The DMV and Social Security

After having a little cereal for breakfast, scrambled eggs for lunch (for 14 of the last 16 days), and taking a short nap, I was off to the DMV and Social Security office to obtain a new license and SS card. Because the California DMV is so packed, I made an appointment many weeks ago...before I even went under the knife. I got in line to obtain a placement number, and when I got to the front desk, he asked me what I was there for. I said I was there for a name change...and a gender change. I then handed him form DL 328, a gender change form put out by the DMV. He says, "You need to go to Social Security first. And you’ll have to send this form to your agency."

The majority of people I’d talked to up to that time said I needed to go to the DMV first, and then go to Social Security right after that. I told this to him, but he adamantly stated I had to go to SSA first. Great! Then I asked him, "What type of agency are you talking about with that form?"

He kinda bumbled about trying to come up with an answer, and then just blankly said, "Your agency."

I answered with, "That's a DMV form."

His response, "Oh."

Basically, though, he wouldn't give me a number until after I went to SSA. At that point I basically thought, "Great, this is going to take forever...and I’ll be spending all of Tuesday in here sitting and staring at the walls waiting to get my license." So, off I went to change my name with SSA as well. After a 50 minute wait there, I was in to see one of their personnel. Both people I talked to up to that time asked me if I was just changing the middle name...but I corrected them and said it was the first and the middle names. Anyway, the lady was very professional as she asked me if everything was correct. I'd filled out the form and circled F, but there was still an M on the paper I was checking. Darn! So, I decided to ask her what was needed to change the M to an F as I pulled out the DMV form that my therapist already filled out. She took the information and was off to ask her manager. Her manager came back and said they would have to check with someone who'd already gone home to see if I could have an F instead of an M. At least they are willing to check. They kept looking at my court order, but since I just had the name change and not the gender change as well (which requires SRS), they weren’t sure what to do. I wasn't born in California, so I won't go through that side of the court stuff here, anyway. Hopefully the face presented well enough so they will issue it with an F. The only bad thing about having an M on the social security part of things is if I change employers and they see an M on the Social Security part of my information. Anyway, they said they would let me know by Wednesday.

So, after leaving there right at 4pm (and their closing time), I decided to head back over to the DMV to see if I could still get in. There was a different person at the front desk, and I explained to her that I had an earlier appointment and that I had been told I needed to go to SSA first. She gave me a number, I went to the bathroom, then sat down. Not even a few minutes later and they were calling my number. It appears that the appointment still gave me priority. The guy that helped me was very professional and quite helpful. He even gave back my male driver’s license when I requested it in order to be able to provide evidence of who I was during this name/gender change bit. His manager, who he had asked a few questions of during my little visit, told him he had to keep the driver’s license and ID card I had provided, but he still gave back the driver’s license because he could tell I preferred to have it. He saw no harm. So, after taking a new picture and signing my new name a few times, I was out of there with a temporary license that had Kara on it, along with a big fat F! I was really expecting not to finish it all today, but I did it.

Upon returning home, I decided to stop by the manager's office to say hi with the new face. I wrote them a letter about a week ago telling them about my situation. I think one or two of them might have known since I’ve seen one of them a few times while I was out as Kara. When I poked my head in the office, everything seemed pretty good. She recognized me right away and asked me how I was doing. She also requested a copy of the name change, just to keep things legal.

I went to dinner with Rachel, Claire, Tyler, Amy, and Ali who is visiting from the UK to have FFS tomorrow. It was also my first time to meet Rachel, who looks and sounds incredible. I was also glad Rachel was there after we finally decided on a little Italian place to eat...she was able to tell me what everything was. Ali was nervous the entire night as she continued to play with her hair, but hopefully we calmed her spirits knowing she has friends that will visit the Cocoon House. She also got to see a wide spectrum of Dr. O graduates. Rachel was about 1.5 years postop, Claire is at 3 months, Tyler is 6 months on the top, and 2 weeks on the bottom, and I am just shy of 3 weeks.

