Labiaplasty

This past Wednesday was the day of my surgery. After we had checked out of the hotel, E and I were both picked up and transported over to Greenbaum. I arrived about 2 hours before surgery, and although they already had me destined for Room 11 later that day, we left our bags in Blair’s room since they would be unattended in my future room.

I returned to the downstairs area and started the check-in procedure. I filled out the general paperwork in the lobby and then conversed with the admission’s person. After that, I was taken back into their little pre-staging rooms where my vitals were taken and I changed into my gown and booties for surgery. The nurse also gave me three pills (no, they weren't pink or blue, didn't allow me to exit the Matrix, nor did I see any rabbits), one of which was valium. Next up, they moved me to the gurney in Bay 11 where they would perform the final prep before surgery.

One of the last steps is to place an IV in my arm. The last time they rushed me through pre-op for SRS, the nurse missed on the first attempt. I have noticed over the past few years that the hormones have definitely softened me. My veins no longer protrude like they did before. When I’ve had blood drawn for testing, they’ve missed once or twice over the years. Nowadays, I typically ask the person how good they are at either drawing blood or putting in the IV just to get a feel for their own confidence.

There is one guy at my HMO that is great at drawing blood. He puts the needle in with both force and grace, never once missing. I’ve had a woman that has missed twice, and I could tell right away that she lacked confidence in what she was doing. I ended up with a rather large bruise due to her.

So, when I asked how good my nurse was at putting in IV’s, she responded with “Oh yeah, I’m really good at it”....but she didn’t seem so confident.

“The last time I was here, they missed on the first attempt. The person that was supposed to go before me had to be moved to the main hospital that afternoon and they did a rush job on getting me into surgery that morning.” I could swear that I heard her say, “Oh yeah, I remember you” which really made me think that she might have been the one who jabbed me the first time around.

So, she started on my left arm by applying the tourniquet and searching for a good vein. She noticed the one near the inside of my elbow, but she said that it would make my arm less mobile. She then moved down my arm and looked over the veins around my wrist and hand. She decided to go for the one in my hand, wiped it clean, and then tried to insert the needle. It only went about half way before she stopped. She thought about trying to wiggle it around, but since she had already hyped herself up, she kinda just stalled on what to do. Eventually, after jabbing it around in my hand a little, she pulled it out and placed gauze and tape over my now fresh wound.

She looked at my right hand and thought there might be some veins there, so we did the same thing with the tourniquet, wiping, and insertion of the needle. This time, she again made it halfway in before stalling. She says, “You’ve got a lot of valves here, but I’m going to try inserting the IV anyway.” She did. Well, she tried at least. I start seeing my skin bulge up as the liquid just flowed into the skin and not the vein. She notices this and immediately pulls it out and places more gauze and tape over my second fresh wound.

I’m usually an easy going person, but this was starting to annoy me, especially since she had hyped herself up as much as she did. I look over at the desk where the nurses’ station is located and I see this woman in scrubs who kinda gives me this ‘I’m so sorry look’ as she sees both of my hands bandaged up.

My nurse then decides to go back to my left arm, in the soft area on the inside of the elbow. This is the region where blood is normally drawn, but it makes the arm less mobile for the time the IV is in it. She applies the tourniquet again, but from what I had noticed before, she never got it that tight. She was also wearing gloves that were at least a size too big, which probably prevented her from doing a great job with any finesse. So, I finally perk up and say, “Get that thing really tight and my veins will really pop out.”

She tries to get it tight, but is still fiddling with the oversized gloves. She finally gives up and pulls the gloves off. Now that she is glove-less, she once again ties the tourniquet around my arm...a little tighter than before. She then put her gloves on again and finally inserted the IV into my left arm. I was about ready to jump up and cheer that she finally got it in.

Anyway, if anyone reads this and is headed to Greenbaum for surgery, her name is Karen and I wish you better luck with her than I had. She was 2 for 5 with me. Just for reference, I had no IV issues with the people at Davies in San Francisco when I had my two FFS related surgeries there.

OK, so on to better things. After I was all set up, E came back to sit with me before I was taken back to surgery. We kidded around a bit about the valium, my favorite IV nurse, how I was definitely going to milk my recovery with the two flesh wounds, and how E was going to hook me up to all of the equipment and shock me. Evelyn stopped by and said she would be the nurse monitoring my sedation. I remembered her from last time. She said she would be watching my vitals as well as my facial expressions during surgery. She seemed really cool.

Michael, Dr. Meltzer’s assistant also stopped by briefly to introduce himself and to inform me that Dr. Meltzer would be there shortly.

When Dr. Meltzer did show up just after 1pm, I started out by asking two final questions. Unfortunately, the valium was working pretty good by then and I don’t remember the first question. The second question was ‘How soon can I start having sex again?’ E says that Dr. Meltzer kinda chuckled when I asked this but told me I could resume sexual intercourse in a month.

After the questions, Dr. Meltzer had me stand up so that he could draw on my stomach in the areas he would remove my body fat via liposuction. He drew rounded rectangles of different shapes on both sides of my waist.

Now you have to remember that the valium has really kicked in by now and I am a pretty relaxed person. Dr. Meltzer usually dresses very professionally, and by this, I mean that he is usually wearing a suit and tie. The only time he isn’t is when he is cycling or has cycled to Greenbaum to check in on everyone and has changed into scrubs. While he was drawing on me, I noticed his very sharp tie and the colors in his shirt’s fabric. They matched very well, and if I remember correctly, he wore a very deep blue tie with a shirt that had fine blue and white stripes, all underneath a dark suit with very fine pin stripes.

Of course, the valium (at least that’s the excuse I will be using) allowed me to say out loud, “You look very sharp. Your tie matches very well with your shirt.” Dr. Meltzer thanked me for my compliments then semi-surprised me by saying that he sold clothing in college.

After drawing lines on my waist, he had me sit down so that he could draw lines on my face in the areas where he would be transferring fat into my nasolabial folds. E tells me that after he was done and had taken off his gloves, I smiled and he noticed some other lines that formed on my face...at which time he drew a few more lines in some lower areas.

Now that I was fully ready for surgery, E and I hugged. E told me that E loved me, and I became emotional...almost crying...before telling E that I loved E, too. I’d left E another note in the pocket of my jeans...just in case...but as one can tell, I made it through surgery with no problem.

I was loaded onto the gurney and then wheeled off to the OR. I do remember actually making it there and doing a little more maneuvering, but most of my memory of that time is very foggy.

The next thing I remember is hearing a female voice, “Kara, the surgery is over.” I also remember that my arms were straight out to my sides and were restrained at the wrist. The worst part is that I felt super cold and started shivering uncontrollably. After that, I only remember bits and pieces from later that night.

After I arrived in my room for the night, E says that I spent a lot of time either asking the different nurses their names or trying to remember their names. I was definitely out of it. E also said that Dr. Meltzer had come up after surgery and said the normal stuff...that surgery went well and that he removed about 650cc of fat from my waist...a surprising amount considering my size.

Some of my more vivid memories are of dinner. They brought the slip of paper around for me to pick what I would like, and I picked items that were very easy on my stomach. I also asked if they could give E a dinner slip as well.

Anyway, I ate some vanilla flavored yogurt, some fresh fruit, milk, and two servings of ice cream. Luckily, the food preparation person remembered me from last time, as well as my fondness for ice cream, which is likely why I ended up with two servings. At this particular time, I felt very alert and remember things quite vividly.

I milked my IV battle wounds for more ice cream later on that night.

I’d also had visitors that evening, including Blair who rerouted her dinner down to my room, E, and Lisa, a T-friend from the Bay Area who’d arranged a consult with Dr. Meltzer for that morning.

E and Blair, though, had conspired to have a little fun with me that evening while I was in and out of consciousness. I brought along my stuffed bear, Stuffed, who unfortunately ended up as one of their main props that evening.

I didn’t really feel any discomfort that entire evening (that I was conscious of), probably from having the residual pain killers pumped into my body during surgery. It also probably helped that I didn’t have full sensation in my vagina yet. In between nurse visits to check my vitals, I seemed to sleep fairly well. E spent the night in the fold out chair in the room, but probably got less sleep than I due to the interruptions.

What did you have done?

I talked the recovering Blair into taking a lap around the Greenbaum ward after dinner. As we exited her room, I see this woman with sun glasses ahead of us just standing there. She looks star struck, and if anyone could look like a model rubbernecker, I’m sure they would look just like her.

I made it past her, but the waddling Blair in her Dr. Meltzer provided robe caught her eye.

“Hi. What did you have done?”

Blair pointed at her groin and said, “Downstairs.”

“I know, but what did you have done?” she asked again, thinking that Blair was telling her that she had surgery downstairs at Greenbaum.

“Oohhh......v a g i n o p l a s t y,” responded Blair.

“Oh, I hear more women are having that done...it’s a new procedure” in reference to an article out about more women having their labia reduced in a procedure known as labiaplasty, and not vaginoplasty.

“Uhhh...it’s been around for awhile,” Blair corrected her.

“So, you didn’t like the shape of it?” the woman asks.

“Yeaahhhh...pretty much,” Blair said with a slight smirk on her face and an additional eye roll for added effect .

We all kinda chuckled afterward.

Independence Day....The Sequel

I’m back in Scottsdale, Arizona, for more surgery. Last year, I was here with Amber for her SRS. This time, I’m here for labiaplasty and a little body contouring around the waist. The labiaplasty is to further define the labia and to hood the clitoris while the body contouring is ultrasonic assisted liposuction to give the waist a more feminine appearance. If I can, I'm also going to see if he will place some of that extra fat in my nasolabial folds.

Since today is a holiday, Dr. Meltzer’s office is closed, but since he has surgery all day tomorrow, he’s holding pre-op appointments today for surgeries tomorrow and Wednesday.

