out to her. We got along pretty decent for 6 more months, but we found that we just couldn’t get along. I was a bit sarcastic, and I think the T thing was just too hard on her. I think she liked the boy, and hated to see him go as I began the initial phases of transition. Anyway, she formed her own little sports group for women, and has been doing quite well with it. After looking over her website one day, I noticed a picture of a T I knew. Wow, small world. My friend and I had emailed each other once in a while, and when I emailed her again, I asked how everything was going. She emailed me back the usual stuff, and that she thought she had an MTF with her group, and possibly two. She asked if I knew them. Well, being the truthful person I am, I said yes.
So, she had invited me to a party for her group today. I went to say hi since I hadn’t actually seen her in over a year and a half. Of course, both of the TS I knew were there, but I didn’t think they were out to that group. When talking with my friend there, she said that after discussing the topic with a friend, she found out the entire group knew they were TS, but obviously hadn’t confronted them about it. OK, how to handle this situation? Do I just brush them off like I don’t know them, or just say hi and introduce myself to them as my boyself. I don’t think they had ever seen me in boymode, so I wasn’t sure they would recognize me. I’m a fairly social person, so I wanted to at least say hi. So, I waited for a while, then with my friend standing next to me, she introduces me as K then Kara. My T friend then denied even knowing me. So, I dropped any conversation right away, and tried to get my friend away as well.
I got a phone call from the TS tonite. She asked if I had outed them to my friend, and I told her that she already knew...and in fact, the entire group already knew. She also told me that she had no idea who I was initially, but eventually figured it out. We then had a conversation on how hard it is for people when a person they knew transitions from one sex to the other, but it’s so easy when they meet the person as their new gender, and never knew them as the old person. It’s also far less confusing for them since they don’t have to worry about messing up pronouns since they will have always known them as “she.”
Finally, this afternoon I was rotating the tires on my car. My dad would shoot me if he knew that they hadn’t been rotated in two years. Anyway, here’s me in jeans, a t-shirt, and running shoes, wearing a floppy ponytail. I had heard someone else making noise on their car, too, when about halfway thru my endeavor, a guy starts to approach me. I had my side/back to him, but quickly turned once I saw him. He struck up a conversation that he was rotating his tires, too, and wondered if I needed any type of help. I said I was ok with my one jack and jack stand. I wondered if he thought I was a girl initially, or perhaps he was just a friendly individual. It’s one of those things were I’d love to just ask him why he came up to say hi to me:
A. Thought I was a girl
B. Just being friendly
C. Don’t know
D. All of the above.
Thursday, July 24, 2003
Three's company
Mira called me yesterday. I’m set for a consult with Dr. O in September. Yeah!
Tonite I went out with Brandon and Vanity, but I was in boymode. That girl just has this aura about her. The way she walks, talks, moves, laughs, smiles.
We had sushi and then headed for the movie. V mentioned she was an 8 with her birthday on the 26th. I’m a 4 on the 22nd. She’ll have to tell you what all of that means.
Once we were in the theater, I decided to stop by the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to get up during the movie. V said she would as well. When I turned the corner inside the Men’s bathroom, I caught a glimpse of V right behind me. She went pretty much all the way in before I kicked her out. She was laughing, as was I, but that would have been worse if there was some guy standing at the urinal. But if a guy were there, he probably wouldn’t have cared. There was a guy that came in afterward, and he was all smiles.
We watched Charlie’s Angels, and although I am not a huge fan of Drew, I did enjoy seeing Lucy and Demi. That story and a lot of the action scenes are just way too fake...maybe funny, I guess, but not very real.
After the movie, V realized she’d lost her book, so we spent some time tracking it down. I took some pics of her and Brandon, then again had to remind her not to forget her book. I swear...where would she be without us. That girl needs a serious personal assistant. :) She’s such a kid. I envy her energy.
Finally, AB196 passed in the California Senate today. Now it heads to the Governor, who just happens to be fighting thru a recall election. Damn those Republicans. Hopefully Gray will sign off on it, or just not veto it, which would allow it to pass into law after so many days of sitting on his desk. Cross your fingers.
Tonite I went out with Brandon and Vanity, but I was in boymode. That girl just has this aura about her. The way she walks, talks, moves, laughs, smiles.
We had sushi and then headed for the movie. V mentioned she was an 8 with her birthday on the 26th. I’m a 4 on the 22nd. She’ll have to tell you what all of that means.
Once we were in the theater, I decided to stop by the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to get up during the movie. V said she would as well. When I turned the corner inside the Men’s bathroom, I caught a glimpse of V right behind me. She went pretty much all the way in before I kicked her out. She was laughing, as was I, but that would have been worse if there was some guy standing at the urinal. But if a guy were there, he probably wouldn’t have cared. There was a guy that came in afterward, and he was all smiles.
We watched Charlie’s Angels, and although I am not a huge fan of Drew, I did enjoy seeing Lucy and Demi. That story and a lot of the action scenes are just way too fake...maybe funny, I guess, but not very real.
After the movie, V realized she’d lost her book, so we spent some time tracking it down. I took some pics of her and Brandon, then again had to remind her not to forget her book. I swear...where would she be without us. That girl needs a serious personal assistant. :) She’s such a kid. I envy her energy.
