People who know how to make salsa

From the pages of my written journal

I sit here in the airport waiting on a flight to San Antonio for the wedding of a college friend. They’ve all known about me for close to a year now, and some of them saw me this past fall, albeit before facial surgery. Bob, who recently moved to the Bay Area, came over for the Super Bowl a few weeks before my FFS. This will be the first time all of them have seen me post FFS. I think they’ll all do fine.

The wedding is tomorrow and I fly out on Sunday, but I fly to Phoenix, AZ for a consult with the good Dr. Meltzer. Actually, it’s more Scottsdale. It’s kinda weird because I used to live in the Phoenix area a long time ago. It’s almost like revisiting areas of my life that I’m now basically retracing on my way to womanhood. Well, actually, I was so young at the time, that I don’t remember much from living there. And one day, I may have to visit Louisiana in order to change my birth certificate. I’m lucky, that state does allow the change. This is not my first time to San Antonio as well, as I visited there when I was a kid when my dad was training in the service.

Anyway, I went shopping this week for a dress to wear to the wedding. I found a nice Nine West pink and white dress, and found some shoes and a cardigan the next night that will go with it. I couldn’t find a handbag, though.

Damn, they’re saying there is no meal service on this flight even though we fly out at 10am and arrive at 3pm. I have to go buy a lunch to take along...hold on.

I’m back...yeah, like you’re going somewhere. I’m on the plane, now, though.

Anyway, when I was out shopping, I picked up a bowl of soup then headed for my car. As I was walking along, I passed by a young girl and probably her mother as they exited a coffee shop. What made this unique was the mother’s comment as she walked behind me: “Do you think that was a girl or a boy with long hair?” What the hell, huh? So, although I would loved to have said something to them, I didn’t, but I did decide to stop into the coffee shop to see for myself. You see, I’ve also been told by an acquaintance that there was a fairly young beautiful T working in one of the area cofffee shops because my acquaintance used to work with her at a different branch. Since I don’t drink coffee, though, I’m never in a coffee shop. I walked in and saw 2 guys and only one girl. She was slightly shorter than me and had lovely straight dark hair. I saw no indication of her being T, but just in case, I did flash her the secret transsexual bat signal. No reponse.

Yesterday morning, I got a call from a T who had attended the Dr. O seminar I put on late last year. She said she was at the Cocoon House. I asked her if she’d like me to stop by later that night. She said, “sure.” I was headed into the city, anyway, for some TGSF stuff, so I was able to stop and chat with R, A, and L for about an hour. Although swollen, all of them were looking great. A & L already had their voices back and were flying back today. R just got her nose packing out and looked like she was doing pretty good with minimal bruising after 5-6 days. I don’t know exactly what it is, but there is like this almost instant bond with a lot of T’s around the same age going through the same events.

After visiting with them for about an hour, I was off to the TGSF stuff. It was a lot of the usual, but I found out that I was elected to the Outreach position with TGSF, so I’ll be involved with those activities over the next year.

I also met another 29 year old person who’s trying to figure out her journey. It was the first time I’d seen her at an event. We chatted for a while about how most of the area groups, although filled with very nice people, are usually much older. I told her I was usually one of the youngest ones at TGSF events, but that I had a group of friends that were closer to my age. I told her that I’d introduce her to them sometime. The thing is, though, I don't want to force any of the transition stuff on her while she is still figuring everything out.

This past week at work, we’ve interviewed two guys to replace my former boss who departed right when I was out for FFS. Robi and I still meet up with Y a few times for lunch just to say hey and all. Anyway, during the course of the interviews, and mainly towards the end, I try to get a feel for how they are reacting to me. I start out with, “How do you like the Bay Area?” The first guy goes into this spiel about it being incredibly expensive here and it’s almost impossible to buy a house. If I hadn’t spent 40k on FFS, pushing 20k on electro, and who knows how much on a new wardrobe, I probably would have been able to afford a condo with a roommate. But, being T leaves me basically only able to rent.

So, the second guy rolls into how he likes the diversity in the Bay Area. Good answer. He says he’s a huge people watcher.

The next question was, “What type of people do you not like to work with?” The first guy says “closed minded people” while the second one says “prima donnas.” They’re both good answers, althought the first is probably better in my case.