E (who’s along to help me during recovery) and I were picked up at the hotel and transported to his office, where we waited for a few minutes before being escorted to an exam room. I went over some of the basics with Janet, Dr. Metlzer’s nurse, before asking some of my questions. When Dr. Meltzer came in (he’d ridden his bike to the office in the heat....although I had already run 4 miles that morning), we went over all of my questions and concerns:

I don’t seem to have much sensation in my vagina:

None of the major nerves were cut, so you should regain full sensation with time.

I pulled out several ‘dissolvable’ sutures and can feel more in there. Will more be used?

Sometimes the dissolvable sutures take several months to be absorbed. Dissolvable sutures will be used during the labiaplasty, so you will not need to have any sutures removed at a later date.

When should I resume my dilation schedule, and how often should I dilate?
You should resume dilating about 3-5 days after surgery....probably this Saturday. Start with the smaller dilators and continue with your current schedule.

How soon can I start running again?
You can resume brisk walking in a week, running in two weeks. There are no restrictions after 2 weeks.

My mons area is still swollen similar to Amber’s.
Some people have that, some don’t. We’ll lipo that area at the same time that we lipo your waist.

My urethra is very small causing urination to take forever.
I’ll open that up a little today (which he did with a hemistat) and take care of that during surgery.

My urine stream is also angled up fairly high.
I’ll also take care of that in surgery.

I had an orgasm and excreted fluid that wasn’t urine. Any idea what it might be?
It was probably seminal and prostatic fluid. The source of the fluid will probably dry up in time.

I prefer a labial shape that isn’t too big.
We looked at the porn magazine that I brought along again. He said that the one I liked was a reasonable possibility.

I have cleared skin above the clitoris that is outside his 1cm preference.
He said he could remove the skin, but I told him that I kinda liked that skin and preferred to keep it even though it meant I would have hairless skin above my hooded clitoris. In the porn magazine, there was one picture that had a hairless area above the clitoris that Dr. Meltzer pointed out. Dr. Meltzer also mentioned that I could have hair transplanted there if I didn't have any regrowth. He suggested not having hair transplanted from the back of my head though, as the hair there would be of a different texture and would grow to slightly different lengths. (We all kinda chuckled.)

Concerning body contouring:

Do you recommend massages of some sort afterward?

You could have topical ultrasound 3 days a week for 2 weeks, or 2 massages a week for 2-3 weeks out.

What type of scars and bruising should I expect?
You’ll have two incisions for the entry areas, but you probably won’t have much bruising for the lipo.

What should I do if folds appear in the lipo’d area?

They probably won’t based on your physique since you are fairly lean.

Dr. Meltzer said I would have to wear the girdle devices for 2 weeks. The band around my waist should be worn for 2-3 days and then the longer girdle should be worn for the remaining time.

He also said that he would be able to place a little of my body fat into my laugh lines (nasolabial folds).

A day and a half at home

E and I flew in on Friday evening, chatted with those staying at my parent's house, attended a family gathering Saturday afternoon, and chatted over breakfast this morning before flying out around noon. When I woke up yesterday morning, my dad informed me that I had a flat tire and he'd spotted the nail in it.

I dropped the car off at Wal-mart to have the tire repaired while I talked E into buying a swimsuit in order to join me in the pool at my aunt's house. The water at my aunt's house was warm, almost too warm for the hot muggy weather...but it still felt nice. It's the first time I have swam in about 2 years, and the first time post-op.

When I still had the equipment, getting into cold water was a chore. There were two methods...either jump in or go in slowly because Junior and the boys definitely did not like the cold. I wondered how it would go now that they were gone, but since the water was fairly warm, this wasn't really an issue...plus, I just jumped in anyway. I couldn't talk E into the water, but I did splash around with a few of my extended family.

When E wasn't around, my uncle asked, "So... who is E?"

I told him that E was my eFriend.

E has never dated a T before, so this is the first time for E. Everyone in my family obviously knows that I am T, and they obviously found out over the weekend that E and I are dating. They seemed to take things fairly well...and were simply happy that I was finally dating. I know it was a lot better having E around since I finally had someone to do stuff with.

After the big meal and picking up the repaired car, we headed back to my parents. I finally got E in the water for a late night swim. The water was a bit cold, but I didn't test out the slow entry method, and simply jumped in again. Actually, it didn't feel that bad down below, so perhaps that is another positive aspect of having it gone. At least I hopefully don't have to worry about shrinkage now.

Stress

E and I are on a flight into the hot and humid Midwest. My family is having their annual family reunion and both of us are popping in for a short stay. We fly out to even hotter weather in Arizona on Sunday. Yup, I'm headed back to Scottsdale for round 2. I have labiaplasty on July 6th...the same day Amber had her initial SRS last year. I was initially scheduled for June 20th, but with Blair getting a date on the 29th of June, I was able to get the July 6th one without too much trouble. That will give us a few days to hang out in the hot desert heat while we're both there for surgery. E is just along for support, but also gets to hang out with me while I visit with the family.

The past month or two have been fairly hectic, though. It's nice to finally be on 'vacation', even if it does involve surgery. It feels like I've been swamped at work lately, but I was able to get most of my current projects either finished, or to a point where I was waiting on other things to happen before I moved forward. We've also had rumors of layoffs circulating the office for quite some time, and due to some demographic analysis problem, they didn't implement said layoffs until just recently. This was the third layoff I've been through at my current company. Most of the time, they have called these layoffs 'cutting the fat' that was left over from the biotech boom. Well, the good news is that I still have a job, but since someone in our group was laid off, I'll now probably have more duties.

So, for the past month or so, my left eye lid has been twitching on and off. It's happened in the past. Usually I attributed it to stress and possibly being dehydrated...but it's probably due mainly to the stress. Now that I wrapped up most of my work and we're past the layoffs, hopefully it will stop twitching. If it's related to the upcoming surgery, then I still have about a week before it will hopefully stop.

300

It's a perfect score in bowling, but for me, it's the number of times that I have dilated in basically the past 4 months. I spent the first month dilating 4 times a day, then went to twice a day for three months. I think I missed one of the 4 times when I flew back to California, and I've missed a handful of the twice-a-day's as well. I've dilated every morning, though, but missed a few late night ones when I had been out too late (or was too lazy).

Three hundred times in four months. Using at least 20 minutes per dilation, plus at least 10 minutes for set up and clean up, that's 9000 minutes or 150 hours....over 6 days. I typically dilate at least 30 minutes, which would be 12,000 minutes....or 200 hours...or over 8 days. That's a lot of time.

The problem with dilating taking up so much time, though, is that it has totally shrunken my day. Instead of a 24 hour day, I now have a 22-23 hour day, which actually makes things a little tougher getting everything done around the apartment...including writing in here.

Drag Queens

Ya gotta love them. They're a mixture of the outrageous and the flamboyant mixed in with femininity, yet gay beyond belief. Some are angry, some are sexy, some are just way over the top (well, relatively speaking, that is) some are fat, some are really tall, but not many are short. I guess I've never really seen many short ones. I wonder why that is.

Anyway, today I was a drag queen. TGSF had a float design that was going to portray Stonewall and family values. The front end of the float would have a bunch of drag queens dancing around a Stonewall set with the back having a house and white picket fence setting. In between both sets, there would be a model of the Golden Gate Bridge and a rainbow to 'bridge the gap' from Stonewall to Family Values. The people who built the float did an excellent job both in the design and the construction....enough so that the organization was awarded a vehicle to pull it and a prime spot up front.

I portrayed a drag queen over two years ago when I did nine performances of La Cage Aux Folles in a community production. The costumes were so over the top and our makeup was quite outrageous. I didn't feel like going that 'all out', but I was able to dig up a few items from previous costumes and stuff I bought when I was still dealing with some of the GID aspects before transition.

Instead of wearing my own hair, I decided to wear this ugly blonde wig that I had initially started out with so long ago. I made small little pigtails and looped them up, bobby-pinning them back to the wig. For the rest of the outfit, I decided to go mainly black since that was one of the colors that I had a lot of. This included a black corset, my black boy shorts that I wore at the Cotillion, shiny black thigh high boots, and black spider web gloves. On my BART ride into the city, I applied some drag makeup. I got a few looks on the way there.

When I arrived at the float location, there were numerous people that simply did not recognize me. I guess I looked more like a DQ/TV than anything. Actually, that's kinda what I was going for.

Anyway, I had a fun time up front on the float. They had some oldies music playing on our float and, when I could, I'd dance to the rhythm. I went over the top here and there, just to give them a good show and to play the part of an angry drag queen.

Near the end, my wig started coming off, so I just pulled it the rest of the way off and let my hair flow free. I probably didn't look as much like a drag queen at that point. Our time on the parade route ended and I started slipping back into the regular clothes that I had...first removing the boots and putting my sandals on. At the Day of Remembrance booth, I changed into a black T-shirt and slid some jeans over the boy shorts. I finished it off by wiping all of the drag makeup off my face.

A few people who knew me before, saw me in drag, and then saw me after I wiped everything off said they liked me back the normal way. So did I.

After that, I simply worked the rest of the afternoon at the Day of Remembrance booth with Gwen Smith and her wife, Bon. It was a nice relaxing afternoon. Although it wasn't that exciting, at least it wasn't a drag.
   
       

T-dar

As I approached the Trans March area in Dolores Park, I spotted her walking toward me from a distance. She was T. I could just tell. It’s what many of us call T-dar. I don’t know if it’s the physical aspect of the smaller hips, the wider shoulders, the taller stature, the manly walk, the masculine face...or what...but there is typically something that gives all of us away...to some degree or another...only if you have the right eye to spot all of it, of course.

A few weeks ago I visited my therapist for a little session. I like to show up a little early just to see who leaves before me, as well as see who is there after me. I’m curious, OK?

