I think I'm a hypocrite

I admit, I enjoy my anonymity. Sure, I've had a woman at work tell me she read my website before, but I can go most places in the world and not have to worry about someone going, "Hey, are you Kara Flynn?"...and then, even if they did, they would likely be T friendly.

I realized a while back that I have now been a woman longer in my current job than I was a man. Three years and one month versus three years and two months. It's still a pain when someone uses the wrong pronoun, but the people that knew me before grow smaller and smaller with time. Most simply have always known me as Kara...and most people seem to have down fairly well with now calling me Kara and 'she'.

So, now over three years later, I find I like people not really knowing my past. OK, it's not the people who know who are OK with things, it's dealing with the people who somehow have an issue with it. It's only a certain few who are the real troublemakers.

Most of my good friends at work know my situation. They seem cool with it, especially since most of them never knew me as a guy. It's the ones that either knew before and haven't fully adjusted yet, or the ones who never knew me before, who find out, and then start using the wrong pronouns or have an issue with it that bother me.

And, thus, I have found that a lot of people really don't want to know. Sure, there are some people that do want to know, but they are typically very positive about it. So, I guess, it's better to be safe, than to be sorry. If I came out to a large group, sure, I'd get the supporters, but I'd also get the haters or people who have an issue with it.

I recently received a note from one of my teammates. She's set up one of our practices to have a local newspaper come out to interview us and take pictures. Initially, I didn't respond, and then got an email from her saying I was the only one that hadn't responded. She asked if I would be OK with all of it. I told her it was OK, but I'm still cautious. I don't really want my picture plastered all over the local area. I guess I'd just like to have my teammates continue to see and hear me as female...and not as a transsexual (assuming they don't already know). I know, it's bad, but it really does suck when one person has trouble seeing you as female after knowing, even if they never would have known if you hadn't told them. It just takes one to ruin it for all of the rest.

And, surprising as it may seem, sometimes people may suspect the T stuff, but never really care that much to bother asking about it or inquiring if it is true. They'd just rather not know, and, you know, I think I rather not tell unless they ask about it.

Revisiting the Locker Room

My sports team is back in action this year. Our first game was this past weekend...on the road...in the Northwest. If one will remember, I wrote this piece last year about my fear of the locker room. Because of our limited schedule on the road last year, I never had to actually deal with the potential locker room issue.

This time, though, there was no local hotel we were staying in after the game (we flew into a city a few hours away from the game), and we would not be heading home until the following day. After the game, we were also eating out with the other team and the game officials, so I really didn't want to be smelly.

As it turned out, the locker room was just as big an issue for me as it was for some of my own teammates...if not worse. About half the team had no apparent issues, with about 30-40% of the team having such an issue with it that they decided not to shower at all (just washing off with a cloth or something). I fell into the remaining percentage that wanted to shower, but still had some apprehension about being naked in front of others. One woman wanted to shower by herself, so, since I was one of the last in from the field, I let her go alone after the rest had showered. I then went after her. Both of us were still visible to others as we went in and out of the showering area, but it was a little limited.

Was I scared? Hmm...a little, yes. Frightened...well, not really, but I was definitely self conscious about it. As I was showering, I tried to keep my side to the area where anyone could see me...as seeing me from the side doesn't show off my lack of hips as much. I just didn't want too many of my "flaws" showing through.

In the end, though, nothing really happened. I definitely felt like I walked away from the situation feeling a lot better, but I also wasn't under the close scrutiny of anyone's eyes. Seriously, there is enough about me to start to question things...my lack of hips, my small nipples/areolas, the larger frame for my size, etc. Sure, there's no penis dangling around, and I'm actually similar in size to one of my teammates who has larger arms and legs than me. Of course, she was called 'he' by one of our waitresses the night before. I told her about the pronoun issue later on, and she said she used to get that a lot...so much that she started using the guys bathroom more than the women's bathroom.

Anyway, I got a passing grade on the locker room. Let's just hope I don't have to retake the test.

Bump

I needed to pick up some hair products, so I decided to run the errand during lunch. Two birds with one stone, as they say. My usual beauty supply store is located right near an awesome little Asian 'to-go' place.

As I was walking across the street, I noticed a few people walking toward me from the other side. One was a taller white dude, an Asian dude, and an Asian woman. I glanced at all of them briefly. It wasn't until all of us reached one another midway through the crosswalk that I realized the Asian woman was Amber.

I didn't recognize her until I was about an arms reach away, so I bumped her arm as we walked by. She didn't recognize me until I did so. We said our hello's and hugged in the middle of the crosswalk, until I walked back to the side with her. We chatted briefly about the same lunch spot and caught up briefly on how things are going.

It was also interesting that neither of us recognized the other until we were so close. I mean, my T-dar is pretty decent...but it was cool that neither of us set off the other's radar. Either I'm losing it, or she's just got it going on.

OK, she has it going on...but I wonder if it isn't pinging that much anymore.

On a different note, I was eating with two coworkers, when I noticed a long haired woman at a another table facing away from me. The group she was with looked like a bunch of programmers, or similar. After a few minutes, the woman stood up and I realized she was actually a he. Ding ding ding. He totally pinged the radar...and even my coworkers thought he was a she from the side.

The world is filled with such different people, though, I guess we really never know if someone is T or not...we simply respect one another as people. Most people really don't care since we all have our own issues to deal with in life.

