Muscles and Bits

Yesterday, I went to Ellen’s celebration service. I went in girl mode - black top, long black sweater jacket, jeans - and threw a little extra eye shadow on like I did for La Cage. Steven had organized a lot of stuff for the service to remember her, including all of the cast members in attendance getting up on stage to sing the number from the opening act. I sat there during the celebration going over the lines of the song, hoping I could remember them. Then I went over one of the late lines which went ‘muscles and tits”...whoa!!! We can’t say that with this crowd...although we probably could have. I reflected on my memories of Ellen from the play and listened to the stories being told.

When it came time for the finale, Steven called us up there. There were five of us total...Steven, Tammy, Vanessa, Michael, and myself. Steven was in total drag, Tammy and Vanessa looked great as usual, and Michael was in a black dress with black wig. We all got up there and Steven started the music. I audibled “muscles and bits...muscles and bits.” We moved around a little like we did with the play, but mainly I just kinda stood in one spot. At least I was out there more than Vanessa and Tammy, who kinda wanted to hide. Amazingly, we did pretty good with the song, considering we hadn’t sung it in 4 months. I was impressed that we all knew the lines still.
Vanessa, Tammy, Steven, Michael, and me.

Whatchu lookin at?

Kelly and I arranged an education seminar in SF for today. We had about 9 people total for the legal presentation concerning transition and the review of AB196. There was a T that came in a little late who said she saw the event posted downstairs in the lobby of the LGBT Center, and decided to come up for the seminar.

After the event, I talked Amy and the girl from the UK, Stephanie, into doing a little shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. I finally found a nice little jacket at Nordstrom Rack, but still couldn’t find the purse I wanted. I think I am just going to get the one I saw last weekend at Macy’s with Brooke.

Anyway, we got dinner in the Castro at a nice little Italian place. I had my favorite, angel hair pasta with fresh tomatoes and garlic. Yep, I’m a real kiss-target after dinner.

Stephanie was in town to see Dr. O for a hairline revision. She’d had FFS about a year ago. She looked pretty decent...not a supermodel, but definitely femme. We talked a little about Dr. O and she said I looked a lot like her before FFS, and was at the same age when she started transition. She was pretty surprised earlier in the day when I told her I was still pre transition...that I was waiting for the official legal protection of AB196 in January. She seemed to like my transition schedule for going full time in early 2004 combined with FFS. I told her I was also looking at straightening my hair and finally getting my ears pierced.

Stephanie kept flirting with our waiter, even though she knew he had a boyfriend. Amy and Stephanie also noticed that we had people on both sides staring at us. I guess I wasn’t really paying attention since I was having a good conversation with them. After one guy kept staring over a lot, she motioned for one of the guys at his table to lean forward while she said “We’re transsexuals...are you ok with that??” It wasn’t the best way to handle that situation, but they kinda stopped staring.

Since I was watching Boobers this weekend, I had to take off after dinner. It was nice meeting her, though. She said she would be at the Cocoon House, so I told her I would try to stop by again.

Money, money, money - take....uh

...dang, where did I leave off?

I applied online for the Capitol One credit card last week. I’ve received a bunch of their applications in the mail, but I had just been saving them up. After seeing the Dr. O quote, I really need to concentrate on the finances. I got a letter back from them this week which said they were reviewing my credit and would notify me soon, but that my address did not match at least one of the credit agencies they had used. They listed the phone numbers of the agencies they had used. I called two of them, but it was only automated systems, and there was no way I could simply talk with an agent to correct the address. In fact, when I looked them up on the web, basically the only way to make contact was to buy one of their stupid reports and then challenge it. There has got to be a way to correct it, but right now, I just haven’t been able to find it. I’ll try to contact the agencies again, but I might have to turn to my bank to see if they can pull up my credit history, especially since they rejected me for the bank loan.

Office comments.

