Monday, May 30, 2005


The framing business called me this morning to tell me that my frames were complete and that I could come by to pick them up.

“Are you open today?” I said as I realized it was the Sunday of the Memorial Day weekend.

They were, so as I was running a few errands today, I stopped by to pick up my re-framed college diplomas...the ones that now have my current name. I paid slightly over $50 for it all, but they look nice and the place did a good job at putting all of it back together again. My sister had originally framed both diplomas (as well as my high school diploma), and had placed some sort of seal on the back that prevented easy replacement of any diploma. I assume this was also done to limit the amount of air that could slowly wither away the documents.

A few months ago, I sent an email to my old high school asking if they issued new or revised diplomas at all. They called a few days later and said that they didn’t issue revised diplomas at all. Damn. So, it looks like that one will have to exist with the old name on it.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Head shots

I didn’t like the passport picture that I received at the post office, so I decided to get another picture taken. I found one of those little photo shop labs and asked how much they charged. Remarkably, it was half the price the stupid post office I had two sets the hopes that at least one set would be OK. I figured that the picture will be on my passport for 10 years so why not have one that I like.

The guy was very helpful in taking my picture twice, and even asked if I wanted my freckles visible via different shades of lighting. I told him it didn’t matter.

After the photos developed, he looked at the pictures and said, “You look like Julie Roberts....especially around the mouth.”

He’s not the first to mention that. I find it amusing, and usually take it as a compliment. I’ve also had a few people say I look like Natalie Portman. I’m quite honored that a few people think I look like those two, but I’m just happy they don’t tell me I look like Han Solo or Chewbacca.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Three months after SRS

OK, well, let’s see. I’m still dilating with #5 twice a day...when I get up in the morning and right before I go to bed. I still can’t feel much below the clitoris, between the labial incisions, and down to the lower incision line. The clitoris has healed up with it protruding about 6-7mm with a base diameter of about 6-7mm.

The incision lines have healed up pretty nicely. I can still see where they are, but they actually kinda blend in fairly well. I still think there are a few internal sutures around the area that cause little pains here and there as I try to get them to either loosen up or move around so they are no longer causing me any pain.

I installed a handheld showerhead a few weeks ago. It definitely makes it a lot easier to clean things down below. It took a while to find one that had a good shower spray variety, looked good, and was nicely priced.

I’m also trying to eat a little yogurt on a regular basis in the hopes that I never have a yeast infection again.

I didn’t mention this before surgery because I wanted to wait until afterward to see if it was something else, but in the weeks leading up to my SRS I felt really energetic. I went for a run about a week before surgery, and I felt very powerful. Yeah, the testosterone was really surging at that point since I was off the estrogen. I wondered if I was just getting back into some decent shape or if it was only the testosterone. Now that I’m back to running and can gauge the feeling I had on that run, I can definitely say how much testosterone actually affects ones athletic performance. When I went on hormones, it was a gradual loss of athletic prowess, but after experiencing that short time back on testosterone, I remember how strong I used to feel. Wow, what a difference.

And, oh yeah, I had sex.

OK, so this part is totally kinda least concerning SRS stuff.

My urethra has gradually grown much smaller in size than it was immediately following surgery. It now comes out in a very fine stream with a bit of velocity on it. It’s also aimed up fairly high. So, in order to try to get it aimed further down, I typically lean forward and try to arch my back a bit.
Initially, when I tried this, I would often look down to make sure that the stream was not causing any trouble. Unfortunately, when I did this, some of the stream would splash up and nail me in the face. Yeah, I know....GROSS!!!!

I now hold a little toilet paper in that area to prevent me from getting splashed as well as prevent any of it from getting on my clothes.

I have also noticed that if I dilate immediately before taking a dump, there is a lot of lube that comes out of my vagina. I figure the same muscles involved with pushing the stuff outta my butt also catch a little of what’s inside my vagina, and just take it along for the ride. Nice, huh?

Finally, I have possibly figured out why women laugh when they fart. Yes, one of the greatest riddles of mankind is now possibly solved. If I’m leaning back or just sitting regular, I’ve found that the air emanating from my rear often travels forward and ripples thru my labia. (I’ve also noticed a little of the same feeling if my labia are sorta stuck together when I start to pee.) Wow, does that feel good! It almost tickles. OK, yes, it’s kinda gross, but it feels pretty damn good....enough to get a smile out of me.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Why does it all have to be so hard?

I stopped by the post office yesterday to have a new picture taken for my passport renewal. My current passport is due up this fall so the timing of SRS comes at a very opportune time for me in the renewal process.

OK, I will admit that I thought I had to turn in all of my paperwork to the passport people at the post office, but I just have to mail off the passport form, the legal name change decree, and my letter from Dr. Meltzer. I still needed a picture though, so that was the one service I could use there.