Somehow during the conversation with the first guy, we get on the subject of his kids. He said he had a son who was a senior and a daughter that was a sophomore, but that their son was a special needs child. He said it wasn’t a normal life, and wondered what it would have been like if his son was normal, but he cared for his son no matter what.

So, then I hit them with my news telling the first guy that I don’t live a normal life either and the second guy that I’m about as diverse as they come, as I recently transitioned from male to female. The first guy said he had no problem with it, as well as the second, but the second guy said, “I wouldn’t have known.” He said his sister was gay and had kids. He lived close to her and was the male influence in the children’s lives. How cool, huh?

You’re probably wondering why I told them. Well, the way I figure it is that I have a hand in the selection process, so why not make sure they are going to be OK with it. I’ll be out next year with SRS, so the T conversation is going to come up sooner or later. When I explained this to Blonde Rachel last night, she at first wondered why I told them, but after hearing my reason, she totally agreed with me.

OK, well, yesterday I was kinda reviewing all of the wedding and travel stuff for this weekend and I noticed that we’re not invited to the actual wedding, but only the reception. Well, damn. I bought this nice summer dress and accessories. I packed it anyway, and threw in an extra top I can wear with some of the other stuff I brought along. We’ll probably (hopefully) do something after the reception since it ends at 11pm, so I’ll need more than a summer dress to go out in anyway..

Numb Nose

I had another weird dream last night, and this is probably my anxieties playing away in my brain. I used to have dreams in college and high school that I was late to class or had missed a ton of classes and was sitting in class taking a test. And, I used to dream about my family catching me dressing or buying women’s clothes up until I came out to them.

Last night, though, I had a dream that I was having SRS and a breast augmentation. I was on the operating table and felt him messing around down below. There was no pain, but it felt weird. That’s about all I remember from it. Hopefully I won't have these dreams for the next year.

Since my zapper was so kind, I was able to get in a few more electro hours tonite. I’d had her stay clear of the nose to allow it to heal since the incision line there is still quite visible. But since I needed to get started on it, and I have a wedding to attend this weekend, I asked her to hit the very sensitive and painful area right under the nose. She worked her way up from the side of the upper lip and I braced myself. The closer she got to my nose, the more it hurt, and then....nothing. I barely felt anything. It appears that the right inside part of my nose is numb. She said she was able to work some incredible art since I couldn’t feel anything in there. She moved to the other nostril and.....instant pain!!! Youch!!! OK, so I only have half of the nose numb.

California Dreamin' 2004

Another busy weekend. Well, it feels pretty busy. I’m back into the electro routine, and was at the usual restaurant to pick up dinner for my zapper and I. There used to be this one bartender named Brandon who was usually there to take care of me, but I haven’t seen him the past two weeks. I wondered if he would be able to recognize me since there are very few people who saw me before and wasn’t informed of my changes, and now had the opportunity to see me after.

Speaking of people knowing me before and seeing me after, there is this really cute girl at work named J who saw me on Friday, walks up to me and says, “So, are you going by K... now?” I told her it was Kara now. She said she’d seen me back that first week but didn’t recognize me until I said something to her in passing. She also said she had been left out of the loop and didn’t know what had happened. I was really surprised since my news usually makes its way around pretty fast.

Anyway, after electro on Saturday, I was scheduled to attend California Dreamin’. Dr. Meltzer, who I have decided will probably be my SRS surgeon, since that flight from Arizona would be the shortest home, was giving a presentation in the afternoon. Dr. O was scheduled to present right before him. Since you pay for the whole day, I figured I might as well catch both seminars. I was a little early for Dr. O’s seminar, so I sat outside Carla’s reading Dr. Meltzer’s SRS info that his office has previously sent me. I saw Mira and Dr. O pull up and walk toward the entrance. I decided to just sit there to see if either of them recognized me. They didn’t. Hee hee. After a few more minutes of reading and then packing my things up, I headed in to say hi to Mira and Dr. O. I said hi to Mira first who recognized me once I got close and said something. She seemed pretty amazed, but then again, she always seems quite friendly when she sees any of us. She made sure that Dr. O was aware that I was there, and he even gave me a hug. Ahhhhh. Sure, the guy gets a bad rap for saying some of the same things to everyone in his consults and he’s very proud of his results, but deep down he’s a really nice guy that cares a lot for the TS and TG community. Yeah, he tells everyone to lose weight, but that’s because it makes it easier for him to produce good results and it’s good for the patient to be in good physical shape to make it through surgery in a healthy manner.