Mark has been pretty quiet on the battlefield lately. I haven’t seen him that much, and I think the HR comments from the coworker really spooked him. As I told someone who IM’ed me about Mark, he’s not really that bad, and I kinda looked forward to his slight affirmations. Mark and I get along great, it’s just friendly teasing. The reason Mark has made some of these comments is because he was on a different part of our work campus for a number of months, and thus, when he returned, saw more of the change in me than the daily dose my coworkers get. He's also a very smart and observant person. I get ponytail comments from other people as well, mainly because my ponytail looks like a rat’s nest. My hair is so curly and frizzy, that it just doesn’t look that good in a ponytail on a guy’s head. It’s as simple as that. I’d like to get it thermally reconditioned, thus making it straight, but I’m afraid that would draw too much undue attention.

Robi and I ate lunch together, and somehow got on the topic of Mark. It’s funny....her diagnosis came out almost right on the money as to what I wrote earlier about him living vicariously through others. I chuckled as she gave me the prognosis. We also talked about another guy who is divorced and a little older. She says that she gets an “odor” of need and desperation from him, but that I don’t see it because I’m not a woman. I told her I could see some of it (hell, I was the one who brought his situation up...I think I smell part of it).

Well, the guy that we were talking about sits fairly close to me, so we have a few conversations here and there. We were on the topic of football, and that I like two teams that aren’t in the Bay Area. He says “You’ve probably got a pair of boxers with Green Bay on the back and St. Louis on the front.”

I responded by saying, “I don’t wear boxers...well, except for the one I sleep in. TMI, right?”

He counters with “Just don’t tell me you have a thong!”

Luckily there were cubicle walls between us because I had the biggest grin on my face.

Finally, I went to work yesterday thinking I was giving part of a presentation on Friday. It was, in fact, yesterday. So, I chatted with the main presenter as to whether I should go home and change. Our short conversation ended with him saying, “Well, it might be best so that when bonuses come around they’ll say ‘I remember that guy - he wore a nice plaid shirt’ “ with the best sarcasm he could muster.

He was amused by his own comments, so while I was walking away, I said “Oh, they’ll remember me” in my best foreshadowing voice.

That crazy mutt.

I came home tonite to find Boobers at the front door with a ball, and after dropping off the mail on the kitchen table, I spotted two bright yellow spots on the carpet. This wouldn’t be that bad since I would just have my roomie clean it up...but guess what....it’s just me and Boobers this weekend. Grrrrrrrr. Since the spots weren’t that big and there was a blade of grass in one of them, I figured it was bile. Nice. Those things were a bitch to get out. Scooby kept trying to give me a kiss while I was scrubbing. Although I appreciate the affection, I’m not really into dog slobbers on my face.

Positive Energy

I got a call yesterday from the facility manager where I participated in the play in May. He said that Ellen from the play had died of a massive stroke. She was my mirror image Cagelle during the opening number, with her and I basically doing the same thing, but on opposite sides of the stage. She was a sweet lady, and let us use her place to rehearse. She was also very accepting and quite open about everything. She asked me a bunch of questions about being transsexual because she was curious and she wanted to know. I think she had dealt or was dealing with a transgender youth in her job. When my mom was in town, she took her around the garden area in the back of her house and talked with her for a while. I told Ellen she reminded me so much of my aunts, and that she could almost pass for one of my mom’s sisters in more ways than one.

Later that night, I got a call from one of my other castmates from La Cage. He mentioned the service being held on Sunday and that he had talked to several of Ellen’s friends. He was asking everyone to come in drag because that’s what Ellen would have wanted, especially since she was so carefree, lovable, and just a little off her rocker in a good way. So, I’ll definitely go in girl mode, but I don’t really have anything in the drag sense from the show. I can add a little spark here and there with the makeup, but I’ll pretty much just go as myself. I think she would have liked it much better that way. She was one of a few that was very supportive with me during the play, especially the last night when I did the curtain call in girl mode, instead of boy mode as the directors asked. Her positive energy was so contagious. I’ll miss her.

Dreams

I woke up this morning at 5:30 from a dream that I had just had surgery with Dr. O. I spent some time with the uncomfortableness of the nurses around and all the things poking me. And there was a huge vein on my head that was all clogged up and I was trying to do something with it. Then I looked in the mirror at my face and some of it was bandaged and the neck area was all destroyed, but the jaw didn’t look swollen at all. Yeah, it’s just a dream. Paranoia and my brain thinking/worrying too much. That’s what I get for thinking about Dr. O as I went to sleep last night.