Tyler and I were the slow walkers on our trek to dinner. After the DMV and SSA fiasco, I was wearing out. Tyler’s feet also started hurting on our walk, but I was doing ok in my boots, even though they have a heel on them. They’re my Easy Spirit boots. OK, like I mentioned before, the store had a lot of shoes that had both comfort and style in mind. When I told Robi about my selection, she goes, "That store is for older women...like my mom!" OK, so I shop in the old women's shoe store...the shoes are much more comfy, although I only have one pair. When I was shopping in Macy’s the other day, I noticed a table of Easy Spirit shoes there as well, and one women closer to my age was looking at them. I don’t remember if a salesperson made a comment or something, but she blurts, "I don’t care...I want comfort!!!" I just smiled and thought about saying, "Oh, I hear ya...and completely understand."

Feeling it

I received my normal pay stub in the mail this weekend. Unfortunately, I was only paid for one day of work on this past payday since the day before I went on disability was President’s Day. The amount wasn’t even enough to pay for the bi-weekly payment to my 401k loan. How much do you want to bet that’s going to come back and bite me on the arse? Anyway, so, I’m hoping that the short term disability people, along with the subsidized state funding, will come through sometime to provide regular pay....or some portion thereof.

I was back to having eggs again today, since I actually backed off of them the past 2 days. I figure I’ll probably eat them a little more as the back jaw muscles are still working to get back in shape.

I took a shower this morning, and during the course of it, I hawked up this huge snot ball from my nose/sinuses. Yuuuckk!!! After the shower, I had some drainage coming down my nose, so I had to dig it out with Q-tips and a pair of tweezers. Also, I’ve had this crusty thing kinda sitting near the inside base of my nostril since surgery, and I wasn’t sure if it was a scab or a dried up booger, but it finally loosened today while I was digging out the softer stuff, so I kinda eased it out of my nose as well.

I was down at a TGSF meeting this afternoon, then went to dinner with Susan, Brooke, Susan from Helsinki (her final appearance), Kelly, and Walt. Since I’d had my fill of pasta and eggs lately, I stayed away from the noodles and omelets, and just decided upon some chicken fingers. Believe it or not, chicken’s do in fact have fingers. I threw a ton of tabasco sauce on them just to give them flavor. Since I still don’t have full taste and smell back yet, I had to throw a lot on it just to taste it. I could tell my mouth was tingling when I was about finished, but as I told them, I couldn’t really feel it.

Say, what did Dr. O actually do to you?

I went to lunch with Brooke, Susan, Rachel, Susan from Helsinki, and Jamie, who I hadn’t seen in quite a while. During lunch, I found myself having "tired" spells and would shut my eyes for short periods of time. After that, Brooke went with me to the mall to find some camisoles. We went straight to J. Jill where I was able to finally find some decent ones, then we were out of there. I stayed out way too long though...close to 5 hours. The drive home was difficult as I found myself becoming sleepy. Luckily, Tyler called as I was driving home, so I was able to stay awake long enough to get home safely.

Around noon today, though, my short term disability company calls to ask when they think I will be returning to work. I tell them I still tire easily, and that I hope to head back to work on Wednesday, which is the recommended three weeks of recovery for Dr. O’s surgery. It’s kinda funny...they sent me a letter dated February 26th and postmarked March 1st, which I received on Thursday, March 4th. It basically said that they felt I should be able to return to work on March 1st, and that if didn’t, then they would need a ton of information from the physician who was treating me. I have my follow up appointment with Dr. O on Tuesday, so hopefully I can take care of the subsequent information at that time.

On a lighter note, I think I’ve sneezed three times since surgery, and during all three sneezes none of my brains have come out my nose. Whoo hoo! No, seriously, most of the "air rush" comes out my mouth, so I haven’t really let anything go through the nose yet.

Mira basically told me that I shouldn’t blow my nose until early April, and that I should try to inhale any....uh...schtuff...back through my mouth. Nice!