Finally, AB196 passed in the California Senate today. Now it heads to the Governor, who just happens to be fighting thru a recall election. Damn those Republicans. Hopefully Gray will sign off on it, or just not veto it, which would allow it to pass into law after so many days of sitting on his desk. Cross your fingers.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Thirty-three
Today started out a little different from the normal. I woke up and realized that I’d had a wet dream. I couldn’t believe it. I haven’t had one of those since like college...last century. Although Junior doesn’t work very well anymore, I guess there is enough stuff functioning to leave it’s mark. I’m still amazed that I had it. I mean, I remember the dream, but I never thought, well, that it would be that much of a problem again. Come on, I haven’t had morning wood since I started the spiro and premarin, and then this rears it’s ugly face. OK, well, I’ll admit the dream was nice, just....well....messy. I almost thought about not writing about it in here, but hell, I’m pretty much out there, so I might as well share.
I also had another dream that I remembered from last night, but along a significantly different line of thinking. I was in a women’s clothing store picking some stuff out, and a coworker was in there as well. She recognized me and wondered what I was doing in there. I think I said I was buying something for me. I’m not out at work, so I can see myself having these types of dreams. All of my life up until last year when I came out to my family I had dreams that they would catch me dressing up. Those all came to a screeching halt when I came out to them. Since work is one of my last places to come out, I can see how that subject is rattling around in my brain.
A question I like to ask other T’s is how they see themselves when they dream. Most of them seem to lie to me and tell me they always saw themselves as a woman in their sleeping dreams. I say that’s bull shit. I see myself in my dreams pretty much as I see myself in the mirror, although often in my dreams I am just a dark reflection without much definition. Only a few times can I actually remember dreaming where I was a full-on woman. Those are the best, but so few and far between.
So, I spent many attempts today trying to call Dr. O’s office. I tried this morning a few times to reach Mira, but she was usually on the phone with someone else. Finally, she calls me at 11:45am as I am riding with my coworkers who are taking me out to lunch since it’s my birthday. Oh, yeah, happy birthday. Number 29....uuuuhhhhh...ok, number 33. Anyway, I tried contacting Mira a few more times, but she never called me back. How depressing....I really wanted to talk to her today. It would have really made my day.
Well, I called my friend Marina up when I got home to see if she was interested in going to Trannyshack tonite. She said yes. Cool.
So, after doing a nice 3 mile run, I got ready. With my sister, Dad, and Mom calling to wish me a happy birthday, I was a little behind schedule (nothing new). Anyway, Marina and I hung out at Trannyshack for a little while, not because we were trannies, but simply because I knew it would be a safe environment. I didn’t want to cause any trouble at a regular bar, especially when I haven’t been out much in general anyway. The really nice thing about tonite was I enjoyed two rounds of drinks on the house, and I didn’t have to do anything special. The bartender just said “On the house”....twice. Of course, they were only sodas, but to help out my ego, let’s just say it’s cuz I was one of the pretty girls. Phbbttt, yeah right! OK, it was probably because they were only sodas and we were the draw for the club that night. The bar becomes packed with gays and straights in the late hours before the drag show, and to have a bunch of trannies there just makes the place that much more unique. It’s funny, I’ve never stuck around long enough to watch the drag show.
"Marina, guess what today is?" I asked after returning with the drinks.
"Your birthday?" she guesses.
"Yep."
"It better not be!" she announces. I think she would have wanted to do more for me since it was my birthday, but I just wanted someone to hang out with...in some place I could be me...safely.
Marina and I also talked a little about being T in San Francisco. Sure, it is a great place to transition, but it is horrible for passing. There are just too many T’s in the area that everyone knows when there is one around. There are girls who do pass though....quite well.
I then drove home, but to celebrate on my own, I had an Oreo Cookie Ice Cream Bar. Those things are incredible.
I’ve always hated getting older, and being T makes it worse. When I was talking to my parents tonite, I said I felt like I was getting old, but they said I was still young. My dad wished he was 33 again. But what’s really hard to explain to anyone who isn’t T is that a part of me never got to grow up correctly. Part of me is stuck as a teenager, and she never got to grow up like a normal girl. Now, she’s living in a mostly male body that’s 33 years old. She’ll never have her childhood. My mom said “you’re only as old as you feel,” and I said, “Yeah, but I feel like I’m 16.” It’s just so hard to communicate the lost childhood that a lot of T’s experience.
I also had another dream that I remembered from last night, but along a significantly different line of thinking. I was in a women’s clothing store picking some stuff out, and a coworker was in there as well. She recognized me and wondered what I was doing in there. I think I said I was buying something for me. I’m not out at work, so I can see myself having these types of dreams. All of my life up until last year when I came out to my family I had dreams that they would catch me dressing up. Those all came to a screeching halt when I came out to them. Since work is one of my last places to come out, I can see how that subject is rattling around in my brain.