I went back to sleep and had another dream after that which I happened to remember. Some religious fanatic cult had broken into my grandmother’s home, wouldn’t leave, and had shot my cousin point blank right in front of me. I was trying to get them to leave the house, but the police wouldn’t help since they said the group had been invited in. One of the cops gave me a camera that shot bullets, though, and I tried to shoot the fanatics that had taken over the house. (A camera that shoots bullets...what the frell?) I think one of them shot back, but just barely grazed my hair. BUZZZZZZ...the alarm went off.

The nose knows best.

This past week at work I was thinking further about the Dr. O consult and the potential surgery. I remembered the nose packing thing...having the nose basically closed off for 5 complete days. OK, so I closed off my nose and tried taking a drink of water. I swallowed, the ears popped, I couldn't breathe, the brain went into panic mode, I stood up, and began walking (that's my usual automatic response when I'm freaked out...so, if you see me walking around with this clueless look on my face, just pay no attention to me). I called Courtney since I obviously couldn't talk to anyone at work about it. She laughed, so did I. I know it's whacked. I know it's just a blocked nose and I can still breathe...but dangit, it's just an autonomic response similar to claustrophobia that has been so difficult. I almost started crying realizing how hard it would be to get through 5 days of that stuff being up there. Hell, I can barely get through 5 minutes. I'm scared I wouldn't be able to have FFS because of this situation.

I read through some of Lynn Conway's experience on the matter, and she was able to make it through a dinner and a night's rest with a nose plug on before the surgery. I'll try that....but...it doesn't look promising.

I also posted this concern on an FFS board and they suggested straws. I tried that tonite, and whew....much better. It’s still going to take some getting used to though, but like another person mentioned on still another board...you’re body gets used to it while you are still waking up from surgery so it’s not that bad. I hope she’s right.

This past Friday, Brooke, Michelle (in boy mode), and I went out to dinner and a movie. We ate some sushi then watched Underworld on opening night. It was packed. Brooke and Michelle had a good conversation while we were out since they are in the same line of business. It was the first time they met one another, and it looked like they have a lot in common, including parts of transition.

I crashed at Brooke’s place that night, then we both did a little shopping the next morning. We both went mainly looking for a decent purse. Brooke was able to find one in Macy’s, but I couldn’t really find one I liked...although I found a decent one, so I know where one is if I can’t find any others. On the way out, I found some nice casual tops at the Gap, but found I was between a size 6 and 8 on some jeans I was looking at. I got the tops, left the bottoms.

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up some pasta, califlower, brocoli, and salad dressing to make a nice little pasta salad I saw my sister make earlier this year. I was headed to a pot-luck/meeting and that was the item I offered to bring along. I threw it together in the best proportions I could think, and put it in the fridge to chill...then off to get ready.

The meeting was with the TG Community Planning Committee. They’re a great group of people...usually T’s that have been through transition, but still work in the public outreach programs in San Francisco to some degree. We had a meeting to finalize the arrangements of next week’s Job Preparation Fair. After putting together most of the details, we relaxed in front of the TV and watched the movie “ma vie en rose.” I have the DVD, but I’ve never sat down and watched it. It’s a very beautiful and touching movie. I cried several times.

On the way home, I picked up an Oreo Cookie Shake at JITB. Yeah, I know...shame on me. Funny...I had one guy really staring me down as I was driving home and eating the shake. It’s almost kinda cool.

Today, I went for a run and crashed the rest of the afternoon. I need to pick up my apartment in a bad way.

Oh yeah, this past week at work, I had two female coworkers trying to set me up with a woman they know. They both thought the two of us would be ideal for one another. Now how am I supposed to handle that situation? They mentioned she lives about 30 miles from me, so I kinda mentioned the distance thing and left it open-ended. If they ask again, I’ll just tell them that I’ve had no success with any relationships that involved work and hope they can accept that. Otherwise, I’ll have to start the full on lying and tell them I have someone I am seeing or something. It’s not really what I want to do this close to transition, but I’ll do it if that’s what’s necessary.

