There was still no resolution at work today on how they want to inform my coworkers. I told them we only have this week, and I’ll be out most of Friday at a vendor.
On a good note, the guy who handles benefits said that I can start my short term disability one day early since I will be seeing the surgeon for a pre-surgical meeting on the day before surgery. Hey, I was going to take a vacation day, but since he said it counts, then well, it counts.
I also took care of the details for both company and state short term disability packages today. What a joy! And with the legal name change finished, yet still no ID card change, it’s kind of a mess. Oh well, as long as my SS# is the same, I think I am fine.
I want to reflect more on my upcoming surgery, but it’s getting too late. I want to talk about the road I’ve taken on my journey to the present, where I’m going, and the few things I want to do before I go under the knife and grinder.
T-minus Day 5.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Sunday, February 08, 2004
My last week as a man
My last week as a man.
I never thought I would finally write those words. Wow. It’s all still sinking in for me. To finally stand on the verge of fulfilling my life’s dream...to be me...is just incredible. I’ve never had something of this magnitude finally come together for me.
This Friday is Friday the 13th, so would it not be fitting to have it be my last day as a guy, and to have February 14th be my first day as a girl? Valentine’s Day...a new beginning?
With last week being fairly rough, I basically crashed this weekend. This morning I had brunch with Claire, Amy, and Ally visiting from LA. I talked them into diner food. Speaking of food, I have been craving hot and spicy food all week long. I tried ordering some spicy buffalo chicken thingies for Susan and I last night, but they weren’t that hot. Then I picked up some jalepeno poppers at JITB, but they weren’t that hot either. At the TGSF meeting this afternoon, Brooke and I ran into the grocery store before the meeting to see what I could find that was spicy, but there wasn’t much, so I improvised. It didn’t satisfy my craving either. All week long I’ve also been craving Hot and Sour soup, so Brooke and I had Chinese food after the meeting. I also ordered a spicy plate of chicken, but it seemed tame compared to what I’ve had before. I had Brooke try it just to make sure I wasn’t going numb, and she agreed that it was far from being spicy. This morning, Ally joked that I was pregnant when she heard of my hot and spicy cravings lately. Hah! I wish.
Today is my 12,254th day alive. After today, I only have 5 of them left as a guy. I guess I should count them down.
T-minus Day 6.
I never thought I would finally write those words. Wow. It’s all still sinking in for me. To finally stand on the verge of fulfilling my life’s dream...to be me...is just incredible. I’ve never had something of this magnitude finally come together for me.
This Friday is Friday the 13th, so would it not be fitting to have it be my last day as a guy, and to have February 14th be my first day as a girl? Valentine’s Day...a new beginning?
With last week being fairly rough, I basically crashed this weekend. This morning I had brunch with Claire, Amy, and Ally visiting from LA. I talked them into diner food. Speaking of food, I have been craving hot and spicy food all week long. I tried ordering some spicy buffalo chicken thingies for Susan and I last night, but they weren’t that hot. Then I picked up some jalepeno poppers at JITB, but they weren’t that hot either. At the TGSF meeting this afternoon, Brooke and I ran into the grocery store before the meeting to see what I could find that was spicy, but there wasn’t much, so I improvised. It didn’t satisfy my craving either. All week long I’ve also been craving Hot and Sour soup, so Brooke and I had Chinese food after the meeting. I also ordered a spicy plate of chicken, but it seemed tame compared to what I’ve had before. I had Brooke try it just to make sure I wasn’t going numb, and she agreed that it was far from being spicy. This morning, Ally joked that I was pregnant when she heard of my hot and spicy cravings lately. Hah! I wish.
Today is my 12,254th day alive. After today, I only have 5 of them left as a guy. I guess I should count them down.
T-minus Day 6.
