Stalled

(once again, from my written journal)

The emails from my sister earlier this week weren’t good, progress maybe, but still not good. At least she will correspond with me here and there. She doesn’t like my transition. Period. I’m not exactly sure what her fear is, but tonight she said it wasn’t moral to transition from one sex to another.

This morning, we spent most of the time painting my sister’s family room. She and her husband had picked out two earth tone colors to paint it, along with a chair rail to encompass the room. We were scheduled to visit the doc this afternoon around 2pm, so I started getting ready around noon. I asked my sister and mom if they would be OK with me going in girl mode. Both said they were fine with it. I got ready then came out to eat the lunch my mom had prepared. My sister was in the living room doing something with her son, as a fourth sandwich sat alone on the kitchen table. Not until I’d basically finished my sandwich and my mom had gone out to smoke, that my dad said my sister and mom argued, and now my sister wasn’t going to therapy (and wasn’t eating lunch either). Damn. I really wanted her to go.

Anyway, the session with the doc went fine. I think he understands the basic underlying issues a transgender person goes through. We talked a little about mom and dad’s trip to San Francisco, how they were doing with things, and then we moved to my sister. Dad has finally started to understand most of this. He realizes where I need to get to, and he’s working on accepting all the resulting consequences. I explained some of the family dynamics to the doc and we talked about some of the ways to work through those dynamics.

We came home and painted a little more, then ordered a pizza for dinner. After finishing dinner, I started to get into the reasoning for my transition timeline - with FFS at the time of living full time. I don’t remember how we got on the topic, but we did. I should not have been so naive, as any conversation on my transition with my sister would eventually lead to someone getting upset. We got on the subject of moving on with jobs, either by being fired, or however, and I said it was possible to have my name changed on my diploma so that I could get a new job as Kara. She didn’t like that, then said she should get a new diploma and sell it on eBay to whoever needed an MA...to the highest bidder of course. I said that would be morally wrong, and she threw that back in my face. It was a setup.

“Do you think what you're doing is moral? You were a man in high school, and college, and your degree should stay the same.”

I asked her why it made a difference if I was a man or a woman when I earned them. Obviously, she thinks my journey is morally wrong. Mom walked into the kitchen, and although it was just my sister and I in the discussion, the approach by my mom upset my sister, and she ran off into the living room. Mom sat down and got mad at dad, but dad was doing well in the conversation. I asked mom not to get mad at dad because he had handled the situation very well. Mom became upset, though, and went to smoke. I whispered to dad, “Is there any way out of this situation?” I started to cry and told Dad, “All of this is so hard on me added onto my own transition.”

Here is where my dad spoke some of the most sincere and bravest words I have ever heard from him, “You do what you need to do.” So firm....so fatherly....so caring.

I sat in the bathroom after that just crying into the sink thinking how my transition is tearing at the basic foundation of our family. It’s a no win situation right now that currently rests mainly with my sister.