Tonite, I talked to a T in Oregon who had called our TGSF hotline looking for information. We chatted for over an hour about transition and I tried to point her in the right direction. I hope she makes it.

Say, Mr. Flynn, you’re kinda cute.

One of the most annoying things on my journey so far is when a TS tells me she likes me as a guy, or finds me attractive as a guy. On Saturday, I went in boy/androgynous mode because of electrolysis. Rachel showed up late at the BBQ, and when the statement was made about me being in boy mode, she said I was cute as a guy. GGGGGRRRRRR!!!! I hate that. She’s not the first to tell me that. Well, to lighten the mood, I told her to give me a call after January (when she would be post-op).

When I was paying for my Dr. O office consult, the receptionist gave back my credit card and said I looked good in the picture on it. She asked if I really wanted to do this since I was quite photogenic (as a guy). GGGGRRRRRRR!!!! In reality, I think she was kinda coming on to me. Oh, she was cute, don’t get me wrong, but there were a few other things on my mind.

The lights went out in Georgia.

Last Friday, I was in the shower shaving my legs when the power went out. I was mostly through one leg and yet to even start the other. Well, since there is no window in my bathroom, it was entirely dark. Shaving with the lights on is hard enough, so I tossed in the towel and finished the shower with only one shaved leg. The power came back on about an hour later. Later at work, I was complaining to coworkers that the power went out in the middle of my shower leaving me in total darkness. My coworkers told me that shouldn’t have been a problem unless I was.....shaving. Hmmm...well, I thought for a second about saying I was shaving my legs, but why push it on them, right?

The good, the bad, and the ugly

...not necessarily in that order.

I woke up this morning and remembered a dream that I had had. (Isn’t it weird to be able to type the same two words in a row and still have it be proper English?...or is it?). Anyway, I was in an old house I lived in during high school and my dad was wearing retro 70’s stuff to work, but he appeared much younger, not quite 1970’s young though. Funny thing was, I realized it wasn’t my dad....well, it was my dad, but someone else was in my dad’s body. When confronted, he said he was actually my current boss’ boss. That was weird.

When I grabbed my phone this morning to put it in my pocket, I’d seen that Jamie had called while I was in the shower. I called him, but there was no answer. When I got to work he called me. I thought he was calling to talk football, as he had the day before, but this was different. There was a friend of ours named Mark that had developed Hodgkin’s Disease a few years ago, and Jamie called to tell me that he had died this past weekend. Mark was younger than me. I hadn’t seen him since I moved to California. I remember seeing him on my last day of work, a week before I moved away.

Mark and I were two of three coworkers that were sent to Japan in 1995. We were there for almost 3 weeks learning some new technology items we were beginning production on. I remember us taking the bullet train to Tokyo and finding some deeply missed cheeseburgers and milk shakes at the Hard Rock Cafe. We also went out to a park back near our hotel and found a field to throw around the football. We played soccer with some Japanese kids then tried to teach them how to play American Football. Yeah, you can call it Imperialism if you want to, but they seemed eager to see how to play it.

Mark and I also roadtripped to Dallas for a Texas Rangers-NY Yankee playoff game. We drove down to Little Rock on a Thursday evening, drove the rest of the way Friday morning, grabbed lunch, watched the game, then drove back to Missouri Friday night / Saturday morning. Jamie’s wedding was that Saturday and I was in the wedding party. I drove from about 11pm to 1am, then Mark drove from about 1-4am...me from 4-6am, Mark from 6-8, and then I drove the rest. I would wake up here and there during my naps and ask Mark how he was doing. He said he was staying awake...most of the time. We’d pull over about every rest stop and grab a Mountain Dew...back in my days of drinking caffeine.

Because I haven’t seen him in over 2 and a half years, his death seems distant to me. He’s been fighting it for a while, now, and as Jamie said, this was probably for the best. I’ll miss Mark. I never was able to talk to him after I came out to all of my former coworkers. I sent him an email, but he never responded. He might never have even seen the email, who knows.