I saw the one T leave before me, went to my session, then saw the T after me as she was sitting in the waiting lounge. I took the elevator down, then exited to my right. As I did, I saw a person presenting as neither male nor female. I could tell she was most likely T. I found it amazing to see another T there since I’d already seen the ones before and after me, and there was only one therapist handling T patients. I exited the building and headed for my car. As I walked toward the parking lot I saw a woman walking toward me. As soon as I spotted her, I knew she was T. I looked for the trachea as we approached one another, but didn’t see it. I thought to myself, “Good for her. She obviously saw a good surgeon.”

OK, people are probably thinking to themselves that Kara is too obsessed with thinking every woman out there is a T. I usually don’t, but these two majorly set off the T-dar.

How do I know they were T? Well, as soon as I walked past the second one, I heard, “Kara?”

She was a friend I had met once before and exchanged numerous emails with. She’d also had surgery with Dr. O so I wasn’t really able to recognize her. We chatted for a few minutes, then she told me she was meeting two friends there. I told her that I’d probably seen both of them...the one in therapy, and the one outside the elevator. I walked back in with her and met the one I had passed in the lobby. I’d actually exchanged emails with her, too, but I didn’t know what she looked like. Ironically, we both lived in the same spot as children...before my family moved on to the next military installation, that is.

Small world....small world.

Dream

The dream started out quite plain. I was in the manufacturing plant of the company I used to work for. I was trying to improve a process that was not producing quality parts, but I was also working with a coworker. The identity of the coworker did not really enter the dream.

The process improvements led us back to the office to review specifications. I searched through some of the relevant information, and then stared at the lone coworker sitting in one of the desks. He didn't move. At first, I didn't recognize him.

Usually in my dreams, I do not know that I am dreaming. I don't think many people do, and if they do, it's not a regular occurrence. I think it might have happened to me once in the past, and it was usually more toward the late morning hours as I drifted from unconsciousness to consciousness.

As I looked upon my coworker, I realized it was my friend Mark who had died almost 2 years ago. I hadn't seen him since I moved to San Francisco almost four and a half years ago. This is the point at which I semi-realized that I was dreaming...or at least knew that this was not reality since my mind recognized that he was no longer alive.

"Stay," I plead to him, and then gave him a hug.

I don't remember what happened immediately after that. I do remember it being a very somber and sincere experience, though. What I meant by saying 'stay', I'm not really sure.

The next dream, though, which was either separate entirely, or just a continuation of that REM state, was more sexual than anything else.

I don't remember who exactly was involved, but it ended up being a threesome. Sweet!!! Yup, it was two girls and I. Not only that, but I was also a girl in this dream...something that is happening more and more now that I am full time.

OK, so the good news was that I finally had my second orgasm, and basically the first since healing and not having any residual testosterone in the system. The bad news is that I was entirely asleep for this one.

Breast augmentation consult

It took well over a month to get in, but I finally had my breast augmentation consult with Dr. Gray today. After filling out the regular patient information, I was in his office reviewing with him some general stuff. We then started discussing the details of breast augmentation surgery.

He drew two breasts on a piece of paper and showed me the places that incisions can be made to insert the implants. He mentioned the incisions under the breasts, in the armpit, and along the areola. He didn’t like all three for a variety of reasons...the huge scar, the noticeable scar in the armpit and significant bleeding, and the presence of the scar along the areola.

He said he preferred the incision at the nipple, which could then allow him to adjust the muscle at the bottom to allow it to droop more. He suggests using smooth, round implants since they provide a better appearance.

The surgery itself would be outpatient surgery. After 3 weeks, I should be back to walking around normally without feeling sore or tired; after 6 weeks, I would be at full speed. For the first few days following surgery, I shouldn’t do much.

The stitches remain for 2 weeks. I believe he said that after one month, the implants would still be fairly high, after 2 they would look OK, and after 4 months, they will have settled into their final shape.

He said that if the nipple is small, he sometimes has to have an extra jagged zig-zag cut to get the implant in. I asked if there would be a scar, and he said there would be.

After getting me in the exam room and looking at my current breasts, he said he would have to use a triple zig-zag on me since I had such small nipples. Not good news.

He also put me in this black leotard and taped the back straps together. He then placed some sizer implants in place and wanted me to see how it looked and felt. I think he started me off with something in the 400cc range. When he first started going through his sizer drawers, he started with the larger sizes, but I almost wanted to tell him to go directly to the smallest ones.

He then moved down to 375cc and said that would be about as small as he would suggest. I told him that I was thinking more along the lines of 275cc and he said that would be a mistake. He said the 275cc size was more for a really small Asian girl, and that if I thought the 375cc was too big, this might not be the surgery for me. He said I would need the larger implant since the larger size was larger more in the diameter than in the thickness. Since I have a larger chest than a genetic girl, I would need fuller breasts so that they don’t look disproportionate. He said the smaller implants would create a wider gap between the breasts and would start lower on the chest....and wouldn’t look good. Of course, getting them too big and having me top heavy also wouldn’t look too natural or good in my opinion. The thing is, he’s done a lot of breast augmentations, and a lot of breast augs on T’s as well. He knows what he is talking about, but I’ve noticed that surgeons always seem to go larger than what most women want. That’s what I am trying to compensate for.

He told me that one cup size is typically 200cc, so if I am a small A now, I would be a C cup with what he was suggesting. I'd just like to be a regular B, but they don't make implants that size that will make me look natural as well. Basically, T's need wider diameter implants and smaller profile implants than genetic women just to make up for our larger chests. I wonder if they even make such a thing.

So, the smaller implants aren’t as wide, and will leave a larger gap between my breasts. Making them too big leaves me feeling too chesty. And no matter what I do, I’ll probably have some type of scar wherever I put it. Because of an athletic commitment later this fall, I can’t get in before then and still maintain my fitness level, so the earliest I can have the breast augmentation is later this fall. Based on his scheduling delay, I have until about August at the earliest to decide on things.

Now batting for Prem Arin, Estra Diol

I was at therapy on Monday...the first time since before SRS. I had two reasons for seeing her...the first being my current hormone regimen. Before SRS, I was on 5mg per day of Premarin, along with 150mg of Spironolactone. I cut the Spiro after SRS, and was officially dropped to 1.25mg of Premarin after SRS. I still had a number of 2.5mg pills, so I continued taking 2.5mg per day until I ran out last week. At that time, I dropped to the 1.25mg pills. I’d rather stay at the 2.5mg dosage, since I’ve only been on hormones for just under 3 years. I also wanted to try Progesterone since my breast development is minimal, and figured trying it wouldn’t hurt. My HMO also issued a statement a few months ago telling us it was switching everyone from Premarin to Estradiol.

So, I asked her about the Estradiol and if she could switch me over to it now instead of waiting for me to run out of my current Premarin. She did. I also asked her about the dosage. She said she’d normally put someone post-op on a dosage of 1mg per day, but she would put me at 2mg per day. I think this is still kinda low, but I’ll work with it for now.

I also asked her if I could start progesterone since I had minimal breast and nipple growth. (Officially, progesterone has not been shown to increase breast growth, but some people swear by it that I figured I would at least try it.) She said she would, and asked me which progesterone I would prefer...prometrium or medroxyprogesterone. I had done a little homework before our appointment, and found that the medroxyprogesterone is a synthetic progestin while prometrium is naturally micronized progesterone from yams. I’d heard that the synthetic stuff can mess with ones head quite a bit, so I asked for the prometrium. She prescribed 100mg per day for me.

Also during therapy, I talked to her about an issue I’ve noticed among some of my friends and family. People who have been with me during my transition know that I’m very comfortable talking about my transition and I’m very honest with them. They know they can ask me questions. They also know that I have other transsexual friends.

Unfortunately, my non-T friends then think that since I am fairly open about my transition, that others must be the same way. That’s not always the case. Not only that, but many of my non-T friends then almost default all of my friends to being T. Sometimes they ask me if the person is T or not which really puts me in a hard predicament.

This situation is really unfair. From now on, I’m going to be very forthright and tell them that it’s none of their business. Hopefully people will realize that if they are OK with me and other transsexuals, then it shouldn’t matter if they know or not.

Later Monday evening, I was out to dinner with some friends, a few of which were T...with one having surgery the following day. Somehow three of us got on the subject of revisions, and I mentioned that I was awake for my hairline advancement and sorta felt him cut out the section of skin along the hairline.

“Did he show it to you?” she asked.

The evil side in me (oh, admit it, we all have it) saw an opportunity. I stuck my arm out straight, touching my forefinger and thumb together. With a serious look on my face, I said, “He wiggled it in front of my face,” as I shook my hand back and forth.

They both cringed.

I took it one step further after they regained their composure.

“And then he ate it,” as I moved my hands to my mouth and made a slurping sound.

At that point, they both knew I was kidding, but they both still cringed at the thought of seeing Dr. O sucking down a raw piece of my forehead.

Both of them joined in.

“Did he have a fondue pot there, too?” in reference to the end of the Hannibal movie.

Cindy made the Hannibal Lector sounds, “ffhhuuhh ffhhuuhh ffhhuuhh ffhhuuhh,” as she rolled up her lip and sucked in air.

It’s nice that we can at least laugh about it.

I see dead people

Tonight, I dug out the old video camera and was looking at previous tapes for reality show applications. They are basically a small record of my transition as the first ones are me when I was still trying to live as a guy. Further along, one can see the different changes at the beginning of my transition.

One of the videos is while I was still wearing that stupid red wig. I probably hadn’t even started hormones. My voice was absolutely horrid. My walk was rigid. Watching it made me shudder. Even watching the old ‘male’ videos was hard to a degree. It almost felt like seeing a ghost or remnant of a person that...that...no longer exists?