A question I like to ask other T’s is how they see themselves when they dream. Most of them seem to lie to me and tell me they always saw themselves as a woman in their sleeping dreams. I say that’s bull shit. I see myself in my dreams pretty much as I see myself in the mirror, although often in my dreams I am just a dark reflection without much definition. Only a few times can I actually remember dreaming where I was a full-on woman. Those are the best, but so few and far between.
So, I spent many attempts today trying to call Dr. O’s office. I tried this morning a few times to reach Mira, but she was usually on the phone with someone else. Finally, she calls me at 11:45am as I am riding with my coworkers who are taking me out to lunch since it’s my birthday. Oh, yeah, happy birthday. Number 29....uuuuhhhhh...ok, number 33. Anyway, I tried contacting Mira a few more times, but she never called me back. How depressing....I really wanted to talk to her today. It would have really made my day.
Well, I called my friend Marina up when I got home to see if she was interested in going to Trannyshack tonite. She said yes. Cool.
So, after doing a nice 3 mile run, I got ready. With my sister, Dad, and Mom calling to wish me a happy birthday, I was a little behind schedule (nothing new). Anyway, Marina and I hung out at Trannyshack for a little while, not because we were trannies, but simply because I knew it would be a safe environment. I didn’t want to cause any trouble at a regular bar, especially when I haven’t been out much in general anyway. The really nice thing about tonite was I enjoyed two rounds of drinks on the house, and I didn’t have to do anything special. The bartender just said “On the house”....twice. Of course, they were only sodas, but to help out my ego, let’s just say it’s cuz I was one of the pretty girls. Phbbttt, yeah right! OK, it was probably because they were only sodas and we were the draw for the club that night. The bar becomes packed with gays and straights in the late hours before the drag show, and to have a bunch of trannies there just makes the place that much more unique. It’s funny, I’ve never stuck around long enough to watch the drag show.
"Marina, guess what today is?" I asked after returning with the drinks.
"Your birthday?" she guesses.
"Yep."
"It better not be!" she announces. I think she would have wanted to do more for me since it was my birthday, but I just wanted someone to hang out with...in some place I could be me...safely.
Marina and I also talked a little about being T in San Francisco. Sure, it is a great place to transition, but it is horrible for passing. There are just too many T’s in the area that everyone knows when there is one around. There are girls who do pass though....quite well.
I then drove home, but to celebrate on my own, I had an Oreo Cookie Ice Cream Bar. Those things are incredible.
I’ve always hated getting older, and being T makes it worse. When I was talking to my parents tonite, I said I felt like I was getting old, but they said I was still young. My dad wished he was 33 again. But what’s really hard to explain to anyone who isn’t T is that a part of me never got to grow up correctly. Part of me is stuck as a teenager, and she never got to grow up like a normal girl. Now, she’s living in a mostly male body that’s 33 years old. She’ll never have her childhood. My mom said “you’re only as old as you feel,” and I said, “Yeah, but I feel like I’m 16.” It’s just so hard to communicate the lost childhood that a lot of T’s experience.
Sunday, July 20, 2003
At the movies
Whew, what a last few days. My electrologist was able to get me in on Wednesday night and Friday night. We spent 2 hours on the upper lip, then 4 hours Friday night. Needless to say, I was quite swollen on my upper lip after the Wednesday night session. I did ice and Motrin that night, then again in the morning before heading to work. My second session ever of electrolysis was across my upper lip on a school night with severe swelling the following day. I had to make up more lies. My coworker noticed it and gave me a kinda lost puppy look while pointing to his own upper lip. I told him I took an elbow while playing sports the previous day. Luckily, I did play sports the day before, but I didn’t take an elbow to my upper lip. Over time, I have found that people will accept about any excuse you give them...except the TS one.
So, this time I prepared a different excuse. Ummm...let’s see...uhh...”You’ll never believe this, but I was under my computer desk plugging in my dang camera and when I came back up, I banged my mouth....and believe it or not, I entirely missed my nose.” OK, well no one actually noticed my upper lip, so I didn’t have to use the excuse.
Friday night, though, wow! She worked from my lower lip down to my chin and stripped it all. I was severely swollen. Now, I already have a nice pouty look, but this was extreme. Ice, ice, ice and Motrin!!! Well, it was the weekend, but I was headed to a wedding on Saturday, and I really wanted to look decent. My chin has really slimmed down with the hormones over the past 11 months, which really helps with passing.
So, Saturday was the wedding, although it wasn’t your totally normal wedding. It was a transsexual wedding. I called Kathy the weekend before to see if she wanted to go, and she of course said yes. How many people ever get to go to a transsexual wedding? One bride wore a beautiful white dress, while the other bride wore a tux. They both looked absolutely radiant.
During the reception, I met 2 TS from Sacramento that were a riot. Sabrina and Diane were so hilarious and fun to chat with. They were a bright light amongst a lot of the darkness I see with the TG/TS community. So many TS get down and depressed, but these two were so full of life. I’m sure they have gone thru their spells as well, but that day they were able to simply be themselves. It’s amazing how I find myself doing that too. When I am forced to present totally as a guy, my attitude is just horrible, but when I am free to be me, I’m a much happier person. It’s also becoming harder and harder to present as that guy that I’m not, but I do it to keep my job. That may be different soon, though.