Looking through my old journal to see where Mark and I traveled together, I ran across an entry where I went with my family to mark the 10th anniversary of my grandfather passing away. My dad had a hard time that day. One day, I’ll be the one having a hard time with his death, then a day sometime after that, perhaps someone else will have trouble with my death. Then after that, I will be nothing more than plant food with an engraved rock to mark my existence on Earth. I hate being so morbid. I’m about to cry just thinking about how our existence here is so non-consequential. Do we really matter...or is it as the song says....”life is but a dream?” I guess these thoughts just have to be a reminder to live each day to its fullest, but never let go of reality...well, unless you need to once in a while, just to get through those wacky dreams. So, Mark, wherever you are, there will always be a piece of you in me.

Sorry to make this entry so long, but today was filled with a lot of events. I only worked half a day today, then took off this afternoon to have my FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) consult with Dr. O.

First off, I visited the X-Ray Imaging facility in the Sunset District. I was early, filled out the paperwork, then sat down to read the book I had brought along. My name was called shortly by a woman named Sunny. It was foggy out, but she brightened my day. We did a series of X-rays, the last with me facing the wall where there was an X-ray of Homer Simpson’s head with a small brain. I’d been told it was there, and here I was seeing it in person.

“I’ve been told I need to put a crayon up his nose,” Sunny says to me. Being the Simpson’s fan I am, I told her she was correct.

We had to retake one X-ray since she said it came out a little dark, then they provided me with the X-rays to take with me. I took a look at them before I left their office. Yep, there it was, the frontal sinus cavity, although not quite as large as I had seen in other examples, but still, it was right there. I’ve got a pretty thick head in that section as well. I’m sure there are plenty of people nodding their head in agreement at this point.

I decided to just head over to the hospital and read my book while waiting. I arrived over 1.5 hours early. The receptionist walked me to the waiting room to fill out some initial paperwork and as we did, I spotted my friend Ally talking to Mira. I waved hello and we chatted for a while. Unfortunately, she’s having to go through some legal motions to salvage some of her life. Long story.

As I was filling out the paperwork, I noticed the blue pen they gave me to use. Then it clicked...this was the infamous Blue Dr. O Pen that everyone walks away with. When I finished the paperwork, I gave the clipboard and pen back to the receptionist, but she asked if I wanted to keep the pen as a souvenir. “You bet!!” I told her.

As I read my book, I heard Mira talking to Sarah on the phone...the same Sarah I had visited the day before. It sounded like she wasn’t having a good day. When I peeped around the corner to say something about Sarah, Mira introduced herself. It appeared Sarah had quit the painkillers cold turkey, and wasn’t feeling too good. Mira suggested that she only take half a pill for a while to wean herself off them slowly.

I read my book for a little while longer, then was escorted into Dr. O’s exam room. He's a pretty nice person and definitely listened to what I had to say. I talked to him about just doing moderation on my face, and he said I was one of three that brought that up. He said the three that mentioned it before all ended up wanting more in the end.

Let's see....I'll start at the top and work down. I have the Type III forehead (as most people do), but my front sinus cavity wasn't too bad. He said I had an 8cm forehead, and he wanted to take it down to a 5cm forehead for my height/weight. I’m 5’5” and 140lbs (165cm and about 64kgs). When I was sitting down with Mira after the consult, I asked her how high her forehead was, and she said 6.5cm. I thought the 5cm was way too low, especially since he said I had 8cm now (I never knew where exactly he measured from on the low end). My sister has a fairly high forehead as well, so I will probably try to negotiate with him on it down to about 6-6.5cm.

On the nose, he said he would have to go back a little into the nose, but not much, so the rhinoplasty would be minimal. He said my nose wasn't big, but that it had the typical male features. He did notice that it is a little wide as it approaches the eyes, which I already knew, but otherwise he didn't mention doing anything radical to the nose. Since I have a deviated septum, he said he would be able to fix that as well.

He mentioned shortening the upper lip about 2-3mm. The thing that scares me with this is the scar that sits right under the nose. Since he creates a slight up-turn with the nose, it sheds a little more light there for people to see the possible scar. Since I'm short, maybe that will be ok.

