Books

Last week I traveled with coworkers Robi and Pete to a vendor. On the way back, we dropped Robi off in San Francisco. She wanted me to drop off her library book since it was due then and she had forgotten to drop it off. So, I said sure. As she was handing it to me, Pete asks what the book is about. She says it is called ‘Middlesex’ (alarm bells were going off in my brain) and it was about a hermaphrodite (no need for me to correct them on the now PC term...intersexed). Pete, who usually seems very open minded, goes “eeeeewwwwww!” and acts as though he is doing the heeber jeebers. So, since Pete is driving, I take the book and look at the inner cover. I start reading the synopsis to Pete as we are driving back. He goes “eeeewwww” again and does his squirming, but then says “ok, continue” after I paused for a second. I asked him what the big deal was...it was just a story about a hermaphrodite and the history of his genetics thru his past. Then I hit him with the line from my therapist: “If sexual orientation is so non-bi-polar, why should we think gender would be any different?”

“Huh? Say that again,” responds Pete.

So, I re-Peted myself. (Hah, see how easy I amuse myself!)

Thoroughly impressed by my remark, Pete responds “That’s very open minded of you.”

I think I would have totally freaked him out right there if I had said “If you think the book freaks you out, how about the transsexual you’re riding with?”....but it was just a thought running through my brain.

Money, money, money...take 4

I was a very happy person today. We found out our bonus amount. Mine came out to 6% of my annual salary. Sweet!!! The check is being issued on Tuesday. Every little bit helps on this journey, and this will help quite a bit in the electrolysis section, as well as the impending Dr. O down payment.

Money, money, money...take 5

I put together a summary of my financial situation for Brooke to look at. She’s an expert with finances, so she is going to provide a little analysis of my current state of things. I finally located the info on my old 401k account and found that it has been sitting in some low interest stable fund for the past year. Uncool, but I will be able to switch it into a better fund later this year.

The Roads We Take

After the run on Sunday, I went out to a park by the bay and read a little poetry. I’ve always been a fan of Robert Frost, and my parents got me a huge book of his work last Christmas. Lauren, an internet friend, wanted me to take some pictures of the bay while I was out there, so I decided to take a few, and share....and perhaps a little poetry to go along with them.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Food and football

I had another 4 hours of electrolysis this weekend. We took out most of the cheeks which is really starting to take out most of the shadow. Unfortunately, I also look like a chipmunk.

I went with Brooke and Susan to a TS picnic yesterday in San Jose. Supposedly the BBQ has become an annual event, sort of a homecoming, for a lot of the TS in the South Bay area. Unfortunately, Brooke and I were clearly the youngest ones there. Some of the usual freakies showed up, but a lot of the nice regulars were there as well. From the TS that were there, I thought only one passed as a GG, the rest had just transitioned too late in the ball game or had done too many surgeries that they no longer looked natural. Being TS isn’t easy, and I realize that no matter what age people transition, we’re all being true to ourselves.

Brooke and I briefly chatted with the one we both thought passed very well as a woman. She was 5’6”, just one inch taller than me. “Did the lower height have anything to do with her passing,” I thought...I’m sure it did to a degree. She also had a Latina face, which in my book, helps severely with passing. Brooke is kinda tall. Well, she’s very tall. I can tell that she worries about passing and still being so tall. The one thing she really has going for her with her height, though, is that she is really skinny. She’s close to 10 inches taller than me, but only weighs like 20-some pounds more than me. I think she’ll do fine.

Anyway, the Latina TS said that she recently had people at work making allegations that she was really a man (since she was obviously stealth at work). She said they made comments like ‘she had man-hands’ or ‘her voice was lower’, but I really never would have thought she was TS if I had met her outside the TS community. In fact, I didn’t even think she was TS at the BBQ until she basically told us.

I talked with Courtney quite a bit this weekend. We chatted about bits and pieces of everything in a two and a half hour call yesterday. I could tell she was feeling a little lonely again. I get the same way sometimes, but I stay busy enough most of the time that I usually don’t find myself that lonely. Also, I have roommates, so that’s usually enough human interaction for me outside of work.

Tight Ends.

