A lion's thorn

Initially, when all of the dissolvable sutures were getting to be a nuisance more than functional, I started trimming all of the loose pieces close to the surface. I’ve had two little pieces sticking just above the skin in the lower area where things were sewn back together...just below the vaginal opening. Lately, though, these have become rather irritating. So, tonight I felt with my fingernail where it was, grabbed onto it with a pair of tweezers (which took many attempts), and gently pulled. Surprisingly, it kinda slide right out. The ‘dissolvable’ suture was at least half an inch long, which was even more amazing to me. After it was out, though...whew!....it felt a lot better.

Low Maintenance

I was out playing with the lunch-time crew today. It’s just over 2 months since surgery, and although I am nowhere near 100%, I wanted to try it anyway. I did OK, but didn’t push things. It definitely felt good to get back out, but as the rain started to fall, I told them I had to go since I didn’t want to get injured.

Initially, when I was hashing everything out with HR right after FFS, they gave me free reign over the bathrooms...except those with locker rooms in them...until after SRS. So, after today’s work out, I was in one of the bathrooms with the single shower stall. It was way better than running home to shower and running back to work.

Speaking of showering, I have been a real slacker lately. I still shower in the morning, but with dilating taking up an hour then and at night, I have cut out everything except the basics. That means I shower, then throw the hair in a clip and worry about doing something with it after I get to work...which usually entails just some side bangs and the clip in back or tying it back with a band. I still apply a UV protective moisturizer to my face, but no makeup except for a little eyeliner and lipstick once in a while. That’s about it. Well, I do dress myself and eat a little breakfast, but it has all cut down on my email and internet time in the morning.

It’s just so hard getting motivated to dilate. I mean, dilating isn’t that bad, it’s just a big time drain. Plus, being native-procrastinator, well, it just makes it hard to get going sometimes. I have the TV to watch and a number of magazines to read, but still, it’s just..I dunno...boring? So, when the nerves start firing again...who knows, I might change my mind.

Under There?

I’ve kinda been making due with the clothes that I have, minus the cheap underwear that was a size larger than my normal size. I wanted to fit comfortably while things were a little swollen. The swelling has mainly gone down, although I think there is still some in the mons area. Well, I hope it is swelling, or I am going to need the lipo like Amber needed.

Today, though, I finally stopped by Victoria’s Secret to find some new underwear now that Junior is no longer around. I have worn their bikini’s in size small, in order to hold things securely before SRS. Some panties fit snug, while others fit a lot more comfortable...and they were all supposedly the same size. So, I was there today to find a little better style as well as buy a few different sizes...both small and medium. I picked up some string bikini’s, as well as a pair of thongs. From trying them on this afternoon once I was home, it looks like I’m somewhere in between a small and medium. I hate being between sizes.

I also bought a pair from the GAP, just to size them up. I think I picked out a comfy pair, now I just need to shop around for the style that looks and fits best.

So, I have finally been getting back into the non-T world a little lately. I found a little co-ed league that has games every week, and today we had a small practice. Not everyone showed up, but the coach was there. I tried to tone things down since I didn’t want to come across as being too good (especially since I still have a lot of muscle leftover), but I did show a lot of good coordination and athleticism. I think the coach liked me, as he was already telling me that I needed to be there for the playoffs.

No one on the team knows about the T stuff, so I will admit that it bugged me a little wondering if they could tell or not. There was one other girl that showed up, and once in a while I would catch her staring at me when we were resting. (On average, women are much better at spotting T’s than men.)

This is one of the first times when I’ve tried to meet new friends that don’t know about the T stuff. Yes, it was a little nerve racking, but it was something I needed to do...just to get it over with. Before transition, I was afraid of people finding out who I was, and I’d prefer not to have to worry about that again. I just want to be me.

Today, though, I was super sore. My lower body...waist, hips, upper legs...are going to be feeling it for a few days.

Sticking with the “punish my body theme”, I treated myself with the silver nitrate after dilating last night. Unfortunately, I applied it too close to bedtime. I tried laying down to sleep, but the occasional stinging pain kinda prevented it. So, I popped a vicodin from last year’s Dr. O stash and went right to sleep once the warm feeling rolled over my body.

Slip N' Slide

I tried Astroglide instead of the Surgilube goop tonight. It worked fairly well, although it was harder getting it started and to full depth as fast as Surgilube. The Astroglide is far less messy, though, which is a big bonus, but since it has trouble even staying on the dilator, it tends to become thinner on the dilator the further you get back into the vagina. I found that I have to pull it in and out a few times to make sure that it coats the vaginal areas in the back...otherwise it kinda gets stuck...again.

Wow, your hair is getting long!