We're not in Oz anymore

I was in the middle of Kansas for my cousin’s wedding this past weekend. I flew in Friday amongst all the Midwest thunderboppers, which delayed my initial flight from the night before, the connecting flight's landing, and my subsequent arrival in Kansas. Luckily, I didn’t see any witches, or houses on top of witches.

My cousin Dorothy's wedding was early Saturday afternoon, so I had made an appointment to have my hair done before it. Initially, I told the hair stylist that I would like to do some sort of up-do, but that I’d had surgery on my head which caused two receded areas...areas to avoid. She never asked why. She did ask me if I had ever seen Eddie Izzard, though.

“Isn’t he a cross dresser?” I asked, semi-playing along with her whole inquiry. I don’t think she knew I was TS, she simply thought he was based in San Francisco and knew that I was from there as well.

We also talked about how she had moved out of Kansas City to the current town because “KC was too conservative, and this town was much more liberal.” I told her that I, too, sometimes feel like a blue dot in a sea of red.

My cousin’s wedding was early that afternoon. She wore a beautiful white dress. The actual wedding wasn’t that long with a reading, a song, and the exchange of vows. The one thing I really noticed, though, is how much the priest was pushing the heterosexual agenda.

Yes, the heterosexual agenda. I don’t blame my cousin at all, she was just wanting a priest to marry her and her fiance in order to be legally wed.

What is the heterosexual agenda, though? It is a movement to keep marriage only for heterosexual couples, allowing only them to have children, allowing only them to visit loved ones in the hospital, providing benefits only to other heterosexual partners, and keeping anyone else from getting married.

OK, yes...I am being sarcastic. I just get tired of people always yelling and screaming about the 'homosexual agenda'.

This next paragraph is a combination of things I have heard from friends and some of my own independent thought (albeit not very much):

If marriage is a religious institution, then the government should not decide if one can marry another of the same sex...it comes down to the church or religion from which the couple seeks a marriage. This is a matter of the separation of church and state. The state should only be able to issue a legal license for one to get married. There should just be general requirements on it, such as being over 18 and not being blood relatives closer than cousins, etc. The church should then be the one to decide if they will marry a couple based on their beliefs. There are plenty of religions that are against same-sex marriages, but there are some that accept it as part of human nature. If one does not choose to have a religious marriage, then there should be civil unions enabling those people with the same rights as religiously wed couples.

Of course, providing both wedding licenses and civil union licenses creates discrimination based on what type of license one has, so everyone should simply get a domestic union license...or something.

The following day at the brunch for close family and friends, my uncle jokingly bashed my fellow “crazy Californians” as we were conversing...which is good that we were conversing since he has been relatively quiet around me the past few years.

“Wait a minute...let’s talk about Kansas and their education system (which wants to stop teaching evolution...again),” I said.

He then lowered his head as he said, “...and that darn Fred Phelps.”

“Oh yeah, him, too...he’s bothered us out in California a few times...even some of my own constituents. Doesn’t that guy have anything better to do?”

(Fred Phelps is so radical, I won’t even post a direct link to his site.)

Framed

The framing business called me this morning to tell me that my frames were complete and that I could come by to pick them up.

“Are you open today?” I said as I realized it was the Sunday of the Memorial Day weekend.

They were, so as I was running a few errands today, I stopped by to pick up my re-framed college diplomas...the ones that now have my current name. I paid slightly over $50 for it all, but they look nice and the place did a good job at putting all of it back together again. My sister had originally framed both diplomas (as well as my high school diploma), and had placed some sort of seal on the back that prevented easy replacement of any diploma. I assume this was also done to limit the amount of air that could slowly wither away the documents.

A few months ago, I sent an email to my old high school asking if they issued new or revised diplomas at all. They called a few days later and said that they didn’t issue revised diplomas at all. Damn. So, it looks like that one will have to exist with the old name on it.

Head shots

I didn’t like the passport picture that I received at the post office, so I decided to get another picture taken. I found one of those little photo shop labs and asked how much they charged. Remarkably, it was half the price the stupid post office charged...so I had two sets taken...in the hopes that at least one set would be OK. I figured that the picture will be on my passport for 10 years so why not have one that I like.

The guy was very helpful in taking my picture twice, and even asked if I wanted my freckles visible via different shades of lighting. I told him it didn’t matter.

After the photos developed, he looked at the pictures and said, “You look like Julie Roberts....especially around the mouth.”

He’s not the first to mention that. I find it amusing, and usually take it as a compliment. I’ve also had a few people say I look like Natalie Portman. I’m quite honored that a few people think I look like those two, but I’m just happy they don’t tell me I look like Han Solo or Chewbacca.

Three months after SRS

OK, well, let’s see. I’m still dilating with #5 twice a day...when I get up in the morning and right before I go to bed. I still can’t feel much below the clitoris, between the labial incisions, and down to the lower incision line. The clitoris has healed up with it protruding about 6-7mm with a base diameter of about 6-7mm.

The incision lines have healed up pretty nicely. I can still see where they are, but they actually kinda blend in fairly well. I still think there are a few internal sutures around the area that cause little pains here and there as I try to get them to either loosen up or move around so they are no longer causing me any pain.

I installed a handheld showerhead a few weeks ago. It definitely makes it a lot easier to clean things down below. It took a while to find one that had a good shower spray variety, looked good, and was nicely priced.

I’m also trying to eat a little yogurt on a regular basis in the hopes that I never have a yeast infection again.

I didn’t mention this before surgery because I wanted to wait until afterward to see if it was something else, but in the weeks leading up to my SRS I felt really energetic. I went for a run about a week before surgery, and I felt very powerful. Yeah, the testosterone was really surging at that point since I was off the estrogen. I wondered if I was just getting back into some decent shape or if it was only the testosterone. Now that I’m back to running and can gauge the feeling I had on that run, I can definitely say how much testosterone actually affects ones athletic performance. When I went on hormones, it was a gradual loss of athletic prowess, but after experiencing that short time back on testosterone, I remember how strong I used to feel. Wow, what a difference.

And, oh yeah, I had sex.

OK, so this part is totally kinda gross...at least concerning SRS stuff.

My urethra has gradually grown much smaller in size than it was immediately following surgery. It now comes out in a very fine stream with a bit of velocity on it. It’s also aimed up fairly high. So, in order to try to get it aimed further down, I typically lean forward and try to arch my back a bit.
Initially, when I tried this, I would often look down to make sure that the stream was not causing any trouble. Unfortunately, when I did this, some of the stream would splash up and nail me in the face. Yeah, I know....GROSS!!!!

I now hold a little toilet paper in that area to prevent me from getting splashed as well as prevent any of it from getting on my clothes.

I have also noticed that if I dilate immediately before taking a dump, there is a lot of lube that comes out of my vagina. I figure the same muscles involved with pushing the stuff outta my butt also catch a little of what’s inside my vagina, and just take it along for the ride. Nice, huh?

Finally, I have possibly figured out why women laugh when they fart. Yes, one of the greatest riddles of mankind is now possibly solved. If I’m leaning back or just sitting regular, I’ve found that the air emanating from my rear often travels forward and ripples thru my labia. (I’ve also noticed a little of the same feeling if my labia are sorta stuck together when I start to pee.) Wow, does that feel good! It almost tickles. OK, yes, it’s kinda gross, but it feels pretty damn good....enough to get a smile out of me.

Why does it all have to be so hard?

I stopped by the post office yesterday to have a new picture taken for my passport renewal. My current passport is due up this fall so the timing of SRS comes at a very opportune time for me in the renewal process.

OK, I will admit that I thought I had to turn in all of my paperwork to the passport people at the post office, but I just have to mail off the passport form, the legal name change decree, and my letter from Dr. Meltzer. I still needed a picture though, so that was the one service I could use there.

When the guy behind the counter saw the picture in my passport, he looked very confused. “Is this your husband?”

“No, that’s me. I had a little work done.”

Blank stare. I could actually see and hear all the brain synapses screaming “does not compute” before they subsequently exploded.

Something clicked for him after a few seconds when he saw the rest of my paperwork. I told him I still needed a picture, and he was happy to oblige.

Afterward, I mailed off the paperwork for my birth certificate change. Because my postal service kinda sucks, I would have preferred to have Fedexed such sensitive documents, but Louisiana has a PO box for their address...something Fedex can’t deliver to. I purchased the registered mail and return receipt options, though, so they hopefully won’t lose it. For the birth certificate change, I mailed off the birth certificate revision form, the name change decree, the letter from Dr. Meltzer, and two utility bills that had my legal name on them. The bills were part of their identification documentation needed. Most of the other forms I wouldn’t have been able to mail...such as my driver’s license, social security card, etc. I also sent in an extra fee for them to pull up my current birth certificate. Louisiana’s Vital Records wants you to either send it in or pay to have them pull it up. I have a copy of it, but not an official one...just the small card...which they said wasn’t valid for this revision purpose.

Hopefully this will work. When I went over their paper work, it said something about having the District Attorney in the parish in which I was born approving the change, but it doesn’t really say how to do any of it. If it comes down to some type of court order, then I’m screwed and will have to hire a lawyer to figure all of it out. The email I got back from their office said to just send in the paperwork, so hopefully that’s all it will take. I should find out in a few weeks.

This one time...at the laser hair removal place

Every time I seem to go to the laser hair removal place, I always end up with a good story. Yes, I was having a little more annoying body hair lasered away. I think this will be my last trip for laser as I move to have the remaining stuff zapped with electrolysis.

Anyway, my technician this time, who happened to have the same name I used to have, was going through the paperwork before we started. She asked me if I had changed any of my meds. I told her that they were all the same except I wasn’t taking spironolactone anymore.

“What is that stuff for?”

“It’s used to block testosterone.”

