The 3rd date

So, I went out a few more times with this guy...let's call him R. I took Charlotte's advice, and didn't let him in on the T stuff on date #2. During our dinner date, the topic of kids came up. I asked him if he was interested in having kids, and he said yes. I told him I couldn't have kids. When he asked why and if it was biological...I said yes.

I mentioned some of this on a forum, and someone wondered if that was too much information for the second date. It could be, but it was my way of working up to the T stuff...the consequential baby steps of dating a transsexual, right?

We set up a third date at a local billiards place, and planned to grab some dinner, too. After beating him at two games of pool, we grabbed some eats. Somehow we got on the topic of sex and gender.

I forget exactly how the conversation went, but I think he asked me more about being queer and what that entailed. I told him that I had many different and complicated attractions.

I'm physically attracted to women. I'm sexually attracted to men. I'm intimately drawn to women. I'm attracted to the completion that a man provides.

Physically, women are very pretty. Their curves are very attractive, their hair is very beautiful, their skin is soft and smooth, their eyes and faces draw you in, and their figure...legs, waist, hips, ass...well, they are all very alluring.

A man in some type of decent physical shape is hot. Men are strong, muscular, and rough...and, well, when I fantasize about having sex with someone, I usually fantasize about having sex with a guy. Male/female sex is fairly attractive to me...

...but so is female/female intimacy. What is the difference? Well, while I would prefer to have sex with a guy, I'd rather be intimate with a woman. I could probably have foreplay all night long with a woman, and never have sex. I'm also a fan of body grinding or a tribbing variation, so, whatever works.

Although I will admit that female/female intimacy is incredible, there is also a fantastic feeling of completion by having sex with a man. The man's masculinity reinforces my own femininity...and the more masculine he is, the more feminine I can feel.

So, while were chatting, and even in our previous dates, he had mentioned his attraction to me...but to be honest, I didn't sense a spark from my side at all. I did want to give him a chance, though, and see if I saw anything in him that I would be attracted to. While he is definitely a masculine guy, the masculine features that I look for in a guy just weren't that strong.

Perhaps I was setting the relationship up to fail...I don't know.

I don't remember what exactly led up to my disclosure, but before I told him, I delayed for a few seconds. He leaned in to kiss me. I moved away.

He said that whatever I had to say wouldn't change the fact that he wanted to kiss me.

"It might."

And, so, I laid out the circumstances of my history and let him know that I was a transsexual. He took it OK.

But guys are weird...if you let them in on something sexual, they always seem to take it a little too far. Before I disclosed to him, somehow he let me know that he had watched T porn in the past, but didn't reach climax.

We had breakfast last weekend...after he knew my history. He had sensed my standoffishness before the disclosure, and he knew something was kinda up. He also told me he had googled a bunch of stuff on SRS and realized there were limitations. He told me he had a rather big penis...about 2" wide. My largest dilator is 1.5" in diameter, and it's pretty hard to get in there. (A friend told me these might be guy inches, and not actual dimensions.) He also acknowledged that if he saw me naked, there might be things about my body that he might not be attracted to.

Anyway, we chatted a bit more, and he surmised that I was giving him the "it's not you, it's me" speech. I'll admit it, I have a hard time letting some people in. Some of it is the T thing, while another part of it is the growing up as a military brat. As you move from place to place, you start putting less investments in your friends so it becomes less painful to say good-bye.

We hung out the following day as he took one of his dying pets to the vet, then did a little shopping when he got some good news with his pet.

I know he likes me, even with the knowledge of my past...but I don't think I was that attracted to him, nor was sex going to work very well...which eventually would have left neither of us with something to work with.