...not necessarily in that order.
I woke up this morning and remembered a dream that I had had. (Isn’t it weird to be able to type the same two words in a row and still have it be proper English?...or is it?). Anyway, I was in an old house I lived in during high school and my dad was wearing retro 70’s stuff to work, but he appeared much younger, not quite 1970’s young though. Funny thing was, I realized it wasn’t my dad....well, it was my dad, but someone else was in my dad’s body. When confronted, he said he was actually my current boss’ boss. That was weird.
When I grabbed my phone this morning to put it in my pocket, I’d seen that Jamie had called while I was in the shower. I called him, but there was no answer. When I got to work he called me. I thought he was calling to talk football, as he had the day before, but this was different. There was a friend of ours named Mark that had developed Hodgkin’s Disease a few years ago, and Jamie called to tell me that he had died this past weekend. Mark was younger than me. I hadn’t seen him since I moved to California. I remember seeing him on my last day of work, a week before I moved away.
Mark and I were two of three coworkers that were sent to Japan in 1995. We were there for almost 3 weeks learning some new technology items we were beginning production on. I remember us taking the bullet train to Tokyo and finding some deeply missed cheeseburgers and milk shakes at the Hard Rock Cafe. We also went out to a park back near our hotel and found a field to throw around the football. We played soccer with some Japanese kids then tried to teach them how to play American Football. Yeah, you can call it Imperialism if you want to, but they seemed eager to see how to play it.
Mark and I also roadtripped to Dallas for a Texas Rangers-NY Yankee playoff game. We drove down to Little Rock on a Thursday evening, drove the rest of the way Friday morning, grabbed lunch, watched the game, then drove back to Missouri Friday night / Saturday morning. Jamie’s wedding was that Saturday and I was in the wedding party. I drove from about 11pm to 1am, then Mark drove from about 1-4am...me from 4-6am, Mark from 6-8, and then I drove the rest. I would wake up here and there during my naps and ask Mark how he was doing. He said he was staying awake...most of the time. We’d pull over about every rest stop and grab a Mountain Dew...back in my days of drinking caffeine.
Because I haven’t seen him in over 2 and a half years, his death seems distant to me. He’s been fighting it for a while, now, and as Jamie said, this was probably for the best. I’ll miss Mark. I never was able to talk to him after I came out to all of my former coworkers. I sent him an email, but he never responded. He might never have even seen the email, who knows.
Looking through my old journal to see where Mark and I traveled together, I ran across an entry where I went with my family to mark the 10th anniversary of my grandfather passing away. My dad had a hard time that day. One day, I’ll be the one having a hard time with his death, then a day sometime after that, perhaps someone else will have trouble with my death. Then after that, I will be nothing more than plant food with an engraved rock to mark my existence on Earth. I hate being so morbid. I’m about to cry just thinking about how our existence here is so non-consequential. Do we really matter...or is it as the song says....”life is but a dream?” I guess these thoughts just have to be a reminder to live each day to its fullest, but never let go of reality...well, unless you need to once in a while, just to get through those wacky dreams. So, Mark, wherever you are, there will always be a piece of you in me.
Sorry to make this entry so long, but today was filled with a lot of events. I only worked half a day today, then took off this afternoon to have my FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) consult with Dr. O.
First off, I visited the X-Ray Imaging facility in the Sunset District. I was early, filled out the paperwork, then sat down to read the book I had brought along. My name was called shortly by a woman named Sunny. It was foggy out, but she brightened my day. We did a series of X-rays, the last with me facing the wall where there was an X-ray of Homer Simpson’s head with a small brain. I’d been told it was there, and here I was seeing it in person.
“I’ve been told I need to put a crayon up his nose,” Sunny says to me. Being the Simpson’s fan I am, I told her she was correct.
We had to retake one X-ray since she said it came out a little dark, then they provided me with the X-rays to take with me. I took a look at them before I left their office. Yep, there it was, the frontal sinus cavity, although not quite as large as I had seen in other examples, but still, it was right there. I’ve got a pretty thick head in that section as well. I’m sure there are plenty of people nodding their head in agreement at this point.
I decided to just head over to the hospital and read my book while waiting. I arrived over 1.5 hours early. The receptionist walked me to the waiting room to fill out some initial paperwork and as we did, I spotted my friend Ally talking to Mira. I waved hello and we chatted for a while. Unfortunately, she’s having to go through some legal motions to salvage some of her life. Long story.