I’ve also noticed "strings" along the bottom edge of my mouth where the sutures are. It appears they are either dissolving or just being more noticeable. I can feel them on both sides of my mouth. I wonder how long I’ll have those sticking around in there as it’s getting harder and harder to distinguish the strings from bits of residual food.

Uncle Jack emailed wondering what exactly I had done with FFS, and looking back at my entries, I realized that I didn’t exactly talk about what I had done. So....I had my forehead recontoured, my hairline was moved forward, my nose was feminized, the distance between my upper lip and my nose was reduced, the back flair of my jaw was shaved off, the chin was shortened and narrowed, and my Adam’s Apple was shaved down.

The specifics include that Dr. O made an incision from about 3cm above my ear, along my front hairline, and down to just over the other ear. Total length of cut = 35cm. He then peeled the skin and tissue forward exposing the forehead bone. He then cut the boney brow off and reformed it into a smoother surface. Because the cut exposed the front sinus cavity, it had to be reformed. He used titanium wire to piece it back together and then ground down the surface to a nice round shape. As he was sewing it back together, he cut out 2-3cm of the forehead skin and moved the hair-covered skin forward to make a new hairline. He made an incision right under my chin and was able to shave off my Adam’s Apple that was about 4-5cm below the incision. He cut inside the back portion of my mouth to expose the jaw bone, shaved off the back flair of my jaw bone, and removed some of the muscle that was also quite prominent there. He then cut along the bottom portion of my mouth, between the base of the gumline and the inner cheek. This exposed the chin bone. He then cut out a horizontal wedge to shorten the height, then tapered the chin to narrow it...I think. He then modified my nose by doing an open rhinoplasty. He made an incision in the base of my nose and lifted the flap up to expose the interior of the nose. He narrowed the nose from the forehead down to the central base. He undeviated my deviated septum, and slightly reshaped the bottom portion of my nose. Sometime while working on my nose, he also cut out a 1-2mm section of the skin just under the nose, then resewed the skin back together. He installed tubes in the jaw cavities that led to little plastic bags. They would create a vacuum in the bags which would pull excess blood built up in the area he cut and ground on along my jaw. I also had sutures along my hairline, and metal staples in the incision actually in my hair. There were sutures along the bottom of my nose, dissolvable sutures in my mouth, and internal and external sutures along the incision under my chin. I had two splints up my nose that were attached to one another through my septum, a nose cast, and bandages along the base of my nose which covered the nose packing that was shoved up into my nose (which made it impossible to breathe through my nose). Finally, I had a chin strap to keep the skin tight against my chin and in place, along with dressing over my entire head. Wanna see a picture?

Nice, huh?

The numbness on the top of my head will hopefully return over time, which can be months to years, and some people never fully regain sensation there. This is all due to the way he reforms the forehead. He basically has to cut the two nerves that run up to the top of the forehead because he peels back everything to expose the bone. The chin/bottom lip tingly sensation should hopefully return to normal inside the next few months, along with sensation in the tip of the nose. Since he removed some of the jaw muscle, I’ve had trouble fully opening my mouth, but over time it’s returning to normal. I’m not supposed to return to very hard foods until early April.

Oh yeah, another funny thing I’ve noticed is that once I got home from the Cocoon House, I felt cold (still do slightly), and turned up the temperature in my apartment. I noticed the same thing with Claire immediately following her surgery. My mom and roomie both felt the place was getting hot since I’d turned on two heaters in the main living area, even though I felt quite comfortable. I turned them off when I realized that I was the one that was off on the temperature.

Out Walking

I got out of the apartment this afternoon for a little light walking...around the mall. I bought some new foundation from Prescriptives based on the recommendation of two friends. I also found a few tops over at Old Navy just to get around in. I tried finding a few quality camisoles for work, but I didn’t have that much luck. As I was shopping around in Macy’s, this guy walks right by me from behind and says, “I like your hair.” OK, that was a little boost to the ol’ ego.

