Trying to fly

The past two days have been hard. I’ve been going through spells of depression due to a culmination of events. The recent surgery, recovering from that surgery, not feeling pretty, having the nose feel like it is way off, having facial hair popping out, being “sir’d” at the voter booth today, dealing with the car, dealing with all of the name change stuff, my mom going home, dealing with going back to work as Kara (I actually had a dream about this last night), and just going through what I call the Superman syndrome has caused me to be pretty down.

So, yes, I’m going through the post-surgical depression and I know that I’m going through it. Even that I know what is affecting me, I still have to deal with all of the motions and emotions. It’s kinda like knowing that the bridge is washed out, but still not being able to cross it.

The Superman syndrome basically boils down to the song, “Superman (It’s Not Easy) which goes something like this:

I can’t stand to fly, I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find the better part of me
I’m more than a bird...I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees,
Find a way to lie about a home I’ll never see
It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed..but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right..you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...
I can’t stand to fly, I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one-way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

What does all of that mean...well, in my opinion, the Superman syndrome is that Superman deals with all of the stress of being Superman, but he still has Clark Kent in which to live that regular life. Up until this facial surgery, I could go out as Kara and have fun, but I had “him” to go back to...to walk around in the regular world and not be labeled a freak. But now, I’m Superman full time without a Clark Kent to fall back on, and it’s not easy...not that I’m a hero or anything, but just using the similar situation.

Last night I cried myself to sleep thinking that I’ll never have a normal life. I’ll never be able to have children, never be considered a real woman, never be in a normal relationship...blah, blah, blah...woe is me. Yeah, I know...stop feeling sorry for myself.

With the small things I see wrong with my FFS, I feel depressed because I know that I’ll have to have revisions...which means more surgery, more recovery, and more money. I also feel ugly because I’m still swollen. Also, my nose feels like it is way off to the left. I know...wait for the swelling to go down, but it still feels off. My mom and everyone else says that it’s not noticeable, but I didn’t do all of this for them...I did it for me. I also paid a ton of money...money that I’m going to have to repay to my 401k out of my regular pay for the next 5 years, and for that type of money you’d think there wouldn’t be any major screw-ups (that hopefully don’t exist once the swelling goes down). Mom tried cheering me up, and she knows that I'm not taking it out on her, but just trying to explain that for the amount of money I paid, I should have gotten what I asked for.

I also have a hard time saying good-bye, and today I said good-bye to her after she was out here for two weeks taking care of me. I cried as I drove back home. I think that the surgery/recovery is also a very exciting time in my life, and now I’m also coming down off the excitement to regular boring days, and that’s depressing as well. It’s like living a lifetime for one event, then that event being over all of a sudden, and you’re stuck sitting there going, “Ugghhhh...what do I do now?” I have plenty of things to do now, but I think it’s relative to the situation.

Like I said, though, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy the past two days. I thought about calling “joanb” to talk to her about it, because she’s always been willing to talk to me about all of this, she's been through it before, and she gives it to me straight without all of the BS. Funny thing...after I dropped off my mom at the airport this afternoon, “joanb” actually called me, and mentioned that this is the time period when depression usually kicks in after this type of surgery. It was a good talk, and as usual, she kept it real. Brooke also called after that, and I talked to her about it as well. My phone bill is going to be insane this month!!!