Today, I have been a total slacker. I haven’t even showered since Friday morning....ewwwww! I’m about to go for a run, but I kinda want to wash off a bit before I go, even though I know I will be sweating out there. I guess I did participate in a fantasy football draft this morning. I conference called into my old friends in the Midwest and drafted a decent team. I picked up some of my favorite players, but wasn’t able to get most of the people I had last year since they turned out pretty good. I got second place last year, losing the top spot in the last two weeks. OK, yeah, I like to watch football. I am a huge NFL fan. Now, you might say....Eeeewwww!...That’s for guys!!!...but there are plenty of women who like to watch football as well. Stephanie, a good friend of mine in the unlucky city of Detroit watches football and totally dug playing fantasy football last year. And my sister is a huge college football fan. I can’t go home in the winter without hearing how her team is doing.

So, yes, women do watch football. :P Tttthhhhbbbtttt!!!!

He'll be back

So, I’m sitting on my knees in my chair staring at my computer and this guy named Mark the Coworker walks by my desk and says “Hello Ms. [Flynn]” then starts up a conversation on fantasy football. (Yes, I love playing fantasy football and watching football on TV...it’s just a part of me.) I’ve almost grown accustomed to hearing Mark’s comments, and in fact, kinda live for them. When I come out, I hope he continues his little observation of me being female.

I still have no idea how I am going to make it over 4 more months in boy mode. Playing sports with my coworkers has become challenging. I find I now need to wear a sports bra to bind the breasts when I play sports because the flimsy ones I wear during the day just aren’t doing enough out there. The hard part is making sure that the big sports bra straps don’t show thru the neck area of my shirt. I also wear one of those reversible jersey’s when we play color shirts vs white shirts, so it tends to hide the boobs with the layers.

Shake your bootie.

Tonite was my first dance class session. It was pretty fabulous, and I can feel I’m starting to loosen up on the dancing thing. The play really helped back in May, but I can feel that this class is going to be awesome. Dance floors of the US, beware!!! There are like 20 of us in there, with 3 guys if you count me as a guy still. The women are pretty nice looking as well, and some can really move their ass....perfect coaches!!!

Shakin’ her bootie.

I was out with Delilah and Brandon again last night. Let’s just say...never ask a guy for directions...especially a blond one. :P

We had a nice little conversation over sushi. I think D and I bored Brandon a few times talking about hormones and stuff. Anway, I had the Caterpillar Sushi (asparagus and cucumber inside the rice, avacado on the outside) while Brandon threw down some of the raw stuff. Eeeeewwwwww!!! Mine was excellent. Somehow I have really gotten into the veggie sushi lately.

After dinner, we just walked around Santana Row in San Jose. There were a bunch of guys that just came up to Vanity (nudityin link)...errr...Delilah and kinda started hitting on her, or said that they recognized her, or wanted her phone number. And I mean, Brandon is walking along with us...and he’s like 6’4” and not a bean pole, but they still risked his wrath upon approach. OK, so, we’ve got Delilah at 5’9 with 3” heels walking along, Brandon at 6’4”, and me a whopping 5’5” with my 1” sandals. D was wearing this hot little outfit, of course, and just happened to fall out of it on occasion. So, D looks like this hot model, then Brandon her bodyguard, and me her little assistant. There were people just blatantly staring at her, and made no attempt to hide it...even a table with 4 women at it. Now granted, they actually might have been looking at Brandon. These guys, though, could just not take their eye off her. One guy asked her if she was a Brazilian actress and D just said she had been in some Brazilian films.

You want me on that wall....you need me on that wall...you can’t handle the truth!!!

We had a little conversation about how she tells a guy that she is TS. She said they usually tell her to stop messing around or that she must be tripping. They truly doubt that she was ever a man, because, well, they want her to be a woman....they need her to be a woman. They’re eyes tell their brain, or more importantly, their penis, that what they are seeing is a woman and when the big area of insecurity in their brain gets clobbered with this woman telling them she used to be a guy...well, it’s just pretty hard on them. Come on, really....guys never have to use their brain that hard, especially when Junior is telling it that it’s time for him to go into action.

