A Eulogy for Claire

A friend of mine and her husband were over for lunch last year.  We chatted about how we were all doing and everything that was going on in our lives.  Later in our conversation, I asked her if she had talked to Claire lately.  

"I'm not sure she is on this planet anymore," she replied.

My heart dropped.

She told me that she thought Claire had died.

It makes me sad.

It makes me sad that a close "high school" friend died.

It makes me sad that I never got to say good-bye.

It makes me sad that she likely died alone.

Knowing her, she likely would have preferred it that way.

I met Claire twenty-two years ago tonight.  The last time we saw one another was almost eight years ago.  She tended to be a fairly private person.  She also lived several hundred miles away, and because of that, we usually only chatted when she was up here, or I was down there.

When I first met Claire, it was her first interactive time out in public.  We chatted over dinner and dessert, and I think we walked around in the Castro a little.  It's been a while.  A long while.

We hung out a lot over the years, especially during those transition years.  We had a number of things in common, but we were different in so many ways.

She came to my wedding.  She met my oldest child.  She slept on my couch a couple of times.  My dog loved her.

She was a natural athlete.  We threw the ball here and there.  She eventually found sports to be her passion, and she gave back to the community by coaching kids sports.

She was such a gentle soul.  With a lead foot.

She had a warm heart.  And was competitive as hell.

She would laugh at my dumb jokes.  But she would call me a dork.

I miss our foody "adventures."  I miss our long-standing rivalry over who got to wear the long, black, fuzzy sweater-coat (she wore it first, but I claimed status once she moved away).  I miss playing pool with her.

I miss her.

She was my friend.  But as two military brats, we weren't great at staying in contact.  The last time I texted her was the night before she died.

She never responded.

I can't imagine what she was going through in the days before her death.  I'll likely never have an answer to any of it.  She would have preferred it that way.  

I had my implants removed (and now I need my card back)

During the Covid Pandemic, I, like a lot of people, gained a little weight.  I weighed the most I have ever weighed during the pandemic.

For me, it was a combination of stress and then compensating by eating ice cream after lunch while working at home.  I was also unable to run and workout like I normally do since I had a knot pop up on my right Achilles tendon.  I was in virtual physical therapy for over a year, but finally made it through.

By eliminating the ice cream after lunch and starting to work out again, I lost the weight that I had gained.

It also felt like my breasts had gotten a little bigger when I had gained a little weight or maybe because I wasn't working out as much, or maybe they had just taken a long time to grow.

Anyway, they felt bigger. Like.  Bigger.

I got implants in December of 2005.  When I got them, I had conflicting thoughts.  They looked great, but I could also feel the implants below my chest muscles.  They also felt big, like, maybe too big.  I went from a small A to a good sized C in the blink of an eye.  I was hoping for a B, especially since I play sports and workout.

I knew that implants were not considered permanent, and that they last 15-20 years.  Also, as we age, the implant might not be in the optimal position that it was 15-20 years ago.

Fortunately for me, Dr. Gray, the surgeon who put in my implants, was still in business.  I still think he is one of the best surgeons for breast augmentation, especially since he can do all of his work through such a tiny incision.  I set up a consult early this year for implant removal.  

He said that he sees a number of patients have their implants removed.  He said of those that have them removed, about half have implants put back in.  He said that number used to be higher.

I don't see me putting implants back in.

I asked him if I would need a breast lift, and he said no, but he also offered a procedure called BodyTite that could help tighten things up.  So, I signed up for that, too.

And, so, last month, I had the 375cc implants removed.  A long time ago, he said cup sizes were about 200cc and that I would gain 2 cup sizes with the 375cc implants.  I felt like my breasts had grown to a D, so going two cup sizes smaller would make me a B...which is what I was hoping for all along.

I missed filling two prescription meds before surgery, one being the Ativan pill I was supposed to take when I showed up for surgery.  Honestly, I was pretty chill, so things were fine.  The other was filled by my wife before she picked me up after surgery.

Once the IV was in my arm, I kinda just sat around looking at my phone until Dr. Gray arrived.  Once he showed up, things moved relatively fast and I was in the OR and on the table.  They started talking about Star Wars or Star Trek, I made a comment, and then I was out.

