Butterflies

I woke up this morning and first thing, I felt a lump on my testicle when I was performing my monthly exam. Yeah, I still check them just to make sure that I don’t develop testicular cancer with the hormones. The lump was near the end of the testicle, but there was other stuff around the lump as well. If I moved the testicle around to a different spot, that lump couldn’t be felt. So, after going over the picture of the internal aspects of a testicle, I noted that it was probably the vas deferens and the epididymis meeting at the bottom side. I’ll continue to monitor the situation, though, as I would prefer to nip potential cancer in the bud early on than fight it later when it’s stronger. Yuck. I still had butterflies in my stomach just thinking I might have cancer.

As I pulled into work today, I realized that my letter to employees was being sent out today. Again, butterflies in my stomach. As I walked to my desk and past people I knew, I thought, “Do they know?” Later on, I found out that upper management didn’t like sending out a letter of disclosure, and that perhaps I should attend a meeting and disclose in front of my peers at that time. So, no letter was issued today, and I only have a week left of work for them to do something. Hopefully they will figure it out before I return. Or as I told Claire tonite, I’ll just walk in and yell, “Hey everyone, ‘I’m a transsexual...anyone wanna see my breasts?”

Claire and I talked for about an hour tonite about my dealings with work, our voices which we both need to work on, the ups and downs of transition, and thinking about transitioning versus not transitioning. Being a transsexual mainly sucks. It’s a lose-lose situation. I can’t have a regular life as a man, yet I can’t have a regular life as a woman, either. It’s just finding the path that sucks least.

I did pig out on comfort food today, though, with a donut between cereal and some leftover Chinese food from the other day for lunch. This afternoon I found some pizza in the breakroom, and heated up two small pieces. Then I grabbed a horrible bag of potato chips and a monster burrito from a local taqueria this evening, followed by an Oreo Cookie Ice Cream Bar for dessert. I know...bad Kara, but hey, the butterflies needed something to eat as well.

OK, I’m horribly tired. I’m physically, psychologically, and emotionally exhausted. I went running tonite, and it picked me up for a while, but that only lasted so long. I am going to sleep in tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll be feeling more energized.