Friday, February 06, 2004
Butterflies
I woke up this morning and first thing, I felt a lump on my testicle when I was performing my monthly exam. Yeah, I still check them just to make sure that I don’t develop testicular cancer with the hormones. The lump was near the end of the testicle, but there was other stuff around the lump as well. If I moved the testicle around to a different spot, that lump couldn’t be felt. So, after going over the picture of the internal aspects of a testicle, I noted that it was probably the vas deferens and the epididymis meeting at the bottom side. I’ll continue to monitor the situation, though, as I would prefer to nip potential cancer in the bud early on than fight it later when it’s stronger. Yuck. I still had butterflies in my stomach just thinking I might have cancer.
As I pulled into work today, I realized that my letter to employees was being sent out today. Again, butterflies in my stomach. As I walked to my desk and past people I knew, I thought, “Do they know?” Later on, I found out that upper management didn’t like sending out a letter of disclosure, and that perhaps I should attend a meeting and disclose in front of my peers at that time. So, no letter was issued today, and I only have a week left of work for them to do something. Hopefully they will figure it out before I return. Or as I told Claire tonite, I’ll just walk in and yell, “Hey everyone, ‘I’m a transsexual...anyone wanna see my breasts?”
Claire and I talked for about an hour tonite about my dealings with work, our voices which we both need to work on, the ups and downs of transition, and thinking about transitioning versus not transitioning. Being a transsexual mainly sucks. It’s a lose-lose situation. I can’t have a regular life as a man, yet I can’t have a regular life as a woman, either. It’s just finding the path that sucks least.
I did pig out on comfort food today, though, with a donut between cereal and some leftover Chinese food from the other day for lunch. This afternoon I found some pizza in the breakroom, and heated up two small pieces. Then I grabbed a horrible bag of potato chips and a monster burrito from a local taqueria this evening, followed by an Oreo Cookie Ice Cream Bar for dessert. I know...bad Kara, but hey, the butterflies needed something to eat as well.
OK, I’m horribly tired. I’m physically, psychologically, and emotionally exhausted. I went running tonite, and it picked me up for a while, but that only lasted so long. I am going to sleep in tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll be feeling more energized.
As I pulled into work today, I realized that my letter to employees was being sent out today. Again, butterflies in my stomach. As I walked to my desk and past people I knew, I thought, “Do they know?” Later on, I found out that upper management didn’t like sending out a letter of disclosure, and that perhaps I should attend a meeting and disclose in front of my peers at that time. So, no letter was issued today, and I only have a week left of work for them to do something. Hopefully they will figure it out before I return. Or as I told Claire tonite, I’ll just walk in and yell, “Hey everyone, ‘I’m a transsexual...anyone wanna see my breasts?”
Claire and I talked for about an hour tonite about my dealings with work, our voices which we both need to work on, the ups and downs of transition, and thinking about transitioning versus not transitioning. Being a transsexual mainly sucks. It’s a lose-lose situation. I can’t have a regular life as a man, yet I can’t have a regular life as a woman, either. It’s just finding the path that sucks least.
I did pig out on comfort food today, though, with a donut between cereal and some leftover Chinese food from the other day for lunch. This afternoon I found some pizza in the breakroom, and heated up two small pieces. Then I grabbed a horrible bag of potato chips and a monster burrito from a local taqueria this evening, followed by an Oreo Cookie Ice Cream Bar for dessert. I know...bad Kara, but hey, the butterflies needed something to eat as well.
OK, I’m horribly tired. I’m physically, psychologically, and emotionally exhausted. I went running tonite, and it picked me up for a while, but that only lasted so long. I am going to sleep in tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll be feeling more energized.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Pain
Last night I was playing with Boobers and I caught my finger in a really weird way. It didn’t hurt last night, but during the night, it started hurting pretty good. I woke up this morning having trouble moving my fourth finger on my left hand, and the knuckle is still swollen tonite, but it is feeling a little better.
Pain.
I set up another meeting with HR this morning. I get in there right at 8am and she says that the company won’t send out a letter to everyone on campus since it would be a personal letter, and they have a policy against that.
OK, jeez, this is a little bigger than Mr. Johnson divorcing Mrs. Johnson. My transition, although personal, is still going to affect a lot of people. Luckily, she said they would send out a letter to a list of people that I work with. I mentioned the bathroom issue again, along with the need to inform people, more efficiently via email. Hmmm...she pondered this. She wanted to send out the main letter to the company, but Communications was saying no. We’ll see what she says tomorrow when the main letter is supposed to go out.