When the guy behind the counter saw the picture in my passport, he looked very confused. “Is this your husband?”

“No, that’s me. I had a little work done.”

Blank stare. I could actually see and hear all the brain synapses screaming “does not compute” before they subsequently exploded.

Something clicked for him after a few seconds when he saw the rest of my paperwork. I told him I still needed a picture, and he was happy to oblige.

Afterward, I mailed off the paperwork for my birth certificate change. Because my postal service kinda sucks, I would have preferred to have Fedexed such sensitive documents, but Louisiana has a PO box for their address...something Fedex can’t deliver to. I purchased the registered mail and return receipt options, though, so they hopefully won’t lose it. For the birth certificate change, I mailed off the birth certificate revision form, the name change decree, the letter from Dr. Meltzer, and two utility bills that had my legal name on them. The bills were part of their identification documentation needed. Most of the other forms I wouldn’t have been able to mail...such as my driver’s license, social security card, etc. I also sent in an extra fee for them to pull up my current birth certificate. Louisiana’s Vital Records wants you to either send it in or pay to have them pull it up. I have a copy of it, but not an official one...just the small card...which they said wasn’t valid for this revision purpose.

Hopefully this will work. When I went over their paper work, it said something about having the District Attorney in the parish in which I was born approving the change, but it doesn’t really say how to do any of it. If it comes down to some type of court order, then I’m screwed and will have to hire a lawyer to figure all of it out. The email I got back from their office said to just send in the paperwork, so hopefully that’s all it will take. I should find out in a few weeks.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

This one the laser hair removal place

Every time I seem to go to the laser hair removal place, I always end up with a good story. Yes, I was having a little more annoying body hair lasered away. I think this will be my last trip for laser as I move to have the remaining stuff zapped with electrolysis.

Anyway, my technician this time, who happened to have the same name I used to have, was going through the paperwork before we started. She asked me if I had changed any of my meds. I told her that they were all the same except I wasn’t taking spironolactone anymore.

“What is that stuff for?”

“It’s used to block testosterone.”

“Why are you taking that? Is that why you’re here...did hair start growing when you stopped taking it?”

“I’m transgender. After I had surgery, I didn’t have to take it anymore.”

“Ahhhh...I would have never guessed you were transgender.”

After we got started, she asked a few questions about the transgender stuff. She also mentioned that her son crossdressed....and was autistic. She was cool with his crossdressing, though, and even taught him how to order stuff off the internet.

A little while later, she commented, “You know, you could have kept your name.”

“I seriously thought about it, but my roomie’s dog convinced me otherwise. His dog’s name is Scooby...but Scooby is a girl. I tell people that Scooby is a girl dog, but they still end up calling her a ‘he’ because people are used to Scooby being a boy’s name. For my situation, people still would have thought of me as ‘he’. So, Scooby helped me realize I needed to change my name.

“Yeah, he sure did.”

“Ummm....see, Scooby is a girl.”

“Oh see your point.”

Later into the session, after I told her about FFS and SRS, she asked me if I planned on having breast augmentation. I told her I was seriously thinking about it and have a consult planned for next month.

She surprised me by saying she just had hers done two weeks ago...and loved them. She wished she had gotten them a lot sooner. (Hmmm...that seems to be a reoccurring theme lately.)

After we had finished our session and I was paying the bill, she was conversing with the receptionist who thought we still hadn’t started.

“No, he’s already done.”

Uugghhhh....I hate being called ‘he’ after she initially had no idea that I was even transgender. I see why some people end up going stealth. It’s just a pain in the butt when people who wouldn’t even know the difference end up wiring their brain to see me as male instead of female...only because I’ve told them. Yeah, yeah...she was very supportive, but she still ended up seeing me as male instead of female.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


At some point this past weekend, the visiting Claire and I briefly discussed dreams. She’d had a reoccurring dream lately, and I told her that I’ve had my share over the years. Up until I finally came out to my family, I always had dreams of them catching me dressed up in female clothes. Up until I finally picked up my master’s degree, I also had dreams that I either showed up late for class or I forgot to go to class all semester long until the final exam. Anxieties. They definitely show up in my dreams once in a while.

Lately, my reoccurring dreams have involved myself at the company I was at before I moved out to San Francisco. Sometimes I am there as a guy, sometimes as a girl. Sometimes I feel unwanted, sometimes I feel like I’m just there to do a job, and sometimes I feel secure in being me in a place I never was.

Early yesterday morning, I had another of those dreams. This time I was female and ran into an old coworker that left before I did.

Last night, as I was wrapping up work (and not dreaming), I got a call from another former coworker. She has been very supportive ever since I came out to the whole lot about 2 years ago. She asked me how I was doing after having had the surgery. I told her that things have healed up fairly well.