This morning has already been different as well. Have you ever wondered how events just seem to connect themselves? For example, my roomies are out of town, so I took their dog out for a walk. I was out at a local park and I see two guys kinda working out. I’ve seen them over the past 2 weeks or so. So, I’m out walking the dog and she takes this humongous dump. Good, I had a baggie along and cleaned it up, then threw the bag in the trash. Well, I gave the dog more food in her bowl last night cuz I wasn’t sure if she had been fed on Saturday, and down near the end of our walk, she takes another huge dump. Damn! So, being the earth-conscious person I am, I walk back to the doggie station and grab another bag to clean it up, then back to her landmine that she left. So, I’ve doubled back, but by doing so, I am now walking directly behind these two guys. One is telling the other one how to move and some posture tips....hey, whatever, ya know. Both of them look like they are pretty fit, especially the younger one, but even the older one is decent. So, here I am wondering if the younger one is like a 49er or something, maybe a football player, because I can just feel an aura coming off of them. Well, I am walking right behind them, but keeping the freaky dog at a safe distance (the dog gets whacked sometimes), and they get to their cars. Well, the older one turns around, and it’s Danny Glover. So cool. I know there are a bunch of actors and famous people out in this area, but I’d never really seen them. Supposedly, SF people do well with celebrities and don’t really bother them. Another funny thing is that I thought I remembered his birthday being around mine, and sure enough, when I got home and looked it up, his birthday is Tuesday just like mine. Maybe I’ll leave him a card or something. :)
After walking the dog (jeez, that sounds so perverted), I went for a nice run. When I got home and made myself the usual Chex bowl of cereal, I turned the ol’ boob tube on. They had the classic Star Trek on (yeah, I admit it, I’m a trekkie) and it was the episode where Cap’n Kirk and a woman switched bodies, but not to Jim’s liking. Oh, poor Jim, if only he were a transsexual he would be ok with it. I can remember watching this as a kid and so much wanting it to happen to me as well. I think that’s when I started putting all of the TS thing off as a fantasy, and not something I could actually achieve. I thought I was the only one out there, and well, since being a girl must be a fantasy straight out of a Star Trek episode, I tried being a guy in most of reality. Funny, though, they had the movie Junior on after Star Trek. It's about a man pregnant with a baby.
So, this time I prepared a different excuse. Ummm...let’s see...uhh...”You’ll never believe this, but I was under my computer desk plugging in my dang camera and when I came back up, I banged my mouth....and believe it or not, I entirely missed my nose.” OK, well no one actually noticed my upper lip, so I didn’t have to use the excuse.
Friday night, though, wow! She worked from my lower lip down to my chin and stripped it all. I was severely swollen. Now, I already have a nice pouty look, but this was extreme. Ice, ice, ice and Motrin!!! Well, it was the weekend, but I was headed to a wedding on Saturday, and I really wanted to look decent. My chin has really slimmed down with the hormones over the past 11 months, which really helps with passing.
So, Saturday was the wedding, although it wasn’t your totally normal wedding. It was a transsexual wedding. I called Kathy the weekend before to see if she wanted to go, and she of course said yes. How many people ever get to go to a transsexual wedding? One bride wore a beautiful white dress, while the other bride wore a tux. They both looked absolutely radiant.
During the reception, I met 2 TS from Sacramento that were a riot. Sabrina and Diane were so hilarious and fun to chat with. They were a bright light amongst a lot of the darkness I see with the TG/TS community. So many TS get down and depressed, but these two were so full of life. I’m sure they have gone thru their spells as well, but that day they were able to simply be themselves. It’s amazing how I find myself doing that too. When I am forced to present totally as a guy, my attitude is just horrible, but when I am free to be me, I’m a much happier person. It’s also becoming harder and harder to present as that guy that I’m not, but I do it to keep my job. That may be different soon, though.
This morning has already been different as well. Have you ever wondered how events just seem to connect themselves? For example, my roomies are out of town, so I took their dog out for a walk. I was out at a local park and I see two guys kinda working out. I’ve seen them over the past 2 weeks or so. So, I’m out walking the dog and she takes this humongous dump. Good, I had a baggie along and cleaned it up, then threw the bag in the trash. Well, I gave the dog more food in her bowl last night cuz I wasn’t sure if she had been fed on Saturday, and down near the end of our walk, she takes another huge dump. Damn! So, being the earth-conscious person I am, I walk back to the doggie station and grab another bag to clean it up, then back to her landmine that she left. So, I’ve doubled back, but by doing so, I am now walking directly behind these two guys. One is telling the other one how to move and some posture tips....hey, whatever, ya know. Both of them look like they are pretty fit, especially the younger one, but even the older one is decent. So, here I am wondering if the younger one is like a 49er or something, maybe a football player, because I can just feel an aura coming off of them. Well, I am walking right behind them, but keeping the freaky dog at a safe distance (the dog gets whacked sometimes), and they get to their cars. Well, the older one turns around, and it’s Danny Glover. So cool. I know there are a bunch of actors and famous people out in this area, but I’d never really seen them. Supposedly, SF people do well with celebrities and don’t really bother them. Another funny thing is that I thought I remembered his birthday being around mine, and sure enough, when I got home and looked it up, his birthday is Tuesday just like mine. Maybe I’ll leave him a card or something. :)
After walking the dog (jeez, that sounds so perverted), I went for a nice run. When I got home and made myself the usual Chex bowl of cereal, I turned the ol’ boob tube on. They had the classic Star Trek on (yeah, I admit it, I’m a trekkie) and it was the episode where Cap’n Kirk and a woman switched bodies, but not to Jim’s liking. Oh, poor Jim, if only he were a transsexual he would be ok with it. I can remember watching this as a kid and so much wanting it to happen to me as well. I think that’s when I started putting all of the TS thing off as a fantasy, and not something I could actually achieve. I thought I was the only one out there, and well, since being a girl must be a fantasy straight out of a Star Trek episode, I tried being a guy in most of reality. Funny, though, they had the movie Junior on after Star Trek. It's about a man pregnant with a baby.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
Mark
Mark, my friend at work that always makes the good comments, had another one today. He’s had the “Where are you going with this?” comment about my hair, told me that “5’5” is pretty short for a guy...perfect for a girl”, and “You are a chick!” after I told him that I had never seen Caddyshack all the way thru.
