I was out shopping with Kathy and Minka tonight looking for some new boots. We started out in Bloomingdales, down to Macy’s, then over to Nordstrom’s. I found a nice pair in Macy’s for a decent price, but the 10 was a little big, and the 9 was too tight. I need a 9 1/2, which they didn’t have. They provided a list of places that did, though, so I’ll pick them out sometime this week.
As we were shopping around, I looked at all the beautiful spring clothes that are out right now. I saw these cute sweater-shirt combos in the window at Nordstrom, and we went upstairs to the Junior’s section to take a closer look. Once there, I tried on an XL and from the looks on Minka and Kathy’s faces, I could tell it was too tight. Talk about depressing. I’m 5’5” and can barely fit in an XL in Junior’s without it looking all stretched out. I see all these cute little outfits and I realize I can’t wear most of them. I can just dream that they fit.
I wear a 36 band size on my bra, and after talking to Courtney and Brooke lately, both of whom are 9 inches taller than me and about 25 pounds heavier, are both wearing 34 size bras. I don’t know if it’s just that they have both lost more muscle over time (3 years of HRT for Court, 3 months for Brooke who starved off some of her muscle), or if being taller just stretched them out a little more, or what. It’s still kinda depressing.
But, really, I’m not that bad. I’ve been on a diet the past week, trying to trim down for the Cotillion. Tonight, I obviously said that a few too many times as Kathy was about ready to bop me upside the head after saying it for the upteenth time. I did pig out a little by chowing down half of my favorite, Capellini Pomodoro, and indulging in the bread with spicy olive oil vinaigrette. Lately, it’s been a nightmare of salads and veggies. Yes, I miss my comfort foods, but I guess I can manage all for the name of vanity in a little over a week.
My diet goal? I’m trying to get from about 142 down to the low 130’s. Sure, most of my body weight is muscle, something that will probably go down in time, but having a hard time doing it now it seems. I’ve heard from other TS that the muscle really tends to decrease after SRS, so hopefully that will be the case. For my height, 125-130 pounds would be nice for my level of activity, a weight I will hopefully be able to maintain at some point including being able to eat my comfort food on occasion.
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The past two nights I’ve woken up around 2-3am with some type of anxieties. I can’t actually remember what they were, but I’ve had similar feelings at night before. I usually just have to calm myself down and tell myself that I’m just in bed, with sheets and covers just trying to get some sleep. It’s weird having those while I am sleeping, and they just seem to interrupt the sleep cycle so bad. They’re almost like the walking dead states I was in during college when I would stay up until about 3am, then get up at 6am to study a little more before taking an exam. Yep, I waited until the last minute to do a lot of my studying, except for a few classes, and looking back, I probably could have gone to bed at midnight, gotten a good night’s sleep, and still done just as well on the test. But it’s all in the past, and right now it really doesn’t matter.
Speaking of nightmares, it’s been a paperwork nightmare lately. Taxes loom on the near horizon, along with short-term disability forms, state disability forms, name change court filings, DMV filings, Social Security filings, and Dr. O surgery prep papers I still need to read, on top of dealing with an FDA paperwork nightmare on my current project. Ooof! Stop killing trees people!!!
Oh, speaking of the DMV and nightmares, I stopped by the local office at lunch today. I was in search of the gender change form, and when I arrived, all of the lines were as long as hell. So I walk up to the security guard and ask him if he knows if they have a general form area. He asks what form and I say "gender change." He asks, "Address Change?" and not wanting to disrupt his 80 point IQ, I say "yes." He points me to a general area. I look around for a form rack, but could only find a few forms scattered on one little table. So, I return to the guard and inquire about a "name change form," but he gets into all this mumbo jumbo about a name change and that it doesn't need a special form or something. I tell him I need a specific form, and it's personal. He then tells me to go to the information line, which from the looks of it, probably thinned down about 3 hours after they closed. Luckily, I found the form online. I truly think DMV is as close to hell as you can possibly get.
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