After his presentation, Dr. Meltzer came in and both of them began talking to one another. OK, now how often is a TS going to get the doctors that change her life drastically for the better all in one place? Dr. O has already worked most of his magic, and I’ll hopefully be able to get in to see Dr. Meltzer inside the next year. Yeah, I have basically decided upon him. I have had a number of friends already go to him, and I have a few more friends headed to him this upcoming year. Anyway, so I asked Mira if she would take a picture of me with both of them, and after interrupting their conversation with Mira’s help, I did.

Dr. O, Kara, Dr. Meltzer

Dr. Meltzer talked about all of his procedures, although I was really hoping he would go more into his SRS procedure. He also went over his breast augmentation procedure, and from the results he presented, he does a pretty good job. Of course, no surgeon is going to present bad results. Anyway, that’s something I will consider for next year. 


Both of the presentations ran a bit long, but I was able to chat with a TS I met several years ago, but hadn’t seen recently. She has been full time for a number of years, but is still trying to take care of the finances for SRS. I told her my plan to have the surgery inside the next year, and that I was still looking for friends that might be headed there around the same time.

Speaking of friends, since I was in ugly mode again this weekend, I invited a few over for fajitas and a movie. I picked up Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Although it was a fairly simple movie, it was still quite cute and entertaining. I’ll give it a thumbs up, although I’m glad I waited to catch it on video. Also, since the presentations did run long, wouldn’t you know it that everyone else would be running on time. Yep, they called me while I was on my way back to my apartment saying they were at my door and no one was there. Doh...sorry guys.

When I take the pain killers for electrolysis on the weekend, I often find myself just kinda ‘blah’. Because of that, I don’t usually do much on the weekend since I’m just worn out. Combining that situation with a little aggravation over people not communicating what they were bringing, I started to become a little irritable. Unfortunately, I think I took most of that irritability out on Claire...probably because, well, I consider her a really good friend who has a fairly good grasp on reality. Perhaps I was reaching out needing some type of consoling. Who knows. I called her today, though, to apologize for my rude behavior.

Anyway, Rachel worked up some great food in the kitchen, while Amy provided some nice marinated chicken for cooking. “JoanB” also brought over a little steak to cook up, and Rachel did her best with my meager utensils at hand.

Phone calls before work

I take care of the TGSF hotline on occasion, and ended up replying to a nurse in the San Quentin Prison who was looking for information on supplemental doctors to the one they have now. He said they have a number of transgender residents that need to have their hormones, and they only have one current doctor who works with them.

Anyway, he called at 6am this morning thinking I would have my mobile phone off. Wrong! I’ll have to tell Dad that I found one of his long lost relatives.

After obtaining his address to send some information to, I was back to bed. In between that time and the time I woke up about an hour later, I had this weird dream. In it, I was outside and saw Kevin Spacey ride by on one of those large bicycles from the late 1800’s. Then, I’m in some type of facility, but I’m not sure if I am visiting my mom, or her me. Up front, I have a funny conversation about how two muppets sound alike - one being Yoda but I can’t think of what the other one was, nor can I think of any muppet that sounds remotely like Yoda. I went back to Mom for what appeared to be some type of board game. Then, and I realize that my dream jumped, her and I are arriving at a party for Dr. O. I catch a glimpse of myself in either a mirror or a glass and I have short hair, but still appear female, but look more like a soft butch dyke. At that point, I woke up.

My hair stylist called right before I left for work. Yep, two phone calls before I even went to work. Anyway, she said she was moving residences and remembered that her and I wore the same size shoes. She said she’d bring in a box next week if I was interested. I told her sure and would stop by her salon to take a look. What a benefit it is to live in this area...either that, or I have been extremely lucky. Almost everyone I have met here outside of work has been so wonderful with my transition. Perhaps I just choose good friends. :)

Doctor, Doctor, gimme the news...