Pain.
This afternoon, my boss suggested doing a little off-site activity between me, him, and Robi. Unfortunately, right when we were supposed to head out, we received a phone call about problems with some of our products. Great. So, that cancelled our activity and I spent a few hours trying to figure out the problem, along with figuring out how our QC measures didn’t catch the issue. Tomorrow, I'll hopefully resolve the issue, or find that we have a whole new problem. Fun.
Pain....sorta.
Since today was the day before the company letter announcement of some sort, I decided to disclose to Coworker Mark. I thought about really playing with his mind, but I just wrote out a little letter. I also wrote “The answer to where I am going” on it, then gave it to him as he was headed home. I told him to read it later. About 10 minutes later, my phone rings. It’s Mark. He asks if I am pulling his leg. Nope. So, he then says that he has no problem with my transition if that’s what I need to do. He then apologized for all of the comments he’s made in the past. I told him not to worry about it...that I kinda looked forward to them.
Pain...definitely.
I went to give blood tonite for the regular lab check-up. I used to have these huge veins that popped out of my arm, but I’ve noticed with the hormones that they don’t stand out as much as they used to. Anyway, she slides the needle into my left arm, but way off the usual mark. She rummages around, jabbing it back and forth, in and out...and not much blood. She tries to fill the second tube, and takes it a little too deep.
“OUCH!” I exclaim.
“Oh, did that hurt?”
“Uh, Y E A H!”
So, she pulls out the needle and says we need to try the other arm. Great. So, she digs into the right arm and seems way off on location again. She had to fight with the depth of the needle a little, but finally got enough blood. I’m going to be bruised tomorrow in at least one arm.
What a pain in the arse.
Pain.
I set up another meeting with HR this morning. I get in there right at 8am and she says that the company won’t send out a letter to everyone on campus since it would be a personal letter, and they have a policy against that.
OK, jeez, this is a little bigger than Mr. Johnson divorcing Mrs. Johnson. My transition, although personal, is still going to affect a lot of people. Luckily, she said they would send out a letter to a list of people that I work with. I mentioned the bathroom issue again, along with the need to inform people, more efficiently via email. Hmmm...she pondered this. She wanted to send out the main letter to the company, but Communications was saying no. We’ll see what she says tomorrow when the main letter is supposed to go out.
Pain.
This afternoon, my boss suggested doing a little off-site activity between me, him, and Robi. Unfortunately, right when we were supposed to head out, we received a phone call about problems with some of our products. Great. So, that cancelled our activity and I spent a few hours trying to figure out the problem, along with figuring out how our QC measures didn’t catch the issue. Tomorrow, I'll hopefully resolve the issue, or find that we have a whole new problem. Fun.
Pain....sorta.
Since today was the day before the company letter announcement of some sort, I decided to disclose to Coworker Mark. I thought about really playing with his mind, but I just wrote out a little letter. I also wrote “The answer to where I am going” on it, then gave it to him as he was headed home. I told him to read it later. About 10 minutes later, my phone rings. It’s Mark. He asks if I am pulling his leg. Nope. So, he then says that he has no problem with my transition if that’s what I need to do. He then apologized for all of the comments he’s made in the past. I told him not to worry about it...that I kinda looked forward to them.
Pain...definitely.
I went to give blood tonite for the regular lab check-up. I used to have these huge veins that popped out of my arm, but I’ve noticed with the hormones that they don’t stand out as much as they used to. Anyway, she slides the needle into my left arm, but way off the usual mark. She rummages around, jabbing it back and forth, in and out...and not much blood. She tries to fill the second tube, and takes it a little too deep.
“OUCH!” I exclaim.
“Oh, did that hurt?”
“Uh, Y E A H!”
So, she pulls out the needle and says we need to try the other arm. Great. So, she digs into the right arm and seems way off on location again. She had to fight with the depth of the needle a little, but finally got enough blood. I’m going to be bruised tomorrow in at least one arm.