Princess Buttercup

The conversation continued about the men she has met, and the “man” that she wants. I told her that if she were post op, and she met a guy she really liked, I could pretty much guaranteed that he really wouldn’t care that much. But I realize that her penis is currently a great part of her livelihood, and most men just aren’t going to go for that. Her penis, however, is what brings in the cash for her, but I truly believe that she has a lot more going for her than her penis. I do hope, though, she finds her true love someday....someday...and lives happily ever after.

Money, money, money...take 3

I received a letter from my bank today responding to my request for a personal loan:

Dear whacko,

Thank you for your recent application for credit. Your request has been carefully reviewed, and we regret that we are unable to approve your request for a(an) personal loan at this time.

Blah.....blah blah blah....blah blah.

Sincerely,

The people with all the money.

Nice.

I was down at the younger TS support group tonite. We had some pretty good conversations, including a subject that came up in my story of flying home in girl mode. She asked if I thought some people suspected I was T and I said, I thought there were at least a few...but they still were very kind and treated me with at least a smile. She asked if that bothered us...that someone knew we were T but didn’t care or say anything. I could care less if they know or not, as long as they are respectful. It’s the ones that aren’t respectful that worry me. That’s why I prefer to have FFS...to alleviate some of the male bony features of my face.

One of the other TS, probably around 23, was wondering about the effect hormones have on the hips. She really wants them. Of course, she’s as skinny as a rail. I told her she’d do fine...and “jeez, what do you have, like a 27” waist?” She says 26 inches. Arrrgggghhhhh! Oh well, I guess I will always be a muscular little sporty girl....but I would so much enjoy being a lot skinnier and a whole lot less muscular. The waist has gotten smaller one inch in a year, but hopefully over time the muscle around the waist will get smaller and give me better curves.

Brooke and I had dinner afterward. We talked, we ate, we discussed getting out sometime just to hang out. Brooke hasn’t been out in girl mode in quite a while. Her hair is long enough to wear out now, and I think it’s going to look awesome, even from the viewpoint of my basic hair styling skills. Unfortunately with our electrolysis and activity schedules, our only night that each of us can make it out is Wednesday. Wednesday....hump day....does anything really happen on a Wednesday?

I know the combination

I stopped by the Cocoon House again last week. Sarah was doing pretty good. She had the nose packing out, and the chin straps were off. She was obviously still swollen, but still, she was doing great. I dragged Marina along this time as she is about the biggest Dr. O fan there is. Rachel stopped by again as well, and we chatted a little more about the famous Dr. O.

Electrolysis went well this weekend. She cleared most of the lower goatee and started working into the cheeks. We’re getting there...slowly.

I stayed with Brooke overnight this weekend. It’s a lot easier staying there than driving home while still on the medication, and then driving back the following day. She was on her bike earlier in the week when she was hit by an SUV. She walked away from the accident, but this girl is one tough cookie. Since she was without a bike, she actually rode with me to electrolysis since she had the appointment after me. As she sat down into my car, she looked sore....something I have never seen with her before. This girl is super-human. She doesn’t take any pain killers for electrolysis, and says she can’t even feel it anymore. Wow. She felt pain while sitting down though. I wonder just how much it’s hurting her.

I went shopping after I was done getting zapped. I just hate buying girl stuff while in boy mode, though, since it is very hard to try the items on. The lines were just too long, and I didn’t feel like putting up with the stares and questions of seeing if they fit or not. I guessed on sizes. Those guesses turned out pretty good. Lucky me.

Brooke and I got lunch after her session. She porked out on ribs since she said she usually gets really really hungry any time she is injured. I don’t blame her...I have comfort food every week after electrolysis as a reward for getting thru the pain.

Happy HRT

Yesterday was one year HRT for me. Yeah! Looking at the measurements I have taken over the past year, the two biggest movers are my neck and hip measurements. My neck has gone down almost an inch, now sitting near 14.5”, and my hips are up an inch to around 36”. There is still a little boy fat hanging around the mid section, but I have never had a really super skinny waist...too much muscle. It’s now just under 30” after starting at 31”.

You win some, you lose some.

