Expectations

I hope this weather is no indication of the new year. It seems like it’s been raining non-stop since I went to bed at 2:33am.

I spent last night with some friends...who still basically only know me as a guy, except for Kathy. We caught dinner and a movie, Big Fish, making it a fairly light New Year’s Eve. I didn’t mind. I had electrolysis yesterday, later today, tomorrow, and Saturday, so I have been in boy-mode since Monday to allow for all of the facial hair to grow out. Thus, I spent yet another New Year’s Eve in boy mode. Last one. Promise.

We caught dessert in one of the restaurants. I had a huge piece of Chocolate Tuxedo Cream Cheesecake. Yum. Hmm...well, that went straight to my ass. Oh well, I’ll have to run that off today...in the rain.

The movie, Big Fish, had a nice little story about a father who told tall tales. Those tales were, however, based on real life events, but they were just the extravagant versions. In the end, the father became immortal in the eyes of his son by becoming his own big fish...his own tall tale. I was crying pretty good the last 10 minutes of the movie, as I knew I would after seeing much of the plot during the first part of it.

The tale kinda reminded me of the conversation I had with my own father. We all want to live forever, don’t we? Isn’t that one of the reasons we have children? I think I wrote about this recently as well. We live on in others. My dad is concerned that the family name stops with my sister and I, even though he knows that the the line continues in my sister’s son. I worried about that initially, but once I realized that my future living as a man trying to have a wife and kids would lead to a failed relationship and children with separated parents, I knew that it would be best not to even attempt that journey. As I told him, what's it really going to matter once we're all gone?

So many T’s try living as a man, marrying, and having children only to see the GID hit them so hard later on that they still transition. At that point, most lose their wives and children. It’s a harsh situation. I’m happy so far along my journey, and I will never create that heartache and despair with my own attempt at a family with me as the male figure. Don’t get me wrong here, the T’s that do marry only to transition later are trying to live up to society’s idea of a man. You have to give it to them that they are at least trying. But, for me, I saw my future. Transition was imminent. I couldn’t run from it. I’m not that fast.

It’s still raining out. Where’s my umbrella?