Friday, February 24, 2006

Third time is a charm

Before today, I'd only been hit on by men twice in person. Both of them had recently had some type of alcohol. (Just a note, but E and I basically met via the internet.)

On the plane ride this morning, it was open seating. I thought about sitting up front in one of the middle seats, but after asking the flight attendant how full the flight was, I decided to find a seat with a little more space in back. I took the first open window seat with only one other person in the row. The guy sitting in the row looked to be in decent shape and around my age. We struck up a conversation almost right away. Usually, that doesn't happen for me.

After chatting for a while about everything from breaking up with E to me liking the Green Bay Packers (he liked the icky 49ers) to me being an omnisexual (which wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to explain to him), he started hitting on me. Everytime he did, I kinda had this giggling laugh. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't laughing at him, but I felt flattered.

When we talked further about where we went to college and how old we were, he mentioned that we both grew up with the same cartoons. He was cute, and we had a lot in common. He hit on me a few more times as we were talking...mainly by complimenting my looks. As we conversed more, he said he'd noticed me before we even got on the plane. He saw me eating my scone this morning, and he said it was one of the most erotic things he ever saw. I had seen him sitting across the aisle, but I didn't notice anyone watching me eat my breakfast.

After we had talked a little more, including a few more instances of him hitting on me, I basically outed myself to him.

"You're a...ahh..transsexual?"


"So...are you..uhhh..."

"Yup, all finished."

That brought on at least another 30 minutes of conversation about being T and everything else.

"So, like, I'm still attracted to you."

He wondered if that also made him an omnisexual. I told him that likely still made him straight.

Long story short, I gave him my number. We'll see if he calls.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Happy Birthday...of sorts

One year ago today, at approximately this time, I no longer had a penis. They were likely wheeling me into recovery at this point, having been moved from the afternoon surgery to the morning surgery due to a medical requirement by the woman scheduled that morning. This past year has brought over 400 dilations, two more operations (one for the labiaplasty and one for the breast augmentation), a relationship that lasted almost 9 months, and sex for the first time as a woman.

I found a letter from Dr. Meltzer's office in my mail last night. It was a card wishing me a happy anniversary. It was a nice thought.

It's kinda funny...this is the first time in quite a while that I haven't had surgery the week of President's Day. It always worked well for me since it gave me that one extra day off from work to deal with stuff before surgery. Two years ago it was FFS with Dr. O, and last year, SRS with Dr. Meltzer in the wonderful weather of Phoenix. Ironically enough, two of my friends are having surgery today somewhere around the globe.

With breast augementation in December, I still held on to my string of having surgery within three days of a holiday:

FFS - 2 days after President's Day
Hairline Revision - 1 day after Veteren's Day
SRS - 1 day after President's Day
Labiaplasty - 2 days after Independence Day
Breast Augmentation - 3 days after Christmas, 3 days before New Years (1 holiday per boob)

So, I guess I should get my vagina a birthday gift. Hmmm...I have yet to purchase a vibrator. Look out, Good Vibrations, here I come.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

7 Weeks

I visited Dr. Gray’s office today for my 1.5 month check up. Seven weeks was yesterday. I showed up a little early to have Kirsten hit the lipo-lumps on my waist with the ultrasonic application. They seemed to feel a little softer after the last treatment, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to have it done again.

After that, I started working on a little homework that I brought along, but Dr. Gray was a little early and had me in the exam room in no time. After changing into the gown, he looked me over.

He thought I was still a bit firm and needed to increase my massaging. He squeezed them together toward the middle and it actually hurt. After he showed me from behind, I realized I haven’t been doing that exercise properly. I should have been pushing the implant to the middle, but instead, I was grabbing the whole breast and squeezing it to the middle. By pushing the implant to the middle, it pushes more on the muscles in that area. I’m also supposed to increase the "pushing in at the top portion"...which stretches the lower half. He said I was fine with the "squeezing of the lower half" which raises the implant upward. One out of three...not so good. OK, it looks like I’ll be doing a little more massaging nowadays.

So, if you see me playing with my breasts...give me a break, OK?

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine’s Day

It’s been two years since I went full time. It’s flown by. Seriously, it’s amazing that I’m also approaching a year since my SRS. It’s funny....I wondered how the memory of my life as a man would mature with time. I can remember living that life, but it seems fairly distant. I guess that happens with all memories.

Being single on Valentine’s Day does suck...especially right after a break up. I’m not sure if I want to start looking again, or just let love find me again...or just give it all a break for a while.

