Gender Diversity of a different degree

A week and a half ago, I was at the San Jose Coronation. I hung out with the usual crowd of Ally, Lisa, and Carol. During the evening, Ally and I talked a bit...especially about the crowd and our observations.

The two girls that won Co-Empress of San Jose are fairly femme. They look fabulous as seen in this photo, and, well, they seem to have a slightly different gender expression than your typical drag queen. There were also a few others in the crowd that showed slightly different drag qualities, and more regular femme qualities.

Ally called it gender diversity.

I like it. I mean, it seems like a person would be very secure with themselves to even present with gender diversity.

What is gender diversity? It's kinda hard to explain, but there are fairly distinct qualities to being a drag queen or a gay man. Drag queens in themselves have gender diversity, but there are some that do drag quite well such that the dramatized quality of it is almost absent, and a more femme quality is present. I suppose this could also be said of drag kings.

Anyway, this gender diversity deals more with a person expressing a security around different gender presentations.

As Ally and I conversed further, we talked about a number of people that expressed gender diversity. Most often, we noticed that there are some gay boys that show this quality. A few seem fairly comfortable and quite natural as women, but they are also quite comfortable being gay men. Well, they seem to be.

Perhaps it is a stage toward self acceptance, or perhaps it is just a variety of gender that does not need labels...other than to say some people are more gender diverse than others.

More women playing men

Today's movie news:

'Twilight' Star Nikki Reed To Play Transgender Woman In 'K-11'

Sigh...two more women playing men playing women.

It seems like basic knowledge that a transsexual would probably play a transsexual best. Instead, it looks like they will have a pair of attractive women playing the down and out transsexuals.

If you look back at movie history, you rarely see men playing very passable transsexuals. They always throw women in the role if they are looking for the shocking "she was born a man" scenario. It happened in Ace Ventura, and Nip/Tuck, and TransAmerica. When a man plays the role, it seems like it's more for slapstick or chills...Tootsie, Silence of the Lambs, To Wong Fu, Dressed to Kill, etc. The only one that kinda falls out of that is The Crying Game...where a man did a pretty decent job of playing a MTF transsexual, and perhaps Boys Don't Cry...where a woman played a woman becoming a man. OK, OK, they did a decent job with TransAmerica. I've heard rumors about Southern Comfort, but haven't seen anything further on it.

Anyway, I wonder when we will finally see a transsexual in a major film role.

Attraction to the Q

In my past few dating experiences, I have dated people that were fairly oblivious to the T. While the few people I did date were attracted to me, they also felt a bit of standoffishness in me. I'll admit, I did this in order for them not to get too close before I disclosed to them, and to see if I deemed them worthy of the knowledge.

Two of the girls I dated pretty much just wanted sex. The guy most likely wanted a little more.

I know that I want more than sex. Way more.

But, I'm also aware that I'm not letting people close enough to me to see much other than my sexual worthiness.

Yet, when I meet someone that is T or genderqueer, or someone that knows that I am T...and still attracted to me, that standoffishness disappears. Am I attracted only to queer people? Are they the only ones that I will give a chance?

Or am I afraid of getting my head bashed in? Am I afraid of being a name read off on November 20th? Am I afraid of letting anyone in close enough?

If I let someone in close and leave the T stuff by the wayside...and then they find out my history, I don't want that person feeling so betrayed or whatnot, that they decide to take that anger out on my skull.

I like my skull.

And, sometimes I wonder that if a "straight" is OK with my situation, is he or she then treating me as more of a sexual fantasy? Most of the men that visit Diva's are looking for sex, obviously, and there are a section of that male population that objectifies transsexuals, especially those T's that still have a penis.

I don't want to be an object.

Just yesterday, a guy pinged me on facebook, and was all of a sudden wanting to cam and stuff.

"You are shemale?"

"Nope."

- delete friend -

I don't need it, and I won't stand for it. I'm a person...we're all people...and we don't have to stand for that shit.

But it's a double-edged sword. There are some really nice people who like me for me, and I'd hate to keep them at an arm's length simply because I like my skull and don't want to feel like an object.

The 3rd date

So, I went out a few more times with this guy...let's call him R. I took Charlotte's advice, and didn't let him in on the T stuff on date #2. During our dinner date, the topic of kids came up. I asked him if he was interested in having kids, and he said yes. I told him I couldn't have kids. When he asked why and if it was biological...I said yes.

I mentioned some of this on a forum, and someone wondered if that was too much information for the second date. It could be, but it was my way of working up to the T stuff...the consequential baby steps of dating a transsexual, right?

We set up a third date at a local billiards place, and planned to grab some dinner, too. After beating him at two games of pool, we grabbed some eats. Somehow we got on the topic of sex and gender.

I forget exactly how the conversation went, but I think he asked me more about being queer and what that entailed. I told him that I had many different and complicated attractions.