“Why are you taking that? Is that why you’re here...did hair start growing when you stopped taking it?”

“I’m transgender. After I had surgery, I didn’t have to take it anymore.”

“Ahhhh...I would have never guessed you were transgender.”

After we got started, she asked a few questions about the transgender stuff. She also mentioned that her son crossdressed....and was autistic. She was cool with his crossdressing, though, and even taught him how to order stuff off the internet.

A little while later, she commented, “You know, you could have kept your name.”

“I seriously thought about it, but my roomie’s dog convinced me otherwise. His dog’s name is Scooby...but Scooby is a girl. I tell people that Scooby is a girl dog, but they still end up calling her a ‘he’ because people are used to Scooby being a boy’s name. For my situation, people still would have thought of me as ‘he’. So, Scooby helped me realize I needed to change my name.

“Yeah, he sure did.”

“Ummm....see, Scooby is a girl.”

“Oh yeah...wow...I see your point.”

Later into the session, after I told her about FFS and SRS, she asked me if I planned on having breast augmentation. I told her I was seriously thinking about it and have a consult planned for next month.

She surprised me by saying she just had hers done two weeks ago...and loved them. She wished she had gotten them a lot sooner. (Hmmm...that seems to be a reoccurring theme lately.)

After we had finished our session and I was paying the bill, she was conversing with the receptionist who thought we still hadn’t started.

“No, he’s already done.”

Uugghhhh....I hate being called ‘he’ after she initially had no idea that I was even transgender. I see why some people end up going stealth. It’s just a pain in the butt when people who wouldn’t even know the difference end up wiring their brain to see me as male instead of female...only because I’ve told them. Yeah, yeah...she was very supportive, but she still ended up seeing me as male instead of female.

Dreamin'

At some point this past weekend, the visiting Claire and I briefly discussed dreams. She’d had a reoccurring dream lately, and I told her that I’ve had my share over the years. Up until I finally came out to my family, I always had dreams of them catching me dressed up in female clothes. Up until I finally picked up my master’s degree, I also had dreams that I either showed up late for class or I forgot to go to class all semester long until the final exam. Anxieties. They definitely show up in my dreams once in a while.

Lately, my reoccurring dreams have involved myself at the company I was at before I moved out to San Francisco. Sometimes I am there as a guy, sometimes as a girl. Sometimes I feel unwanted, sometimes I feel like I’m just there to do a job, and sometimes I feel secure in being me in a place I never was.

Early yesterday morning, I had another of those dreams. This time I was female and ran into an old coworker that left before I did.

Last night, as I was wrapping up work (and not dreaming), I got a call from another former coworker. She has been very supportive ever since I came out to the whole lot about 2 years ago. She asked me how I was doing after having had the surgery. I told her that things have healed up fairly well.

We also chatted about boobs. I saw another pair of Dr. Gray’s work the other day...and they looked really really good. I told her I was seriously considering them, and that I had a consult already lined up for next month. She had a breast augmentation slightly before I moved away, so we chatted for a while about them. She said the one thing she regretted was not getting them sooner. It’s funny...I say the same thing about transition, and, of course, everyone I’ve met who’s gotten boobs has said that they loved them...even the genetic girls.

Hurt

Yesterday, I finally re-started electrolysis down below. I had a little hair pop up around the clitoris and the vaginal opening. I put a little numbing agent around the clitoris and way down underneath since I could still feel in those areas, but I figured I was fairly numb from the clitoris to the bottom incision.

The hairs around the clitoris did hurt quite a bit, but I couldn’t feel most of the ones in the vaginal opening. I say most, because I could feel a few. It was a weird pain. Electrolysis is usually very sharp and very specific. Wherever she is placing the needle is usually where the pain is. But in this case, it became more of a general 'hurt'. Who knows why it felt different...perhaps the nerves are only able to pick up the pain in that manner, or perhaps the electricity was only felt in nerves outside the affected areas. Either way, it still hurt a little in the ‘numb’ areas, which means I do have a little sensation.

This past Friday, I finally mailed off my payment to Dr. Meltzer for the labiaplasty and body contour. I had a cashier’s check made out at the bank, and I also cashed out some saving’s bonds I had won at races a few years back. I figured it was best to get them taken care of now, rather than in the future since they still had the boy name on them. The cashier never really asked why the names didn’t match up, but hopefully she saw the alias listed on my bank account.

One round of pads down

Over the past week or so, I’ve noticed my urethra seems to be smaller. When I took a look tonight, I noticed it is a lot smaller at the opening than I had seen in the past. I would say that the opening is no larger than 3mm in diameter...if even that. The restricted flow is what made me check it out. It used to be a nice flowing stream, but now it seems a lot narrower. It looks like that will have to be corrected at labiaplasty....which is fairly common, I understand.

Since things have finally started looking really good along all the incisions, I’ve stopped wearing pads. It gets annoying having to wear them all the time, changing them after dilating, and dealing with stench issues if I start oozing anything out...especially around the clitoris. The oozing has finally stopped, so most of those problems have cleared up.

Pete and I were chatting after a meeting today. I asked him about the subject matter he is studying in class. He’s going back to school to be a therapist, while also working part time in his usual job. During our conversation about therapists and what I want to be when I grow up, I reflected on something I have heard about therapists....that they become therapists to figure something out about themselves. Pete commented, “Would you want a therapist who couldn’t relate to having gone thru the healing process?”

He’s right. To truly understand something, we have to have experienced something similar in our own lives.

On my walk across campus this afternoon, I saw a guy walking with a severe limp obviously caused by some disability. I wondered how similar the two of us were...me with a social disability of transitioning from one sex to another, and he with a physical disability that prevented him from walking without a limp. Both of us made the best of our situations.

It made me think as I continued my walk. Would I ever want to be involved romantically with someone who hasn’t been through their own healing process...someone who hasn’t had to deal with their own situation? I’m not talking about just another transgender person, but anyone for that matter. I just don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through their own journey would understand mine.

An itchy inch

I pulled out another of those ‘dissolvable’ sutures last night. Well, I didn’t get all of it. I tugged on it like the previous one, but it didn’t want to slide right out. It felt like it was still tied around something, and I didn’t want to hurt myself by pulling too hard and tearing something. So, I just clipped it at the surface which, unfortunately, still leaves some inside me.

Tonight, though, I pulled out the granddaddy of dissolvable sutures. I had the little irritating feeling at the junction where the drains were initially located. They are basically at the top of the vertical incision that ends about the same height as my clitoris, but out to each side about 3cm. The irritation has been in the one on my right side. I gently scratched the area feeling for any suture which might be poking through the skin, and sure enough, there was a very tiny portion. I grabbed on to it with the tweezers and gently tugged. Initially, there was this knot of sutures at the top but the rest of it was just a string of the suture itself. The total length came up right at 1” (2.5cm).


The culprit!

It feels nice having those sutures out, and when I rub the areas where I’ve removed them, they feel so much better now. The mirror sites on either side, though, where I have either not removed anything or not been able to get all of it, seem to have some small bumps and feel a little different. It’s almost as though I can feel the remaining chunks of suture that are below the surface. I wonder if Dr. Meltzer will be able to remove some of these with the labiaplasty if they don't dissolve, or if I will be getting more of them at that time.

A lion's thorn

Initially, when all of the dissolvable sutures were getting to be a nuisance more than functional, I started trimming all of the loose pieces close to the surface. I’ve had two little pieces sticking just above the skin in the lower area where things were sewn back together...just below the vaginal opening. Lately, though, these have become rather irritating. So, tonight I felt with my fingernail where it was, grabbed onto it with a pair of tweezers (which took many attempts), and gently pulled. Surprisingly, it kinda slide right out. The ‘dissolvable’ suture was at least half an inch long, which was even more amazing to me. After it was out, though...whew!....it felt a lot better.

Low Maintenance

I was out playing with the lunch-time crew today. It’s just over 2 months since surgery, and although I am nowhere near 100%, I wanted to try it anyway. I did OK, but didn’t push things. It definitely felt good to get back out, but as the rain started to fall, I told them I had to go since I didn’t want to get injured.

Initially, when I was hashing everything out with HR right after FFS, they gave me free reign over the bathrooms...except those with locker rooms in them...until after SRS. So, after today’s work out, I was in one of the bathrooms with the single shower stall. It was way better than running home to shower and running back to work.

Speaking of showering, I have been a real slacker lately. I still shower in the morning, but with dilating taking up an hour then and at night, I have cut out everything except the basics. That means I shower, then throw the hair in a clip and worry about doing something with it after I get to work...which usually entails just some side bangs and the clip in back or tying it back with a band. I still apply a UV protective moisturizer to my face, but no makeup except for a little eyeliner and lipstick once in a while. That’s about it. Well, I do dress myself and eat a little breakfast, but it has all cut down on my email and internet time in the morning.

It’s just so hard getting motivated to dilate. I mean, dilating isn’t that bad, it’s just a big time drain. Plus, being native-procrastinator, well, it just makes it hard to get going sometimes. I have the TV to watch and a number of magazines to read, but still, it’s just..I dunno...boring? So, when the nerves start firing again...who knows, I might change my mind.

Under There?

I’ve kinda been making due with the clothes that I have, minus the cheap underwear that was a size larger than my normal size. I wanted to fit comfortably while things were a little swollen. The swelling has mainly gone down, although I think there is still some in the mons area. Well, I hope it is swelling, or I am going to need the lipo like Amber needed.

Today, though, I finally stopped by Victoria’s Secret to find some new underwear now that Junior is no longer around. I have worn their bikini’s in size small, in order to hold things securely before SRS. Some panties fit snug, while others fit a lot more comfortable...and they were all supposedly the same size. So, I was there today to find a little better style as well as buy a few different sizes...both small and medium. I picked up some string bikini’s, as well as a pair of thongs. From trying them on this afternoon once I was home, it looks like I’m somewhere in between a small and medium. I hate being between sizes.

