Mother's Day

I called my mom this afternoon to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. She’s the best. I sent her some flowers, a card, and a framed picture of the two of us at the Cotillion when she visited in January. She’s always been there for me. I guess you could say I’ve been really lucky to have her. I wish all moms were like her.

On the down side, sometimes I wonder if all of this is worth it. Is the pain I was feeling before tackling transition any worse than the pain I feel now with society, old friends and family who have difficulty even talking to me, and my own internal pain knowing that I will never have a fairly normal life. I was looking around a website this morning that talked about those that have de-transitioned and why they did it. They said there were two main groups that de-transitioned…a younger group that went back to being a man for financial reasons and an older group that went back to living as a man because they were never physically able to get where they needed to be. It didn’t give a percentage of those that did de-transition, but I will bet that it’s fairly small. I have my finances in pretty good order so I don’t see that as a problem and I have a grasp on my physical condition, although I do have a few areas which I wish were responding a lot better to the hormones. I’m 33, though, and can only expect so much. I don’t plan on de-transitioning, but I like to look at what has affected others to ensure that I am always making the right decision. I listened early on to those that said, “If you can live without having to transition, do it, because transitioning totally sucks.” They’re right, but it can also lead to a very fulfilling life for those who were pretending to live a life that wasn’t them. I couldn't live as a man, but I think I am doing pretty good now. I know that people who knew me as a guy will always have trouble not seeing him, but I think I am giving them a run for their money. I’m trying as hard as I can for them to see the true me, even though she still needs a lot of help in the fashion, makeup, and general overall situation. I figure I will gain a lot of that in time.

I have a lot of friends that are TS and going through roughly some of the same stages of transition that I am going through now. I saw one of them get some advice from a previous survivor of GID that it’s good to start to meld back into regular society…to lead a new life without other TS around…and to basically move on...living as a regular woman. Yeah, that advice is all fine and dandy, but I like my TS friends. They are good people, and I could care less if my regular friends meet them or not. Perhaps I am unique in that I care more about my friends that worrying about how others are going to react to them being unique. I mean, if one day I do find a man or woman to have a serious relationship with, I will obviously tell them my past. Because they probably won’t have known me before my transition, then they will only be able to see me as Kara even if shown my old self. It’s that whole first impression thing. Anyway, I tend to be one of those that is fairly truthful. People seem to respect that. Currently, I don’t mind people knowing I am TS, although I don’t run around shouting it out all of the time. I don’t know if I would want to be around people who aren’t cool with it. But what happens if I do move on with my life to a point where I have no close TS friends and no one around me knows of my past. Would I try to live this new life in the closet when I already spent so much time and effort to climb out of the last one? I don’t know. Perhaps I just need more experience under my belt, but hopefully I will always be able to say that I am who I am, and if people don’t like that, they can go elsewhere, because I need to be me.