My head was starting to pound after about three hours of walking around, so I headed for the car and started to leave, but ran into Ally (who didn’t recognize me at first) and Laura, both who were familiar with Dr. O’s work. I sat with them for a few minutes as they reviewed my progress at 16 days post-op. They said I was doing pretty good with the swelling, and that my nose wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. We talked about the large radius from the forehead to the nose, but Ally said that was the way Dr. O did all of them. I know. I just hoped to avoid it by asking for a straight nose. Yeah, right.

Not doing much

Wow, my “vacation”/recovery has really flown by. I have less than a week left. Ro from work stopped by tonite to see how I was doing. She shows up with a box of donuts as a gift, but I think she’s just trying to fatten me up. Actually, she’s always remarked that I don’t have any vices except sugar, and every once in a while she caught me grabbing an unhealthy donut on Friday mornings. I think she savored the moments.

Anyway, she asked what I was doing to keep myself busy. I told her I wasn’t doing that much, but that the days were flying by anyway. She asked what I did today and I went down the very short list. Uhhh...Wilma Jean called from the Cocoon House to say she was headed home, ate breakfast, read emails/forum boards, fixed scrambled eggs for lunch (I wonder what the world record is for eating scrambled eggs continuously), polished out some of the other car’s paint on the front fender of my car, looked under the hood to tweak a few items, washed some dishes, took a shower....and well, that took us up until then. What a lazy bum, huh?

When there's something strange...who ya gonna call?

So, the insurance repair estimator stopped by to see my car this morning. They’ve been working off my old name, but there was basically no way I was going to even try to present boy this morning when he showed up. In fact, I made sure to wear a padded bra and put on a little makeup. When he asked about me being in the hospital when my mom had the accident, I just stated I was having surgery. He replies, “I thought ‘poor guy’, already being in the hospital when your car was in an accident.”

That did well for the ol’ ego. I saw his paperwork which had down ‘Mr.’ written in front of my name, so he had a preconception of who I was, but even the image of me 2 weeks post-op from Dr. O still had him calling me a ‘poor guy’.

Since my mom has already flown back to the Midwest, I had to dig the tripod out to take the daily picture. I leaned over on the other side of my bed to get the tripod, and WHAM! ran right into the handlebar of my bike. At first the sensation was half ‘screaming pain’ but the other half was ‘hmmm...I think I hit my head’. What was really weird is that I couldn’t tell exactly where I hit my head. It felt on the side sorta, but also on top. After looking in the mirror, I saw that I hit the upper outer portion of my forehead, where the skin has only had half the normal sensation. I’ve run the top of my head into stuff so far, and I realize that my head isn’t going anywhere, but I can’t tell that I am touching anything. It’s a weird sensation.

Claire invited me up to the city to watch a movie at her place with Amy as well. /Amber/ also sent a note to me this afternoon wondering if I was up for dinner or something, but I told her I was headed to the city and invited her along. She picked me up, and we cruised up to the city in her fancy little car. Claire had already ordered a pizza, and after it arrived, I slowly tore into a few pieces with a fork and knife. I sliced the portions so that they would fit into my mouth, and would hopefully be small enough so that I could chew them. I made it through 4 slices, but I am going to be sore tomorrow. That’s the solidest (yes, we laughed at that word) food I have eaten in over 2 weeks. We also spent 1 hour and 40 minutes of my life watching Lost in Translation. Somewhere after the first 5 minutes, my translation got lost. It was way too slow for me. Sure, I like artsy movies, but I like dialogue. Throw me a bone...keep me awake. Don’t just show people staring out a window, or being lost in the city, or whatever...about a hundred different ways. Yes, we realize the two of them are utterly bored. So was I. Usually I pay $10 to see a movie...at least entertain me. Anyway, thumbs down to the movie. OK, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with the movie...but there was nothing that made me want to ever watch it again.

During the initial part of the movie, I asked if the husband was the loser brother off of Friends. Claire clarified, “You mean Phoebe’s brother?”