Over the past 2 years I have been wearing long sleeve shirts or sweat shirts to work since my workplace in the SF Bay area doesn’t get that warm. So, Mark has made comments to me before about why I wear long sleeve shirts. I say they look professional. My immediate boss will occasionally wear what appears to be a pair of boxers and a T-shirt. So, when that question comes up about me wearing long sleeve button ups, I just want to respond “well, they look more professional than the pajamas you wore in to work today."
So, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to start wearing short sleeve button ups. So, a few days after wearing the short sleeve shirts, he stops by my cubicle and notices that my arms are shaved. He turns his head upwards and says “you shave your arms, you shave your legs, and you have long hair....hmmmmm” as he scratches his chin.
Yesterday he stops by my cubicle again and during a conversation, he brings up my hair again. He says “Where are you going with this?” This question again? So, I answered with a question. “Where do you think I am going?” He was about to say something when I kinda cut him off. Oh well, he’ll find out soon enough.....if he doesn’t already know.
Over the past 2 years I have been wearing long sleeve shirts or sweat shirts to work since my workplace in the SF Bay area doesn’t get that warm. So, Mark has made comments to me before about why I wear long sleeve shirts. I say they look professional. My immediate boss will occasionally wear what appears to be a pair of boxers and a T-shirt. So, when that question comes up about me wearing long sleeve button ups, I just want to respond “well, they look more professional than the pajamas you wore in to work today."
So, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to start wearing short sleeve button ups. So, a few days after wearing the short sleeve shirts, he stops by my cubicle and notices that my arms are shaved. He turns his head upwards and says “you shave your arms, you shave your legs, and you have long hair....hmmmmm” as he scratches his chin.
Yesterday he stops by my cubicle again and during a conversation, he brings up my hair again. He says “Where are you going with this?” This question again? So, I answered with a question. “Where do you think I am going?” He was about to say something when I kinda cut him off. Oh well, he’ll find out soon enough.....if he doesn’t already know.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Life is a highway
I was getting ready in girl mode tonite for a young TS support group meeting in the South Bay, when I got a phone call. It was my electrologist calling to say she was headed home. She wondered if I wanted to get some extra hours in this week. Hell Yes!!! I had been moping around for 3 weeks without getting zapped, and that news just made my day. So cool.
The meeting went well, with 7 of us listening to a 35 year old post-op tell us about her last 10 years. She was 8 years post-op. She looked great, but her voice needed some serious work. Oh well. What she mentioned was stuff I had run into as well. She talked about how when she was transitioning she was the youngest and smallest, and had a hard time relating to the girls that were much older and taller. I know that it takes everyone different times to come out to themselves, and it took me a while too. I’m probably slightly under the average, but by how much, I’m not sure. I know the average age for FTM’s is much lower than MTF’s in transition. But there are different issues with someone who is single and in their twenties or early 30’s to someone who was married with kids and over 40...but they are still my sisters, and I have learned a lot from them. That was my first time at this meeting, and found it very refreshing to see people more around my age.
I stopped at In-N-Out on the way home and decided to go in to order. That was one of the first times I’ve gone to a mainstream place on my own while in girl mode...well, besides the entire trip home in girl mode. Most other times I always went in at least pairs or thru the drive thru. When I reached the main door, I almost turned away and thought about going thru the drive thru....but I just threw open the door and walked in. I’m tired of hiding.
On the way down to the meeting tonite, though, I was driving along on the highway when a guy in a truck starts honking at me. He kept looking at me and tried to get my attention. I just kinda blew him off. Of course, being a pessimist, I think he can tell that I am TS, or I just don’t want him to figure it out. Sure, I do ok from about 20 feet and out, but ya never know.