He liked my cheeks (Yeah!!! )

He said I have the typical male chin....right on the money, and he will adjust my jaw line. He said my jaw muscle was huge and asked if I ate walnuts with the shell on them. (Humor???)

Finally, he actually asked me if I wanted my Adam's Apple done or not. He said it didn't protrude that bad. I tilted my head all the way back, and he said it's only going to show when I do that.

I told him that I had some concerns. I was impressed with his work, and there were plenty of T's out there that looked great, but there were some that....just didn't look natural. Their proportions seemed out of whack....almost like too much had been done. I told him I wanted to look natural, not like a freak. I know he can't make me look like a supermodel, but I do want to look natural. He used what appears to be his classic line...that once he’s done with you, you'll be able to answer the door in the morning without makeup or the hair made up and still get ma'amed. But he’s right, that’s the goal....only I’m a perfectionist on some matters, especially my face.

The Bill:
Item Cost
Scalp Advancement--$3,500
Forehead III--$7,500
Nose / SMR--$6,500
Upper lip reduction--$2,000
Chin feminization / Jaw (something)--$9,500
Tracheal Shave--$2,000
Amenities--$8,970

Total--$39,970


Heart Attack - $10,000

So, for saying he liked some parts of my face and spending 10.5 hours to do it all, I still ended up with a very high bill. Fun.

Anyway, I didn't feel like he was a salesman at all. We did discuss some other aspects of the surgery, and at times I did step on toes a little, but he handled it very professionally. I spent about 40 minutes with him alone, and never made it to see slides with Mira, although I would really like to take a look at some of the faces that were similar to mine to start with. Maybe I'll have to stop by again and take a look...one of the advantages of being local.

Definitely have everything written down, including looking at the slides of other patients. I think he appreciates it when people do their homework before visiting him.

I headed over to the Cocoon House after the consult and said hi to Sarah. She still wasn’t in the best of moods. We chatted for a while, then she decided to take a nap, so I headed home. I ran tonite, then thought about heading over to Jack in the Box for a spicy chicken sandwich, but opted instead for an easy bowl of cereal. Maybe I’ll grab that sandwich tomorrow after dance class.

Hot tubs

Another busy weekend. They just seem to fly by. I had electrolysis as usual, then went to the grocery store to pick up some fresh fruit. I made a simple fruit salad for a TS BBQ then headed up to the East Bay, leaving a slice of watermelon for Susan and Brooke. The BBQ was nice....and warm. Whew, I’m not usually in the East Bay, but it can definitely get warm over there in the summer. I didn’t go in girl mode because of the electrolysis and since I hadn’t been home since the night before. Amy was there, and looking very nice. I met her last month in one of her first nights out. She does quite well, and has put together a nice look. We also chatted for a while with Danielle, a TS that transitioned around 10 years ago at the age of 18. She’s a special case, though, since she was insensitive to the effects of testosterone. She looks like a girl, and has a girl’s voice since the wicked stuff has never worked it’s horrid ways.

Some of the older TS took a dip in the hot tube. I had nightmares later that night. Actually, they do ok, not the best, but ok. There were way too many floral pattern bathing suits out there though. And, of course, some of the recent SRS girls were sure to show that they no longer had anything down there.

I just cruised home after the BBQ. I think the pain killers take a little out of me on the weekends. The brain is just tired and doesn’t really want to do much.

I’d talked to Brooke about heading up to San Francisco today to visit a girl at the Cocoon House who just had surgery last week. So, Brooke stopped by my place as I was finishing getting ready. We grabbed some ice cream as a snack to hold us over until Paloma met up with us later for a late lunch. I picked up a teddy bear and filled the car up with some gas before heading up there.

Sarah met us at the door. She was up and moving around, although still swollen and definitely tired of having to breathe through her mouth with the nose packing still there. Rachel was already there, and Tyler showed up later. Paloma stopped by around 3:30 and Rachel, Paloma, Brooke, and I grabbed some lunch at Pasta Pomadoro in Noe Valley. It’s a nice little neighborhood. San Francisco is totally cool with transsexuals it feels like. We didn’t have any trouble at all, and everyone was quite polite in the restaurant.