My parents and sister did pretty good with my news when I first came out. They told me they loved me and that they would be there for me. Sure, some are dragging their feet still, but they haven’t threatened me, nor have they treated me bad.

My friend Courtney on the East Coast sent her parents and grandmother her coming out letter last weekend. They received it most likely on Monday. Her grandmother called her shortly thereafter. Her parents didn’t even call until the end of the week, and they basically have given her an ultimatum...go back to being a boy, or they are ditching her. How inhumane! Courtney’s ex-gf’s family has been very supportive though, which is a super bonus for Courtney. I feel so sorry for her situation. I can’t believe someone’s parents would actually state something like that, but I hope they will change their mind over time. Parents are supposed to be loving and supportive of their children, no matter what. I know having your son or daughter come out as being a TS is very hard, but still, it would be nice if they showed some compassion. It’s tough enough coming out to the ones you love...and telling them who you really are.

Mark’s Daily Comment brought to you by....

Yep, this guy again. He stops by my cube again and sees an open notebook:

“Long hair...nice handwritting...are you sure you’re not a chick?”

Against Mark’s better judgement, my handwritting is not that neat. I think he just wants to see it that way. Who knows.

Butterflies.

I stopped by the Cocoon House the other day to visit Sarah from the NW who just had Dr. O surgery last week and was recovering. I met her thru Renee who has visited the Bay Area on occasion. I’d never been to the Cocoon House before, so this was my first trip. I’d met several Dr. O grads before, but these were fresh ones. Sarah had the usual Dr. O garments on, while her mom was there to assist with the lovely days between surgery and feeling better. Another Sarah was also bunked up in the back room. Gwen was in the front room. The other Sarah was there for a free touchup on her nose after her surgery from a year and a half ago. That’s right...on Dr. O’s penny. We all had a nice little conversation, and continued it when Rachel and Jen showed up, both Dr. O grads as well, and friends of one of the Sarahs. Jen was a knockout....wow. Tall, thin, blonde, pretty face, nice voice, and young. So jealous. All five agreed that the money they spent on Dr. O was worth every penny and that they were glad each of them did it. So cool. My consult is next month!!!

PFLAG Meeting

Marina was down again tonite. She knew that I had been to PFLAG meetings in the area, and she was interested in the organization’s potential assistance with her own family when she comes out to them. So, her in her lesbian outfit, and I in boy mode made our way to the meeting.

I’ve been going for at least six months and have found their meetings to be invaluable. The group was established to help the parents of mainly gay and lesbian youth accept who their children are. They’ve listened to my story a few times, and they can relate so well to the reactions of my own family. The denial, the “blaming themselves for this happening to me”, and the “how can we fix you” stage are all things that relate LGBT parents to one another. One set of parents told me that it took them 5 years to come out of their own closet once their son came out of his. But they also enlightened me that it took their son twenty some years to come out, and they needed their own time to come out. So true. So, that’s when I realized that I needed to give my family their own time to “come out.” My mom didn’t take long, but the others can take as long as they like. I hope they come around at some point...and I will always be there when they do.

I’m usually the only T person or relative of a T that shows up. They have all been fairly inquisitive about me. All the times I went, I went in boy mode...except last time. Many did not initially recognize me, and in fact, one lady tonite wondered who I was but she had been at the last meeting. Anyway, the leaders of the meeting said they had a story to tell. Their lesbian daughter’s lover is now in the process of transitioning to being a man. So, there was further inquiry as to this female who was to be a man, but the reactions of others from my own perspective still seemed quite extreme. I guess I am just numb to the whole thing.

Marina and I grabbed dinner afterward. She had her shirt on properly this time. We talked about websites like Authentikate’s and Genderpeace. I told her Courtney and I had talked about it the other day. Court has genderjourney.net. I told her I was putting together a journal as well, because the experiences that are told first hand are incredibly valuable for all the different generations. I told her I had looked at Karacter or Karasma, but they just didn’t sound that good. I like positivity, but it’s already taken. Of course, there is this site, or just making one with just the name. In the meantime, this one is only costing me the price of AOL so I’ll probably stick with it for a while.