When I rode with Rachel this past weekend to GAPA's Runway Pageant we had two guys on the way up and two guys on the way back that kept honking at us. The ones on the way up spotted Rachel and her blond hair. They were both just staring away as I saw them coming up alongside her in the view of the rearview mirror. The passenger dug out his camera and took a picture. Of course, Rachel started posing...and the car started drifting over into the other lane. "RACHEL!!! Don’t have an accident!!!" She steered us back into the lane and kinda chuckled. Oh yeah, she loves it. I’ll admit it’s pretty cool, but I’m just getting used to it. OK, let’s face it...Rachel drives a hot car, is blonde, and looks pretty damn good. I asked her if this happened often, and she kinda laughed and said “yeah” in the most angelistic manner she could.
On the way home, we had 2 guys in a hatchback spot us again. This time they started out on my side, and began honking, then slowly moved around to Rachel’s side. We were on city streets, then went to the highway. They kept following and honking that dang horn. No wonder so many people have accidents. So, right before we got to a major highway interchange, she veers off to the other route, leaving them all alone on the original highway. Eh, it was better for them this way.
The meeting went well, with 7 of us listening to a 35 year old post-op tell us about her last 10 years. She was 8 years post-op. She looked great, but her voice needed some serious work. Oh well. What she mentioned was stuff I had run into as well. She talked about how when she was transitioning she was the youngest and smallest, and had a hard time relating to the girls that were much older and taller. I know that it takes everyone different times to come out to themselves, and it took me a while too. I’m probably slightly under the average, but by how much, I’m not sure. I know the average age for FTM’s is much lower than MTF’s in transition. But there are different issues with someone who is single and in their twenties or early 30’s to someone who was married with kids and over 40...but they are still my sisters, and I have learned a lot from them. That was my first time at this meeting, and found it very refreshing to see people more around my age.
I stopped at In-N-Out on the way home and decided to go in to order. That was one of the first times I’ve gone to a mainstream place on my own while in girl mode...well, besides the entire trip home in girl mode. Most other times I always went in at least pairs or thru the drive thru. When I reached the main door, I almost turned away and thought about going thru the drive thru....but I just threw open the door and walked in. I’m tired of hiding.
On the way down to the meeting tonite, though, I was driving along on the highway when a guy in a truck starts honking at me. He kept looking at me and tried to get my attention. I just kinda blew him off. Of course, being a pessimist, I think he can tell that I am TS, or I just don’t want him to figure it out. Sure, I do ok from about 20 feet and out, but ya never know.
When I rode with Rachel this past weekend to GAPA's Runway Pageant we had two guys on the way up and two guys on the way back that kept honking at us. The ones on the way up spotted Rachel and her blond hair. They were both just staring away as I saw them coming up alongside her in the view of the rearview mirror. The passenger dug out his camera and took a picture. Of course, Rachel started posing...and the car started drifting over into the other lane. "RACHEL!!! Don’t have an accident!!!" She steered us back into the lane and kinda chuckled. Oh yeah, she loves it. I’ll admit it’s pretty cool, but I’m just getting used to it. OK, let’s face it...Rachel drives a hot car, is blonde, and looks pretty damn good. I asked her if this happened often, and she kinda laughed and said “yeah” in the most angelistic manner she could.
On the way home, we had 2 guys in a hatchback spot us again. This time they started out on my side, and began honking, then slowly moved around to Rachel’s side. We were on city streets, then went to the highway. They kept following and honking that dang horn. No wonder so many people have accidents. So, right before we got to a major highway interchange, she veers off to the other route, leaving them all alone on the original highway. Eh, it was better for them this way.
Monday, July 14, 2003
Expectations
I got an email from Courtney today saying she was still fighting some of the same bad feelings. Then she said she was going to tell her ex-gf and best friend tonite. Whoa! That’s pretty big for Court. She’s about a year ahead of me in transition, but still isn’t out to her family and some of her closest friends. I realize telling your family is hard, especially when you love them so much and are afraid to lose them, or when you fear the outcome will not be to your liking. I called her as I was getting out of work, and she was totally happy. Her ex-gf was totally accepting...and she received a letter for SRS. Wow...goods things were happening after such a miserable spell for her.
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Driveways are not for driving
I talked to Courtney tonite. She sounded really depressed, and was sitting in her driveway while talking to me...fighting thru tears. She’s finding it very hard to put forth the image that everyone sees and restricts her from being herself. I go thru the same stuff every day at work while projecting male and being someone I am not...someone I never was. It’s not that being male sucks, it’s just not the person I am.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Father knows best.
Dad and I had a good talk on the night he picked me up at the airport when I flew in on the 1st, though. We probably spent close to 2-3 hours talking about my situation. He expressed some of the same concerns that my sister shared with me. They both basically thought that I had become friends with the TG community, and had been influenced by a group of transsexuals to transition. (Hey, the mind comes up with some tricky stuff.) They both want me to go see a therapist that does not specialize in gender issues. Initially, I told my sister I would go see any accredited therapist she wanted me to see, on one condition...she had to go, too. She took this as an attack on herself and responded that she didn’t have any problems and didn’t need therapy. Well, it’s more of an attempt for them to hear what those therapists will say. Those therapists are most likely going to say either that I am a transsexual, or that I need to go see a therapist that specializes in gender identity concerns. My dad wants me to see a therapist in an area where we used to live. I think I will accomodate my dad, but will make the same request...my sister or my dad has to go with me.