“Yep, that’s him. Why does he always play loser roles?” I asked.

“Because he looks like a loser,” laughed Claire.

“Hey now, we need to look beyond our physical looks.” blah...blah...blah “When was the last time Bill Murray actually played a winner?” I asked.

“Ghost Busters,” blurted Claire.

“Jeez...that was like 1984.”

Whew, that’s a long time ago. I have no idea where I’m rolling with this topic, but are we always typecast into what other people see, even though we may be this entirely different person on the inside. My inner person is on the outside of my face right now - sorta -, but she’s been beat up a little. Give her a little time to recover.

Trying to fly

The past two days have been hard. I’ve been going through spells of depression due to a culmination of events. The recent surgery, recovering from that surgery, not feeling pretty, having the nose feel like it is way off, having facial hair popping out, being “sir’d” at the voter booth today, dealing with the car, dealing with all of the name change stuff, my mom going home, dealing with going back to work as Kara (I actually had a dream about this last night), and just going through what I call the Superman syndrome has caused me to be pretty down.

So, yes, I’m going through the post-surgical depression and I know that I’m going through it. Even that I know what is affecting me, I still have to deal with all of the motions and emotions. It’s kinda like knowing that the bridge is washed out, but still not being able to cross it.

The Superman syndrome basically boils down to the song, “Superman (It’s Not Easy) which goes something like this:

I can’t stand to fly, I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find the better part of me
I’m more than a bird...I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry, fall upon my knees,
Find a way to lie about a home I’ll never see
It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed..but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right..you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...
I can’t stand to fly, I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees
I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one-way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

What does all of that mean...well, in my opinion, the Superman syndrome is that Superman deals with all of the stress of being Superman, but he still has Clark Kent in which to live that regular life. Up until this facial surgery, I could go out as Kara and have fun, but I had “him” to go back to...to walk around in the regular world and not be labeled a freak. But now, I’m Superman full time without a Clark Kent to fall back on, and it’s not easy...not that I’m a hero or anything, but just using the similar situation.

Last night I cried myself to sleep thinking that I’ll never have a normal life. I’ll never be able to have children, never be considered a real woman, never be in a normal relationship...blah, blah, blah...woe is me. Yeah, I know...stop feeling sorry for myself.

With the small things I see wrong with my FFS, I feel depressed because I know that I’ll have to have revisions...which means more surgery, more recovery, and more money. I also feel ugly because I’m still swollen. Also, my nose feels like it is way off to the left. I know...wait for the swelling to go down, but it still feels off. My mom and everyone else says that it’s not noticeable, but I didn’t do all of this for them...I did it for me. I also paid a ton of money...money that I’m going to have to repay to my 401k out of my regular pay for the next 5 years, and for that type of money you’d think there wouldn’t be any major screw-ups (that hopefully don’t exist once the swelling goes down). Mom tried cheering me up, and she knows that I'm not taking it out on her, but just trying to explain that for the amount of money I paid, I should have gotten what I asked for.

I also have a hard time saying good-bye, and today I said good-bye to her after she was out here for two weeks taking care of me. I cried as I drove back home. I think that the surgery/recovery is also a very exciting time in my life, and now I’m also coming down off the excitement to regular boring days, and that’s depressing as well. It’s like living a lifetime for one event, then that event being over all of a sudden, and you’re stuck sitting there going, “Ugghhhh...what do I do now?” I have plenty of things to do now, but I think it’s relative to the situation.

Like I said, though, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy the past two days. I thought about calling “joanb” to talk to her about it, because she’s always been willing to talk to me about all of this, she's been through it before, and she gives it to me straight without all of the BS. Funny thing...after I dropped off my mom at the airport this afternoon, “joanb” actually called me, and mentioned that this is the time period when depression usually kicks in after this type of surgery. It was a good talk, and as usual, she kept it real. Brooke also called after that, and I talked to her about it as well. My phone bill is going to be insane this month!!!