...my ex-roomie said as we were chatting this morning. She’s in town spending time with my current roomie, her boyfriend.

“Yeah, I guess it looks longer, but that’s what happens when I straighten my hair...everyone seems to think it looks longer.”

I straightened it Thursday night, and have been wearing a shower cap to prevent it from getting wet and going back to the curly frizzball hair.

So, I spent Friday morning at California Dreamin’ while presenting during one seminar for Transition in the Workplace. It went well with two other panelists and myself discussing some key aspects of our transitions, especially workplace stuff. Luckily, we’ve all maintained our current jobs.

Some key aspects: Try to be yourself way before going full time. This doesn’t necessarily mean the froo-froo stuff, but more of the psychological part. Be friendly and cheerful, converse with people, tell them about some of your hobbies or habits that might not necessarily be totally masculine. Let them see that you’re not some one dimensional male work drone. If you want to mix in the froo-froo stuff (painting your nails, tweezing your eyebrows, wearing feminine attire, piercing your ears, etc.), that’s fine, just be prepared when people notice them...and they will notice, but they might not mention it to your face. Some people are uncomfortable with the gender blurring, which could lead to some weird actions at work.

Also, try to be an indispensable worker. Make it hard for them to get rid of you if and when you come out or transition. If they realize that you are a valuable member of your team, they might look beyond the whole gender thing.

After the morning seminars, I called a friend to have lunch and possibly catch a movie.

“Wow, your hair is getting long,” she said when I walked in to her place.

“Yeah, I know. So is yours.”

Today, though, I was back down at Cal-Dreamin’ to see Dr. Meltzer for a check-up, and to possibly catch one or two seminars.

When I pulled up and got out of my car, I saw Dr. O and Mira entering the hotel right before me. As they meandered to the restaurant, I followed, then snuck up before asking them if they were lost. We said our hello’s, then they invited me to eat with them. “Sure, sounds good.” I still had an hour until my Dr. Meltzer appointment.

As we were eating and chatting, I spot Dr. Meltzer and Linda entering the restaurant right near us. I wave. They come over to our table and everyone starts chatting. Anyway, everyone eats and then I followed Dr. Meltzer and Linda back up to their room for the exam.

They normally have these cool black robes in the exam rooms, but this time it was these white paper robes that made me look like a samurai warrior. I put it on then laid back in the comfy chair in their room. I had already told Dr. Meltzer about the clitoral area, and he said he could treat it again with the silver nitrate. He did. It stung. Again! Luckily, it wasn’t quite as bad as the last time. I had off and on stinging pains the rest of this evening, though.

Let’s see, I also had questions as usual:

How soon can I start electrolysis again? You should be fine now.
I had a yeast infection two weeks ago and used Monistat to clear it up. (I guess that’s not really a question.) That usually clears things up.
I haven’t seen any type of invoice for the upcoming surgery this summer. Will they be sending that anytime soon? They should.
We also chatted a little more, just in general.

“Wow, you’re hair is getting long.”

(Ok...this is getting old.)

“It looks longer because I straightened it.”

“But it wasn’t all one length, was it?”

“It was...it just looks different when it’s curly.”

“Well, it looks good.”

"Thanks." :)

After that, I went back downstairs and chatted with some friends for a little longer. A lot of us Meltzer girls then attended his seminar. I wish he would talk more about the actual SRS procedure, show pictures of his work, and talk about a lot of the different details that you never really hear about. During the course of his presentation, though, he talked about body contour, and the transfer of that fat to other areas...including the hip.

When I previously talked to Carole about the transference of said waist fat to the buttocks/hip, she said it would just be reabsorbed by the body, and wasn’t really feasible.

After the presentation, we chatted again, especially since I had a few other questions. I told him I was interested in transferring the fat to the small little flat area on the side of my buttocks, just to give my hips a little rounder appearance. He said he might be able to do that, but the girls who came in looking for saddlebags would be very disappointed. I said I just wanted a little area taken care of that was flat.

I also asked him how long after the labiaplasty/body contour could I have breast augmentation. He said I could have it right away.

I also mentioned the smelly discharge I’ve noticed emanating from the clitoral area. It has also left that smell on my panty liners lately, so I assume I am still spotting some nasty stuff. I can’t even describe the smell, but if it is similar to what my friends have said about their vaginas smelling bad, this must be it. It took me quite a while to develop this fowl odor, but it looks like I am no longer a liar concerning my V-Day monologue.

Avoiding Death

The phone rang at 11:58pm Sunday evening. Anytime my phone rings after 10pm, it usually isn’t good. I’m always leery to answer it knowing that there is probably bad news behind the cheerful ringtone.

“Have you read your email?” she asked.

I’d seen my email icon bouncing a few minutes before, but hadn’t checked the mail that it indicated had arrived.

