When I read the news, my stomach dropped. It's that total feeling of shock. It's not a good feeling. Not a good feeling at all.
I feel like I failed....like I didn't do enough...like I didn't extend my hand far enough.
Sigh.
I blogged about a coworker last year that set off my T-dar. He showed a few indications that, to me, seemed like possible markers that he was transgender. To be honest, I don't know if he was or not. It might have just been things that I saw....things I wanted to see. Most likely, I will never know.
I found out this afternoon that he committed suicide last week. He never showed any signs at work that he had something troubling him so much that he would kill himself.
When I read the news, I went to a cubicle of a nearby programmer. We chatted. He said there must have been something bothering him so much...that he decided to kill himself over it. That was what got to my coworker...that he never showed any indications. I told him that no one ever saw any indication in me, either.
I don't know if I saw anything in him or not, but there's something about some of today's programmers that lends itself to escaping from society...escaping from something. Not all, mind you, but the profession or hobby lends itself to "hiding".
I wish I had chatted with him more. Sure, we conversed about some geeky stuff here and there, and we both shared iTunes music via our internal network, but I never reached out to him like I feel I could have. I won't blame myself, but I wonder...wonder how things would be if I had said hi a little more often.
1 comment:
Kara,
While this is indeed tragic, there is no way you can see into the depths of someones soul unless they reveal it to you. Having been there yourself, until you come to terms with the situation or begin to trust someone with how you feel it is impossible to move ahead. Please don't blame yourself. You are doing so many wonderful things already.
Post a Comment