Surgery was about 2.5 hours.  Things went well and I was up and out in no time.  My wife drove me home and I only had mild pain.  I took a pain pill and a nap that afternoon, but, honestly, things went well and there was only minimal pain afterward.

I used the pain pills at night, but they put me on a pill that I'd never heard of called Tramadol.  I had some weird interactions with it, namely I would fall asleep with it, but I'd seem to wake up soon after.  I would eventually make it to sleep, but my internal night timer would be off.  For example, if I wake up at night, I can usually tell approximately what time it is.  I woke up one night and thought it was around 3, but it was only around 1am.  That happened every night I took the stuff.  I'd also wake up every morning as though I just had a fresh cup of coffee.

I switched to the Celecoxib after multiple days of Tramadol.  I got better sleep, but felt groggy in the morning.

Early on after the implants were out, there was fluid and swelling in the breast area.  I knew that what I saw then would be bigger than what I would end up with.  Now that I am approaching a month, I can tell that I have a nice B cup, which, again, is what I wanted all along.

I wonder if I had simply waited long enough for the breasts to develop that I never would have needed the implants.

Bah...patience...who has time for that?

2021 San Francisco Transgender Film Festival Reviews.

(OK, I am like a year late in posting this.  Life happens, kids stay busy, and work is bonkers.)

With the 2020 San Francisco Transgender Film Festival being virtual and the pandemic still hanging around, I was happy to see the 2021 SF Transgender Film Festival still virtual.  It's a lot easier to watch the films in the comfort of my own home after the kids have gone to bed.  If the festival wasn't virtual, I'd probably miss all of the films due to the kids, wife, and just driving to the city.

One bad, thing, though, is that it feels like there might be too many films in the festival...and with so many, the overall quality goes down.  Also, it feels like the pandemic also affected the ability to make films.  For instance, there were very few films that had more than two people interacting.

So, here is my short list of films I'm reviewing:

Trans
Two older women talk about one of their grandchildren being trans.  Although there were no trans actors in the program, the discussion between the two women was engaging and the quality of the film was good.

Coming Out
This stop motion film using Godzilla and Godzilla's child was actually pretty good.  I thought the message and humor mixed well together for a responsible parent's reaction to their child coming out.

Nimzo
Although a portion of the plot was serious (trying to find T during the pandemic), the rest of the film's story didn't quite fit for me.  Of note, though, was the performance of River Gallo who previously starred in another trans film called Ponyboi.  River's acting has been very good and I like the depth of characters I've seen in the past two films.

Four Fruit Bites
This film kinda set the tone of the film festival with a lot of documentary style or one-on-one interviews.  Four unique individuals are interviewed to talk about identity and sexuality.  The conversations with RC were a hoot and I enjoyed his honesty.  This film had great editing, visualization, and interesting stories.

Sorry, Out of Gender (feat. Shonalika)
When I first started watching this music video, I thought the lead singer was cis, but then realized that I honestly don't know.  Shonalika looks pretty amazing and sounds like a woman with a deep voice...but not a male voice.  The lyrics are interesting, but I was expecting some type of singing chorus rather than the continual spoken word type rap...or whatever it is.  I am far from a music expert.  The video is pretty good quality and the editing held it together.

Fuel for Life: Blake Hansen
A biker talks about her early journey through life while showing her ride her bike, working out, and enjoying a day with friends.  The cinematography, editing, visuals, and flow are good.  One might think that riding her bike out in the middle of nowhere is the physical representation of escaping all of the hardships that life throws at transpeople; and that it is easier to be yourself when no one else is judging you.  I liked the film, but it also seemed a bit formulaic.

Gender X
This film was an interesting look at a number of Pakistani transwomen.  There were some serious moments in this film, and it is an honest look at what some transpeople face around the world.

...and the winner this year is (I should come up with a name for it...hmm..maybe something like TranScript?):

Ummm...well, I really want to say none, but I think I'll give my TranScript to....Coming Out.  I like the quality and the story, but, eh...I'll just leave it at that.

2020 San Francisco Transgender Film Festival Reviews

Like everything else in the Bay Area since March, the 2020 San Francisco Transgender Film Festival went virtual.  Since I have kids and can't really get out for several evenings in a row to watch movies, this actually worked well for me.  I do miss seeing a lot of old faces, but, hey, we're in the middle of a freaking pandemic.