“I don’t know what to do,” she said, “we can only do so much.”

She’s right.

I read the email. It was from a T friend of ours. She basically said that if we were reading it, she was dead since she’d set a 5 hour time delay on the message being sent. Suicide. It was her second serious attempt. The first I thought was a cry for help...a reach into the dark for someone that would listen...that would help. This one sounded a little more serious since she was telling us after it had happened.

I called her phone. No answer. I left a message.

At 12:20am my time, I called the cops in her area...a one hour time difference. They took all of the info, including information from her last attempt. I also told them she was transgender. I feel being honest with the police shows them my respect in their ability and places my trust in them doing the right thing. They called back just past 1:30am to tell me there was no answer on her phones, and no response at her door. They said they didn’t have enough to go on to break down her door.

What else could I do?

I went back to bed...hoping she hadn’t done what she’d said she’d done.

Yesterday at noon, my phone rings. Her name pops up on my caller ID. I sat there for a second staring at the name...wondering if it was her, or someone who had her phone and was calling me to tell me she was dead. It’s one of those situations where you just kinda sit there pondering the universe as time slowly goes by. The phone rings, and yet, time just stood still as my brain pondered the eventual.

I said hello. I didn't want an answer...I almost preferred not knowing.

Luckily, it was her. She said that she OD’d Sunday night. She also told me that charcoal does not taste good. They used it to pump her stomach, and later gave her names of professional counselors. She said she was tired and had spent the past 3 days in the hospital.

It was good to know she was still alive. I mean, we all die, but why die when there is still so much life to live? I know why. Things have been tough for her. Again, transition is not easy. She feels there is no way out...no way to deal with all the GID stuff running through her head, especially with a lack of support that her family is showing her.

I, too, was trying to stay healthy and alive tonight...out for a little run. It’s the first time since surgery...over 7 weeks ago. I just went a short 2 miles. It was nice to get out again, and I felt really good when I took the first few bounces. The groin area felt like a super tuck the first mile. Yes, a super tuck. I went slow, and walked a bit, especially since I had nothing to prove to anyone. Based on how tight things were after walking around Scottsdale, I worried about being tight for dilation, but things weren’t that bad tonight.

Back to work

I’ve been using Monistat 7 the past few days just to make sure that things clear up. I haven’t noticed any of the sticking that happened before I started applying the cream, so I’ll take that as a good indication that the yeast infection is gone...I just need to be sure it stays gone.

One thing I have noticed, though, is that my depth seems to be less. I’m betting it has something to do with the Monistat. I was just shy of 6” to the labia when I started using it, and lately I can only muster about 5.5”. Hopefully that will return when I stop using the product.

Ahhh...so, today I was back to work full-time. I put in a few half-days physically at work, and one half-day from home before today, but today was the full thing. I was definitely feeling it in the afternoon. I just wanted to crash and take a nap, but that’s a little hard when I’m supposed to be working. Thankfully, I made this week a short week.

I got up at 7, dilated, showered, ate, and made it to work by 9. That hour dilation in the morning is killer. I’m only dilating for 30 minutes, but with setup, cleanup, and getting fully motivated, it basically takes an hour. When I’m down to only once a day, that will totally rock.

Bagels, anyone?

It looks like cottage cheese oozing out your vagina...or at least, that's what I'm told. It's also supposed to itch like the dickens.

Around 5 weeks after SRS, I noticed a little grayish-white gooey stuff on the end of the dilator when I was finished dilating. I thought it was just residual surgilube. I also noticed that the dilator wasn't sliding in as easy as it had in the past. I didn't notice any itching, though, simply because I don't really have any sensation inside the vagina so far.

At 5.5 weeks, I had a doctor's check-up and was told I had a small yeast infection. The doctor said to use some Monistat and it should clear up. All fine and dandy, right?

So, when I arrived in the feminine products area of the store (yes, I felt quite proud simply standing there), I bewilderingly stared at all the different types of products available to rid oneself of a yeast infection. There is Monistat 1, 3, and 7...along with all these different colors (which I assume indicate different products used along the same time period). I figured that if the Monistat 1 worked just as well as the 3 and 7, why not buy it since it got rid of it in less time, right?

So, I purchased #1. There is external cream and a sorta egg-shaped suppository...except it goes up the vagina with these cool little plunger and barrel accessories.

So, I tried it.

I talked to Janet from Dr. Meltzer’s yesterday (basically 6 weeks) and she suggested using the 3 or 7 day products since they provided better treatment. I’m going to use the 7 day product to make sure things have cleared up and store a box of the 3 day product at home just in case.