As I was filling out the paperwork, I noticed the blue pen they gave me to use. Then it clicked...this was the infamous Blue Dr. O Pen that everyone walks away with. When I finished the paperwork, I gave the clipboard and pen back to the receptionist, but she asked if I wanted to keep the pen as a souvenir. “You bet!!” I told her.
As I read my book, I heard Mira talking to Sarah on the phone...the same Sarah I had visited the day before. It sounded like she wasn’t having a good day. When I peeped around the corner to say something about Sarah, Mira introduced herself. It appeared Sarah had quit the painkillers cold turkey, and wasn’t feeling too good. Mira suggested that she only take half a pill for a while to wean herself off them slowly.
I read my book for a little while longer, then was escorted into Dr. O’s exam room. He's a pretty nice person and definitely listened to what I had to say. I talked to him about just doing moderation on my face, and he said I was one of three that brought that up. He said the three that mentioned it before all ended up wanting more in the end.
Let's see....I'll start at the top and work down. I have the Type III forehead (as most people do), but my front sinus cavity wasn't too bad. He said I had an 8cm forehead, and he wanted to take it down to a 5cm forehead for my height/weight. I’m 5’5” and 140lbs (165cm and about 64kgs). When I was sitting down with Mira after the consult, I asked her how high her forehead was, and she said 6.5cm. I thought the 5cm was way too low, especially since he said I had 8cm now (I never knew where exactly he measured from on the low end). My sister has a fairly high forehead as well, so I will probably try to negotiate with him on it down to about 6-6.5cm.
On the nose, he said he would have to go back a little into the nose, but not much, so the rhinoplasty would be minimal. He said my nose wasn't big, but that it had the typical male features. He did notice that it is a little wide as it approaches the eyes, which I already knew, but otherwise he didn't mention doing anything radical to the nose. Since I have a deviated septum, he said he would be able to fix that as well.
He mentioned shortening the upper lip about 2-3mm. The thing that scares me with this is the scar that sits right under the nose. Since he creates a slight up-turn with the nose, it sheds a little more light there for people to see the possible scar. Since I'm short, maybe that will be ok.
He liked my cheeks (Yeah!!! )
He said I have the typical male chin....right on the money, and he will adjust my jaw line. He said my jaw muscle was huge and asked if I ate walnuts with the shell on them. (Humor???)
Finally, he actually asked me if I wanted my Adam's Apple done or not. He said it didn't protrude that bad. I tilted my head all the way back, and he said it's only going to show when I do that.
I told him that I had some concerns. I was impressed with his work, and there were plenty of T's out there that looked great, but there were some that....just didn't look natural. Their proportions seemed out of whack....almost like too much had been done. I told him I wanted to look natural, not like a freak. I know he can't make me look like a supermodel, but I do want to look natural. He used what appears to be his classic line...that once he’s done with you, you'll be able to answer the door in the morning without makeup or the hair made up and still get ma'amed. But he’s right, that’s the goal....only I’m a perfectionist on some matters, especially my face.
The Bill:
Item Cost
Scalp Advancement--$3,500
Forehead III--$7,500
Nose / SMR--$6,500
Upper lip reduction--$2,000
Chin feminization / Jaw (something)--$9,500
Tracheal Shave--$2,000
Amenities--$8,970
Total--$39,970
Heart Attack - $10,000
So, for saying he liked some parts of my face and spending 10.5 hours to do it all, I still ended up with a very high bill. Fun.
Anyway, I didn't feel like he was a salesman at all. We did discuss some other aspects of the surgery, and at times I did step on toes a little, but he handled it very professionally. I spent about 40 minutes with him alone, and never made it to see slides with Mira, although I would really like to take a look at some of the faces that were similar to mine to start with. Maybe I'll have to stop by again and take a look...one of the advantages of being local.
Definitely have everything written down, including looking at the slides of other patients. I think he appreciates it when people do their homework before visiting him.
I headed over to the Cocoon House after the consult and said hi to Sarah. She still wasn’t in the best of moods. We chatted for a while, then she decided to take a nap, so I headed home. I ran tonite, then thought about heading over to Jack in the Box for a spicy chicken sandwich, but opted instead for an easy bowl of cereal. Maybe I’ll grab that sandwich tomorrow after dance class.
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