We also chatted about boobs. I saw another pair of Dr. Gray’s work the other day...and they looked really really good. I told her I was seriously considering them, and that I had a consult already lined up for next month. She had a breast augmentation slightly before I moved away, so we chatted for a while about them. She said the one thing she regretted was not getting them sooner. It’s funny...I say the same thing about transition, and, of course, everyone I’ve met who’s gotten boobs has said that they loved them...even the genetic girls.

Sunday, May 08, 2005


Yesterday, I finally re-started electrolysis down below. I had a little hair pop up around the clitoris and the vaginal opening. I put a little numbing agent around the clitoris and way down underneath since I could still feel in those areas, but I figured I was fairly numb from the clitoris to the bottom incision.

The hairs around the clitoris did hurt quite a bit, but I couldn’t feel most of the ones in the vaginal opening. I say most, because I could feel a few. It was a weird pain. Electrolysis is usually very sharp and very specific. Wherever she is placing the needle is usually where the pain is. But in this case, it became more of a general 'hurt'. Who knows why it felt different...perhaps the nerves are only able to pick up the pain in that manner, or perhaps the electricity was only felt in nerves outside the affected areas. Either way, it still hurt a little in the ‘numb’ areas, which means I do have a little sensation.

This past Friday, I finally mailed off my payment to Dr. Meltzer for the labiaplasty and body contour. I had a cashier’s check made out at the bank, and I also cashed out some saving’s bonds I had won at races a few years back. I figured it was best to get them taken care of now, rather than in the future since they still had the boy name on them. The cashier never really asked why the names didn’t match up, but hopefully she saw the alias listed on my bank account.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

One round of pads down

Over the past week or so, I’ve noticed my urethra seems to be smaller. When I took a look tonight, I noticed it is a lot smaller at the opening than I had seen in the past. I would say that the opening is no larger than 3mm in diameter...if even that. The restricted flow is what made me check it out. It used to be a nice flowing stream, but now it seems a lot narrower. It looks like that will have to be corrected at labiaplasty....which is fairly common, I understand.

Since things have finally started looking really good along all the incisions, I’ve stopped wearing pads. It gets annoying having to wear them all the time, changing them after dilating, and dealing with stench issues if I start oozing anything out...especially around the clitoris. The oozing has finally stopped, so most of those problems have cleared up.

Pete and I were chatting after a meeting today. I asked him about the subject matter he is studying in class. He’s going back to school to be a therapist, while also working part time in his usual job. During our conversation about therapists and what I want to be when I grow up, I reflected on something I have heard about therapists....that they become therapists to figure something out about themselves. Pete commented, “Would you want a therapist who couldn’t relate to having gone thru the healing process?”

He’s right. To truly understand something, we have to have experienced something similar in our own lives.

On my walk across campus this afternoon, I saw a guy walking with a severe limp obviously caused by some disability. I wondered how similar the two of us with a social disability of transitioning from one sex to another, and he with a physical disability that prevented him from walking without a limp. Both of us made the best of our situations.

It made me think as I continued my walk. Would I ever want to be involved romantically with someone who hasn’t been through their own healing process...someone who hasn’t had to deal with their own situation? I’m not talking about just another transgender person, but anyone for that matter. I just don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through their own journey would understand mine.

Monday, May 02, 2005

An itchy inch

I pulled out another of those ‘dissolvable’ sutures last night. Well, I didn’t get all of it. I tugged on it like the previous one, but it didn’t want to slide right out. It felt like it was still tied around something, and I didn’t want to hurt myself by pulling too hard and tearing something. So, I just clipped it at the surface which, unfortunately, still leaves some inside me.

Tonight, though, I pulled out the granddaddy of dissolvable sutures. I had the little irritating feeling at the junction where the drains were initially located. They are basically at the top of the vertical incision that ends about the same height as my clitoris, but out to each side about 3cm. The irritation has been in the one on my right side. I gently scratched the area feeling for any suture which might be poking through the skin, and sure enough, there was a very tiny portion. I grabbed on to it with the tweezers and gently tugged. Initially, there was this knot of sutures at the top but the rest of it was just a string of the suture itself. The total length came up right at 1” (2.5cm).

The culprit!

It feels nice having those sutures out, and when I rub the areas where I’ve removed them, they feel so much better now. The mirror sites on either side, though, where I have either not removed anything or not been able to get all of it, seem to have some small bumps and feel a little different. It’s almost as though I can feel the remaining chunks of suture that are below the surface. I wonder if Dr. Meltzer will be able to remove some of these with the labiaplasty if they don't dissolve, or if I will be getting more of them at that time.