Freaky Fridays and more

Friday was weird. I had my appointment to see the Ear, Nose, Throat Doc. He checks the report from the audiologist....perfect hearing. Whoo hoo!!! So, then he looks in the ears. Yep, they look fine. So, now he brings out this scope device and says he wants to look up my nose.

Eeewwww.

He takes out this power sprayer and shoots some brownish liquid up my nose to numb it. Nice. It tasted horrible as the spray made it all the way to the back of my mouth and trickled down my throat.

OK, all numb.

In goes this scope as he watches from the eye piece on the other end of it. Sorry, no live video feed. He kinda gives me a play-by-play account as he makes his way around. He finally gets to one point and says that I have a deflected septum...and that he’s going to push past it. eeeewww! So, this guy is pushing on this scope device in a place that feels like it's back inside my head. That did not feel so good. He finally makes it past it and takes a look at my Eustachian tube, then goes back to the play-by-play announcing. “We’re going to look at the other Eustachian tube from this side and see how it appears.” After that, he pulled the scope back out....past the deflection.

Eeeewwwww!

The other nostril was a bit easier...no deflection to push past. Anyway, he couldn’t find anything wrong with me either. He said he could fix the deflected septum, but he didn’t think that would really solve my hearing issue. My head felt weird the rest of the day, though...like it had been violated. I will have to tell Dr. O about the deflected septum next month when I visit him for a consult, even though he is not recommended for soft tissue work. His bony work is to die for, though.

I went home for lunch Friday. I walk in the front door....and nothing. Usually there is Scooby (I call her Boobers) right there with a tennis ball in her mouth. She’s my roomie’s boyfriend’s dog. So, I think my roomie must be home and out walking her. I open the door to my room (I usually keep the door shut so the dog won’t get in there) and out walks Boobers. “What the hell are you doing in here dog?” “Great!” I think, the dog has been up on my bed and has hair all over the place. So, I look on my bed and there is a huge wet spot. Not cool! OK, the dog is kinda freaky, lovable, but still freaky. In the past, she has locked herself in the bathroom during rainstorms. Now, the Bay Area does not get thunderstorms....they get rainstorms if you can even call them that. It’s like a light sprinkle that just kinda continues on and on.....if and when it does rain. Otherwise, it really doesn’t do much out here...weather-wise. So, the dog is a bit of a whack job...I think she’s really a cat stuck in a dog’s body. The power had been scheduled to be out for service, so my roomie had made sure that the bathroom door was shut so Boobers couldn’t lock herself in there again. I usually close my door as well, but I guess it had been open that morning.

So, I spent the lunch hour kinda cleaning up my sheets and mattress. Fun. My roomies also helped clean my mattress later on. It smells a lot better now, but it’s still kinda freaky knowing the dog peed in my bed. Of course, I had to flip the bed.

(OK, in looking up ‘peed’ in my dictionary to ensure that I spelled it correctly, I found that the origin of ‘pee’ comes from the first letter of ‘piss’. Hmmm. Also, while looking thru the dictionary I found the word ‘pizzle’. It means “1. The penis of an animal. 2. A whip made from an animal’s penis.” That must be a short whip. Freaky.)

I hung out at a coworker’s BBQ yesterday with my friend Kathy. In sort of a strange activity, they had everyone paint flower pots. I did more of a field scene. Kathy was impressed, so she showed it around. More people were impressed. My coworker had an artist at his BBQ as well, and showed the pot to him. He said I showed good promise...and that I should continue to paint. Hmmm.....interesting. My coworker actually said something about me really showing my creative side of late with the play, the painting, and taking a dance class this fall. Hey, if he wants to call it a creative side, that’s fine with me. Creative Kara....has a nice ring to it.

Kathy and I went to see the movie Terminator 3 after the BBQ. Whew...what a bleak movie. I thought for sure we were going to get another cool ending, but nope! Bleak movies really give me the chills. It makes me think about the mortality stuff again. They didn’t have Linda Hamilton back for #3 so they made up an excuse to kill her off. Leukemia...fought it for three years. My grandfather had leukemia and didn’t make it past a year. I remember watching him sleep in ICU. It was disheartening being a 15 year old watching your grandfather die. It’s devastating to think how your body just conspires against you from within. I think that’s one of the worst ways to go....knowing you are going to die by something you can’t prevent. I just hope that my body doesn’t deceive me....not yet.