Last month, I called my health provider to set up an appointment to get the lumpy mass on my testicle checked out. I mentioned it to my therapist that I couldn’t tell if it was a lump on my testicle or if it was in the vas deferens. Either way, she said I should probably get it checked out, although she said the worst that could happen to me would be the removal of the testes...which wouldn’t be that bad. Anyway, they never called me back on that first attempt. So, I called again last week. I had to explain that even though I was living as a woman that I was transitioning and still had some male parts below. She said it was a first for her. Initially, she was going to send me to a gynecologist, but I told her it would probably be best to see my general practioner since a gyn probably wouldn’t know what to do. She agreed and set up an appointment for yesterday morning.

After the normal nurse routine of weight, blood pressure, and temperature, she asked what medications I was taking. I rattled them off, and this time the nurse didn’t ask me how to spell any of them, nor did she repeatedly ask for the name of my medications. Hey, perhaps they are getting better at this. Anyway, my doctor came into the room and asked how I was doing. He said I looked great and we talked a little about the general medical side of my transition. I explained to him what I had done for FFS. After the small talk, he examined my right testicle and found that it was the vas deferens. Good news for me!!! He said I probably noticed the lumpy mass since the testicle had become smaller and the mass was now more noticeable. He said it was nothing to worry about. Whew!

Two Months Post FFS

So, I’m two months post-op FFS. I’ll start from the top and go down. First, the top of the scalp is still numb, and lately it has been itching like the dickens. It mainly itches around the edges, especially in front. When I brush my hair in the morning, it feels so good when the bristles rub that same area. Oh yeah, I can’t feel the areas that do itch...so, they just itch. When I scratch that area, I can’t feel anything.

The feeling in my forehead has fully returned, so has the feeling in my lower lip. Both were slightly numbish after surgery.

The swelling in my nose has slightly subsided, and there is a bump on the upper left area. Dr. O said it could be bone bruising and that I would have to wait to see if it was swelling or just misshaped. The inside portion of the nose is still very stiff, but it has loosened up enough that I can now move it side to side a few millimeters...but it’s still very stiff when I do that. For those wanting to know, I still can’t pick my nose, which kinda sucks when having to clean things out. For those that didn’t want to know...sorry about grossing you out with too much information.

The upper lip is still a bit restrictive since it’s attached to the nose. The area that was cut out between the bottom of my nose and the top of upper lip area is still a bit stiff, too, which probably leads to the restrictive feeling. My chin is still a bit swollen, especially on the two bump areas on each side. My jaw muscles are still a bit sore as well, especially when biting down on anything hard. I can mainly eat about anything, although I still watch it with the harder items. I’m able to open my mouth wide about 95% of what I used to be able to, and that last 5% will probably come over the next month or two.

The inside of the mouth is still a pain. The incision he made along the base of my bottom gums is still very tight and restrictive. It almost feels like I have been wearing a chin strap for the past two months. The incision scar looks a bit freakish, but hopefully it will all return to slightly normal with time.

The scar line under the chin is still raised up, but the exterior of the scar looks pretty minor. It should continue to subside over the next few months to a year.

One weird thing is the tricky part of touch. When I touch the upper portion of my nose, I can also feel it along my right eyebrow. When I touch the outer orbital rim of my left eye, I also feel it a few inches above my left ear. Weird.

a la mode

On Wednesday I was in the city to do a little shopping with some friends, then helping Amber on Thursday to scout out a party location for later this year. We went out for a little Mexican food afterward.

Since I was due for 4 hours of electro this weekend, I knew I would not be in too much of a happy mode to go out and about, so I decided to invite some friends over who have been through the same thing. After electro, I get a bit swollen, along with being slightly red in the treated areas. I call it ugly mode. So, now I have Me-mode and Ugly-mode. So, I picked up some raw pizza dough and sauce, along with some toppings and salad stuff, and had a little pizza and movie night with some friends.

Claire, Brooke, M, Lida, and I chowed down on the pizza, with Amber showing up later on with some dessert. We watched Pirates of the Caribbean...well, I think Lida and I watched it, while the others fell asleep during the course of it. Claire, Brooke, and Amber crashed at my place, but Brooke left early in the morning since she usually doesn’t sleep much. Claire made up some awesome French Toast this morning for Amber and I. I haven’t had that in a long time.

I’m now 2 months post-op FFS. I’ll talk about where I am with recovery next time.