I also bought a pair from the GAP, just to size them up. I think I picked out a comfy pair, now I just need to shop around for the style that looks and fits best.

So, I have finally been getting back into the non-T world a little lately. I found a little co-ed league that has games every week, and today we had a small practice. Not everyone showed up, but the coach was there. I tried to tone things down since I didn’t want to come across as being too good (especially since I still have a lot of muscle leftover), but I did show a lot of good coordination and athleticism. I think the coach liked me, as he was already telling me that I needed to be there for the playoffs.

No one on the team knows about the T stuff, so I will admit that it bugged me a little wondering if they could tell or not. There was one other girl that showed up, and once in a while I would catch her staring at me when we were resting. (On average, women are much better at spotting T’s than men.)

This is one of the first times when I’ve tried to meet new friends that don’t know about the T stuff. Yes, it was a little nerve racking, but it was something I needed to do...just to get it over with. Before transition, I was afraid of people finding out who I was, and I’d prefer not to have to worry about that again. I just want to be me.

Today, though, I was super sore. My lower body...waist, hips, upper legs...are going to be feeling it for a few days.

Sticking with the “punish my body theme”, I treated myself with the silver nitrate after dilating last night. Unfortunately, I applied it too close to bedtime. I tried laying down to sleep, but the occasional stinging pain kinda prevented it. So, I popped a vicodin from last year’s Dr. O stash and went right to sleep once the warm feeling rolled over my body.

Slip N' Slide

I tried Astroglide instead of the Surgilube goop tonight. It worked fairly well, although it was harder getting it started and to full depth as fast as Surgilube. The Astroglide is far less messy, though, which is a big bonus, but since it has trouble even staying on the dilator, it tends to become thinner on the dilator the further you get back into the vagina. I found that I have to pull it in and out a few times to make sure that it coats the vaginal areas in the back...otherwise it kinda gets stuck...again.

Wow, your hair is getting long!

...my ex-roomie said as we were chatting this morning. She’s in town spending time with my current roomie, her boyfriend.

“Yeah, I guess it looks longer, but that’s what happens when I straighten my hair...everyone seems to think it looks longer.”

I straightened it Thursday night, and have been wearing a shower cap to prevent it from getting wet and going back to the curly frizzball hair.

So, I spent Friday morning at California Dreamin’ while presenting during one seminar for Transition in the Workplace. It went well with two other panelists and myself discussing some key aspects of our transitions, especially workplace stuff. Luckily, we’ve all maintained our current jobs.

Some key aspects: Try to be yourself way before going full time. This doesn’t necessarily mean the froo-froo stuff, but more of the psychological part. Be friendly and cheerful, converse with people, tell them about some of your hobbies or habits that might not necessarily be totally masculine. Let them see that you’re not some one dimensional male work drone. If you want to mix in the froo-froo stuff (painting your nails, tweezing your eyebrows, wearing feminine attire, piercing your ears, etc.), that’s fine, just be prepared when people notice them...and they will notice, but they might not mention it to your face. Some people are uncomfortable with the gender blurring, which could lead to some weird actions at work.

Also, try to be an indispensable worker. Make it hard for them to get rid of you if and when you come out or transition. If they realize that you are a valuable member of your team, they might look beyond the whole gender thing.

After the morning seminars, I called a friend to have lunch and possibly catch a movie.

“Wow, your hair is getting long,” she said when I walked in to her place.

“Yeah, I know. So is yours.”

Today, though, I was back down at Cal-Dreamin’ to see Dr. Meltzer for a check-up, and to possibly catch one or two seminars.

When I pulled up and got out of my car, I saw Dr. O and Mira entering the hotel right before me. As they meandered to the restaurant, I followed, then snuck up before asking them if they were lost. We said our hello’s, then they invited me to eat with them. “Sure, sounds good.” I still had an hour until my Dr. Meltzer appointment.

As we were eating and chatting, I spot Dr. Meltzer and Linda entering the restaurant right near us. I wave. They come over to our table and everyone starts chatting. Anyway, everyone eats and then I followed Dr. Meltzer and Linda back up to their room for the exam.

They normally have these cool black robes in the exam rooms, but this time it was these white paper robes that made me look like a samurai warrior. I put it on then laid back in the comfy chair in their room. I had already told Dr. Meltzer about the clitoral area, and he said he could treat it again with the silver nitrate. He did. It stung. Again! Luckily, it wasn’t quite as bad as the last time. I had off and on stinging pains the rest of this evening, though.

Let’s see, I also had questions as usual:

How soon can I start electrolysis again? You should be fine now.
I had a yeast infection two weeks ago and used Monistat to clear it up. (I guess that’s not really a question.) That usually clears things up.
I haven’t seen any type of invoice for the upcoming surgery this summer. Will they be sending that anytime soon? They should.
We also chatted a little more, just in general.

“Wow, you’re hair is getting long.”

(Ok...this is getting old.)

“It looks longer because I straightened it.”

“But it wasn’t all one length, was it?”

“It was...it just looks different when it’s curly.”

“Well, it looks good.”

"Thanks." :)

After that, I went back downstairs and chatted with some friends for a little longer. A lot of us Meltzer girls then attended his seminar. I wish he would talk more about the actual SRS procedure, show pictures of his work, and talk about a lot of the different details that you never really hear about. During the course of his presentation, though, he talked about body contour, and the transfer of that fat to other areas...including the hip.

When I previously talked to Carole about the transference of said waist fat to the buttocks/hip, she said it would just be reabsorbed by the body, and wasn’t really feasible.

After the presentation, we chatted again, especially since I had a few other questions. I told him I was interested in transferring the fat to the small little flat area on the side of my buttocks, just to give my hips a little rounder appearance. He said he might be able to do that, but the girls who came in looking for saddlebags would be very disappointed. I said I just wanted a little area taken care of that was flat.

I also asked him how long after the labiaplasty/body contour could I have breast augmentation. He said I could have it right away.

I also mentioned the smelly discharge I’ve noticed emanating from the clitoral area. It has also left that smell on my panty liners lately, so I assume I am still spotting some nasty stuff. I can’t even describe the smell, but if it is similar to what my friends have said about their vaginas smelling bad, this must be it. It took me quite a while to develop this fowl odor, but it looks like I am no longer a liar concerning my V-Day monologue.

Avoiding Death

The phone rang at 11:58pm Sunday evening. Anytime my phone rings after 10pm, it usually isn’t good. I’m always leery to answer it knowing that there is probably bad news behind the cheerful ringtone.

“Have you read your email?” she asked.

I’d seen my email icon bouncing a few minutes before, but hadn’t checked the mail that it indicated had arrived.

“I don’t know what to do,” she said, “we can only do so much.”

She’s right.

I read the email. It was from a T friend of ours. She basically said that if we were reading it, she was dead since she’d set a 5 hour time delay on the message being sent. Suicide. It was her second serious attempt. The first I thought was a cry for help...a reach into the dark for someone that would listen...that would help. This one sounded a little more serious since she was telling us after it had happened.

I called her phone. No answer. I left a message.

At 12:20am my time, I called the cops in her area...a one hour time difference. They took all of the info, including information from her last attempt. I also told them she was transgender. I feel being honest with the police shows them my respect in their ability and places my trust in them doing the right thing. They called back just past 1:30am to tell me there was no answer on her phones, and no response at her door. They said they didn’t have enough to go on to break down her door.

What else could I do?

I went back to bed...hoping she hadn’t done what she’d said she’d done.

Yesterday at noon, my phone rings. Her name pops up on my caller ID. I sat there for a second staring at the name...wondering if it was her, or someone who had her phone and was calling me to tell me she was dead. It’s one of those situations where you just kinda sit there pondering the universe as time slowly goes by. The phone rings, and yet, time just stood still as my brain pondered the eventual.

I said hello. I didn't want an answer...I almost preferred not knowing.

Luckily, it was her. She said that she OD’d Sunday night. She also told me that charcoal does not taste good. They used it to pump her stomach, and later gave her names of professional counselors. She said she was tired and had spent the past 3 days in the hospital.

It was good to know she was still alive. I mean, we all die, but why die when there is still so much life to live? I know why. Things have been tough for her. Again, transition is not easy. She feels there is no way out...no way to deal with all the GID stuff running through her head, especially with a lack of support that her family is showing her.

I, too, was trying to stay healthy and alive tonight...out for a little run. It’s the first time since surgery...over 7 weeks ago. I just went a short 2 miles. It was nice to get out again, and I felt really good when I took the first few bounces. The groin area felt like a super tuck the first mile. Yes, a super tuck. I went slow, and walked a bit, especially since I had nothing to prove to anyone. Based on how tight things were after walking around Scottsdale, I worried about being tight for dilation, but things weren’t that bad tonight.

Back to work

I’ve been using Monistat 7 the past few days just to make sure that things clear up. I haven’t noticed any of the sticking that happened before I started applying the cream, so I’ll take that as a good indication that the yeast infection is gone...I just need to be sure it stays gone.

One thing I have noticed, though, is that my depth seems to be less. I’m betting it has something to do with the Monistat. I was just shy of 6” to the labia when I started using it, and lately I can only muster about 5.5”. Hopefully that will return when I stop using the product.

Ahhh...so, today I was back to work full-time. I put in a few half-days physically at work, and one half-day from home before today, but today was the full thing. I was definitely feeling it in the afternoon. I just wanted to crash and take a nap, but that’s a little hard when I’m supposed to be working. Thankfully, I made this week a short week.

I got up at 7, dilated, showered, ate, and made it to work by 9. That hour dilation in the morning is killer. I’m only dilating for 30 minutes, but with setup, cleanup, and getting fully motivated, it basically takes an hour. When I’m down to only once a day, that will totally rock.