Make no stray marks

I received a survey from Kaiser Permanente a while back. I finally filled it out tonight. They are doing research on Genes, Environment, and Health. I received the Women's Health Survey.

The initial part of the survey was pretty routine. I answered the usual questions and wrote in 'queer' in the Other (specify): line that allowed an answer other than Hetero, Homo/Les, and Bi. It wasn't until the back page that it asked me at what age I had my first menstrual period. Hmmm. Well, I marked 'Never had a mentrual period'.

The next question asked if I had a menstrual period in the past year. I answered No, but they wanted a reason. Here were my options:

-Natural menopause
-Hysterectomy (Age: )
-Recent pregnancy/breastfeeding
-Medical treatment
-Don't know

The first three really didn't apply, and I know why I haven't had a menstrual cycle in the past year, so I decided to fill in 'medical treatment'. What else was I supposed to say...there was no 'I'm a transsexual' circle to mark and there was not line for 'Other:' If they really want to know, they can contact me and I'll tell them.

It does show, however, one of the bad sides to medical treatment specific to a gender. For instance, FTM's have to worry about their insurance covering hysterectomies for men, and MTF's have to worry about care in case the prostate causes issues later in life. I guess that's one of the things I currently treasure with my doctor...he's cool with the whole transgender thing and I feel he takes excellent care of me. I guess I'm lucky in that regard.

Visited with the good doctor

I had a consult with Dr. O this past Friday. I went in to see him for a jaw line revision consultation. There is a portion of my right jaw line around 20mm long that is not even with the rest of it. I would say that at it's max, it is about 3-5mm lower than the rest of it. My left jaw line looks really good and I see no issues there.

After a short cordial conversation, we talked about the revision. Due to the tools, he'd basically have to have a large incision to get the saw back in there and try to guide it along the bone. He'd have to go by feel and not be able to line it up exactly. He also said that the grinder would not work there. I also have a small recession near the area where he put my chin back together. Again, this falls on my right side and not on my left.

In the end, he wondered if I needed it. I'm not sure either. The reason I went to see him is that I'm looking at a lower face lift. When the skin is pulled tighter, will the jaw deformation be more noticeable? If it were only one deformation, they wouldn't be as noticeable, but since they kinda flow into one another, they make that jawline look worse.

After discussing this issue with him further, he said the extra portion sticking out would be much easier than filling in the small area, and that he would likely not be able to do both at the same time. The best option, it appears, is have him attempt to take off the extra bone.

OK, so, yes, I'm looking at the lower facelift. I'm considering it because of the initial FFS three years ago. With so much bone taken out of the jaw and chin, I have extra skin that had nowhere to go. I'd just like to pull that portion tighter to make up for the bone that was taken away.

The other issue here is that I'd also like to get hair transplants along my frontal FFS incision and the temple recessions. After discussing the facelift with Dr. Meltzer, he prefers the hair transplants be done after a facelift.

So, the order that is preferred: Jaw bone work --> Facelift --> Hair transplants.

The jaw work isn't too expensive since it is a revision, but the other two will probably be between $6-8,000 each. Ouch. And while I'd mainly like the hair transplants, it looks like for best success, they should be last on the list.

I'll likely ponder the jaw work a little longer before trying to schedule the face lift. I'm still debating whether or not to consult with another plastic surgeon, or go with Dr. Meltzer since he is pretty decent at them, has worked on a number of post-Dr. O patients, and is very T friendly.

Decisions, decisions...but, of course, the monetary constrictions will probably limit me the most on having them done.

Trained in the Ways of Men

Shelly Prevost's film, Trained in the Ways of Men, premiered this past weekend at the San Jose film festival. Myself and two friends attended the Sunday showing, while a number of other friends went Saturday night. I was impressed with how many people were in attendance...with the total number for both shows over 1000. The really nice part is about 98% of those in attendance were not transgender.

Anyway, the film is a look at the aftermath of the Gwen Araujo murder. It covers the funeral and court cases from the eyes of Shelly Prevost. She also becomes very close with Gwen's mom, Sylvia Guerrero. Shelly is able to obtain interviews with both prosecuting and defense lawyers in the Gwen Araujo case, as well as discuss a similar topic with counterparts in another transgender murder case.

By far one of the most interesting aspects of the film is the personal interviews with people on the street. The classic question of 'Are you a man or a woman?' followed by 'How do you know?' left a lot of people stumped...including high powered defense lawyers. How do you know you are a man or a woman? Do you just know?

Some people were totally clueless with this. Shelly postulated to one man that if his chromosomes came back as female, would he continue to live as a man, or live as a woman. He said he'd live as a woman, and even went further to tell Shelly he'd probably date men...all while standing there with his girlfriend.

For transgender people that have accepted who they are, these questions are quite easy...we know who we are because we've pondered these questions before. We hope for something telling us we are or we aren't, but there is no clear cut answer. We feel one way, but we see another. For many of us, after realizing that we're not alone in the world, we finally seek the path that takes us where we need to be.

So, are you a man or a woman...and how do you know?

More from NY

Just a picture from the NY event (me on the left, Tiffany in the middle, and Beth on the right). I guess I should post some of the pictures I took on my sightseeing adventure, as well.

More of these pictures can be seen here.

ps...why do I always have red-eye? Neither of the other two have it. =(