Tyler and Sarah were still chatting when we got back. We spent a few more hours visiting, then I told her I would see her again tomorrow. We chatted a lot about GenderPeace, since a lot of us had met one another through it.

Brooke and I drove back, then I showed her some of the online stuff we had all talked about. She also complimented me on my rounding of features in the past year. It’s nice to hear compliments on how I have changed. It’s hard to see the small changes since I see myself every day, but I can feel that my body has changed over the past year. Hopefully it still has a ways to go.

Library books

Last week, Robi and I were riding to a vendor with me driving. She pulls out this bottle of what looks like iodine, but instead it’s lip gloss. She says it works better than regular lipstick since it doesn’t cake up and get in the lines of the lips, further drying them out. The stuff she has kinda stains the lips and lasts much longer. She then says that I obviously don’t understand what she is talking about. Hah, shows you what she knows.

On our way back, I asked her what she was doing for this past weekend. She said she had her book club meeting discussing the book she had me drop off a few weeks back. Yep, the intersexed character one. I told her further how reading the inside cover gave Pete the heebie jeebies. She said she was actually the one that recommended the book to the club. Somehow she then brought up ‘gender identity’ which I was fairly impressed with. Most people are totally unaware of that phrase. I asked her if she had a personal experience with that situation, meaning ‘knew someone’ who had a gender identity conflict. She thought I was asking if she had a gender identity conflict, but I simply corrected her. She also mentioned that the character in the book did and said all the things to pretend to be a girl, but later figured out that he was really a man, and transitioned. I thought it was wild how she noticed that the character had to pretend to be someone that society thought he should be, but later he figured it all out. I hope she will be able to relate to my situation, and how I have ‘lied’ to them for the past couple of years. I did it to keep my job, while also providing them with the image and person they needed me to be. I know a lot of people feel betrayed after one comes out, simply because it feels like that person no longer knows who the transsexual really is. I know my coworkers have started to see the emergence of a more expressive side of me, but they just don’t see the girl yet. Soon enough. :)

Stick it out

This past weekend seemed like a blur. I did the usual electrolysis, shopped for some dance shoes (I couldn’t find any appropriate dance clothes...but they looked pretty cool...if I was a girl...but I still need to project androgynous for the class), then went up to a TG Planning Committee meeting in the city. They decided to have brunch right near the Castro, which in my case made finding parking a living nightmare. I just wore a T shirt up there, and Cecilia noticed my breasts. She says with a smile on her face, “It’s getting bigger.”

I responded with “It??” as though she was about to talk to the hand.

“Stick your chest out!” was her next response...which I willingly did. She turned to JoAnne and sighed “Our Kara is turning into a woman.”

Cecilia...she’s a riot.

I then went home and walked around doing some errands while talking to Courtney on the phone. On my way home, I picked up an Oreo Cookie Milkshake. Those things rock!

I got up early Sunday morning to catch the pregame show on Fox. They seem like the best bunch to watch. After watching a quarter of the Rams getting beat up by the Giants and feeling depressed, I went for a run. Later on, I headed down to the TGSF ExCom meeting. There were a lot of differences of opinions discussed on a variety of topics, and I had to voice mine on several issues....as usual. :)

Afterward, Susan, Brooke, Kelly, and I went for some pizza down the street. I decided to go to the meeting in girl mode, but I only had the hair up and put a little lip gloss on. So, the darkness in the goatee area was my unfortunate giveaway. Brooke went in boy mode, and Kelly was in androg. Susan was just herself. Yeah, we got a lot of strange looks from the guys behind the counter, but who cares. They were at least fairly polite. Susan and Kelly split some weird funky ass pizza, while Brooke and I split a half artichoke hearts and garlic, half pepperoni and onion. I totally love artichokes on pizza, and had never tried it until moving out to the Bay Area. I tried getting my family to try the artichokes when I was at home one time, but that didn’t go so well. It’s kinda funny....I can remember my parents paying my sister and I (especially my sister) to eat (or try to eat) new foods. They’d usually offer a quarter. Now, here I was offering my Dad a quarter if he would at least try the artichoke hearts on a pizza. My Mom was at least willing to try it.