Bagels, anyone?

It looks like cottage cheese oozing out your vagina...or at least, that's what I'm told. It's also supposed to itch like the dickens.

Around 5 weeks after SRS, I noticed a little grayish-white gooey stuff on the end of the dilator when I was finished dilating. I thought it was just residual surgilube. I also noticed that the dilator wasn't sliding in as easy as it had in the past. I didn't notice any itching, though, simply because I don't really have any sensation inside the vagina so far.

At 5.5 weeks, I had a doctor's check-up and was told I had a small yeast infection. The doctor said to use some Monistat and it should clear up. All fine and dandy, right?

So, when I arrived in the feminine products area of the store (yes, I felt quite proud simply standing there), I bewilderingly stared at all the different types of products available to rid oneself of a yeast infection. There is Monistat 1, 3, and 7...along with all these different colors (which I assume indicate different products used along the same time period). I figured that if the Monistat 1 worked just as well as the 3 and 7, why not buy it since it got rid of it in less time, right?

So, I purchased #1. There is external cream and a sorta egg-shaped suppository...except it goes up the vagina with these cool little plunger and barrel accessories.

So, I tried it.

I talked to Janet from Dr. Meltzer’s yesterday (basically 6 weeks) and she suggested using the 3 or 7 day products since they provided better treatment. I’m going to use the 7 day product to make sure things have cleared up and store a box of the 3 day product at home just in case.

I've heard two different ways of applying the cream. One is to simply follow the directions of using a similar plunger/barrel to deposit the cream inside the vagina, or to dilate with the cream on the dilator (along with a little lube). Messy!

Anyway, things seem to be clearing up, and the dilator doesn’t seem to be sticking anymore.

Wonderland

I tried #5 last night after I had #4 in for a while. It actually went in quite easily, although it was hard getting the full depth out of it. Of course, that’s to be expected since I’ve seen it happen every time I jumped up in size. That depth usually comes back after I’ve dilated with it for a few days.

I’m surprised it took me this long, but I found that I could look up into my vagina by looking through the end of the dilator...with a flashlight and mirror, of course. It’s some pretty wild stuff, even if it is slightly distorted thru the looking glass.

So, I have #5 all the way in, I've moved it around a bit, I've looked at things up inside me, and I'm ready to pull it out. I gently tug and twist. It doesn't want to budge. I twist a little more. Nothing.

My mind floated back to my 6th grade sex education class. "What happens if it gets stuck?" one of my fellow classmates asked, looking for subsequent laughter from other kids who obviously had more of a clue than I did. I'm not sure what it was, but I really had no interest in my penis until it was very late in the game, and thus, I never really paid attention to any other aspects of it. It's funny, then, that I actually remember this question.

"Just wait a while, and it won't be stuck any longer," was the best response the teacher could come up with, from what I remember. I don't think that was going to help me with the current situation.

So, I decided to continually tug on the dilator with a gentle force in the hopes that it would eventually slide out. It took a couple of minutes, but I finally got it out.

Ready Bake Oven

I called Dr. Shaffer’s office two days ago to set up a post-op examine and check-up to see how things are going. Dr. Shaffer is herself post-op, and has seen many post-op patients, so I figured she would be the best person to see. The appointment was this morning, so I grabbed a few files at work to occupy my time this afternoon while I was away from the office.

We went over the basic info before she had me take off everything below my waist. She put the stirrups in place and I crawled onto the examining table, placing both feet in the metallic arms and spreading my legs wide.

She started at the top with the clitoris and said I had definite granulation tissue around it that needed to be treated with silver nitrate. Granulation tissue, as she explained it, is skin that isn’t quite able to heal like normal skin. She said it was the same reddish skin found under scabs if they are pealed off too soon. She explained that the silver nitrate was a chemical cauterizing compound that allowed the skin to heal properly.

I laid back as she began to apply the silver nitrate. She wanted to test it out on me to see if I needed to be numbed up while she worked on the area. It definitely stung, with about a quarter to half the pain associated with electrolysis, but this continued to sting. Luckily, it does diminish after a while, so she was able to work without having to numb me. (Plus, I’ve heard horror stories about her numbing techniques, so I really didn’t want her shooting me up.)

After that, she then moved to the urethra and said that it looked fine and was healing OK.

Dr. Shaffer then lubed up a duck-billed speculum. I laid back and tried to concentrate on keeping my muscles relaxed, but she seemed to have it in before I could fully concentrate. Getting it in was no problem, but when she opened the vagina, whew, there was a bit of pressure...especially as she moved it around. Connie, my former SRS ward-mate, said that the dilators made her feel like Connie-on-a-stick...but this speculum thingy made me feel like Kara-the-joystick as she jolted me around.

Anyway, she said the vagina looked pretty decent. I think she said that I didn’t have much sloughing or something, and that it appeared like the skin had adequate blood supply. “I haven’t had much sloughed skin come out with the douching,” I told her.

The next thing she said really surprised me. “You need to cut down on lube because I’ve just dug 5ml of it out of your vagina. You also have a small yeast infection. Use some Monistat to clear that up,” she said. In hindsight, I should have asked for a little more clarification on the whole Monistat thing since I’ve obviously never used it before.

I told her that I had been using only a sufficient amount of lube to get the dilators in and out, but that they had been a little sticky lately. I’m betting the yeast infection was the cause of the dilators sticking in there, especially since I’d seen a little bit of white stuff on the end of them lately. I thought it was residual lube, and had started douching a little more often, but it appears that it was probably the yeast infection.

Finally, she ended on a rather positive note as she inspected the bottom triangle area. She noted the small area where I had torn, but said that it had healed up OK and would not need any silver nitrate. She said she could see why I had torn because the ledge in that area was pretty tight to allow the dilators into the vagina.

Tonight, when I got home and looked in the mailbox, I found #5. I thought about naming it Tiffany or Britney, but I’ve decided to go with Brutus. Nah, just kidding...April Fool. Hey, since it arrived on April Fool’s Day, I think I’ll simply go with April. Somehow I knew that I wouldn’t know what to name it until it arrived. So, now I have Bob, Rosie, Arnold, Buster, Helga, and April.
    

Who ya gonna call???

Janet called early this morning and apologized for not getting back yesterday. She said Dr. Meltzer reviewed the pictures I sent and that I should go back to putting Bacitracin only on the clitoris, but that everything else looked fine.

I was back at work today, but, luckily, only part time. I’m doing half days for the next week before I go back full-time. I will have to say that I kinda like being a slacker (especially while I’m getting paid...albeit I am recovering, though), and almost dread going back to work.

I don’t know if it’s that dread or what, but I’ve felt a little depressed lately. I don’t think it’s really due to SRS, but more to my body anxieties...that I will never be GG, or look normal, blah, blah, blah. And if I try to look more normal, that means pumping so much more money into implants, cheeks, lipo, fixing the jaw, hair transplants...and losing the muscle. I actually don’t mind too much muscle, I just wish it were a little less. I guess some of that will go down in time with HRT. This depression seems a lot lighter than the depression I felt after FFS, but I can still feel a little of it this time. I just tell myself that I'm going through a little depression and that with time, it will go away.

Some of it could be due to SRS, though, as I wait for things to completely heal. I haven’t started exercising, yet, as I’m waiting for the clitoris area to reach a state where I feel like getting out again. I’ve always been able to use exercising as a valuable stress buster in my past, and it’s hard when you can’t. So, I guess I’m stressed that I can’t go about my normal stress busting activity.

#5?

I talked to LaCrista from Dr. Meltzer's office this morning and ordered #5. She says it will ship today. I almost feel giddy and dread at the same time.....driddy???

I also talked to Janet late this evening. She said she would forward my photos on to Dr. Meltzer to see if anything needed to be done concerning my clitoris.

Yes...I am a slacker

Some people continue to ask how I’m doing and what type of super incredible revelations I’ve had. Funny thing is, I haven’t. Not that I’m really aware of, that is. I think I was able to dig through a lot of it before surgery such that I didn’t have to deal with anything afterward.

Actually, you want to know what one of the hardest things has been for me? Putting on socks and tying my shoes. The surgery has left me very rigid around the mid section. OK, not rigid, but inflexible. It’s hard to bend down to my feet while also bending my knee. It’s getting better, but I wouldn’t have survived had I not had my mom tying my shoes those first few times. Luckily, I also took along a few sandals so I just slid my foot in and out. That’s mainly what I wear now...or my house slippers. Occasionally, though, I have to put on shoes that have laces. I won’t say it’s hard, but it’s a little uncomfortable...still.

I think I’m going to be ready for #5 soon. I’ll probably talk to Dr. Meltzer’s office on Monday concerning my clitoris as well as order the #5. Looks like I will have to work on a name for it. I should go uber femme for it.

Speaking of dilating, I initially started out with jazz music to help relax and get in a dilating mood. After a while, though, I started watching the TV to keep me entertained while I dilated for my standard 30 minutes.

I watched the Incredibles the day it came out on DVD. After that, I finally dug out the Sci-Fi Channel’s miniseries, Taken, which I recorded way back in 2002. It’s a 10 part, 20 hour marathon that has kept me busy for the past 11 days during dilations. Tonight, I finally finished it off. Unfortunately, I was disappointed in the ending. Now I have to find something else to watch while dilating. I guess I have a few movies to watch...but at one movie a day, I’m going to need something else pretty soon. Luckily, I drop down to twice a day later this week. Since February was a short month, I figured I would continue the four times a day until Tuesday, instead of dropping down tomorrow, which will be one month of dilating.

It's been a long road

It’s funny how important events in our lives slowly fade into memories...distant dreams. Even SRS, an event I built up before, but realized wasn’t that big during it, is something that I’m mainly reminded about only when I think about it.