In the parking lot at work today, I saw a guy with a ponytail. I’m not sure what it is, but I actually find some men with ponytails to be kinda cute. A ponytail on a man is not easy to pull off, though, so not everyone looks good with one. I’m not sure what my attraction is, but perhaps I am semi-attracted to a man with certain feminine features. I have to admit, though, any time I see a man with a ponytail, I look to see if there are any other items to indicate he might be T or not.

I’m not really into cross-dressing men, but there are a few that are hot. A muscular hairy man in a dress does nothing for me, though, but an androgynous man who looks hot as a woman doesn’t necessarily turn me off. He’d have to be fairly skinny, though. Otherwise, feminine women do the trick, as well as well-maintained men. Metrosexuals....hmmm...dunno, they might be too into themselves or just too high maintenance.

So, Cupid, wherever you are, do me a favor and save that arrow for someone else this year, or just catch me on a hopefully better note next year.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Trans Panels

I was on a transgender panel both yesterday and today. Yesterday's panel was at UC Berkeley, and was with the same FemSex class I worked with last semester...with the same person I met during Berkeley's performance of the Vagina Monologues last year. This year, I actually knew a transgender woman at UC Berkeley who was interested in being on the panel, so, Tiffany joined myself and three FTM's to round out the panel. We actually had a very diverse group this year. I think everyone on the panel had transitioned inside the past few years, and we represented a huge spectrum....but didn't even come close to representing everyone out there. We simply represented ourselves. I was also the oldest one on the panel. It's good to see such a youthful presence...especially on the campus.

The panel went well, and I was able to use some of my CUAV training and photos for the panel. There were also a few new questions I hadn't heard, and a few new answers from some of the guys. It was great to have such diversity as the five of us interacted with the class for two full hours.

Afterward, I grabbed a quick bite to eat with a few friends on campus before watching the V-Day performances of the Vagina Monologues. This was actually their dress rehearsal where they invite some of the faculty and grad students on campus, as well as anyone special associated with the performance. Knowing a few people from the show definitely helped secure a spot to watch this year's performance. This was also the first time Tiffany saw the Vagina Monologues. I told her I watched/participated last year...with it being my little initiation into vaginahood.

Today, I was at the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality for another transgender panel. The call actually went to CUAV who forwarded the transgender request to myself and another individual who recently attended the public speaking training. Supposedly, IASHS is the only graduate school in the US approved to train sexologists.

Alexander and myself chatted with the graduate students for an hour and a half. We covered the multiple aspects of transition, the gender binary, and our general existence. We also had a number of questions from the therapist aspect. Most of the students were mature individuals who were likely therapist who had been practicing for quite a while. Their questions were a little more thought provoking on average than what I have had in the past, and a lot of them were seeking suggestions in general on how to better work with transgender clients.

I think one of the more intriguing conversations was the topic of sex reassignment surgery. One man asked if I was pleased with the results, and I mentioned that I could use a few tweaks. After describing the procedure involved with SRS, I told them that I didn't have too much sensation inside the vagina, and what I did have wasn't pleasurable yet. Most of my sensation comes from the clitoris and a little from the labia. So, I was a little disappointed with the pleasurable sensation in the vagina. A few of them laughed and said that most women didn't have sensation in or around the vagina, and that a lot of women weren't able to reach orgasm with simple vaginal penetration. I did mention that I was able to reach orgasm on my own, though.

Afterward, a man named Nick asked me if I had been able to pick out the shape of my vagina. He also handed me a book with pictures of vaginas and asked if I was able to show the surgeon photos of what I was looking for before SRS. I told him that I bought a few porn magazines and happily went thru them with my surgeon. (I also noticed that Donna Rose had a book of vagina pictures at her place...but I didn't see it until after my SRS.) Interestingly enough, he told me that he was the photographer of the book I was then thumbing thru. I found a picture of what my vagina basically looks like and pointed it out to him and another. I asked if the subject had a labiaplasty since she didn't have large labia, but he said that she hadn't...and that it was just the way hers looked. We also discussed the aspects and limits to working with the tissue at hand and the aesthetics one might like in their own vagina, as well as the dynamics of plastic surgeons creating things in the image they know. I joked with him that we (other TS who went to Dr. Meltzer) all had the same vagina as his wife, and that my nose was the same as my facial surgeon'’s daughter. Before Alexander and I left, though, Nick graciously offered me a free autographed copy of his book, Petals. Anyway, if you get a chance or need a book of vagina pictures you might like to compare, you might visit

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Glow in the dark boobies

I was scanning thru my roomie’s Maxim magazine today. Yes, he gets Maxim. If I see something that catches my eye, I look thru it.