My dad also expressed some of the general concerns he has for me. He fears for my safety, my career, and that people will discriminate against me. His fears are justified, as I share them as well, but I told him that not surprisingly, the prettier you are as a girl, the better you do in society. It’s just a fact of how life is screwed up. Our conversation ended on a good note, though, when he said the decisions I was making were probably for the best.
My dad also expressed some of the general concerns he has for me. He fears for my safety, my career, and that people will discriminate against me. His fears are justified, as I share them as well, but I told him that not surprisingly, the prettier you are as a girl, the better you do in society. It’s just a fact of how life is screwed up. Our conversation ended on a good note, though, when he said the decisions I was making were probably for the best.
This isn't Kansas
Dorothy, this isn’t Kansas...oh wait...anyway, just click your heels three times.
I just flew back from the Midwest in girl mode, my first time. I spent the entire break in guy mode, but I planned on coming back in girl mode. With my trusty girl-mode license, I was prepared to take on the United States Gustapo at the airport.
First up was the car dropoff. I borrowed my parents car to visit friends, and they were picking it up there a week later after returning from their own added vacation. The dude at the curb was very friendly and didn’t notice a thing that I knew of. In fact, he carried my bags all the way inside to the counter area. I hopped on the bus to the terminal with one other woman. She spotted my golf clubs and asked me where I played golf. OK, after not being full time, and spending the entire week as a guy, I forgot to warm up my voice sufficiently before heading out in public. So, the words that escaped my mouth probably were not the best sounding. If I recall correctly, her eyes popped out of her head, and then back in again. I’d never really seen it in real life. She said some other things like she’d never heard of the place I played, but her conversation kinda ended rather fast, and she became silent. I guess I just wasn’t in the mood for talking, and was a bit nervous being in Kansas City in full on girl mode for the first time to really carry on any type of conversation with her. In hindsight, I wish I had knowing how well the rest of the trip went.
At the baggage check in station, I did the self serve and went to the area where they then take the baggage. I’m standing there with some other guy when the ticket lady walks over. She goes, “OK, let’s see who we have here....David?”
Well, the guy that’s there says “I’m not David.”
‘Well, what the hell. Don’t even look at me and ask me if I’m David’ ran thru my head instantly.
She did very well, though, and said “Well, let’s see who else we have here....K..? (which is my real name...thanks Mom, for the great name...you rock!!!) This must be yours” as she labelled my bags for checkin. Awesome...the ticket lady did very well with that situation.
Security was a breeze. It’s a lot easier walking thru metal detectors wearing sandals than leather boots. I always had to take my boots off before, but not this time. Funny, my parents always worried about me when I flew around the nation, thinking that I looked like a terrorist. With the reduced facial hair, I don’t have too much resemblance to anyone of middle eastern decent.
In my starting airport, I found a family restroom that was only one room and had a lock. So, figuring I was in the middle of nowhere I really wanted to be, I used it. When I flew in to Dallas for an hour layover, I thought I would be able to hold it until I got on the next plane back to the Bay Area. Wrong! I had to pee....so, off I went to the ladies bathroom. I’d heard good advice long ago...get in, do your thing, get out. That’s what I had usually done, but this was Cowboy town. Of course, there are probably a number of T’s that come thru Dallas on their way to E2000, so maybe they have some type of knowledge of what’s going on.......nah! So, in I went, did my thing, washed my hands, and then back out. No problem...flying colors!
I did get a few stares in the Dallas terminal, but not that many. I think most were just curious rather than giving me any dirty looks. Once in my seat back to the Bay Area, no one really said or did anything different. The lady sitting next to me made reference to me as “her” about halfway thru the 3.5 hour flight, but that was about it. I know about half way thru that flight, the attendants came around with drinks. When I asked for “applejuice”, the voice had been inactive for over 2 hours. Another cold start. Dang, that did not sound good at all. So, the voice still needs major work.
I just flew back from the Midwest in girl mode, my first time. I spent the entire break in guy mode, but I planned on coming back in girl mode. With my trusty girl-mode license, I was prepared to take on the United States Gustapo at the airport.
First up was the car dropoff. I borrowed my parents car to visit friends, and they were picking it up there a week later after returning from their own added vacation. The dude at the curb was very friendly and didn’t notice a thing that I knew of. In fact, he carried my bags all the way inside to the counter area. I hopped on the bus to the terminal with one other woman. She spotted my golf clubs and asked me where I played golf. OK, after not being full time, and spending the entire week as a guy, I forgot to warm up my voice sufficiently before heading out in public. So, the words that escaped my mouth probably were not the best sounding. If I recall correctly, her eyes popped out of her head, and then back in again. I’d never really seen it in real life. She said some other things like she’d never heard of the place I played, but her conversation kinda ended rather fast, and she became silent. I guess I just wasn’t in the mood for talking, and was a bit nervous being in Kansas City in full on girl mode for the first time to really carry on any type of conversation with her. In hindsight, I wish I had knowing how well the rest of the trip went.