I've heard two different ways of applying the cream. One is to simply follow the directions of using a similar plunger/barrel to deposit the cream inside the vagina, or to dilate with the cream on the dilator (along with a little lube). Messy!

Anyway, things seem to be clearing up, and the dilator doesn’t seem to be sticking anymore.

Wonderland

I tried #5 last night after I had #4 in for a while. It actually went in quite easily, although it was hard getting the full depth out of it. Of course, that’s to be expected since I’ve seen it happen every time I jumped up in size. That depth usually comes back after I’ve dilated with it for a few days.

I’m surprised it took me this long, but I found that I could look up into my vagina by looking through the end of the dilator...with a flashlight and mirror, of course. It’s some pretty wild stuff, even if it is slightly distorted thru the looking glass.

So, I have #5 all the way in, I've moved it around a bit, I've looked at things up inside me, and I'm ready to pull it out. I gently tug and twist. It doesn't want to budge. I twist a little more. Nothing.

My mind floated back to my 6th grade sex education class. "What happens if it gets stuck?" one of my fellow classmates asked, looking for subsequent laughter from other kids who obviously had more of a clue than I did. I'm not sure what it was, but I really had no interest in my penis until it was very late in the game, and thus, I never really paid attention to any other aspects of it. It's funny, then, that I actually remember this question.

"Just wait a while, and it won't be stuck any longer," was the best response the teacher could come up with, from what I remember. I don't think that was going to help me with the current situation.

So, I decided to continually tug on the dilator with a gentle force in the hopes that it would eventually slide out. It took a couple of minutes, but I finally got it out.

Ready Bake Oven

I called Dr. Shaffer’s office two days ago to set up a post-op examine and check-up to see how things are going. Dr. Shaffer is herself post-op, and has seen many post-op patients, so I figured she would be the best person to see. The appointment was this morning, so I grabbed a few files at work to occupy my time this afternoon while I was away from the office.

We went over the basic info before she had me take off everything below my waist. She put the stirrups in place and I crawled onto the examining table, placing both feet in the metallic arms and spreading my legs wide.

She started at the top with the clitoris and said I had definite granulation tissue around it that needed to be treated with silver nitrate. Granulation tissue, as she explained it, is skin that isn’t quite able to heal like normal skin. She said it was the same reddish skin found under scabs if they are pealed off too soon. She explained that the silver nitrate was a chemical cauterizing compound that allowed the skin to heal properly.

I laid back as she began to apply the silver nitrate. She wanted to test it out on me to see if I needed to be numbed up while she worked on the area. It definitely stung, with about a quarter to half the pain associated with electrolysis, but this continued to sting. Luckily, it does diminish after a while, so she was able to work without having to numb me. (Plus, I’ve heard horror stories about her numbing techniques, so I really didn’t want her shooting me up.)

After that, she then moved to the urethra and said that it looked fine and was healing OK.

Dr. Shaffer then lubed up a duck-billed speculum. I laid back and tried to concentrate on keeping my muscles relaxed, but she seemed to have it in before I could fully concentrate. Getting it in was no problem, but when she opened the vagina, whew, there was a bit of pressure...especially as she moved it around. Connie, my former SRS ward-mate, said that the dilators made her feel like Connie-on-a-stick...but this speculum thingy made me feel like Kara-the-joystick as she jolted me around.

Anyway, she said the vagina looked pretty decent. I think she said that I didn’t have much sloughing or something, and that it appeared like the skin had adequate blood supply. “I haven’t had much sloughed skin come out with the douching,” I told her.

The next thing she said really surprised me. “You need to cut down on lube because I’ve just dug 5ml of it out of your vagina. You also have a small yeast infection. Use some Monistat to clear that up,” she said. In hindsight, I should have asked for a little more clarification on the whole Monistat thing since I’ve obviously never used it before.

I told her that I had been using only a sufficient amount of lube to get the dilators in and out, but that they had been a little sticky lately. I’m betting the yeast infection was the cause of the dilators sticking in there, especially since I’d seen a little bit of white stuff on the end of them lately. I thought it was residual lube, and had started douching a little more often, but it appears that it was probably the yeast infection.

Finally, she ended on a rather positive note as she inspected the bottom triangle area. She noted the small area where I had torn, but said that it had healed up OK and would not need any silver nitrate. She said she could see why I had torn because the ledge in that area was pretty tight to allow the dilators into the vagina.

Tonight, when I got home and looked in the mailbox, I found #5. I thought about naming it Tiffany or Britney, but I’ve decided to go with Brutus. Nah, just kidding...April Fool. Hey, since it arrived on April Fool’s Day, I think I’ll simply go with April. Somehow I knew that I wouldn’t know what to name it until it arrived. So, now I have Bob, Rosie, Arnold, Buster, Helga, and April.