Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Attraction to the Q

In my past few dating experiences, I have dated people that were fairly oblivious to the T. While the few people I did date were attracted to me, they also felt a bit of standoffishness in me. I'll admit, I did this in order for them not to get too close before I disclosed to them, and to see if I deemed them worthy of the knowledge.

Two of the girls I dated pretty much just wanted sex. The guy most likely wanted a little more.

I know that I want more than sex. Way more.

But, I'm also aware that I'm not letting people close enough to me to see much other than my sexual worthiness.

Yet, when I meet someone that is T or genderqueer, or someone that knows that I am T...and still attracted to me, that standoffishness disappears. Am I attracted only to queer people? Are they the only ones that I will give a chance?

Or am I afraid of getting my head bashed in? Am I afraid of being a name read off on November 20th? Am I afraid of letting anyone in close enough?

If I let someone in close and leave the T stuff by the wayside...and then they find out my history, I don't want that person feeling so betrayed or whatnot, that they decide to take that anger out on my skull.

I like my skull.

And, sometimes I wonder that if a "straight" is OK with my situation, is he or she then treating me as more of a sexual fantasy? Most of the men that visit Diva's are looking for sex, obviously, and there are a section of that male population that objectifies transsexuals, especially those T's that still have a penis.

I don't want to be an object.

Just yesterday, a guy pinged me on facebook, and was all of a sudden wanting to cam and stuff.

"You are shemale?"

"Nope."

- delete friend -

I don't need it, and I won't stand for it. I'm a person...we're all people...and we don't have to stand for that shit.

But it's a double-edged sword. There are some really nice people who like me for me, and I'd hate to keep them at an arm's length simply because I like my skull and don't want to feel like an object.

4 comments:

~ Charlotte said...

Awwww...don't worry Kara, you'll find the right person someday. If anyone I know deserves to find true love and happiness, it's you. You're one in a million - don't ever forget it.

Dri, a sereia said...

Hi Kara! I'm also a transwoman like you and just love to come here from now and then - your blog is definitely magical.

About the post, I keep thinking: don't we get too stuck on the idea that all the guys who come towards us just do that to supply their fantasies and then this to a certain extent block us from giving ground to them? I mean, I personally know guys to whom the fact that the person is a genetic woman or a trans is a mere detail. So maybe it’s quite a trans thing – that I personally also have - to have that prejudice towards potential males candidates principally.

Many kisses!!

Anonymous said...

No we don't want that shit and you clearly deserve better - don't expect that is all you might find, because you stand out even at a 10.000 miles distance! And it is not because of your path, but because of the strength of the soul beneath it, in my humble opinion.

Mare, Belgium

Anonymous said...

Hi Kara, Great post! You definitely struck a cord with me. I am struggling with the same. Do I tell? Don't I tell? Do I just date folks that know or won't care? If I do that am I missing out on that very special someone by narrowing my "date-able" group? Is it easier for me to just not have it to worry about? Or if I choose to just ignore all that and date men I'm attracted to and just not tell, and let what happens happen??? If I do that, OMGOSH what might happen????? Ughhhhhhh!!!

~Julie