At the baggage check in station, I did the self serve and went to the area where they then take the baggage. I’m standing there with some other guy when the ticket lady walks over. She goes, “OK, let’s see who we have here....David?”
Well, the guy that’s there says “I’m not David.”
‘Well, what the hell. Don’t even look at me and ask me if I’m David’ ran thru my head instantly.
She did very well, though, and said “Well, let’s see who else we have here....K..? (which is my real name...thanks Mom, for the great name...you rock!!!) This must be yours” as she labelled my bags for checkin. Awesome...the ticket lady did very well with that situation.
Security was a breeze. It’s a lot easier walking thru metal detectors wearing sandals than leather boots. I always had to take my boots off before, but not this time. Funny, my parents always worried about me when I flew around the nation, thinking that I looked like a terrorist. With the reduced facial hair, I don’t have too much resemblance to anyone of middle eastern decent.
In my starting airport, I found a family restroom that was only one room and had a lock. So, figuring I was in the middle of nowhere I really wanted to be, I used it. When I flew in to Dallas for an hour layover, I thought I would be able to hold it until I got on the next plane back to the Bay Area. Wrong! I had to pee....so, off I went to the ladies bathroom. I’d heard good advice long ago...get in, do your thing, get out. That’s what I had usually done, but this was Cowboy town. Of course, there are probably a number of T’s that come thru Dallas on their way to E2000, so maybe they have some type of knowledge of what’s going on.......nah! So, in I went, did my thing, washed my hands, and then back out. No problem...flying colors!
I did get a few stares in the Dallas terminal, but not that many. I think most were just curious rather than giving me any dirty looks. Once in my seat back to the Bay Area, no one really said or did anything different. The lady sitting next to me made reference to me as “her” about halfway thru the 3.5 hour flight, but that was about it. I know about half way thru that flight, the attendants came around with drinks. When I asked for “applejuice”, the voice had been inactive for over 2 hours. Another cold start. Dang, that did not sound good at all. So, the voice still needs major work.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Excuse me ma’am, your facial hair is showing.
Anyway, I was at the Fedex drop off last night in total boy mode. Both of the people at the front desk were busy doing packages since it was near their ship time. I was standing alone in line to ship my package when a woman glances up at me then says “Ma’am, where are you shipping to?” OMG, did she just “ma’am” me? I froze. Facial hair, boy shirt, boy clothes, boy ponytail...and she ma’ams me. Now I will admit that she barely glanced at me, but in that instance, she read me as a woman. That was so cool. Well, until she looked back up and said “Oh....sorry.” Still, that was the first time I was ever “ma’amed” out in public, even if my cover was blown almost immediately.
There is no Santa Claus
I’m flying home today to spend a week with family and old friends back in the Midwest. I’m going to be in guy mode pretty much the entire time because it’s damn hot there for makeup, and well, to keep people from freaking out too bad. I’m going to hang with the family until Saturday, then drive over to Missouri and visit some old friends.
My good friend Jamie said I could stay with him and his family, although he wanted me to be in guy mode or girl mode the entire time, and not switching back and forth. He didn’t want me confusing his kids, and he didn't want to have to explain gender identity stuff to his kids at this time. His kids are 3 and 5. I was kinda disappointed in him at first. I’d been out to Jamie for over 1.5 years and thought he had a better grasp on this. Gender identity is not something you just change, nor is choosing to be a transsexual something you just decide to do. I asked him what he did when his kids saw adults dressed as something like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny....did he allow them to see them knowing they would have questions at some point about the legitimacy of those characters? I guess it just didn’t relate to him. But then I told this story to two TS, and they totally sided with him. So, I re-evaluated the situation, and I understand how not telling a child about transsexualism could be a good thing for parents that are concerned with the issue. But these kids will probably get the "story" inside the next several years, anyway. Oh well, Jamie and his wife are their parents, and I’m sure they know best. I have several cousins that are young and a few children of cousins that have done quite well with my news, and none of them have run out to get a sex change so far. But I understand how parents might be cautious about having to explain this to their child, because you just never know.
My good friend Jamie said I could stay with him and his family, although he wanted me to be in guy mode or girl mode the entire time, and not switching back and forth. He didn’t want me confusing his kids, and he didn't want to have to explain gender identity stuff to his kids at this time. His kids are 3 and 5. I was kinda disappointed in him at first. I’d been out to Jamie for over 1.5 years and thought he had a better grasp on this. Gender identity is not something you just change, nor is choosing to be a transsexual something you just decide to do. I asked him what he did when his kids saw adults dressed as something like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny....did he allow them to see them knowing they would have questions at some point about the legitimacy of those characters? I guess it just didn’t relate to him. But then I told this story to two TS, and they totally sided with him. So, I re-evaluated the situation, and I understand how not telling a child about transsexualism could be a good thing for parents that are concerned with the issue. But these kids will probably get the "story" inside the next several years, anyway. Oh well, Jamie and his wife are their parents, and I’m sure they know best. I have several cousins that are young and a few children of cousins that have done quite well with my news, and none of them have run out to get a sex change so far. But I understand how parents might be cautious about having to explain this to their child, because you just never know.
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