What a pain in the arse.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Three fortunes, one future.
I haven’t been feeling the best the past few days with some sort of cold messing with my throat and sinuses. So, for lunch today, I prodded Robi to get some Chinese so I could eat some soothing Hot and Sour Soup. I love the stuff normally, but find it blows Chicken Noodle out of the water when it comes down to tackling a cold.
We picked up some makeup for her at one of the counters, while on the way over there she recommended trying Prescriptive. I have a ton of MAC stuff, but I’m still not that impressed with their foundation. I need one that can cover the darkness in my upper lip but still not cake up. I doubt anyone really makes such an item.
Anyway, I chowed down on the soup and felt much better. I also ate some of the spicy chicken entrees I ordered. Going for the fortune cookie, I found three fortunes hidden inside, which I always find kinda amusing to read:
On the drive back to the office, we started talking about glitter. I told her about the hairspray I used for the Cotillion that had glitter in it, and that I tried it on my arms as well, just to get the glittery look under the lights. Robi turns to me and says, “I didn’t even know they had hair spray with glitter in it.”
I had dinner with KateW from GP and the rest of the usual suspects. Another visitor, another dinner date. We ate some tapas at a little restaurant on the northern side of San Francisco. It was KateW, Brooke who rode up with me, Tyler, Claire, “JoanB”, and myself. Amy wasn’t able to make it due to some school work. I don't think I'm that big on tapas....not enough food, plus it's too damn expensive.
We picked up some makeup for her at one of the counters, while on the way over there she recommended trying Prescriptive. I have a ton of MAC stuff, but I’m still not that impressed with their foundation. I need one that can cover the darkness in my upper lip but still not cake up. I doubt anyone really makes such an item.
Anyway, I chowed down on the soup and felt much better. I also ate some of the spicy chicken entrees I ordered. Going for the fortune cookie, I found three fortunes hidden inside, which I always find kinda amusing to read:
1. An unexpected windfall will soon be yours. Does that mean that FFS turns out great?
2. A friend will be important to you and your forthcoming success. Do Mom’s count?
3. Be careful not to overspend. Ouch, well now they tell me after I pay Dr. O the down payment. Actually, I don’t mind investing in the rest of my life...as long as it turns out decent.
On the drive back to the office, we started talking about glitter. I told her about the hairspray I used for the Cotillion that had glitter in it, and that I tried it on my arms as well, just to get the glittery look under the lights. Robi turns to me and says, “I didn’t even know they had hair spray with glitter in it.”
I had dinner with KateW from GP and the rest of the usual suspects. Another visitor, another dinner date. We ate some tapas at a little restaurant on the northern side of San Francisco. It was KateW, Brooke who rode up with me, Tyler, Claire, “JoanB”, and myself. Amy wasn’t able to make it due to some school work. I don't think I'm that big on tapas....not enough food, plus it's too damn expensive.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Practicing for FFS?
My electro was able to squeeze in 1.5 hours on me tonite. Unfortunately for me, I forgot my pain killers, so it was back to the old days of feeling every little ounce of pain. It’s ok, I grabbed some comfort food on the way home.
It reminds me, on Saturday, my electro had her hand on my one good nostril (a deviated septum prevents me from breathing that well through the other nostril), so I turned my head a little to take the pressure off my nose. Soon, her hand was on my nose again, so I turned a little more. Again, her hand found my nose, so I said, “Yo, your hand is squeezing my one good nostril to breathe through!”
She chuckled and says, “Oh, I thought your nose was a hand rest.”
Yes or No?
I was filling out a visit survey for Kaiser recently...one that was addressed to Kara since my therapist recently changed my name in the system, along with the M to an F. So, down at the bottom of the survey it asks: “Do you have a physician or nurse practioner whom you see for most of your gynecological care?” Hmmm....they didn’t have a Not Applicable answer, so I just filled out the No box. That one will be a new one for me next year.
What are the odds?
