Everything ends. It’s such a grim statement, but, unfortunately, it’s the honest truth. I suppose if you look at things relatively, though, some things never end.
The river will always flow, the ocean will always spray, the earth will always spin, the sun will always shine...at least they most likely will in our lifetimes.
I’m flying home today. In the flight from San Francisco to LA and then on to Oz, I’ve spent the past few hours reading Randy Pausch’s book The Last Lecture. Randy Pausch delivered his Last Lecture at Carnegie Melon almost a year ago, and if you haven’t seen the video by now or at least heard about all of it, it’s really worth taking a glimpse. In this case, I actually recommend watching the movie first before reading the book. I just realized this, but, believe it or not, I’ve always wanted to say that AND actually mean it.
Anyway, while having seen the Last Lecture from last year, I knew I had to get the book when I saw it in the store. I don’t read many books. I know, I’m bad...I should read more. But out of those books I have read, I’ve read some good ones. And, hell, if someone ever asks me what was the last book I read, I’ll be able to say “The Last Lecture”.
A good portion of the book was already presented at the actual lecture, but there is enough new material that it actually gives you some of the back story and post-lecture information to make it a really good read.
There were times when I was reading the book where I just plain started to cry. Sometimes I had to put the book down and stop reading just due to the overload. The domino effect, the stuffed animals, the happy stories, the feel good situations. And as I approached the ending, I really didn’t want it all to end. I already know the ending...Randy died in July. The book was finished earlier this year.
I have trouble with death. I always have.
I used to be a huge ER fan. Yes, the TV show on NBC. My favorite characters were Dr. Greene and Dr. Carter. When it was announced that Anthony Edwards was leaving the show and they would be killing off his character via a brain tumor, I had a hard time with it. In fact, I have never seen his last episode. I don’t know if I can make it through the show without having issues. Of course, that show aired back in like 2002 when I was dealing with my own transition related anxieties. I don’t know if I could make it through it now, or if it would just bring up old memories.
And as I neared the end of The Last Lecture, I really just wanted to put the book down and not dig up any issues of someone’s dying lecture...especially the touching messages he left his wife and his young kids.
But then it made me realize...my mom isn’t too far from Randy’s position. Her cancer hasn’t reached the metastasized stated that Randy’s reached...and she’s still in the fighting mode rather than the terminal stage, but she is forced to face the inevitable end sooner rather later.
Everything ends. Everything begins, too. And in between the beginning and the end, we live. It’s not obsessing over the ending, I suppose. But, in certain cases, people have the opportunity to say good bye in their own way.
If I died today, I have no message to anyone. My legacy is only written here in this blog and in the 4 or 5 journals I wrote from 1988 until I started writing online in 2003. And even then, I hid most of the T thoughts that wrecked my mind...so, it’s only half the story. I have no message to my parents, my sister, my nephews, or my friends.
My only message is in how I have lived my life. Randy did a great job in presenting his last lecture, and a wonderful job (along with a ghost writer) of putting together the finishing touches in something he likely wouldn’t have been able to present in the actual lecture due to time constraints and the emotional duress of very personal statements to his family. He says good bye on his own terms, and while he would have preferred to stick around a lot longer, he was able to leave a message to all.
And that message? While the theme of his message is that we all have dreams and if we want to fulfill those dreams, it just takes hard effort and determination to make them happen, the main message is how to lead and live your life. Even Randy mentions that he wants his children to do what they want to do...he doesn’t want to force them into something they may not want to do.
But that’s it...live YOUR life.
I had no idea how to end an entry entitled "How it all ends". I’ve written a few things out, but they don’t really sound right. And then I thought, as I sit in my parent’s home finishing this entry, that I’m glad to see my mom...and I’m glad I finished Randy’s book...because it makes every moment with her seem that much more special.
3 comments:
I thought your ending was perfect and poignant. (My parents have been gone a long time.) It reminds me of the well-known Zen story, about the man traveling across a field who encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him. Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!
Great post Kara and I wish I had something profound to say like Dr. Weiss but I'll give it my best. I come from a very small family and during the past decade I've watched as that family became even smaller. I often wondered what I would do after my Mom was gone as she's my best bud in the world. About a year ago I went through a pretty tough spell and one of the things I worried about was how I would survive when she was gone.
When I told her what I was feeling she held me tight and said that once she is gone that it will be okay, that as long as keep alive the memory of her then she will be with me till the day I die. She also told me that her gift to the world was me and my brother and that she couldn't be more proud of me.
We talked a bit about how I don't have any kids of my own and I said that when I die, that will be it, the end of my impact in this world. She laughed and said that I wasn't seeing the big picture. She let me know that each and every day is an opportunity to somehow make a difference, to give a little bit of myself so that the world of tomorrow is a bit better for those who follow.
I like to think that I've done just that. Each day, when I come home from work, I think about how my being in a classroom probably made the day a bit better for kids who have been dealt a very bad hand in life. I also think about how I've saved the lives of 3 very special dogs, all of whom weren't wanted and now bring such joy to my own life.
I think about the causes that I fight for and believe in and how each of them is geared towards making the world a wee bit better. It might not be much but it's still a gift from me and maybe just maybe, someone a long time from now will think for just a second about how my once being alive impacted the way they live.
Those things are the message that I leave the world. I suspect it's much the same for you. As my friend Kevin likes to say, "The past has already happened, the future isn't written yet, so live in the precious present and make that moment in time matter." Enjoy this time with your Mom.
Kara, this is indeed a great post. I still haven't begun to transition just yet, I do still have to live my life, as a guy and unhappy for now, but still - live.
Everything does come to an end; and while I don't want my life to end, I just don't know if I'd want to live forever. I'm just living day to day, and that's all I can do.
Kelly, you have made an impact on me. I know our emails were short, but they stick with me. Thanks!
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