Disoriented with details

Marina and I had dinner this past Thursday. She stopped by after having some clean-up done on the face....picking up strays here and there (but her face is basically clear of hair). We chatted about important topics like life, death, transition, how 90% of your brain is tackling transition leaving the remaining 10% to do all the rest including work, and....”Marina, is your shirt on backwards?”

“Yeah...” she responded while looking down at her purple shirt.

“Why did you have it off?” I asked in the most innocent way with a huge grin on my face.

“They worked on my torso...and I was a little disoriented from the drugs when I put it back on.”

I thought it was cute...she handled it so well, but of course I gave her some crap about having her shirt off. She sneaked a jacket on to cover it.

Money, money, money...take 2.

I stopped by my bank yesterday to see what type of personal loans they have. I’d like to have Dr. O work some type of voodoo on the face early next year coupled with me going full time. So, I’m talking to some guy named Carlos at my bank and he mentions that the interest rate on a personal loan is 9.9%. :O Huh? 9.9%? WTF? I can get a better interest rate on the back of a cereal box. OK, so give me a good term. “36...months” Double WTF! Three years to pay back some $30-40,000 for FFS. That’s whacked!

So, today, I have a banker guy IM’ing me. He likes Tgirls. Hey, I’m not one to judge, but I severely doubt I will ever end up with any of these guys that likes me because I have a penis. I told him about my fun conversation with Carlos and that I thought about borrowing from my 401k, if they’ll let me. He says not to do that, and instead sends me a list of sites to check about financing transition related surgeries. If I find anything good, I’ll post them.

Speaking of money, I got a raise last week. It was company wide. Unfortunately, it was not as high as I was hoping for. I am, however, glad to receive any raise at all, especially when I am quite thankful that I still have a job. I hope I’ll still have one once I am out. I received half a percentage point below the average raise. Perhaps I should break my story down a little more. My boss left last year. His boss left a few months later. So, now I am under my old boss’ boss’ boss. That’s kinda bossy. My coworker was made the supervisor of our group, mainly because he had been there the longest, but our little group is thrown in with all these other groups who are totally different from what we do since we actually make money. This other group just released a new product though, that will hopefully make a lot of money for the company and make my stock options actually worth something. So, anyway, this other group ends up with a higher raise. I guess their higher raise had to come from somewhere.

So, I sent an email to my HR contact this week about the signing of the anti discrimination bill that the California government passed. I told her it becomes effective on January 1, 2004 and that I’d like to do a face-to-face on January 2, if she is available. They sound like they are finally starting to come around to all of this...slowly.

Money, money, money.

As if money wasn’t on my mind enough during transition, I was selected to participate in a focus group for the US Mint tonite. Finding parking in SF is horrible, just to reiterate that. Although many of the ideas we mentioned were things they had already thought about, my best suggestion was releasing revised versions of the Wheat Penny in limited releases. The rest was stuff that had already been thought of. Some of the products they presented, though, were met by my reoccurring statement “Somebody will buy it, but not me.” So, if you see a new wheat penny any time soon, just remember, you heard it here first. :)

Doc, it hurts when I bump my boobs the wrong way.

Over the past year, I’ve had this thing with my left ear. I can hear internal sounds very loud...such as my breathing, talking, even my heart beating. No, I don’t hear voices (as my friends usually ask when I tell them that), but I hear my own voice very loud in one ear. It’s very annoying especially when I am trying to sing or practice the girl voice.

So, I went to the doctor....well....attempted to see the doctor late last year. I had been on hormones for about 3-4 months, so this was my first time going to the hospital when I knew they would ask me the question “Are you on any medications?” The doctor was out sick, so they scheduled me with the Nurse Practitioner. Hey, I’m an equal opportunity person, so, sure, why not. The prep-nurse did the normal blood pressure, temperature, blah blah stuff and then asked what medications I was taking. So, I told her Premarin and Spironolactone. I had to spell the latter one for her. So, now I’m sitting in the exam room when in walks the NP. She’s looking at the charts and asks “Are you taking Premarin?”