I'm physically attracted to women. I'm sexually attracted to men. I'm intimately drawn to women. I'm attracted to the completion that a man provides.

Physically, women are very pretty. Their curves are very attractive, their hair is very beautiful, their skin is soft and smooth, their eyes and faces draw you in, and their figure...legs, waist, hips, ass...well, they are all very alluring.

A man in some type of decent physical shape is hot. Men are strong, muscular, and rough...and, well, when I fantasize about having sex with someone, I usually fantasize about having sex with a guy. Male/female sex is fairly attractive to me...

...but so is female/female intimacy. What is the difference? Well, while I would prefer to have sex with a guy, I'd rather be intimate with a woman. I could probably have foreplay all night long with a woman, and never have sex. I'm also a fan of body grinding or a tribbing variation, so, whatever works.

Although I will admit that female/female intimacy is incredible, there is also a fantastic feeling of completion by having sex with a man. The man's masculinity reinforces my own femininity...and the more masculine he is, the more feminine I can feel.

So, while were chatting, and even in our previous dates, he had mentioned his attraction to me...but to be honest, I didn't sense a spark from my side at all. I did want to give him a chance, though, and see if I saw anything in him that I would be attracted to. While he is definitely a masculine guy, the masculine features that I look for in a guy just weren't that strong.

Perhaps I was setting the relationship up to fail...I don't know.

I don't remember what exactly led up to my disclosure, but before I told him, I delayed for a few seconds. He leaned in to kiss me. I moved away.

He said that whatever I had to say wouldn't change the fact that he wanted to kiss me.

"It might."

And, so, I laid out the circumstances of my history and let him know that I was a transsexual. He took it OK.

But guys are weird...if you let them in on something sexual, they always seem to take it a little too far. Before I disclosed to him, somehow he let me know that he had watched T porn in the past, but didn't reach climax.

We had breakfast last weekend...after he knew my history. He had sensed my standoffishness before the disclosure, and he knew something was kinda up. He also told me he had googled a bunch of stuff on SRS and realized there were limitations. He told me he had a rather big penis...about 2" wide. My largest dilator is 1.5" in diameter, and it's pretty hard to get in there. (A friend told me these might be guy inches, and not actual dimensions.) He also acknowledged that if he saw me naked, there might be things about my body that he might not be attracted to.

Anyway, we chatted a bit more, and he surmised that I was giving him the "it's not you, it's me" speech. I'll admit it, I have a hard time letting some people in. Some of it is the T thing, while another part of it is the growing up as a military brat. As you move from place to place, you start putting less investments in your friends so it becomes less painful to say good-bye.

We hung out the following day as he took one of his dying pets to the vet, then did a little shopping when he got some good news with his pet.

I know he likes me, even with the knowledge of my past...but I don't think I was that attracted to him, nor was sex going to work very well...which eventually would have left neither of us with something to work with.

Changes

Have you ever had the convergence of many different changes in life happening around the same time? It seems like it has been that way for me lately.

A few weeks ago, my mom received word that her cancer treatments weren't working. At that time, they had no other options for her, and they told her that she basically has a year to live. Yes, it's crappy news, but I know the process of life. I love my mom, but I also know that none of us live forever. I suppose it seems like 'forever' as we age, and we almost assume that everyone in our lives will be around in our day to day activities. Because this fight against the cancer has gone on for years, I suppose it has given me time to deal with it all, and my own journey has given me insight into the whole grieving process. And, perhaps since I am a problem solver by nature, Denial and Bargaining never enter into my equation. Sure, there is a little anger at the whole dying thing, but I usually skip into the Depression and Acceptance steps pretty fast. There is no use spending energy on things I cannot change.

About a month ago, my roommate told me that she needed to move to Chicago to follow what her employer subtly said was basically her only option to stay employed. It wasn't much notice, and I had to go through the whole process of finding a new roommate. Not only that, but when she left at the buttcrack of dawn this past Sunday, she spent little time cleaning her room or bathroom. She didn't have too much stuff here since she was able to pack it all into a couple of suitcases for her flight, but she still left things in a bit of a mess...especially the bathroom. It took me 3 hours to clean it Sunday night, and then start on the rest of her room. Since I was also getting the carpets replaced, I had to move stuff around for the carpet layers on Monday and Tuesday. Shifting around the entire apartment was very physically demanding and time consuming. I don't think I have made it to bed before 1am all this week as I move, clean, and replace everything around the apartment. My new roommate has made minimal contact thus far, but she is due to move in sometime over the next week.

In my personal life, I have also found that Warcraft is too much of a time sink. I'm not doing anything creative, and I really need to. When I was at Wondercon, it really brought back my desire to write. I've already got a new story I need to start working on, and see what I can make of it. To free up time, though, I've already told myself that I'm only playing computer games 2 days a week...maximum. The hard part is the social part of the game. I've gotten to know a lot of fun and cool people to hang out with via ventrillo. Leaving them behind really makes me sad, but I suppose there are plenty of other people out in the world still to meet.