I picked up Claire and Amy in the city, then drove them back to my place. We needed to drop by the grocery store, so I picked the one closest to where I live. I was in half girl mode since I hadn’t put my makeup on yet, but I still had the hair and clothes looking girlish, to a degree. As we drove there, I told Claire and Amy that “there was only one co-worker that I knew of that lived close to me, and the odds of running into him where pretty small.”
So, we’re in the store when I see a former co-worker walk in the front door. Great! So, I head toward the check-out aisles to get out of there before she recognizes me. As soon as I get there, I spot a current co-worker and turn tail again. Doh! Me and my stupid mouth. I handed off my stuff to Claire then boogied to my car where I sat until Claire and Amy came out. Whew! Well, I have less than 3 days until the company letter goes out, but I just didn’t want some bad rumors going around before it comes out.
It reminds me, on Saturday, my electro had her hand on my one good nostril (a deviated septum prevents me from breathing that well through the other nostril), so I turned my head a little to take the pressure off my nose. Soon, her hand was on my nose again, so I turned a little more. Again, her hand found my nose, so I said, “Yo, your hand is squeezing my one good nostril to breathe through!”
She chuckled and says, “Oh, I thought your nose was a hand rest.”
Yes or No?
I was filling out a visit survey for Kaiser recently...one that was addressed to Kara since my therapist recently changed my name in the system, along with the M to an F. So, down at the bottom of the survey it asks: “Do you have a physician or nurse practioner whom you see for most of your gynecological care?” Hmmm....they didn’t have a Not Applicable answer, so I just filled out the No box. That one will be a new one for me next year.
What are the odds?
I picked up Claire and Amy in the city, then drove them back to my place. We needed to drop by the grocery store, so I picked the one closest to where I live. I was in half girl mode since I hadn’t put my makeup on yet, but I still had the hair and clothes looking girlish, to a degree. As we drove there, I told Claire and Amy that “there was only one co-worker that I knew of that lived close to me, and the odds of running into him where pretty small.”
So, we’re in the store when I see a former co-worker walk in the front door. Great! So, I head toward the check-out aisles to get out of there before she recognizes me. As soon as I get there, I spot a current co-worker and turn tail again. Doh! Me and my stupid mouth. I handed off my stuff to Claire then boogied to my car where I sat until Claire and Amy came out. Whew! Well, I have less than 3 days until the company letter goes out, but I just didn’t want some bad rumors going around before it comes out.
Monday, February 02, 2004
Keeping it super
I invited a number of friends over for the Super Bowl yesterday, including some who had never seen me as Kara before. Pete, his wife, and their son, along with Erica, Dreu, and Debbie, had their first view of me in “girl mode.” Claire, Amy, Marina, Kathy, and Diana were all at the Cotillion last week, and over spending time with the two first place losers, as I call both Damon and myself. Damon sent me an email this past week wondering what I was doing for the Super Bowl, so I invited him over. I also received an email from Bob, an old college friend, who said he had just moved into the Bay Area. He and I participated on the same sports team what seems like so long ago. He said he was 30 now, and wow, he was like the little kid when I was the old person on the team. Anyway, I invited him over since I knew he probably didn’t have anywhere else to go. It was good to see him again.
I’ll keep it simple: we pigged out.
Afterward, a few of us watched a little Survivor All-Stars, and a Survivor video application I dug up after there were numerous inquiries into my past attempt to be on the show. So...we watched the old me speak for 3 minutes. The recording was about 8-9 months before I began reaching the beginning of my “self awareness” or initial “crisis point,” whatever you want to call that point when you start to address your GID.
Today, I had one of the guys that usually plays sports at lunch stop by my cubicle and say, “ahhhh...this is your hiding spot. We haven’t seen you the past few months. We’re all waiting for the big day.”
“The big day?” I ask thinking my rumor has escaped a few days early.
“Yeah. The time you come out again. We’re ready for you now.”
“Oh.” How symbolic, huh?....considering my letter to the company goes out this Friday.
It’s been hard to hide the breast growth the past few months, plus I have been pretty busy at work. Perhaps I will go out on Wednesday since I won’t be able to play anything for 9 months to a year after FFS, and just hope that they don’t notice the boobs.