There are things that will probably remind me of it for a long time. And you know what, I don’t mind. It was a positive experience for me. Like a girl who finally has her period, some might say, “Kara, you are now a woman.” However one wants to put it, I feel very comfortable as me now.

Memories for me, though, are sometimes triggered by rather unique senses. When I was a child, I remember the smell of these particular flowers that were in the planters by the front door of my grandparent’s house. Every time I smell those flowers now, I’m reminded of their house and the times my family visited.

I’m reminded of my FFS journey whenever I visit Noe Valley, or see the front license plate on my car that was scraped in my mom’s little accident, or wear the black scarf that I bought at Mia’s Flower’s and Gifts just around the corner from Cocoon, or fix pancakes (since the first time I ever fixed them myself was in Cocoon).

I bought the candle to bring back from Arizona as an aromatic reminder, but there will probably be some other things that will remind me. Will I ever think of rubber duckies the same? Also, I created a little CD before the trip. I created one for Amber before hers last year, and based on her ‘weiner roast’ party’s name, Wangapalooza, I named the CD the same thing. So, this year’s CD was Wangapalooza Volume 2. Here’s the list of songs I put on it:

1. Where My Heart Will Take Me - variety
2. Just A Girl - No Doubt
3. I Can’t Tell The Boys From The Girls - Lester Flatt
4. Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
5. Sex Change - Snap-Her
6. Meant to Live - Switchfoot
7. The Change - Cledus T. Judd
8. The Reason - Hoobastank
9. When You’re a Tuesday Girl - The Tuesdays
10. 100 Years - Five For Fighting
11. Just Be A Woman - Lenny Kravitz
12. Hurt - Johnny Cash
13. Coin-Operated Boy - The Dresden Dolls
14. Welcome to My Life - Simple Plan
15. Everyday is a Winding Road - Sheryl Crow
16. Shooting Stars - Edwin McCain
17. Save Tonight - Eagle-Eye Cherry
18. Time To Move On - Tom Petty
19. This Is Your Life - Switchfoot

Some of these songs will definitely remind me of the experience. Some are just fun songs that I dug up which I will probably never hear again unless I play the CD. Some are very popular songs that just talk about the different things life throws at us and how we deal with them. I likened some to the pain and joys of dilation, one to the day of the week that I had the operation on, and some that speak about simply being a woman. One might ask why I have Save Tonight on the list. If you actually listen to the song and think of the singer singing from the perspective of a penis, it’s actually quite funny...and believe it or not, it was sort of a farewell/send-off song that actually got me to cry a few times before surgery. I will never think of that song the same way ever again.

I’ve been home for over 2 weeks now, but it seems like forever. Perhaps dilation has done that to me. I won’t know what to do with myself when I actually decrease to twice a day from the current four times a day.

Tonight, though, I was able to slide #4 in without warming up with #3. I’ll probably have to use #3 to initially warm up for a few more days until I can get #4 in by itself, but it was rather encouraging. I wonder if I’ll have to order #5 or not. I guess I’ll see how #4 goes.

I’m still kinda worried about my clitoris. It’s not looking black or anything, but the skin around it doesn’t seem to be healing that well compared to the rest of the incisions. In fact, most of the other ones are pretty much healed, even the slight tear in the bottom triangle area. I’m thinking about making an appointment with one of the local T docs or sending in a picture to Dr. Meltzer’s office....just to be sure things are going OK.

Helga

I tried #4 the past two days and it was quite tight. I’ve had #3 in at good depth lately and have been working #4 in when possible. I’m getting decent depth out of it as well, almost the full 6” to the edge of the labia, but it is really really tight. I basically have to lube it up at least twice during the session if I keep it in for any reasonable amount of time.

Surgery was a month ago today. Time has flown by so fast. Initially, I had planned on disability covering me for the first 4 weeks, although I had hoped they would cover me for the first month of dilation. They wouldn’t tell me how much they would cover me for, so I just went with the 4 weeks that HR said would most likely be covered. I also turned in the California state disability forms with this information. I figured I would simply take a week of vacation and then work half days from home, which would give me a total of 5.5 weeks following my first dilation before I physically returned to work. My boss was totally fine with this.

When I came home from Arizona, though, I found a letter from the disability provider saying they would now cover me for 5 weeks. Since I already had my plan into HR and had turned in my disability information to the state, I decided to just call in and tell them I was returning to work based on 4 weeks.

So, tomorrow, I am officially back to work....but I’m on vacation.

#3 at bat, #4 on deck

I used only the #3 today. It was a little rough getting it past the PC muscle at first, but after relaxing, I was able to get it in. I’ll probably start working #4 in to the lineup sometime in the next few days as #3 slides in easier.

Jigsaw puzzle

Janet called yesterday afternoon to see how I was doing. I told her things were going fairly well and that I hadn’t really had any problems. I told her I’d torn a little at the bottom, and that my clitoris was still spotting and still had a yellowish covering over the lower half. She said as long as it didn’t turn black I was doing ok.

“Are you still using the rubber ducky.”

“Actually, I don’t use it that often anymore.”

“Yeah, right,” she says in a very humorously sarcastic manner. Typically I’m the one that “yeah, right’s” someone, and it felt very weird to be the one on the receiving end. I told her I was serious, but I don’t think she believed me.

The clitoris continues to have a slight pain to it. It basically feels like someone squeezed my penis down into a very small area and there is a lot of pressure on it. It’s very weird because sometimes I can feel the penis shaft as though it has been tucked down between my legs and I can feel the head of the penis as though it has been squeezed down on where the shaft was originally located...which is basically the case for both. The weird part is feeling both of them at the same time because the sensation is now disjointed instead of being all in one continuous line.

A tube a day keeps the doctor away

The shooting pains are still continuing to run through the surgical area. They last anywhere from about 1-5 seconds. They’ve also seemed to increase in the clitoral area...which I hope is a good thing. These pains come and go in spurts. Sometimes they happen when I am sitting down, standing up, or simply while lying down.

I was never able to find any Surgilube in regular pharmacies, but was able to make do with the tube from Dr. Meltzer’s staff and two tubes that Amber graciously offered (since she bought like a gross of them or something). I recently looked online to see if I could simply order it from a respectable company, but then decided to see if there were any good deals on ebay. Sure enough, someone was selling 10 tubes of the stuff...at a pretty decent price. Including shipping and handling, I think I paid about $2.40 each, and most importantly, they arrived at my door yesterday.

So, I have finally started using #3. It is definitely tight getting it past that PC muscle, and I usually spend at least 10-15 minutes with #2 in first. The hard part is getting it all the way in. I’ve managed about 4-4.5” of vaginal depth thus far, and will hopefully get it a little further in time. I feel slight twinges of sharp pain at the very end, so I’m not pushing things yet.

Exploring

I stuck my finger up into my vagina the other day. I’m not one to be easily grossed out, but it was rather nasty feeling all around. Yeah, it feels warm and soft (and a bit moist from all of the Surgilube), but...well...it’s kinda different when you can feel all of the different little things up inside your gut.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll probably end up doing it again because I like exploring and experiencing new things...and well, I should probably become accustomed to my new body.

The other day, I also felt a slightly painful twinge in my lower stomach...near the internal suture. When I looked at that area, I noticed that the dimple there wasn’t as pronounced. I felt around there and could feel a tiny knot in the same place that the dimple was, so I’m guessing that the skin released there, but the suture was still hopefully in place within the muscle wall....or something like that.

My clitoris also seems to be hurting a bit more. When I try to figure out where exactly the pain is coming from, it looks like it is the underside of the clitoris...where the incision and sutures are located. One of the sutures was just hanging there the other day, and when I touched it (not knowing what it was), it basically just came off in my hand. It wasn’t really holding anything together at that time.

The good news about feeling the pain in the clitoris is that at least I’m feeling something.

Dilating

So, I've been on the 2T and 2 since Sunday, using the 1 sometimes just to get things started. Hopefully I can just use the 2 sometime this week before jumping to the 3 next week.

I liked using the chair in Greenbaum and the couch at the hotel, but I had to use the bed at Donna's and my bed since getting home. I just don't have a comfy chair in my room, and won't risk the roomie catching me on the couch.

I first start some light jazz music, place two paper towels in the approximate spot were I might be dripping any extra Surgilube, and lay down on the changing pad. I set my butt down in the paper towel area, of course, and rearrange as necessary.

Then I lube up the necessary dilator, but not quite as much as Janet recommended. Then, I use the mirror to kinda line things up and insert the dilator. Getting it past the PC muscle is a bit painful, but the pain typically reduces fairly rapidly, except if I've just jumped up to the larger size. I'll rotate it a little and move it around in circles to kinda loosen the PC muscle up a bit.

I typically go at least 20 minutes, but sometimes shoot for longer. If I start getting sore, then I go ahead and wrap things up.

Cleaning up depends on which dilation I'm on. If I am showering after the dilation, then I basically just wipe the extra Surgilube off and jump in the shower. If it's the other ones, I typically wipe the extra Surgilube off with a feminine wipe. I place Bacitracin along the incision lines, the lower triangle, and my clitoris after I take a shower and after the last dilation of the day. The last dilation of the day also gets Bacitracin on the end of the dilator before I start. I typically change pads about 3 times a day.

For this first month, I'm dilating 4 times a day. That doesn't leave much time for anything else. Wake up...dilate...shower...dilate...eat lunch...nap...dilate...eat dinner...watch TV...dilate...go to bed. OK, well, I have a little time between dilations, but you get the point. There really isn't enough time to do much else than dilate, eat, and sleep. I could probably escape for 2-3 hours at a time, but that time would have to fall between like 1-5pm or 6-10pm.

At least once the first month is over, it all gets easier...supposedly.