Taking on the duties of Ms. Transgender San Francisco has also led to a reflection on my involvement in the transgender world, as I have mentioned in a few past posts.

The other aspect is my life in general. I'd like to find a place of my own...one that I own, instead of renting. Interest rates are rock bottom low right now, but housing prices are still fairly expensive here. And finding a decent place is still kinda hard. My lease ends in November, and I think I'd like to be in a new place before then.

Finally, my sports teams have started up again, and I wonder how this year will work in my schedule. Hopefully there will be no injuries this year.

All in all, I have a lot of new paths to take...but, that is what life is all about...our roads to tomorrow.

Wondercon and Coronation

This past week has been a complete blur.

Last Thursday, Donna Rose popped into town, and I talked her into attending the TGSF monthly social. It was really nice having her stop in there, as many had never met her, and yet, they knew her from all the ENDA and HRC stuff.

On Friday, I was off to Wondercon with a friend to see the Wonder Woman animated movie that turned out fairly well. Both of us were back up there on Saturday for more of the show. I caught all three Saturday seminars that I was hoping to see.

For the Queer Women in Comix, I hit them with the question "What are the differences in humor between males and females?" They said they briefly discussed asking that question before the seminar, but they said it would either be impossible to answer that topic in the allotted time, or they were stumped.

My friend and I also walked around to the different booths in artist alley, the autograph area, and throughout all the comic vendors. I was hoping to get autographs from 3-4 of the actors that were my favorites in past sci-fi shows, but only 2 of them were around. I asked about the other two, but one supposedly had a reservation issue with his flight, and the other broke her wrist just days before the event. Total bummer.

I ran off to Coronation Saturday evening and spent about 6 hours watching flocks of drag queens promenade through the crowds around the facility. I was just amazed at many of the outfits that were worn, both on and off stage. And the hair pieces and tiara's....wow!!!!

I'm actually going to admit that I was attracted to one or two drag queens. One might have been T, but the other had this nice toned down look to her. Yes, I was checking out some drag queens. Get over it!!!!! =)

On Sunday, my friend and I were back at Wondercon for a few more hours. We caught the hot girls of the Sarah Connor Chronicles, then I headed home to relax a few hours before starting all of the work that has ambushed my extra time this week....which I shall discuss in another post.

I loved the whole ambiance of Wondercon, though, and wish we had a show here in San Francisco called Geek Fest or something. It would be awesome just to have a week or weekend of all geek stuff. I mentioned this at work, and a few coworkers said it would be impossible, as it would be an overload of too much stuff to do. Perhaps they're right. I'm just sad I have to wait another year for the next one.

Lunch Date

A week ago, a guy asked me to lunch. He's been chatting me up in the cafeteria for quite some time now...informing me of the culinary tastes of European dark chocolate. I am, of course, turning European now that I have basically thrown milk chocolate to the gutter as worthless batter for my taste buds.

Anyway, a few days before our lunch date, he introduced me to one of his co-workers, and then bluntly asked me to lunch. I'm not sure if he jumped at the opportunity since he doesn't see me all that often, or if the coworker helped him show off his masculinity. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Also, he doesn't work at my company, he just eats at our cafeteria which is open to the variety of other companies in the area. Thus, he's not classified as a co-worker to me, nor do I rely on him to provide cafeteria food, so it appears there is no harm in going out.

On our way to lunch, he asked what I was doing for the weekend. I said I was going to Wondercon, and then off to the San Francisco Coronation. He wondered what Coronation was, so I told him they would be selecting a new Emperor and Empress of San Francisco. He said he'd never heard of it.

"It's probably different from your normal crowd. It's an LGBT event."

"L...G...B...T?"

"Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender."

"Oh....are you one of the letters?"

"Yup, I'm a Q...for queer."

I then had to enlighten him on being queer. I should have said I was a lesbian to get his reaction to inviting someone to lunch who has no interest in him at all, but I wasn't that mean.

We chatted over lunch, and even got on the topic of what we were looking for...and even brought up the kid topic. He said he was interested in kids.

I have a friend who is dating a guy, and I don't think she has ever told him she is T. A number of our friends coerced her into at least telling him that she can't have kids.

And, to be honest, I think that is going to be my new ice breaker on the T stuff.

"I can't have kids," I told him.

I figured this was a way of dealing with at least one of the concerns of dating a transsexual. I told him that adoption was always an option with me.

He called me earlier this week and said he was interested in going out again. We have dinner set for tonight, so, I'm not sure if I will move forward with the T information or not...I guess it kinda depends on how the topics move along tonight.