“Yes.”

“Why are you taking that?”

“Because my therapist prescribed it.”

“Why did they prescribe it?”

“Because I’m a transsexual.”

If you could have seen the wheels o’spinning at that point. “Ooooohhhhhhhh....your changing your gender?” with eyes wide open. Hey, I’m not one to correct grammar on the whole sex-gender topic thing, so I just said “yeah.”

Well, her solution for my ear thing didn’t work, so I went back to the Doctor again. This time I made it in to see him. My therapist had asked me who my general practitioner was, and when I told her my Doc, she said he was great with TS, and had a number of TS under his care already. Sweet.

So, I was waiting in the exam room again after having to show the nurse how to spell spironolactone again. By the way, the blood pressure really does drop on spiro. Anyway, in walks the Doc. He seems pretty friendly, and says that he has reviewed my charts. He mentions my therapist and the TS stuff, and asks how I am doing. Pretty good I tell him. We talked about the TS stuff for a while and about my ear. He writes a prescription for it and notes some other medicines to take, and off I go.

Well, the ear is still bugging me this summer, so back I go. I was hoping to see a specialist this time, but I have to start with my own Doc. So, I’m in to see him again...blood pressure 130/56, pulse 55...not bad (I’ve seen my pressure as low as 110/55 since starting on Spiro. It used to be around 135/70). I showed the nurse how to spell Spironolactone again by telling her it was written down last time. This is getting easier. So, the Doc walks in again, we talk about some of the TS stuff, then he decides to send me to a specialist dealing with ear, nose, and throat issues. Yeah!!! I’m headed there later this week.

Coworker Mark’s conversation corner

I think this guy is really vying for attention. Today’s discussion begins with a prologue. Mark is totally hooked on late night TV. The guy lives for late night reality shows or dating shows. I think he is a little bored in his married life with 2.3 kids. He tries to live vicariously through others. That’s my interpretation of the guy.

Anyway, Mark is telling me about the Daily Show on Comedy Central last night. He talks about an interview with a Governor in West Virginia who wants to put up a wall around that state, or something, and how someone couldn’t run for Governor because they were effeminant. With those words, I just knew he was going to give some crap to me later.

About an hour later, Mark stops by my cube again and, as usual, makes a hair comment. “Oh, you put the second band back on?” I responded with “Ahhhh...the daily comment.” At first he denied it with “Nah...” but changed his tone with “....uh....yeah. I’m just giving you Schmidt” although he actually didn’t say Schmidt, but that’s all I’m really allowed to write on here because it’s AOL and someone might get pissed by reading the really bad words. I told him I was going to start wearing colored ponytail bands soon, just for him. He said he’d bring his daughter’s pink ones in for me, but that I wouldn’t be able to run for Governor of West Virginia then. I asked him what he meant by that, but he had already started up another conversation with a passerby.

Me and Death just don’t get along. I think I pissed him off.

That’s my best introduction for this. From one of my posts on a TS board:

I'm actually one of those that has not considered suicide. I guess I've always valued life too much...and I'm scared to death of dying. I think my T issues and death issues have been closely related for a long time. I used to cry as a kid while sitting in my bed supposedly taking a nap. I knew that one day I would be dead and would no longer be here to experience life.

Today I ran by an off-site car rental storage area. They had a bunch of new vehicles, and off to one side by themselves were cars from accidents. Since I was curious, I stopped and walked along the fence next to these cars. Most were just fender benders where the airbag had definitely gone off, but there were two cars where the driver obviously did not survive. It's so gruesome to realize that these people were just driving along, and then an instance later....dead...no longer there.

So, please, although the TS life is not easy, it's not worth being gone. Your sisters are here for you...in this group, and all around. Reach out, and they'll reach out to you....I promise.

Will Mark have his own little section in here?

My coworker Mark has now turned his weekly comments into almost daily comments. I think he’s just pushing for more web space. Last week he sneaks up on me in my cube and pretends to cut off my ponytail. Then he says “You should get your hair cut and go back to being a man.” OK, these “Holy Shit” feelings have got to stop. After the brief panic, I just started laughing. Mark, Mark, Mark..what will we do with you?

