Thoughts

Today was different. I woke up this morning and went for the usual shower right out of bed when thoughts ran through my head. “What am I doing?” “Is this for me?” Those thoughts are horrible, but there they were. I’m a thinker...always have been. Sometimes I think way too much.

I know where my heart is, but sometimes the path ahead just doesn’t look that good. All I can see is this huge cliff, but I can’t see over it and I don’t know if the path goes down safely or if it just stops at the edge. I know that the road I was once on was not the road for me, but this one is very hard, and there’s not much roadside assistance out there. The good thing, though, is that the girls that have already taken this road before have cell phones and can guide me down the cliff to safety. I just hope the batteries stay charged.

I visited my therapist today. I usually take in a list of things to talk about...a list I work on over the previous month. This time, I kinda forgot to put one together, especially with the three day weekend right before it. So, I arrived a little early and threw one together pretty fast. I usually have more than an hours worth of topics, and this time was no different. As we neared the end, I still had 2 topics left, one of which was the 2 previous paragraphs. She said that conversation was a whole session in itself but summarized it by saying it was ok to have reflective thoughts and doubts. She enlightened me on a little more of her philosophy on TS that have the same thoughts I have, and those that don’t have any of those thoughts.

We also talked a little about SRS and having her write up a pre-approval letter so that I can work on scheduling. It appears the waiting time has gone down extremely, so hopefully I’ll easily be able to schedule SRS for early 2005. She also mentioned that skin grafts are extremely likely. Well, that sucks. I was really hoping I had enough penile and scrotal skin to form a vagina with sufficient depth and an appealing exterior. Damn.

I had talked to Susan about depth of vagina this past weekend. She said take the length of the penis and subtract 2”. She then said to add 2” based on the skin from around the testicles. Then subtract 1” due to shrinkage once post-op. According to my calculations, that would leave me with a vagina almost 5” deep....which is just shy of the average American male penis length. We’ll have to see what the SRS surgeons say whenever I get around to having a consultation.

I cruised to dance class after therapy. The girls in this class have incredible bodies, and some move with such grace. I’m a slow learner with some of these moves, but I’m trying. With athletics, I’m usually all about straight lines or fast cuts. With dancing, you have to learn how to move specifically. So, with athletics, timing is determined by the actions, but with dancing, the actions are all determined by the timing. I’m catching on, but it just takes time. Tonite at home, I did try on some pants similar to dance pants, and wow....I was kinda amazed. The hips are starting to fill out. I’d like to buy some nice girlie dance clothes, but I don’t know if it’s worth the risk quite yet. I wonder if I can find some androgynous ones. I hope so.