Roomie

It was just me and Boobers this weekend. Yep, I was taking care of the dog again. My roomie moved to San Diego this weekend as she is heading back to school to work on her graduate degree. She took a chance on me by deciding to room with me in May last year. She had over 30 responses to her post on Craigs List looking for a roommate. She said she picked me since I was very honest in my letter to her. I told her about me being transgender and everything. She’s been great. It’s just me and her boyfriend until March. OK, now, don’t get any perverted thoughts. He still calls me “dude”, OK? Actually, she’ll be back quite often since he’s still my roomie and the airfare to San Diego isn’t that bad.

Speaking of flying, I just read a TS posting on Yahoo that Homeland Security had issued a warning:

The Department of Homeland Security warned Thursday that al-Qaida might launch attacks in the United States using tactics not employed here in the past, such as car bombs, men dressed as women to avoid scrutiny, and hijacking airliners in Mexico or Canada so they can be flown here to be slammed into American targets.

Great. I’m flying back to the Midwest next month and I’ll be doing it in girl mode, well, because, I need the practice in preparation for Full Time...and I like being me. My parents have admitted to me before that they were always worried about me being harassed since I had really dark facial hair, and might be seen as a terrorist. Now they have different reasons to worry, huh?

Thoughts

Today was different. I woke up this morning and went for the usual shower right out of bed when thoughts ran through my head. “What am I doing?” “Is this for me?” Those thoughts are horrible, but there they were. I’m a thinker...always have been. Sometimes I think way too much.

I know where my heart is, but sometimes the path ahead just doesn’t look that good. All I can see is this huge cliff, but I can’t see over it and I don’t know if the path goes down safely or if it just stops at the edge. I know that the road I was once on was not the road for me, but this one is very hard, and there’s not much roadside assistance out there. The good thing, though, is that the girls that have already taken this road before have cell phones and can guide me down the cliff to safety. I just hope the batteries stay charged.

I visited my therapist today. I usually take in a list of things to talk about...a list I work on over the previous month. This time, I kinda forgot to put one together, especially with the three day weekend right before it. So, I arrived a little early and threw one together pretty fast. I usually have more than an hours worth of topics, and this time was no different. As we neared the end, I still had 2 topics left, one of which was the 2 previous paragraphs. She said that conversation was a whole session in itself but summarized it by saying it was ok to have reflective thoughts and doubts. She enlightened me on a little more of her philosophy on TS that have the same thoughts I have, and those that don’t have any of those thoughts.

We also talked a little about SRS and having her write up a pre-approval letter so that I can work on scheduling. It appears the waiting time has gone down extremely, so hopefully I’ll easily be able to schedule SRS for early 2005. She also mentioned that skin grafts are extremely likely. Well, that sucks. I was really hoping I had enough penile and scrotal skin to form a vagina with sufficient depth and an appealing exterior. Damn.

I had talked to Susan about depth of vagina this past weekend. She said take the length of the penis and subtract 2”. She then said to add 2” based on the skin from around the testicles. Then subtract 1” due to shrinkage once post-op. According to my calculations, that would leave me with a vagina almost 5” deep....which is just shy of the average American male penis length. We’ll have to see what the SRS surgeons say whenever I get around to having a consultation.

I cruised to dance class after therapy. The girls in this class have incredible bodies, and some move with such grace. I’m a slow learner with some of these moves, but I’m trying. With athletics, I’m usually all about straight lines or fast cuts. With dancing, you have to learn how to move specifically. So, with athletics, timing is determined by the actions, but with dancing, the actions are all determined by the timing. I’m catching on, but it just takes time. Tonite at home, I did try on some pants similar to dance pants, and wow....I was kinda amazed. The hips are starting to fill out. I’d like to buy some nice girlie dance clothes, but I don’t know if it’s worth the risk quite yet. I wonder if I can find some androgynous ones. I hope so.