Knots

My stomach was in knots all day today. Yesterday, I sent an email to my family asking what their feelings were about my presentation this Thanksgiving holiday. My dad and mom both had letters back saying to be conservative when at my sister’s since the situation was already tense.

My sister wrote back basically saying (and I’m being nice here): I’m having trouble with your transition, especially with the name and pronouns, and right now I’m having a hard time accepting it. I fear you’ll show up with the same attitude as the 4th of July and I won’t tolerate it in my home.

I sent an email back: I understand your concerns. May I ask what type of attitude you felt from me over the 4th of July. I’d like to know so that I do not offend you.

She replied: Attitude? I think it went something like this...”Princess [sister]” That was when I was asking you and Dad not to splash for a little while...remember now?

Of course I remember. My Dad (or actually my uncle, I believe) and I were throwing these water balls around in my parent's pool. My sister, whose husband has been serving abroad for 4 months at that time, and has been taking care of her 6 month old son alone, decides to move from the lounge chair to a floating raft. We were splashing and throwing around the balls, thus causing spray, some of which continued to land on my sister. She’d had enough, and sat up “Would you stop splashing for a while.” I thought...hey, it’s a swimming pool, there’s water...hello? Instead, I said, “Anything for Princess [sister].” My sister was pissed. I saw it in her eyes. She wanted to relax...something she really hadn’t been able to do since her husband was so far away and she was temporarily a single parent. If I could take back my comment, I would, but the attitude my sister has now is the same attitude she’s shown me since this spring. She doesn’t want to talk to me and she can’t accept my decision. I don’t know if she can see that it’s the best for me or not. Perhaps she thinks it’s not the best decision for her. Either way, I can’t believe she’s turned such a small event into this catastrophe.

I mentioned all of this on a TS board on a subject someone else had started about the sister they had that would no longer allow her family in the same company as the TS. There were all types of suggestions ranging from just going in boy mode to going fully as Kara. Since my mom is so supportive, I think she’ll be mad if I go as a guy, but hopefully understand the circumstances. My dad doesn’t really care one way or the other. If I go as a girl, I’m afraid my sister will be upset, but it’s her place we’re spending Thanksgiving. If I go as a guy, my mom will be upset at my sister and Dad. She was a little upset during my visit in July when I was only in boy mode, when she had prepared everyone for Kara. The only girl stuff was when I was in the pool when I’d wear a sports bra top that sorta matched my male bottom bathing suit.

One person remarked on the board it was better to go in girl mode since “it’s better for them to hate the person you are than to love the person you aren’t.” Good advice, but since this is my sister’s place I think I will exist there in boy mode. I’m flying in girl mode, though, and I brought along some wipes to clean the makeup off on the drive to her place. I’ll put a sweatshirt over my blouse, change shoes, and but the side bangs back into my rat’s nest of a ponytail. We’re headed to group therapy on Friday, and I hope my sister will attend.