Tired

I’ve barely written anything here in a week. Ever since last weekend’s adventure, things have been pretty busy it seems. Work, exercise, eat, sleep, work, dinner in SF, sleep, work, exercise, eat, sleep, work, sleep, work, electro, sleep, electro….

Part of me is worn out from dealing with friends who are having a rough go of things. Yeah, I want to be supportive in their bad times, but it also drags me down. I’ve done OK in my own transition because I planned the hell out of it. I saw how different transitions succeeded and how others failed. Perhaps “failed” is a bad word. How can I say this? I saw a lot of people who rushed into transition and went full time as fast as they could. By doing this, a lot of people don’t quite have the basics down and end up making a lot of people feel uncomfortable because they can tell that they are still relatively male. I saw and read about a lot of people who lost their jobs after rushing through transition to go full time. A lot of people transitioned while still not presenting in a fully female manner. They had a range of items that needed work still, such as the facial hair still primarily present, voice still off, attire not quite fitting, or other items. Some also ran into problems they couldn’t fix, such as being very tall, having male baldness, or very masculine features in their faces. I still saw people succeed when they had items that didn’t necessarily make them feminine, but they made up for it in their voice and presentation. They just vibed female. I saw others succeed when they took care of the facial hair, let the hormones work what magic they could, practiced their voice, established some sort of decent dress attire, and allowed their female vibe to mature. By vibe, I mean that they broke down the walls they put up previously in their life in order for them to try to live as men. You have to let go of a lot of learned behaviors in order to let the female inside fully shine.

I also saw a lot of people succeed quite well when they had facial surgery. So, seeing how some had succeeded in blending back into society as women and how others had basically fallen along the wayside I basically noticed that the better you looked and vibed as female, the better you were going to do at keeping your job, which in turn provided the money to continue along one's transition. Let’s face it, society and life in general just aren’t fair, especially when you’re a transsexual. Now, I’m not saying one needs to look pretty, but one needs to definitely look female if that’s the path that one chooses.

Now, all of this so far is physical. There is also a huge battle that needs to be fought on the psychological front as well. There are a lot of things to work through before finding any type of internal peace. One of the hardest things is self-acceptance. Some of us become so involved with what society tells us that we start believing it. “Transsexuals are freaks…they’re sick….they’re just gay men in a dress…who would want to alter their body like that….they’re just perverts….they’re just failures at being men,” are all different types of thoughts that run through people’s minds. These thoughts in just a casual conversation with someone can be devastating. If a transgender person heard these while still living in their birth-gender, then they continue to build up this false image of who transsexuals are and they realize that if they did transition then they would be considered some sick freak. I’m not a sick freak, trust me. I’m just a person who wants to live their life in relative peace and happiness. I want what a lot of people want….a good life.

Once a person accepts who they are and can live with their decision, they can move forward. There are also other issues such as telling people that you love that you are a transsexual. When I first conversed with other TS on line, they told me to be prepared to lose everything…my job, my family, my friends. I told them I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want to lose my job, my friends, and especially not my family. They are all that I have. I didn’t want to lose my job or my friends either, so I began to look at how to keep them. I’ve always been an honest person because serious lying is very hard to me. I can kid around with the best of them, but it’s just very difficult for me to lie. I find it much easier to state the truth. For me, people have tended to respect the truth more than a good lie. I did what I needed to do, though, when any type of gender issues came up in the past because I needed to survive.

So, I planned out how to transition “successfully”. I planned to start electrolysis and get as much done as I could before transitioning. I sought out a therapist to begin hormone replacement. I practiced my makeup. I started letting my hair grow out. I also tried to present as male as possible at work and with my family. I didn’t want them to know because I was afraid of losing them. I realized, though, that I needed to tell my family because I wanted them to join me for my journey. I hoped that they would be able to take things easier if I gave it to them in baby steps. Two months before starting hormones, I told my family who I was and where I was going. They had a hard time reading my words on the letter I wrote them, but they told me that we’d get through all of this.

I continued electrolysis and the hormones for a year and a half before finally having FFS. It was a hard year and a half. Damn hard. No one wants to go that long living part time as one body and part time as the other. It wore on me. I had a hard time concentrating at work and on my life. A variety of anxieties slightly returned as I waited and waited until I could finally live as me. I embraced FFS when I was ready, even though the facial hair probably wasn’t as good as it should have been. I had enough money in the bank to keep me on my feet for a while if I was fired, and the FFS would provide enough of a difference that I would be able to be hired at a new job as Kara if I was fired.

When I came out to friends and coworkers right before FFS, none of them knew this was coming. None of them! They never saw it. I did a pretty good job of giving them what they wanted to see….a regular guy.

Now, I have people that meet me less than 4 months post-op who have a hard time believing that I was ever a guy. I take it as a compliment.

I guess I’m a bit different than some TS. I’m not ashamed of who I am or of who I used to be. I’m proud of who I am now and the road I have traveled. I’m proud to be me.

So, yes, it’s pride month. I was at San Jose’s Pride events today, and will ride in the TGSF car tomorrow. Ugghhh…it’s been a long day at the end of a long week. Well, the few hours to relax tonight have been nice, but it’s off to the races again tomorrow. Hopefully I can get a break sometime soon. I’m tired.