And, yes, I do realize that the film festival was over a month ago...perhaps you missed sentence #2 where I said I have kids.  Fortunately, I also have a job during this pandemic, and it (along with my kids) has kept me very busy.

OK, so, there were a lot of films.  Not all were good, but I did find some gems.  My notes are scarce on some of them, but for the ones that were good, I'll write a little more.  Alright, let's do it...here are my reviews:

Let's start with the mediocre ones:

Light on a Path, Follow
Do you want to watch a trans masculine person walk about in the woods and go through labor pains?  Well, that is this movie.

Ibb Kya Kothie
I had to turn the captions on for this one as I had a hard time understanding.  The scenes were a little jumpy, but the story of a transwoman trying to raise an adopted daughter showed some of the struggles of living in India.

Sam's Town
This was a story of two people grieving over the loss of a shared loved one, but I didn't feel there was any character development and I still can't tell what the issue was.  The film quality was good.

The Coffee Name Game
This quirky film might have been better with less focus on one coffee shop and a very rapid Groundhog Day feel.

Lady Shot
Six minutes to give oneself a shot.

Lou: A San Francisco Fantasy
A mix of new and archival film.  I got lost early and moved on to the next film.

Vincy
Hmm...this felt like a queer trans blog entry from a Millenial.

A Poem to Everyone in My Life Who Misgenders Me (And Thinks Its No Big Deal)
Another blog entry put onto film.

Float Bitch (trailer)
This was an interesting combo of a blog entry and some serious jazzercise dancing.  I really liked the intro, but then it felt like it strayed too far from the opening.

Fruits de Mer
I don't even know how to describe this one.  Ummm...happy mermaid kings of Manhattan smoking pot?

Here are some that were OK, but needed a little more:

Satan's Tears
This was a music video choreographed with interesting imagery, but the song needed a little more for me.

I am Samantha
This was a quirky little music video with some heartfelt messages.  All of the people in the video are trans.

Gotta Move
This was 2 minutes of a drag queen running in high heels through the middle of suburbia while pulling her luggage and lip syncing to Barbara Streisand.  I gotta admit...I could not stop watching this one.

Ponyboi
This movie had some interesting parts to it.  The quality and acting were good, but the story sometimes went astray for me. (Nudity)

And here are the good ones:

Tell By Date (imdb)
The cinematography was good, acting was great, and it had a good story flow.  I can also connect with this story since my wife and I have also talked about how to tell our children that I am their biological father.  The whole "Darth Leia" dream definitely brought up my own thoughts of one day telling my sons, "Luke, I am your father."

Waking Hour
This was an interesting film.  The quality was really good and the acting was legit.  I wasn't sure where the film was going to go, but it had some real suspense.  Overall, I liked it.

Playback (trailer)
I liked this film from Cordoba, Argentina's past.  The film has high quality in its narrative and uses imagery from the 80's.  I think the story really got me and I enjoyed this more than I thought I would.

Catcher in the Rye
This was a music video from Ryan Cassata.  I saw him years ago in another film called Songs for Alexis.  The quality was good and I liked the music.  It seems like his music has matured since I last saw him.  I also have a feeling this is not the last time I will see him.

62-84, I Didn't Copy That, HQ (imdb)
This was a very powerful film from Turkey that finds three people's lives crossing one fateful evening.

Peace of Mind
A transman narrates their coming out with cartoon imagery.  It was short and cute.

Gay As In Happy:  A Queer Anti-Tragedy
This was a "big fuck you" blog entry, but the quality was good, the message engaging, and the narrative flowed well.

The More Things Change (imdb)
Apparently this was the pilot episode of a proposed series based on a workaholic transwoman.  The production quality, script, and acting were good.

Projecting (director/actor)
This was a cute short film about a transman and his girlfriend.  Events in their lives flash before them as they read a poem in a bathtub.  (Some mild nudity.)  

My winner:  Tell By Date.

Honorable mentions: Waking Hour, Playback, The More Things Change, and 62-84, I Didn't Copy That, HQ.