Speaking of work again, my boss Y and I were in a bi-weekly meeting last week and via our conversation, I could tell he was going to announce that he was leaving the company for another job. He confirmed it and said he was giving his two week notice on Friday, thus making his last day at work my last day at work before FFS. Doh! That leaves Robi all by herself for almost a month. She didn’t like that news on Friday when Y told her...making it her “worst day ever.”
Finally, I was going to get in a little electro cleanup tonite, but my electro called to give me the good news and the bad news. The good news is that our friend Rachel had successful SRS this morning and was doing fine. The bad news was that her wife (more legal than an actual relationship) was freaking out. My electro said she would probably have to do some “hand holding” later on and said she couldn’t commit to working on me tonite. I told her no problem, of course, with her saying we might be able to get some time in tomorrow night...which is pushing my pre-FFS electro rule.
When talking to my electro, I asked what took so long for the wife to come to the realization that Rachel was taking what some consider to be the final step. I mean, Rachel hasn’t looked like a guy for quite a while and she’s already had a boob job and years of hormones. I guess this last step was just too much for her.
As I was making dinner tonite, I pulled a glass out of the cupboard to pour some leftover soda from the Super Bowl party. As I did, I spotted the writing on the glass. It said “#1 Brother.” The glass was a gift from my sister a long time ago. I wonder if she is going through the same thing that Rachel’s wife is going through...the loss of the male they once knew. Hopefully she will be able to see it the same way that Pete expressed it last night, “You’re still the same person...you just look a little different.”
I’ll keep it simple: we pigged out.
Afterward, a few of us watched a little Survivor All-Stars, and a Survivor video application I dug up after there were numerous inquiries into my past attempt to be on the show. So...we watched the old me speak for 3 minutes. The recording was about 8-9 months before I began reaching the beginning of my “self awareness” or initial “crisis point,” whatever you want to call that point when you start to address your GID.
Today, I had one of the guys that usually plays sports at lunch stop by my cubicle and say, “ahhhh...this is your hiding spot. We haven’t seen you the past few months. We’re all waiting for the big day.”
“The big day?” I ask thinking my rumor has escaped a few days early.
“Yeah. The time you come out again. We’re ready for you now.”
“Oh.” How symbolic, huh?....considering my letter to the company goes out this Friday.
It’s been hard to hide the breast growth the past few months, plus I have been pretty busy at work. Perhaps I will go out on Wednesday since I won’t be able to play anything for 9 months to a year after FFS, and just hope that they don’t notice the boobs.
Speaking of work again, my boss Y and I were in a bi-weekly meeting last week and via our conversation, I could tell he was going to announce that he was leaving the company for another job. He confirmed it and said he was giving his two week notice on Friday, thus making his last day at work my last day at work before FFS. Doh! That leaves Robi all by herself for almost a month. She didn’t like that news on Friday when Y told her...making it her “worst day ever.”
Finally, I was going to get in a little electro cleanup tonite, but my electro called to give me the good news and the bad news. The good news is that our friend Rachel had successful SRS this morning and was doing fine. The bad news was that her wife (more legal than an actual relationship) was freaking out. My electro said she would probably have to do some “hand holding” later on and said she couldn’t commit to working on me tonite. I told her no problem, of course, with her saying we might be able to get some time in tomorrow night...which is pushing my pre-FFS electro rule.
When talking to my electro, I asked what took so long for the wife to come to the realization that Rachel was taking what some consider to be the final step. I mean, Rachel hasn’t looked like a guy for quite a while and she’s already had a boob job and years of hormones. I guess this last step was just too much for her.
As I was making dinner tonite, I pulled a glass out of the cupboard to pour some leftover soda from the Super Bowl party. As I did, I spotted the writing on the glass. It said “#1 Brother.” The glass was a gift from my sister a long time ago. I wonder if she is going through the same thing that Rachel’s wife is going through...the loss of the male they once knew. Hopefully she will be able to see it the same way that Pete expressed it last night, “You’re still the same person...you just look a little different.”
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