After seeing the very attractive, and yet, not overly curvy woman on the cover, I figured I would see what other pictures they had of her. I’m not overly curvy either, and I wanted to see if I compared in any way to her. Plus, she was hot.

I scanned thru the index of articles only to spot an article about a man with breast implants. It appears someone bet him $100,000 seven or eight years ago that he couldn’t go a year with breast implants. He won the bet, and yet, 8 years later, he still has the implants. He says chicks dig them and he doesn’t want to go thru surgery again. If you ask me, he likes them, and he doesn’t want to give them up...but he doesn’t want to state that outright since people might think he was weird or if having them in the first place isn’t weird. He seems to think that all women are lesbians, and that it gives them a chance to act out that desire (or fantasy) by pretending he is a woman yet he is actually a man. He even says he shaves them before going out on dates.

Believe it or not, I think everyone should have boobs. The world would be such a better place. Instead of men waging wars, they’d all be at home feeling themselves up. When I was just out of college, I had a male roomie tell me that if he had boobs, he’d never leave his room. The world revolves around boobs. They seriously garnish a lot of attention...I know that.

I was at a conference in LA last week, and there were definitely a lot of men trying to get their ‘hellos’ in. I know the sales guys are supposed to do that anyway, but this was a significant improvement over the appearance I made there 2 years a guy. I placed my name badge over my stomach, so I wasn’t really able to determine if they were looking at that or my cleavage, but being a woman at a conference with a high number of men makes things quite easy when trying to talk with the vendors. Of course, I have no idea if they respect what I am saying or not, but they seemed to do fairly well.

Even the guy on the plane back seemed to pay me a bit of respect...complimenting me that I was both brains and beauty after finding out we both went to the same show and that I was an engineer. We talked for a good portion of the ride home. He told me he’d had a couple of beers that afternoon after skipping out of the convention early, and had one on the flight home. As we neared our destination, he even asked me out. Why have the two people who have ever hit on me or asked me out been ‘under the influence’?

So, back to the article. When the reporter covering the story about the ‘man with boobs’ first showed up, the guy holds up two flashlights to his breasts while they stand in a darkened bathroom. “Don’t they look alien” he says as his breasts light up.

The theory sounds solid. If you hold up a light to your finger, it glows red since we’re mainly made out of water and the thickness of the finger isn’t too much. The same principle would work for breasts as long as there isn’t too much tissue between the skin and the implant. If light made it to the implant, it would refract inside, right?

So, I grabbed a flashlight and turned off all of the lights in my bathroom. I turned on the flashlight and held it up to the underside of my breast and wouldn’t you know it, the implant inside lights up with this eerie red glow (similar to this). It’s actually pretty wicked. Glow in the dark boobies. It might make one hell of a Halloween costume.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

The breakup

Love. It’s such a wicked little creature.

I arrived home today from my mid-day scheduled activity. E had been up for a little over an hour. As I was headed to the shower, E told me that E would not be around again tonite since E was having a business dinner to discuss future consulting work. Last night, E was off with a bunch of colleagues until 2am.

Before I fully closed the bathroom door, I indicated my displeasure with not having E around for another weekend night. I thought about it further in the shower, and discussed our relationship upon drying off.

It’s difficult for me to be the deprived girlfriend. I hardly get to see E as it is, and when E is around, E’s off with friends, colleagues, or future business meetings. I guess I’m just being greedy, but I’d like to have E for myself some nights or be taken along.

I mean, E is one of those person’s that could easily become a millionaire, and I have no doubt that E has forever left E’s mark on the’s just determining how big a mark it will be. I guess when it comes down to it, I’d rather have a lover that shares a little time with me than one I'll never see who is going to be super rich or famous. I don’t want to be the hidden secret in the closet. I want to be a significant influence in a relationship that thrives.

The hard part is that E and I get along really well outside of my deprived girlfriend feelings. Neither of us smoke or do drugs, nor do we drink. We’re both technical people and fairly similar in age. We do have our share of uncommon characteristics as well, though....but to me, those items just gave our relationship an opportunity to grow.

I sat in bed resting from an active morning, but also cried when E and I reached a mutual decision that staying together might not be the right thing right now.

Love sucks.