P.S. I started watching Sense8 since I am riding my stationary bike late at night many nights a week and need something to watch.  In the first episode of Sense8, I saw many of the people that run the San Francisco Transgender Film Festival.  That's cool that they were able to get some representation in a major Netflix series.  Too bad I am like 4 years late on this, but, we can just go back to sentence #2, again, and say that I have kids.

Reflections

I'm at home (instead of work) taking care of my two little boys.  The toddler was sick yesterday; the baby is sick today.  Neither can go to daycare due to the fever rules, and the other momma is off at work.  With the toddler napping, and the baby either napping or sitting in my lap, I've been reposting stuff into this blog that I still hadn't moved over from my old AOL site.  That group of repostings comes around 14 years ago, in the time before and during my SRS in Arizona.  In one of the entries, I talked about never having a family, or children, or a dog.  Right now, I have all of them...a wife, 2 kids, a dog, and a house in the burbs.  Did I ever dream I would actually have this?

Probably not.

Did I ever hope I would have it?

Sure.

That was why I stored sperm back in 2002...before I started hormones.  Those deposits have lead to a long road to two boys.

It was quite reminiscent reading back through my time at Greenbaum and Donna Rose's place, along with who went along with me and all of the people I met there.  On my vaginal deepening trip in 2016, I ran into a few of the people I had seen in 2005 who still remembered me.  It was sorta like my own little high school reunion.

I read my entry from the day after SRS and remembered that Amber had stayed in my room that night to watch over me.  With my baby in my lap, I texted her, "Thanks for watching over me 14 years ago.  Seems so long ago."

2 Months Post-Op Vaginal Deepening

It's been two months since I had the vaginal deepening procedure with Dr. Meltzer.  I've been dilating twice a day with #3 for almost a month to the same depth I had right after surgery.  That's good.

I typically lube up the end of the dilator and then any excess is used to pre-lube my vagina.  I waited about a month after surgery before I started doing this, just in case things inside hadn't fully healed.  Now, though, when I do this, I can feel the scar along both sides.  Dr. Meltzer said he would open things up along each side, and he was right.

It feels a little rough...sorta like the surface of the tongue.

I'm still trying to get the graft site fully healed.  I have about a 5mm portion in the middle of the incision that is still "open" and trying to heal.  Dr. Meltzer's office has had me put this other antibiotic cream on it besides Bacitracin.  It started out at around 40mm of an "open" area in the middle, so it's come a long way.  I'm just hoping I can get this last little portion closed up and then start working on the scar.

My mid-section above the graft site is still numb.  Some feeling has returned, but not much.  It also still seems a bit swollen in the same area that is numb.  I assume that part of the skin was lifted off and then sutured back down in order to account for the missing skin.

I was ready to start exercising just 3 weeks after surgery, but my wife said "no...not until the mid-area was healed."  I was itching to get back out for a run, though, so I went for a run this past Tuesday...almost 2 months after surgery.  When I started out, my mid-section felt tight and it felt like I ran with a slight forward lean for a while.

Wow, though, I was super sore right after the run.  I also ran about a minute slower on my 2-mile route, which seems pretty good considering the gap in working out and the moderate surgery I recovered from.

I also went for a run Friday night.  It was a little faster and I wasn't as sore right after.  My calves were tight, though, so they deserved a little extra stretching.

Post Op Day 7

The half of a pain pill that I took before bed worked OK, but not great.  I was able to get to sleep, but nothing like the warm feeling that came over me.  I woke up at 2am and dilated on the couch, washed up, then popped a full pain pill.  I felt a little warmth kick in as I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up around 7am and dilated again.  Fun stuff.

My wife slept in until 10am.  She's a sleeper.  The good thing, though, is that I get a little me-time to write or read while she is asleep.

Between the dilations, I've basically just gone for three walks today.  We haven't really done much since I'm still incapacitated from both the surgery and the timing of the dilations.

A representative from the Greenbaum Surgery Center called this morning to check in.  I told them I was doing well and that the nurses that cared for me there were fantastic.

According to Kaiser, we could have flown home today.  We decided to stay an extra day on our own dime just to be sure.  In this case of many unknowns, I feel it's better to be safe than sorry.

I'll dilate late tonight, take my pain pill, and hopefully drift off to sleep.

We fly out tomorrow.