The following day, he stops by and makes a comment that I don’t have the lower ponytail ring in my hair. I told him it didn’t look too good that way. Then he says I have Loverboy hair. Who the hell is that? OK, so I’m not an 80’s pop fan, sue me. After further discussion about my hair, I asked him if he was ok with it the way it was. He said “I’m OK with whatever, as long as you are OK with yourself.” Hmmm...does he know?

In further comments from coworkers, last week I was talking with some friends before a meeting got started. Somehow we got on the subject of me being in Paris at 45 and living as a painter. My coworker laughs at how I always like to draw on the whiteboard. So, I ask him why “45 in Paris.” He says something to do with a midlife crisis. I laughed, “Huh, I’ve already had several of those!” He responds with “Why?” OK, now how am I supposed to answer that? Another coworker chimes in, “Go for a run and figure out who you are.” I ended the conversation with “I already did.”

Another coworker and I were in a conversation about a vendor. She said I wasn’t harsh enough with them and that I should get them to dislike me since I’m not strict enough with them. I told her “Next year.” To finish up our conversation, she’s always telling me that I have no vices, and brings it up again. This time she tells me that I need to destroy my liver. I guess she doesn’t know about the hormones and my Oreo Cookie Shake cravings, huh?

It's a small world after all...

When I was 6 and in first grade, I was in a school play along with the rest of my classmates. I wore this little globe and came out spinning around while my classmates sang “It’s a small world.” The entire audience was laughing at me. How devastating, huh? Yeah, I can still remember it, but you know, I really don’t remember it phasing me. I think I had some of the “you don’t know what your missing” attitude going then. If my arms weren’t inside the globe, they would have talked to the hand. When they were done with the song, I read a little poem that I had memorized. I wish I remembered it.

This past weekend at electrolysis, there was a guy before me. Yeah, a guy. He was having a little work done down below....I guess to make it a little easier for the ladies to do their thing. Hey, whatever, ya know. He was taking a look at some of the TS activity pics on the hall wall, and he seemed pretty ok with transsexuals. I showed him a pic of me, and he said I did pretty good. While he was waiting on his cab, we talked a little. Funny thing...we actually knew some of the same people. I could tell he was a little embarrassed all of a sudden as thoughts ran thru his head of word getting out on what he was doing. I calmed him down by telling him this would be our little secret. Well, close enough....don’t tell anyone, OK?

When I was headed to Diva’s Saturday night, I could only find a parking spot about a mile away. OK, it wasn’t that far. So, here I am checking my lipstick in the mirror and I see a coworker walking down the sidewalk with two other people. I hate those “holy shit” feelings. Anyway, I just hid partially, while trying to stay calm. He was just talking with his friends, though, so they never even saw me. For such a big city, you’d think I would never have this trouble.

Ups and downs

I was invited to a fundraiser event tonite for some of my old castmates from La Cage. They hosted a dinner and little live entertainment. Unfortunately, they sent late notice to me, so I wasn’t able to find anyone to go with me in time. I called Marina on my way over to Oakland to see what she was doing afterward, and she said to give her a call. I enjoyed the pasta, caught up with some old castmates (one of which was playing a Drag Queen that night who said I was doing wonderful with my transition), met some new very nice people, then drove over to SF. I called Marina, but no answer. So, I decided I would drive around SF for a while to see if Marina called back. Well, I figured I might as well hang out for a while, and headed over to Diva’s. It’s fairly safe for a TS there, and there are some incredible girls there.

Don’t ever go to Diva’s if you are feeling down because the girls in there are just incredible. The little Asian and Latina girls are just so femme from their hair, to their bodies, to some with very nice voices. And a lot of them are small...smaller than me, with very nice curves. When I first went in there a few years ago, they made me feel like a man in a dress. Now they make me feel like a grandma walking around in there. Sure, I do ok for one of the few white girls in there (no, I’m not a racist), but compared to the others, whew...I don’t even want to think about it. And of course, celebrating another year and seeing those girls, really drags me down a bit. I’ll never end up killing myself, but it’s insane to see how good those girls look at such a young age. The bad part is that some of them are already HIV positive.